Nothing Like Homework (Open)

[Salem]

Salem was once again out to complete an assignment. His uncle and somewhat of a teacher to him in many ways had sent to practice what he had studied. If Salem was right, he believed the exact words of his uncle were "Wisdom and knowledge are not the same". Being confused like always because hey is it ever going to cause a massive disaster for someone or really anyone to not speak in riddles. Yes,yes; Salem was aware of the fact that being a warlock meant you were so suppose to be smart and full of riddles but some days he preferred just being told something straight up with no oddities. So the little bit of this quest or mission was actually common sense to him. Go fight someone. Okay why not he thought.

The Citadel, it was the one place that he like most loved to spend cost less hours roaming the area and watching the brawls of so many talented combatants. Walking through the entry way of the tall archway into the white sandy area. There stood a right portal; glowing bright green. He grinned as his thought," I doubt I will walk away with some profound and deep understanding but I will get to burn someone." Laughing a bit as he knew he was most defiantly not the most scary or deadly being to take this path but hey everyone had to start somewhere. He jumped right through the portal waiting to see if the grass was greener on the other side so to speak.


White sand, tall pillars of stone, walls of weaponry and a center piece of water and fire. This actually seemed pretty cool how in the center of this twenty foot room in the center was a hole that water just seemed to travel round and round a the fire open fire pit like like whirlpool created by children running in circles. The oddity was there was no children. It funny that this interest a warlock so much because he was considered yet a novice in real understand of magical arts even though he had went to school for this and had received tutelage all his life on the science of magic and alchemy. But he had learned not to ask too many questions it would ruin the surprise.

Salem took himself to the far side of the room were he could see the open portal with pure clarity, he wouldn't want to make to easy easy to be taken by surprise right...


He took a seat in the sand as recalled old times with family and friends as he humored himself with playing with a ball of fire. Looking up he noticed the opening made in the high and far corners of the room. The faintest hints of moon light shined down glowing over the white sand like a moon light over the ocean in some ways. It was a shame it was about to just receive a bit of crimson coloring the moment someone parted the veil to where he sat.

[matthewkuch]

Gavner barely noticed as the night came and grew old. He and his friend Black Shadow were visiting an old friend who had dropped by Radasanth in one of their favorite pubs, but all too soon the time had come for him to leave. As Gavner and Black Shadow bid him farewell, they were left alone in the bar to discuss current events.

A night of ease and relaxation quickly turned into tactical analysis for their new wetworks mission. The mission was going to be launched in several nights, so they needed all the preparation they could get. Before they could notice, the night had been brutally murdered by the harsh and unforgiving rays of the sun. Morning had been born in the death that night had suffered, the death caused by childbirth.

Gavner knew it would be a long trip to the Ixian Castle, longer than he was comfortable with. A vampire could survive in the sun, but only for a very brief period of time. After about thirty minutes he would become severely burned; after four hours he would be nothing more than a mere pile of ash. Children of the night did not belong in the day.

“I think I will head over to the citadel for a quick fight,” Gavner said to his mute friend. “I need some more preparation for the wetworks mission.”

Just don’t die, Black Shadow wrote on a piece of paper.

It was true. There were several different species of vampires, but Gavner Nahs was of the Shan species. Something in their blood prevented them from revival; if they died they could not return. It was a risk every time that Gavner went to the citadel, but it was a risk he was willing to take if it increased his skills.

Pulling up the hood on his ebony traveling cloak Gavner stepped out into the streets of Radasanth. The sun on his face felt like a cannonball to the chest. All the air was forced out of Gavner’s lungs and it was as if somebody had dealt a serious blow to his stomach. He was overcome with the urge to vomit, and he doubled over in the sensation.

Citadel, I need to make it to the citadel. Gavner told himself. He always had a hard time adjusting to the sunlight after a long night.

