Workshop: Killers of the supernatural; a race against time

[Lye]

Name of Completed Thread: Killers of the supernatural; a race against time (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27422)
Name of Authors: Ioder, matthewkuch
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 30 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level (http://www.althanas.com/world/faq.php?faq=exp#faq_levelchart))*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: (11/17/14)

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5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Ranger]

Plot
Story:
I was confused by both of your characters and the way the story was unfolding. What I got from the first posts was that Gavner was a vampire with a dog, who was hurt by the sun, and somehow knew Ioder. Also that you were hunting a seraphim, who was your friend, so you left the group but didn’t give a reason why you were with them to begin with.
Ioder is a kid, yet ageless? Who drinks alone in taverns. All in all the depth of the characters was missing. Both of you would be served well by taking even a little bit of time to give the reader a little bit of ‘this is who the characters are’. Background doesn’t just serve to make it easier for the reader to learn about the character, but makes the very actions and dialogue of the story make more sense.

As it stands, without your character profiles I would have known next to nothing about either Gavner or Ioder. I’m also not sure why you took so much time to rush to the city to tell your friend to leave, and then spent a ridiculous amount of time fighting and chatting before actually going back to that.

Setting:
There are five main senses which all readers and writers can agree are crucial building blocks of setting. Sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. In this thread, I got a little bit of what you saw in a basic form – at times what you described for what you saw was unclear though. The noises around you both were alluded to a couple times, but for the most part it was a side notation without depth. Taste, touch, and smells were all but forgotten.

In the opening Gavner snuck into the shadowless city and never mentioned a single person other than the other person in the thread.

Pacing:
The measure of the pacing is all about flow and how the story moves. In this one… it was sudden, abrupt, and jolting at times. As a reader I was shifted from one point to another awkwardly as it moved with the story. Sometimes it was preceded by a transitional notation, sometimes not. However, it seemed to mostly be a hard shift that drags the reader from one point to another, instead of smoothly flowing.

In regards to paragraphs, don’t try and push too much into them. Each paragraph should be an extension of a single thought, built upon from beginning to end. If you are reading one section of the writing and you find that you started with an idea and it flowed into a completely different one you continue through… your paragraph is too long. You can easily split up blocks of text into smaller sections that keep the pacing flowing and the thoughts organized for the writing to flow.

Character
Communication:
I would suggest a couple things for communication for both of you. Try not to mix the dialogue into the depths of a large paragraph, losing it. Sometimes that is ok, such as for thoughts, but most of the time it tends to get lost in translation.

Second thing, when you’re learning to find your own style of writing and narrative it is best to start by putting everything you say or think inside of quotations. Until you get a firm grip on the way you write your stories it is best to build on the basics and master those, then move on to experiment and try out new forms of writing things like thoughts interspersed and flowing into the narrative itself.

The way you both speak changes completely a couple times. Instead of being lower diction and straightforward as it was for the most part, you attempt to say things like ‘I know not…’ which is an old way of phrasing that stands out and is nothing like the character’s speech patterns before it.

Action
Certain points made no sense, were sudden and out of nowhere, or simply forced the reader to shrug and carry on to the next part of the story. Things like “what was going on in the beginning, who were the people Gavner were with and then he suddenly sprinted away?” “Why did you two fight for no reason?” It made no sense for the most part, and what did make sense got lost by the way it was described and confusing.

I mentioned in the story section that what you guys did wasn’t making sense. How your characters acted lost me multiple times.

Persona:
General personality and emotional interpretation of the characters is lost at times, or missing completely in others. Try and get into the mind of your characters and how they are thinking or feeling, and convey that into the writing. It helps add to every category as well as assists the reader in knowing more of who you are and what is going on.

Gavner wants to be a vampire prince, and is already a general of a small squad, yet none of that comes through. It also doesn’t tell me where these vampires are, how you came to be in that position, why you aren’t with them, and so on. That relates back to the story element.

Prose
Mechanics
The errors were through and through, from missing commas to misspelled words, overuse of certain words multiple times in each paragraph –or sentence. Run on’s, and the like. One of the easiest things I noted many times was that you wrote words like aren’t and shouldn’t, but didn’t put the apostrophe between nt. It’s a pretty basic mechanical thing that should be second nature when you are writing. Likewise, knowing which form of you’re to use (you’re or your) or losing instead of loosing; spelling words like while (spelt wile) or minutes (spelt minuets). These are predominantly issues that you can correct as you go in your writing, while writing without proofreading, if you use a word processing program as it will tell you when you do something wrong.

Ioder, you skip between past and present tense often. Traditional writing is done in third person, which is easier to follow and understand when you are writing that way. You also forget to capitalize ‘I’ a lot of times.

Clarity
The basic styles that you both write with lend well to clarity, but the way you write leaves much to be desired. Repetition of words, missing words and misspelling, as well as hard to follow pacing and action leave me as a reader confused. I was rereading or editing your writing as I went relatively often, again a word processing program would help immensely.

Technique
There were consistency issues throughout the writing, make the basic style of writing difficult. Advanced literary techniques aside the very nature of the writing shows discomfort with the narrative. Misspelled words add to the challenge, but most importantly is the understanding of writing. There is promise here of future writing prowess, hidden within the story, but I can see that both of you –working on the things I have brought up here- could go far.

