View Full Version : [P.A.L.E.] Sorish Initiation ~ Crystallization
Ashla had seen this fellow off and on throughout time, but never got to know him. Sorish Mon Larsh, king of the Ocean. It was funny to Ashla that while her bloodline was excellent with ice, the entire Coralian race specialised in water. It puzzled Ashla, who's family was strict to the point of killing with preserving their frozen roots. How did an entire race do it? Maybe this upcoming battle would help her find out. Ashla was now recruiting her old acquaintance into her new organization P.A.L.E. The Icebreaker was particularly excited for this interesting initiation battle.
The setting often times reflected a person's mind in the Citadel, so Ashla was delighted to see that she was able to come up with a crystal world. It was a lukewarm temperature cave with a sandy floor, small puddles of water here and there, and icy walls. The most obvious feature here though was that the ice on the walls was barely viewable through the massive diamonds growing on then. They were in close to every single color Ashla had ever seen; and the lights from the beautiful minerals brightened up what could have been a dark cave by leaps and bounds.
Ashla chuckled at her creation and placed her hand casually on the hilt of her broadsword. Sorish should show up any moment now...
Sorish walked down the corridors filled with thousands upon thousands of wooden doors, each door with a plaque on it that gave the room number. That day Sorish had to climb up to floor 3 and find room 3-5000. Apparently each floor had 5000 rooms on it. Sorish couldn't help but to look into the Central Arena as he subconsciously counted the doors. The Central Arena was the place where tournaments use to be held. That was years ago before the monks of the Citadel turned each of the rooms into arenas themselves. Now the Central Arena has become a lobby where competitors met to talk or search for challenges, though it sometime became a battlefield itself.
Sorish finally counted 5000 and turned towards the door only to find that it was room 4995. He had miscounted at some point but it didn't really matter. He continued down the hall until he saw room 5000. The door glowed to show that someone else was in there. Sorish took a deep breath as he prepared to meet the leader of P.A.L.E. a group he recently joined in order to bring justice to the "Kings of Above". He then opened the door and walked in. What he found was nothing short of amazing. They were in a cave full of beautiful crystals that lit the room in many colors. Water dripped from the stalactites into puddles on the floor. Sorish had his hood down and his breathing bubbles active in order to respect the leader of this new group so he could feel the lukewarm temperature on his slimy skin.
Sorish then looked to his left and saw something he wasn't expecting. Ashla Icebreaker, a woman he has had to save once, stood there with a smile on her face. It seemed she was just as amazed by the cave as he was. Sorish smiled. "Greetings Ashla," he said as he approached her. "Are you here to join P.A.L.E. as well?" He hoped she was, otherwise one of them was in the wrong room and he probably wouldn't see her much.
Sorish seemed just the way Ashla remembered him - minus the new cloak. Ashla chuckled at the Coralian's question. "No, Sorish," she replied him, "I am the leader of P.A.L.E."
She wasn't surprised to receive a question like this. Being so young still, people would not be deeming her the greatest battle lord. However, Ashla had seen a plenty lot in her short life, she was ready.
The sound of water dripping off rock sounded around them. Ashla closed her eyes for a moment, remembering the first two times they ha met. First time they had met was on a sandy beach on Fallien. Second was when Ashla had been captured as bait for her friend Black Shadow, Sorish had been one of the rescue team members. Ashla opened her blue eyes again, facing him once more.
Ashla drew her damascus sword and held it defensively across her chest. "Let's get down to business..."
Sorish's happy demeanor changed to one of concentration as soon as Ashla said that they should begin. He was happy to hear that a girl like Ashla was to be the leader of P.A.L.E, but he also noticed a slight darkness in her that he did not like. He hoped that he was wrong and that she hasn't gone down the wrong path, but only time would tell. If she was to ever start doing things that were evil herself. He would watch her but until she actually started to show signs of evil, Sorish would follow her to the end.
So, Sorish got into his ready stance. His sword was out of it's sheath and his shield was on his right arm. Sorish knew that his water magic was practically useless against Ashla so would have to stick with his sword. However, he did summon his water bubble to be prepared just in case he could find a chance to hit her. He then crouched down into his low stance that worked as a good defense as well as an offense. He was light on his feet even though he was closer to the ground. His shield was held in front of him and his sword was to it's right. He waited as he listened to the drops in the cave. He counted each one, ready for the 12th drop. When he heard it he charged at the ice powered girl, his shield in front of him ready to bash her and hopefully stun her enough to get a slash on her.