Down the street Gavner walked, quickly running short of breath. It was sixty degrees out but to a vampire it seemed like one hundred. Down the bustling streets and past colleges and inns Gavner hurried. No matter how quickly he traveled he could not seem to reach the citadel fast enough. He sped through the market, venders just beginning to open shop and set up wares. Perfumes and odors of fruits and exotic spices swelled in the air, intensified by the sun. They seemed to choke the vampire and make breathing an almost impossible task.

He finally turned the corner and saw it, the citadel. The massive structure proudly stood taller than any other in the vicinity, rightfully boasting all of the legends that were made here. This was where aspiring heroes built up their skills, or where old heroes could fight once more. This was Gavner’s current destination.

Reaching the entrance, Gavner finally stepped into the shelter of the edifice and began to recover. Examining his skin Gavner found it to be light pink from the rays that seeped through his cloak. Still catching his breath, he took a deep breath and began to search for a matchmaker. After a few minutes of searching he was successful. He was taken up three flights of stairs into the associate’s office and shown four identical wooden doors; each of iron trim.

“Are you in for some quick cash or just a pleasure fight?” The matchmaker asked in a higher pitched nasally voice.

“I’m actually on training.” Gavner said in disgust. How somebody could fight without a purpose, Gavner did not know.

“In that case take the third door,” the man said. “You should find an opponent suited to someone of your…” The matchmaker looked at Gavner with a sneer, “ability range.”

Gavner was enraged at the audacity of this man, but the vampire quelled his anger for the sake of his fight. He did not want to be cast out for killing an employee of the citadel outside of the arena. Opening the door with the round handle Gavner entered the waiting room that led to his arena. The cell was very small, made of concrete, and had no windows. Two iron benches were suspended from each wall by chains and at the end opposite the door; an empty arch.


Gavner waited in the cell for about five minutes when a green film spread across the arch with a swirling center. Sand sneaked through the portal and coated the floor at the base of the arch. Whoever his opponent was, Gavner knew he was already in the arena waiting for him. Backing up to the wooden door Gavner prepared his strategy in his mind.

Sprinting for the portal with supernatural speed and leapt through the portal into the arena.

[Salem]

Growing bored beyond measure. Salem had dosed off a few times even sleeping from time to time catching thirty minute naps along the way. He had woke up roughly four to five am judging by the shirt of the opening up high. This ment day time was upon him and he knew that if the room was changing it was for a purpose.

The portal glowed brighter or well more so brighter than beforehand. Laughably, he grinned with a cracking of his neck. He rose to his pulls up his just as he seen the fast part of the being rushing though the portal. Pushing out and using the fire place in the center of the room. Pushing out this fire to attack and maybe catch him or her as that was yet unknown. Hoping to burn him pretty well he may add. Yes, Salem was on the opposite side of the door and portal entry way of the room but the fire place was in the center of the room. This giving him quite the helping hand in a nifty little wake up call.

Rolling backward from the ground on to his feet. His yellow eyes peered out as he stood in the shadowy edges of the room. Salem would aim to keep that fire place in between himself and his newly arrived opponent. He doubted he would have killed his opponent if with his dirty little trick. Burned him or her pretty well yea sure. But, even in his adept or novice like amount of combative knowledge; he could always.

As he turned his body sideways and begun to shift his movements through the sand in a slow and calculated walk as he aimed to determine the strength and weaknesses of his opponent if able by the coming events. Salem would kick off his shoes in a very quick motion without missing a beat in the placement of his footing.

Still staring out as awaited and watched to take every moment and account this to memory to receive as much detail in these moments. Salem would not allow himself to die, he could not allow himself to bested so early in his search of knowledge and goal of being a renowned warlock.

Maybe, he over thought such things but as he recalled every detail of his past, present and future rushing through his mind he knew if he failed to complete this one task set by his uncle. He highly doubted he would be forgive.

Salem came to a final conclusion after miles and miles of hug wash of garbage that flooded his mind. None of that would help him and this case second place meant dead.