Wildcard
This is where I’m going to say the nice things. =p I don’t want either of you to take me for some ruthless bastard who is just ripping things up. I enjoy the brevity of the story and what you intended to do. I thought the story, though basic, was a good plot to work with for newer players. Your writing could be better, but there is promise within the narrative. Get into the minds and boots of the characters, really delve into who they are, and try and incorporate that into the writing. I’m not saying go Tolkein depth into things, so heavy that it is slow and boring to read, but try and add more dimension. Characters have backgrounds, feelings, thoughts, desires, and all those can shine through simply with the way you both write.

All told, I would give this thread a score around a 40 or so.

[Hysteria]

Hi Guys

Plot

So the story itself wasn't bad. The basic premise, that Gavner decides to make some cash only to realise that Ioder (his friend) was the target. However, things started getting confused with the execution of the story. The first post was on how much effort Gavner went into to get to Ioder, but the brawl, then random interactions interrupted the flow (Ioder playing with the wolf pup was extremely odd).

It would have paid to have a slower build to the story. Some forshadowing that Kratos was the one pulling the strings on the hunters, perhaps if Gavner had seen him and not realised who he was. The story would have also been better with some sense of urgency prior to the attack.

On the attack, having the hunters sound a horn before entering was weird. Second, the numbers seemed much larger, then when they attacked there were only a few. A game of cat and mouse in the town would have better suited the set up.

In the future I'd suggest setting up sections of the story that have their own feel. Something like:

Background and Foreshadowing
Meeting together and planning
Setting up and prep for attack
Initial clashes with hunters, slow rising tension
Harder clashes and close escapes, building more tension
Boss battle and finale

Lastly, the old 'break into a weapon store' made me laugh, as did the weapon store under the church. As did randomly finding new weapons.

Character

This was interesting. When matthew had the wheel the characters became a lot more animated, but seemed to disconnect from the overall story. When Ioder took over the story was pushed forwards and the characters became more serious and focused on the problem.

I found some of the descriptions of the characters jarring.


"Nice of you to turn up, pretty boy" Gavner said. "I can never resist a challenge." And with that the two legends were engaged in a duel once more.

Legend, General, etc, often the descriptions you used were over the top. The battle scenes were also over the top, and somewhat out of place.

In both your stories you came face to face with your nemesis. How did that make your character feel? Gavner is facing someone who killed his friends, shouldn't he have been in a rage? Wouldn't that make him rash and act without thinking? Likewise, I got that Gavner thought strongly of Ioder... why was that? He has lost a lot of his friends, why risk so much for Ioder?

For Ioder, what about his feelings for putting Gavner at risk? What about seeing someone wiping out his own race? What about realising that Kratos having pulled the whole thing together? Why did Ioder not kill Alfie? What was his end game?

Prose

matthewkuch

Some parts I thought you did really well, but other times I felt myself get stuck behind some odd phrasing or repeated words. For example from post 11:


The mountains were a cold, barren, and desolate place. From a distance they held true beauty, but among them was an unforgivable lifestyle. On a horse, Galloping through the valleys was a man with dark hair and a scar. The scar stretched from the top of his upper right forehead all the way to the left corner of his mouth. It was relatively deep for a scar, and was a bright pinkish color. Onward the man galloped into the heart of the mountain range, determined to reach what lied ahead.

Much of this paragraph repeats information. The man galloping on the horse, his scar and the landscape could have been condensed more.

When you proof read your writing, think of each sentence as needing to be vital to the reader. It should have a purpose, to either show, tell or explain something. Repeating words close to one another can be jarring for the reader.

Also make sure you check words that are said the same and spelt differently 'determined to reach what lay ahead.'


Walking into the center of the camp the man entered a tent that was slightly larger than all the rest. Inside he found five men conversing. One man had short orange hair with black eyes, and another had medium length hair with blue eyes. A third one was older with long grey hair but sharp teeth, and yet another had a war helmet on. When he stepped inside The men fell silent and looked at him.

Likewise here, your description of the men seems unnecessary. You could have painted them all with one brush and gotten better atmosphere. 'Inside five men sat hunched at a table conversing by candle light. Upon the man's entry their voices hushed and weary faces turned to greet him.'


Ioder

Not bad at all. You were clear most of the time, but a few spelling mistakes came out now and again that threw me off. I've found reading aloud can greatly help catching these sort of mistakes.

(from post 12)

Then suddenly a great war horn could be heard in the distance, alerting both Ioder and Gavner during their meal. Ioder quickly starred stared across at his vampire friend as he smashed the fork he was using into the table. Gavner and Ioder both knew what this meant, and immediately stood up and began to move quickly to the door. As the they reached the exit to the tavern the they heard the horn sound again and again maybe indicating some sort of movement from the hunters. Regardless it was no longer time for pleasantries, not no it was time for action.

"What do you thing think Gavner, is it them?" Ioder said as he turned to his friend.

Also, try and resist punctuating their actions with unnecessary words. In the above you've said both of them heard the horn, one of them (its not clear who) smashed his fork into the table, then stood up. You've described it as 'immediately stood up', but one of them didn't. Instead try and think about showing us as the reader their actions.

'Gavner and Ioder pushed themselves from the table and hastily made for the door. The cutlery moments ago that had been in their hands were discarded on the table next to still steaming food.'

Just something like that. The uneaten food and discarded utensils helps the reader capture their mood more than the words immediately and quickly. You could throw in something like 'wordlessly both warriors knew the time had come' or something as well.

Also watch slipping into present tense from past.

[Lye]

Rewards:

Ranger - 1050 XP & 60 GP
Hysteria - 1650 XP & 60 GP

[Lye]

Rewards Added.

Workshop Archived.

Thank you for your contributions.

Both of you have leveled.