Ashla watched Sorish charge towards her. He was not as fast as Ashla, but he was no turtle. Ashla backflipped, avoiding his shield bash, and blocked his coral sword with her damascus one. Ashla felt a creeping feeling come up on her when she remembered the tiny human being growing inside her. I can't do back flips like that anymore! Just for safety, for my child! Leading an organization and fluently participating in combat, one would not find Ashla to be the motherly type. However, once finding out she was pregnant, the Icebreaker took extreme precautions to make sure her baby was safe.
Sorish, being a tad bit stronger than the now young adult testing him, broke their block. Ashla staggered back for a moment, then regained composure. Ashla sighed and looking up at the towering coralian king. Ashla gave him a small smile before attempting to attack him.
The girl pulled out her steel longknife. The blade glistened in the colors the cave gave off. Ashla had stepped back into a puddle, her leather black boots now splotched with water.
The Icebreaker bolted towards Sorish. She aimed her sword towards Sorish's own, and her longknife towards his thigh. This was an initiation battle, she wasn't meaning to kill him. - However, if anything did happen, the monks were always there to help. Ashla's posture was straight, her feet spread apart so she could move quickly. Her hair bounced when she moved.
Sorish noticed the subconscious look of concern that Ashla had shown when she flipped. He knew he had seen it before but the looked disappeared before he had a chance to truly study it. Then she charged him, her right foot squeaked as she ran forward, sword in her right hand, dagger in her left. Sorish smiled as this brought up memories, his mother was a shield maiden, she taught him all she knew about fighting with a sword and shield. His father however used a special style, he always used a sword in his right hand and a short knife in his left. He had also taught Sorish his style, though Sorish prefered the shield due to it's defensive properties. Thus Sorish knew she would probably aim for his leg with the dagger while she brought the sword down towards his sword.
However she seemed to have forgotten one minor detail. Sorish crouched down as low as he could as he brought his shield up to protect his entire body just as she came to strike, her sword and knife struck coral shield just as he pushed up to unbalance Ashla. This was a trick he learned to fight off his father whenever he battled with his personal style, the style that was now called, King's Defence. The name came due to him being the King of the seas and the fact that it holds a lot of defensive forms. This trick was to wait for the last second to bring his shield in front of him and push up slightly it made the fighter get pushed back as their weapons be forced up over their heads. At the same time Sorish would swing his sword at the mid section. This time however, Aurora told him he must not strike her so instead he jumped back and held up his hand in the universal stop sign.
He stared at Ashla with a hint of concern but also a hint of disappointment. "Ashla," Sorish said, his voice in the commanding voice he used whenever he scolded one of his troops, "can you give me a good reason why you have chosen to fight me WHEN YOU BEAR CHILD!?" Sorish was upset with his friend. She should have been resting or at most have had someone else do the initiation. Maybe her boyfriend, Julias, would have been willing to do these initiations or something. However, that was not the case, she was here, in a fight, while she had a child in her gut. Sorish knew that was not a good thing for any child, after all, he boor one himself.
Ashla stared right at the coralian's eyes. At first, she was surprised. How did he figure out she was pregnant? Secondly, she grew angry. Sorish was scolding her. This was something Ashla would not take. She was the duchess of Eiskalt, she held high authority there. Meanwhile, as for P.A.L.E., she not only was a duchess, she was a queen. All her life though, the Icebreaker had been surrounded by people trying to control her. Her family, her friends, her enemies. Even her precious Julius constantly smothered her, trying to "do what's best for you." A good three months away from him, Ashla missed him dreadfully. Given so, he was the one person she was happy to reply to.
If it was just Julius who tried to control her, to a certain level Ashla would have been completely fine. But everyone she knew tried to take hold of her and mold her into someone she never wanted to be. When would they learn, she wondered. When would they learn the she was her own being and that she could control herself? Ashla had no clue. However, one thing was for sure, she had to be the one to teach them.
Ashla refused to reply to Sorish's authority. He was the king of the sea, not the king of the Icebreaker.
Ashla blinked, her eyes showed anger, but calm control. Ever since she'd heard she was bearing a child, she took all that time to reform her fighting style. It was not revolved around winning, losing, offenses or defenses. She had taken care to make sure her fighting style revolved around the protection of her child. Every sword swing was made with her baby in mind. This was the one chance she ever had at maintaining a family she could really love. She was not behaving recklessly.