[matthewkuch]

Gavner burst through the portal head-first to find that the battle had already begun before he even entered the arena. He broke his landing with his hands and flowed into a military dodge roll; only to see a fireball soaring for his head when he came back up. With his senses on high alert, Gavner jerked his head back and felt the heat on his face as he watched the deadly ballistic shoot into the sand behind him. Sediments flew in all directions as the bolt of magic exploded and sent the burning irritants into Gavner’s face. He had closed his eyes just in time and was soon on his feet.

Gavner stood on a canvas of white sand that stretched over the floor of what looked like a very old weapons arsenal. Great grey grainy blocks formed four walls with canvas hanging on them. There were rusty outlines of axes, swords, and terrible instruments of destruction but they had all been removed, leaving a silhouette from the oxidized weapons. Large stone pillars that were undoubtedly elegant and beautiful in their prime now stood frail and decrepit; on the verge of being destroyed from the weight that had once been nothing to them. The whole room seemed to be dying, far beyond the years of its prime and finally on its last leg.

The only thing lively about the room was the blazing pillar of fire in the center. A stone firepit about five feet in diameter boasted a large flame that blazed fiveteen feet in the air, roaring like an angry lion. Almost reaching the ceiling of the twenty foot room, the tips of this inferno mysteriously had no source of fuel in the firepit. Surrounding the firepit was a basin of water that infinitely rushed in circles.

Spotting his enemy in the corner of the room, Gavner assessed his competition. He was not large or muscular, nor did he look faster than the average human. Gavner most likely had him beat in these areas. He did not wear armor nor was he equipped with any swords or shielding unit; this opponent was clearly not a warrior.

Having a small physique and the ability to produce the fireball he had just witnessed, Gavner assumed this person was a mage. Gavenr had not yet faced the arts of offensive magic, but he assumed that his opponent would try to keep his distance. So long as this person was far enough away Gavner thought he would be able to dodge spells that were cast his way. It was the close range magic that he had to worry about…

Lowering his center of Gravity, Gavner stood on the balls of his feet, ready to dodge anything that came his way. If nothing came in several minutes he would make the first move.

[Salem]

After all the commotion Salem watched the events play out. Taking note of his opponent quick wits and his defensive maneuvers. Some would say okay well that did no god. However; Salem had just learned a great just as his opponent had just learned a fair amount about Salem as well.

The fact that his opponent didn't use magic to block his attack ment either he did not have had magical abilities or that his physical ability out weight weighed his magical abilities either or that it didn't matter for the moment. Grinning like normal, Salem walked out into the open to the right of blazing center piece of a fire. As he made his way across he would out of nowhere Salem would take of in dead sprint toward his target. Once he closed the distance to being nearly ten or twelve foot away he would bring up both hand for a nice little surprise.

Drawing back both hand more for show than either other reason. He actually didn’t need half of the movements taking place to get the results he wanted. Drawing a blaze ball of fire from the center of the arena roughly seven or eight foot to his left. He would bring the fire ball from the side in a curved motion aiming for his opponent’s right side. While using his left hand use a move normally used for defense actually and channel this to his opponents left side. The purpose is to cause both manifestations to happen at the exact same time. Salem was very much so aware that his reflect like force field that acts as a shield may not hold his opponent the exact spot for long. But figuring that out would be a miracle to see and awesome. So the end result was that Salem is aiming to stall his opponent’s move if he tried to break away in a quick dodge or any other fancy maneuver.

Laughing a bit inside as he was still going after his opponent physically as well. This being a secondary idea if in fact his first one failed. Or even if his first was successful he would still need to drive home the advantage of burning his opponent.

As all this happened, Salem knew that if didn’t work in any shape or form. He would be in for a world of hurt. Not because of lack of skill but lack of offense prowess. Of course he was a fair brawler and some would even say better in terms of skill but Salem knew if it came down to a slugging match with fist his opponent would knock him out by the use of speed and strength alone.

