Workshop: Play Time

[Quentin Boone]

Name of Completed Thread: Play Time (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28307-Play-Time-(Solo)&p=239056#post239056)
Name of Authors: black shadow
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 10 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 28/12/2014

Critique Guidelines:

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4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Alydia Ettermire]

Strengths:

Character: You portray Black Shadow as an individual who is very compassionate and loving toward children. He seems like a good father, and it should be interesting to see how he rises to the challenge of being a single father to two little girls.

It was also nice to see a character just go out for what was supposed to be an average day.

Weaknesses:

Mechanics: Honestly, this solo looks like you wrote it on a phone and then submitted it as-is. A quick proof-read would have caught that you had a lot of random wrong words and misspellings littered liberally throughout the thread, and would have cleared it up a lot.

Setting: There wasn't much setting described. Give your audience some substance so they feel the world around your character. Was it a warm day out? What was Espoir wearing? What about Lexi? Were there any signs of abuse before Black Shadow took her back to the weapon smith?

Character: Why did Black Shadow let his daughter out of his sight in what was presumably a crowded bazaar? Even if he can run at 60 mph, if he's freaking out about her keeping a fairly safe distance from a tiger (why would you let a four year old feed a tiger?), I can't see him playing hide and seek in what's pretty much an outdoor mall. Why would Lexi cheerfully lead them back to where her keeper works, then abruptly turn on him? She didn't show any fear until then. And your villain seemed pretty generic and flat. There really wasn't anything to him.

[matthewkuch]

Thread Title: Play Time (Solo) (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28307-Play-Time-(Solo)&p=239056#post239056)




Plot

Story
I enjoyed the story line and I commend you for your consistency on the quality of the writing for the majority of the thread. Towards the end it seemed as if you either lost interest in the story, or were too excited with the picture in your head to put it down.
Maybe just try to look at your writing as somebody who has minimal knowledge of your character’s backstory so you can add some critical details and make the picture look more realistic.

Setting
You did a good job of describing the basic area where your characters were but there were many blank spaces that left me wondering. What was the bazaar like? Was it crowded? Was it a slow day for business? Was it bustling and noisy? Did it smell funny? Was the sun out, was it cloudy?
I could go on but you get the picture, description and small details really helps out your writing and allows the reader to find himself in the story with your character.


Character

Communication
I did think it was interesting how Espoir was Black Shadow’s translator. Some things, however, left me wondering if she would actually want to communicate some of the things that Black Shadow wanted to say.


"You don't care for her. You don't deserve to take are of her." Black Shadow said angrily.

I know Black Shadow is basically a ninja but I think it would be rather difficult for the swords dealer to take him seriously with a four year old translating this for him. It also seemed as if Espoir would be too timid to say it as forcefully and meaningfully as Black Shadow wanted it to be. I did enjoy how he communicated with Espoir and Lexi. Remember that body language and subconscious communications are very valuable if utilized. Since Black Shadow cannot talk it might be useful for him to start taking advantage of those methods of communication.

Action
Good job on action, it was not too rushed and it got to the point but it was lacking in build up.

Persona
This is one of your stronger categories. You did a very nice job of describing and showing Black Shadow’s personality and Espoir’s love for her father; a little more backstory on them would have been nice though. As for Lexi and her father you could have gone a bit more into detail on them.



Prose

Mechanics
This area was suffering more so than most of the others. If you just put your story into a word doc and used spelling and grammar check you could have really helped this. Sometimes even asking somebody to skim over your story can help.

[Cards of Fate]

All in all this was a fun read but it suffered from a few things that could have been better.

Setting: There were times where I got a basic idea of where your character and his daughter were, but other than a couple of snippets a post I couldn't really gleam anything. For me it felt like you painted a picture of the characters and what they were doing, but the rest of the canvas you left blank other than maybe a couple of drops of paint. If you had paused for a moment to tell me about the room they started in, the crowds of people in the market, the color of the sky. Even if it's just a minor detail like a few clouds in the sky or a stall they saw or a conversation overheard. These smaller details add up and allow for a much more vivid story. For example when Black Shadow woke up to his daughter you could have described her pleading face as she stared him down, you could have given us an idea of the room and how big it was, what's in it ect. These details make a scene more memorable.

Plot: The plot was really fun and I liked the general premise of it, showing a slice of humanity in a man who doesn't get a chance to show that off. You got a lot of points in my book for showing off how your character cares for his daughter, this is one of the few parts of your story that wasn't lacking in much detail. You made it readily clear that this man cares for his daughter and watches over here like a mother hen at points. Some of your actions seemed a bit strange, such as the tiger feeding and hide and seek in a crowded marketplace, and didn't seem like things he wouldn't have let her done given his other actions. The story with the other girl was nice but it also sorta felt rushed and not as fleshed out as it should have been.