"Sorish," she started in the calmest voice she could muster, "My personal life rotates around this child. It's hardly easy though, Julius is gone; we parted ways to avoid getting plucked out by the Order of the Crimson Hand. I haven't heard from him since. Meanwhile, my cousin Gwendolyn refuses to help me in my group, having dedicated her life to the Trading Company. I'm the only one who can do this."
Her eyes narrowed, a solid aggression showing but her voice remaining calm. "There's a world out there." She lifted her arm and pointed her finger towards the door Sorish came from, "It's dying. Althanas has evil out there that hasn't been tamed. Apparently, the Ixian Knights are so beat up from a war in my country, they can't lift a black and blue finger. Who else is there to do the job? No one. So what happens? The Order of the Crimson runs free, murdering all they can in all their glory. The Cult of Blessed Torture works alongside them, pulling all they can into a void, cold dark. Someone needs to step up."
Ashla put her long knife away, but loosely gripped her broadsword, "This no longer is personal. I have to step up, I have to stop this infection! That's why I started PALE!" The Icebreaker had her voice raised high, a proclamation of her own reasons, "Ever since the Eiskalt War ended, I worked endless hours trying to find out what to do! Ever since I became pregnant, I realized the bigger picture. I don't want to lose my baby, so I trained day and night to work out a fighting technique I can protect it with. I still had to keep going, time waits for no man. In the end, I plan on raising my son or daughter under the roof of justice! Peace! Love! I want my child to be born to a better world than what I was!"
Ashla stopped herself there. She released her voice was probably echoing off the frozen cavern walls now. In a large sigh, she regained her composure. "... If it means taking risks, I'll still take it. My mother carried and birthed me in the darkest prison of Eiskalt. If I could deal with it, I bet my own offspring can too."
Sorish looked at Ashla for a few seconds before he sighed, but then he smiled. "I know how it feels to want to protect a child Ashla," Sorish looked down as he remembered Alexander, the child he had to leave because of tradition. "I carried one for a full year. I know what it's like to know that if you don't do something, your child will be in danger. I had to leave my child in order to keep it from being killed. A child born out of wedlock is either extradited from the Coralian society or killed right in front of their parents. I had to leave my child in a human town to keep it alive. Ashla, I scolded you because you might be endangering your child by fighting."
"I know that the mages here are wonderful at healing, but tell me, are you positive that they would be able to keep you from having a miscarriage because of the stress that is put on your body during a fight. Or what if I struck you in the stomach and accidentally killed your child? I'm not entirely sure that the mages could revive it. I just want to make sure that you have thought of all outcomes when you entered here. That is what a friend does. They help their friends keep from making a mistake they will regret. If you ever feel any pain in the abdomen area, please stop the fight. I don't want your child to be in any form of danger." Sorish then prepared himself so that if she chose to attack, he would be ready, but he wouldn't to initiate a fight after what Aurora had told him. He would let Ashla decide if the fight continued or not.
Ashla felt bitterness and sorrow come up in her. Towards Sorish's child. Had he really must of left a young boy alone to simply save it? Abandoning and judging children based upon heritage was like a forbidden, unforgivable sin to Ashla. Having been judged, isolated, discriminated, cursed, abandoned, and deceived simply due to who her parents were, it drove her insane at times. It was another reason she only wanted to keep her own child, to hold it. She could not wait for the she could hold her own child, cuddle it in her arms, cherish it. Give it a better life.
The first part of Sorish's words got her pot fired up, but the second half lowered the temperature.
She'd considered forging a fighting style of protection, and she had. She'd never let her child fall in a fight she drove, but she had never thought of how much stress her body was taking each and every match. Was she really endangering her child like that? The young woman put her weapons away. Her eyes flickered on and off between their ice cold signature and her normal bright blue. She had to close those deep eyes. She wanted to scream.
Yet she did not. She simply opened her eyes again, glaring at her recruit with a frozen, devoid soul. "We're done here." She turned away from him, towards the door. "You're in. Welcome to PALE."