[matthewkuch]

Eyes glued to his opponent, Gavner watched intently as his foe emerged from the shadows. The vampire was agile and on his toes as he watched the enemy draw near. Raising his, hands the assailant drew from the pillar of fire in the center of the room. Gavner was timing the attack to dodge it once more, but this time he had less success in his efforts.

As the jet of fire raced towards him Gavner jumped to his left but found that he was confined by an invisible barrier. He had jumped four feet in the air, and the fireball collided with his right ankle, incinerating the clothing and charring flesh. Gavner felt the heat disperse as the fireball exploded on his leg, giving first degree burns to the side opposite the point of impact. Although half of his shin was burned and skin had been removed, it was not extremely serious or incapacitating.

Realizing that he must have been entrapped by some sort of magic barrier, Gavner thrust his fist through the air at neckbreak velocity. When his fist reached the barrier, it broke through with a flash of bright light. The barrier seemed to have shattered from the blow, pieces of it dissolving into thin air. Feeling a spurt of pain from his ankle Gavner grunted loudly and turned to his attacker angrily.

Leaping towards the assailant using mainly his left leg, Gavner closed a distance of thirteen feet between him and his foe. Pain from his burn flared up as he landed but Gavner forced himself to continue on. The vampire was now within 4 feet of his opponent and wasted no time on hesitation. Lunging the final 3 feet Gavner thrust his hand at his enemy’s soft, fleshy, unprotected belly. His razor sharp black nails could slice through the skin like a freshly sharpened kitchen knife into overripe tomato.

With ebony teeth bared and mouth ajar in a face of ire, Gavner pierced the enemy’s gaze with his blazing red eyes as he attacked. This adversary had been purely stupid to invoke the wrath of a vampire…

[Salem]

“Oh Boy…”, grinning as he watched the events play out. Yea, he was sure he had pissed off his opponent now for his creative little under handed scams. His opponent sprinted in very quick sprint toward himself. He did notice the over use of his left more so than his right. As his opponent drew near Salem he knew guess he was about be in for a pretty rough tumble. As his opponent rushed in at the last moment. Salem dropped down as fast as he could. Helping himself in the drop down by stepping in to his left/ his opponent right side using that to play the angle needed to maybe get out without loosing life or limb. Ducking down in his short step forward using gravity’s help by letting all his weight just drop down to increase the speed. Although it is true that such would only give him say a extra point five percent worth of speed. Pulling his arms in his side turning to the side.

“OOOOOOOOOuchh”, he roared as he took on a nasty gash to his left arm. He would most likely not be able to use it very much in the rest of match if he wished to save it for later if need be and ride out the pain. Gripping a hand full of white sand in his right hand. Salem sprung up to his feet slinging a handful into the face of his opponent as a distraction and to blight him slightly if possible.

Using this brief delay of awareness he has caused. And with both himself and his opponent now being fairly close to the fire of the arena; Salem pulled to his right and flung his hand and arm in a side motion bringing with it fairly large and hotter version of his normal fire ball. Using the stored energy from his family’s crest ring. This was meant to turn the tables. Man he loved that ring.

During his motion and action of his large fire ball roughly the size of a basketball maybe a little less or more. As he did smell a bit chard up and smokey; he could live with the trade of his hair being a bit burnt up.

His goal was to burn his opponent fairly well from neck to waste high of the body. Salem his gamble riding on this one shot. It had actually been his goal the entire time. Salem would guess that his opponent thought he planned to draw the fight in to win as he knew right after the first short round so to speak should the physical stature of his opponent. He would not be able to win that way. His plan was to draw in his opponent close not only to him but closer to the fire as well.

It’s all about the roll of the dice and for this round he was hoping on rolling a lucky seven so to speak.

[matthewkuch]

“Xzcunge,” Gavner cursed to himself as he rubbed the sand from his face to see what was happening.

Everything was beginning to focus once more. His eyes still stung from the sediments in his face but he could make out the inferno at the centerpiece once more. Tall pillars of stone were coming into focus, towering over all else. For the first time, Gavner noticed that the water swirling around the fire was aqua blue. The color of the basin blended with the white sea of sand enveloping the arena. Then Gavner noticed his opponent.