Prose: Arguably your worst spot here, it sounds like I'm just repeating what the others said but really, just taking like 10-20 minutes and reading your thread aloud to yourself would have caught a fairly decent chunk of your errors. You can clean up your other storytelling issues, but if you don't resolve mistakes at this level then you're not gonna be able to advance your style further because your clarity will be muddled and it'll make somethings harder to understand.

[Ashla]

Strengths:
- Characterization: Black Shadow was a loving father, yet a good fighter as shown when he took out that man with one swipe. Lexi was a character who's story made me jump, poor kid! I like how you portrayed her.
- Setting: How you described the bazaar, and the flooding people inside it, was awesome! You could have used more than the sense of sight, but you still did good.
- Action: The scene with Black Shadow and the two little girls playing was very heartwarming.

Weaknesses:
- Action: The runaway cart scene didn't have that proper build up to create tension. Only the action took place, nothing else. Try to make longer, more detailed posts to add suspense.
- Technique: The writing felt kind of bland. I rarely caught stuff like personification and similes in this text. It was clear and easy to read though.


Overall, this is a very simple but cute thread! Also a fun introduction of a new and important NPC. Just keep working at your weaknesses, you can do it! I enjoyed reading this.

[Tankita Bananas]

There were multiple instances of you using "I' instead of the word "of". I can chalk this up to auto-correct if you did this thread on a phone, but this could have been avoided with either a quick read or a asking a friend to read over it. There were also some awkward capitalization errors in the middle of your sentences sometimes, and also some that were supposed to be there that weren't For example, when Black Shadow is referred to as 'daddy' more often than not in the thread, it is not capitalized.

As a general rule of thumb, read the phrase out loud to yourself, and if you can replace 'Daddy' with your characters name and the sentence still makes sense, daddy needs to be capitalized.

You would make mention of Black Shadow speaking in sign language at points but then not refer to it as all, and it left me very confused as a reader. Is Espoir deaf, is Black Shadow mute, or do they just speak in sign language in order to not draw attention to themselves? You could have made this more clear. Furthermore, when Lexi joins the group, it threw me off that Black Shadow spoke sign language to her and she instantly understood what he was saying. Most children, even in a fantasy setting, wouldn't know something as elaborate as sign language and would in fact laugh at all the funny hand motions that one would be making.

In post 3 when you refer to the venison, you could have found other words to describe the meat. Meat, protein, food, jerky, all would have been suitable replacements rather than forcing yourself to use the word venison twice in the same paragraph.

I'm sorry, but the weapons smith suddenly shouting "DEATH TO YOU!" to the child made me laugh out loud. The dialogue there was just not well done at all. I would suggest something such as "You little witch!" or "How dare you!" or something along those lines. They would still work with the actions and not be so comical in their display.

Now, I'll stop harp[ing on the bad stuff and go onto the good stuff.

When shadow reminisced on finding Espoir, it brought a smile to my face, and I really wish there would have been more of those moments peppered in. It's minor things like that that make Slice of Life threads really good.

I know some people harped on the tiger scene, but if the vendor found the tiger when it was young and raised it, it probably would not attack a little kid that was accompanied by its master, as most vendors are consistantly around people, and therefore, children. You could have expanded on this scene and got an extra post or two out of that trios interaction.

Likewise the cart scene, I enjoyed the fact that the kids did not know any better and snuck into the cart, one of my kids sneaks into my car all the bloody time. SI shared in BS' panic there.

Overall, it wasn't a terribly great thread, but it did bring a smile at a few instances. Good job.

[Philomel]

Because there was no warning, this workshop will be kept open a further 24 hours.

Post some feedback to get easy EXP and GP.

Rewards will be calculated tomorrow.

[Philomel]

Closed - pending rewards

[Philomel]

Rewards:

Where In The World? (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8606-Where-in-the-World) receives:
350 EXP
20 GP

matthewkuch (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17109-matthewkuch) receives:
700 EXP
20 GP

Cards of Fate (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17720-Cards-of-Fate)receives:
150 EXP
20 GP

Blue Ghost Of Seaside (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16205-BlueGhostofSeaside) receives:
350 EXP
20 GP

Tankita Bananas (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17309-Tankita-Bananas) receives:
100 EXP
20 GP

[Hysteria]

EXP/GP added.