Ashla took one step to the door, then paused. She so badly wanted to address something. "And Sorish... You are looking at the daughter of two sinners. Those two sinners had me, and I'm the one who had to pay penance." Her voice was choking, her once loose fists tightened until sweat made her gloves wet. "I-I survived, but..." She drifted off, remembering. She remembered those years alone, in the desert, struggling just to make it one more day. She remembered her shock and the depression she faced when everything her uncle had lied to her about had been revealed. A single tear fell from her right eye, she quickly walked over to the door, "... I will save my senseless bickerings for another day."
You can do the closing post. Or you can continue the thread as a whole. It's entirely up to you :)
Sorish watched as Ashla headed for the door. With a sigh Sorish stood and sheathed his sword, the slight slink of the sword on the scabbard sounded symbolized the end of the fight. Tears pooled on Sorish's face as he watched Ashla go. The drip-drip of the water on rock showed the mood this fight had turned and Sorish didn't like it one bit. He knew that Ashla hurt but he hoped that it wasn't going to cause a rift between them. He needed to let her know that he also hurt from the loss of his child, and more than likely, so did her parents.
"Ashla," he said his voice full of regret, "I am sorry that you had lost your parents due to their actions. I am also sorry for bringing up bad memories. However, there is one more thing that I have to say. A parent who knows they will never be able to watch their child grow to a fine adult will hate them self for all eternity. I know that I will always carry the burden of having to leave Alexander. I just hope that the day we can finally be reunited is the day I can be forgiven."
Sorish then turned towards the pool of water in the back of the cave. "Tell the monks that I am going to continue to use this room for an hour. I am not to be disturbed." Sorish then went to the back of the cave and sat down in a meditative position in order to reflect and calm himself from all the emotional trauma he had to endure today.
((BGoS I please post the effect Sorish’s words have on Ashla then you can submit it to judgment.))
Ashla did not turn to face Sorish. She stood at the door, her hand now on the bronze knob. She felt more tears fall from her eyes. She knew her parents still loved her, it was how the rest of her family reacted. More than anything, Ashla wanted to know what family love was like. She knew that her uncle Monte had been fond of her, he laughed with her and trained with her... so why did he lie to her? Was love itself a lie? She had no clue. However, Sorish's words, buzzing in her head, caused her puffy eyes to keep shedding liquid. Julius entered her mind. Her beloved meant close to everything to her... and she had no idea where he was. Fulgur II was her first bloodline family she knew as a true Icebreaker. At first they got along, then revenge clouded both their minds. From there on out, even as the new king of Eiskalt, he been nothing but a jerk. Often times they and Julius disputed.
Ashla did not know what to say. She tugged at the blue, nixtella necklace her mother had passed down to her. It was her final confession of love to a helpless, frozen, crying baby before she passed on. Ashla never had a mother. Did Layla Rose spend her last seconds in guilt and tears? Ashla's father had tried his best, but died a depressed, hopeless drunk. Ashla barely remembered him, but she remembered hiding when her daddy came home screaming slain... and the laughs and giggles they shared when he chased her around the house to tickle and kiss his toddler daughter.
Ashla blinked the good and bad memories away. Several extra tears falling quickly, and sighed. The Icebreaker then replied to Sorish's request.
She turned the nob, "I'll let the monks know." With that, she exited the room, wanting to get away from it as fast as she could.
Philomel
12-01-14, 10:19 AM
Thread Title: PALE Sorish Initiation ~ Crystalisation (
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28220-P-A-L-E-Sorish-Initiation-Crystallization)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Blue Ghost of Seaside vs Hoytti
Plot: 17 --- 17
Story- 5/10---5/10
General:
As all points here apply to you, there will only be a general comment here.
Overall the story seemed very rushed. It felt like this thread could have easily been twice the size, and for a battle there was not much fighting and a great deal of conversation. It is understandable, as you are talking about not fighting because of Ashla being pregnant, but for the situation it felt too rushed as well as too awkward in terms of plot. Really there was only one clash of swords between you two, then a great amount of talking.
Setting- 6/10---6/10
Blue Ghost: Though the imagining of the setting was your idea and you described it well at first, it would have been good to see your use of it through the rest of the piece. It seemed to become forgotten, with all its crystal beauty, during the speech of your character.
Hoytti: You used the setting well when you focused on the small details (such as the “drips” in post 4) however this was the only real focus on setting as far as your character goes. Try to continue on with these small details, talking about the light of the crystals and using your other senses apart from hearing and sight.