The mage was once more leeching fire from the massive centerpiece and forming it into a large projectile. Gavner knew that he could not dodge this ballistic at last minute like he planned with the last; he had to dodge it as soon as it left the mage’s hand. This meant Gavner had to pick a direction and hope that the luck of the vampires was on his side. As Gavner watched the eyes of his opponent the luck of the vampires was indeed, on his side. Gavner dove to his left as the fireball shot in his direction, just barely clearing his hip.

But a feat far worse befell after Gavner dodged the attack…

The vampire roared in pain as he felt something run through his left calf. Something sharp, most likely from the weapons racks, had found its way directly into Gavner’s gastrocnemius. He was so distraught that he did not see what the fireball had caused. The child of the night had been standing directly in front of a large stone pillar when he dodged the mage’s projectile. Missing Gavner, the fireball continued on its course to the base of the pillar where it exploded. The weakened tower of stone gave way and toppled in Gavner’s direction.

Crumbling into a thousand smaller stones as it landed, the pillar was destroyed when it hit the ground. Gavner did not even notice the pillar until it was too late. The enormous mass destroyed Gavner’s legs as it demolished itself on his lower half. He could not make any sounds of agony as all the air was taken from his lungs. All he could do was stare at the large mass of stones that were on his legs. Gavner knew that the fight was over. Through carelessness he had not thought of every possible situation, and the unthinkable had been his downfall. Swallowing his pride, Gavner raised his hand in defeat.

Looking into the face of his enemy Gavner noticed that he was fighting but a teenager. His features were ruddy and reflecting of boyhood; still learning the ways of life. Not only had the boy been a lesson to Gavner, but Gavner a lesson to the boy.

“You fought well kid,” Gavner managed to puff out in submission. At this point, talking was a greater chore than ever. “I must end the fight here; you may take the victory without killing me. Do you accept my renunciation?”

[Salem]

Salem actually wanted to kill his opponent. And he knew he could, it was that simple. He had turned a vampire into a cripple. Such was the hard truth about this situation he found himself in but… He turned to his opponent with a grin. On one condensation that he would walk away,” I will have a rematch with upon a day”. With a nod because of the fact he did take away a single lesson in all this madness. Salem could not do as he wished because he lacked the fine art of combat in a true form of understanding. He relied on several underhanded tricks. That is the nature of the beast. He would continue to use such he knew but now he strived to learn his craft in a different way.

With nod that he would have a unspoken agreement. He turned away, ”The name is Salem”.

Salem would have a rematch at a later date. He highly enjoyed his sparring sense but more so he would see another day. This fight was more than a random sparring match to test the waters so to speak. It was his mission. His goal to become as a leader in his family and one day even the head member would be long road.

“I have done well uncle, I have kept my promise”…

Salem walked through bright green portal. His bright yellow eyes pierced the night sky. He was the victor this go around,however; his mind was already set to his next encounter.

[matthewkuch]

"The little cur," Gavner mumbled under his breath as he lay incapacitated underneath the rubble, watching his opponent leave. "In a fair fight with no magic I could have killed you hands down..."

Gavner had been through more pain than he wished today, but in a sense it was a blessing. He was conditioning for the pain and suffering yet to come. Gavner gave a sigh of relief as the monks of the citadel came out into the arena; they were his escape. They began to clear the stones as one of them approached Gavner. The monk extended his hand over Gavner's face which the vampire welcomed. He would slip from consciousness and all of his pain would be gone when he woke. It would be night time, and he could return to the Ixian Castle to recount today's events to Black Shadow. They could continue planning their wetworks mission and prepare even more.

Before he fell subject to the monk's spell he noticed the jet black stain in the white sand. Gavner had not noticed this before this point in time; the stain of his own vampric blood. The second he noticed this, a sharp bitter smell reached his nostrils; the odor which the essence of his very life gave off. Gavner shuddered as his defeat dawned on him. To a vampire, a defeat was far more than a wound that could be healed. It was a bruise in his ego.

So even though Gavner would walk away from the battle with no permanent injuries on his body, he would sustain one wound that would take time to heal; injured pride.

End of battle. Thread will be submitted for judgement

[Philomel]

Name of Thread: Nothing Like Homework (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28346-Nothing-Like-Homework-(Open))
Judgement Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Salem and matthewkuch


This thread was originally written by Ranger and then edited somewhat by Philomel.


Salem

Plot (15/30)

Story: 4
The story started off well, and was well plotted, however there were a few issues: Other than your uncles approval, and I suppose his and Salem’s necessity of making the warlock stronger, I wasn’t sure why you were in the Citadel. Questions were left over such as who is Salem and why is it important for him to be stronger, just to become leader of the family? Is his family important? These little things were left unanswered, and can really help a reader to understand more about your character. Try thinking about the morals and the whys of your placement and this will really help in your plot.


Setting: 4
There was some brief description in post 1 on setting with, “This actually seemed pretty cool how in the center of this twenty foot room in the center was a hole that water just seemed to travel round and round a the fire open fire pit like like whirlpool created by children running in circles.” This is a good start, but there can be a lot more information for the scene. In general there wasn’t much information. Try thinking, like in Story, of a picture in your head. What type of weapons were on the walls, did any stand out to you? Was the fire roaring or more like a campfire? Play on the building blocks you start with to create a picture.
Setting is also more than just visual, it includes all the senses and how your character perceives them. This is every writer’s greatest challenge in the long run, bringing a setting to life. It involves drawing on what you hear, what you taste, smell, and feel. Once you get the feel for that you can use those senses to add depth to your character itself by adapting those senses into memories, personal quirks and idiosyncrasies, and really build on the entire Character portion of the rubric.


Pacing: 7
The flow of the battle was fast paced, and exciting. It moved from one attack to another, building as it went. While it was somewhat abrupt, it was also a battle and acted like one throughout. Each post was focused and the brevity that underlined the narrative was not overly verbose, causing the reader to slow down. Pacing is your strongest point. Even at the end when you slowed the pace for the last post it remained abrupt – in the best way possible – that offered the reader some insight into the fact that Salem was just there to fight, pure and simple. When the fight was over, he left without saying much. That is what adds dimension to the character’s persona, using the pace of the thread to show instead of tell who your character is and his personality.

Character (15/30)


Communication: 6
Overall you have a good grasp of dialogue in terms of your character. Some of the phrases have real power and impact. However with the style of narrative you write, it would be easy to transition some of the lower diction and casual writing into actual thoughts. You could accomplish this by saying “Salem thought” after one of the casually inserted sentences that would easily add to your character. This could help the overall power of your more oddly placed pieces of dialogue, and strengthen your Persona.
At the very end, your short dialogue spoken to the defeated Gavner, was on point with regards to personality. Tossing out nonchalant quick sentences, as if over your shoulder without a care, was well done.


Action: 5
The intent to kill, the passion to continuously assault; that is what makes Salem interesting. You have this character who seems so bent on destruction, bringing fireballs to the fight continuously. However, as with story, there is still confusion as to reason: Why is it that Salem seems so furious in his attacks and so blunt in battle? Expound upon the reason for his actions and really delve into the actions of the character. Again, putting yourself into his shoes mentally means trying to understand the character, and his resolve, and how that comes to light in everything he does.


Persona: 4
Persona was probably the weakest out of the Character sections, but you had a good start as to Salem’s personality through his actions, with just hints. What would really help, as mentioned in Communication, is placing some of your more casual writing into thoughts. In post 5, for example, you have “Some would say okay well that did no god.” Aside from the spelling mistake, this could easily be some inner dialogue; “Okay, well that did no good, Salem thought”.
Directly after the description of fire and water there is mention of: “It funny that this interest a warlock so much because he was considered yet a novice in real understand of magical arts even though he had went to school for this and had received tutelage all his life on the science of magic and alchemy,” but no real mention of why this interested you and how the fire pit with water going around it relates to your studies of magic and alchemy. Try being really clear with thought patterns. This is just an example though, there is just a writer-character relationship that is growing here and is sure to bloom some time soon.
I think once you get a good feel for who Salem is and how to show that through the narrative you will have an amazing base to write from and build on.