Pacing- 6/10---6/10
Blue Ghost: Pacing was a little fast in general in this thread. Your greatest weakness here was the imbalance of your post lengths. Where post 3 was very short post 7 was rather long. To make a visually appealing as well as a thread that flows it is good to have them similar length. However, you have a good grasp of the rise of action. Try to keep up this ability throughout your thread.
Hoytti: Similar as the comments from Story, you did not pace well and dominated some of your posts (namely 8) with a lot of dialogue and not much else. You can easily make your posts a little longer. Try adding just small little extra details here and there, a bit of history etc to deepen your writing.
Character: 17 --- 16
Communication- 5/10---5/10
Blue Ghost: What is your strength here is you give a very clear view to the difference in tones in terms of when Ashla gets angry and then calmer, with a patience that could be expected from a royal (post 7 especially for this). However, sometimes her tone changes a little too much and the words that it is confusing if it is still the same person. It would also very much help to space out your dialogue pieces with lines of action and so on, rather than clump them together.
Hoytti: In general you do have a definite voice for your character, and it comes across as the proud strong being that Sorish is. This does die out a little, though, with the large clumps of dialogue or large paragraphs that have not many breaks. Breaks would help to encourage a more determined voice.
Action-5/10---5/10
Blue Ghost: There is a little confusion in terms of Ashla’s actions, whether she is able to fight or not in terms of her pregnancy. For this thread there is a lot of standing around and talking, which is rather odd for a battle. It seems like Ashla would more around a little more than you have suggested, or if not, adding more action would help with this point.
Hoytti: When it comes to terms of Sorish fighting, there is a good description and strength here, so well done. However, in terms of using his unusual height it would be really good to show how he observes the world and acts around it from 8’7” feet high. You could use this unique feature really to show off powerful writing.
Persona- 7/10---6/10
Blue Ghost: You do seem to have a good grasp of who and what your character is and stands for, and you relate this well in such terms as “the Icebreaker” in post 7. There is also a clear idea of her desires and so on, so well done here.
Hoytti: All in all Sorish comes across as proud, unfortunately though you could have written him a lot more in terms of this. Though we do see a little of his fears in terms of his son he had to carry, and so his inner thoughts, it would be good to go on similar in style. However, well done for a strong character.
Prose: 18 --- 14
Mechanics- 7/10---4/10
Blue Ghost: You fair well as far as spelling and mechanics generally goes, using paragraphing fairly well. However there are a few times where it feels there should be capitalisation (“towering coralian king” in post 5) however in general you do well.
Hoytti: Unfortunately you have a great amount of spelling, paragraphing and grammar mistakes within this piece. For instance, in post 6 you use the word “bore” instead of the correct form “boor” and you contain dialogue in the middle of paragraphs with other sentences, when dialogue should always have its own line. There are numerous problems here, but a good look over all the way through should help before you post, or before the thread is sent for judgement.
Clarity- 5/10---5/10
Blue Ghost: You have a good sense of clarity in your writing, in general, and it shows well. However, at times Ashla’s reasonings do become vague and her actions confusing. Try to space actions out a little, and don’t rely so much on dialogue. This will help you a lot.
Hoytti: Your spacing and paragraphing do not help here as far as clarity goes. In post 8, right after you have written a paragraph of dialogue you then describe a set of actions with, “Sorish then prepared…” however this is generally lost. This happens a few times within your writing, and the language also does not show itself well to describe clearly what is happening. Try to write things a little simpler sometimes and use more paragraphs.
Technique- 6/10---5/10
Blue Ghost: In general you describe well, especially in your opening post. Nevertheless your writing is very safe and does not use many linguistic techniques nor does it keep up a consistant style. Try using things such as metaphor and your writing really will shine.
Hoytti: You do write well, in general, though it would be a good technique to use more adjectives in your writing. This would really help you. Also, try to use written numbers - i.e. five rather than 5 - as this will make things a lot better visually.
Wildcard: 5 --- 5
As far as Wildcard goes I am going to give it for the involvement of the Power Group here. Neither of you forgot why your characters were having this fight throughout the piece, which was particularly very good. It flowed well in terms of the Power Group and clearly explained the reasonings for being there, though perhaps not why P.A.L.E. needs to test its members skills in a battle.
Final Score: 57---52
BlueGhostOfSeaside (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16205-BlueGhostofSeaside) Wins!:
1575 EXP!
70 GP!
Congratulations!
Hoytti (www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16188-hoytti) Receives:
450 EXP!
35 GP!
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