Prose (12/30)

Mechanics: 4
Unfortunately here you have a fair few missing words and a fair bit of spelling mistakes, though for the most part you are pretty strong.
Missing words are those such as found in post 1 with “His uncle and somewhat of a teacher to him in many ways had sent to practice what he had studied,” where there should be a “him” between “sent” and “to”. Just take care to read over your passages before you submit them for judgement and such things like this can easily be avoided.
A similar issue with commas where they are missing and this causes jumbles in the flow of speech. Such as in post 1 again, “Being confused like always because hey is it ever going to cause a massive disaster for someone or really anyone to not speak in riddles.” – This sentence is a run-on, and needs a comma after the first clause, it to set apart the next section.
There is a little bit of a list, and errors that continue into post 3 and beyond also. What can be recommended is that you read out loud all the posts to yourself, and this will help you to discern where commas and words go. A brief spell check can always help too :)


Clarity: 3
The general battle was pretty well told, with good action and fighting, but there was also a fair few issues with clarity. Almost all of it was missing words, misused words, or sentence structure, as mentioned in Mechanics. If you take the time to re-read your posts, especially out loud to yourself, you will hear what is missing and why it is confusing.
One example is in post 3: “He had woke up roughly four to five am judging by the shirt of the opening up high,” where the phrase “by the shirt of the opening” is really confusing. The word choice should give meaning to the reader, and in this circumstance it is out of place. Not sure what you meant by ‘shirt’. Really try to think what the reader could get from the pieces and phrases here.


Technique: 5
Your writing style is very laid back, casual, and for the most part almost flows as a base that lends itself to first person. The third person past tense and the style you write with at times clash a little, and more often than not you place present tense wording into the narrative. Be careful to stick with the same tense as you go. Also, you have a lot of fragmented sentences followed by run-on sentences.
At the very end of the first post you showed a sudden flash of light that was really good with “It was a shame it was about to just receive a bit of crimson coloring the moment someone parted the veil to where he sat.” The way this is worded is well done, playing the colors against each other in a juxtaposition of pale moonlight and the promise of blood is a vivid expression and good, simple foreshadowing.

Wildcard (4/10)
Your biggest strength is that you can keep the flow of a battle and the timing for it through the thread. I think that your brevity offers a great place to start building for future threads. Don’t lose that over time, as many people do.

The best piece of advice for this thread for you, is remember to proofread. Its power can never go under-estimated!

Matthewkuch

Plot (18/30)

Story: 6
In your first post you offered a good bit of background about your character, not just his reason for being in the Citadel but also current friendships and allegiances. However, sometimes in battles a lot of information sometimes distracts from the main topic, so be careful here just how much you put in.
Note: My only qualm/confusion is that you said the specific species of Vampire that Gavner is does not allow him to revive, ever. In the Citadel they can revive anyone after death, because the Ai’Bron monks are basically healing and illusion gods on Althanas. So I wasn’t sure if the non-revival thing still applied to him there as well. (This is just an aside, random question I had, nothing that affected the judgment).


Setting: 6
You added to the setting well, taking the base of the description that your opponent started with and giving it your own little twist. This is always allowed, unless otherwise specified, and doing so adds more depth that your opponent may not have elaborated on. However, there is some slight confusion as in the 4th post, you mentioned that many of the weapons (if not all) were removed with, “There were rusty outlines of axes, swords, and terrible instruments of destruction but they had all been removed, leaving a silhouette from the oxidized weapons. “
However, your opponent’s opening post said they were still present. Remember not to change things too much from the initial, as then the divergence changes the entire setting. If you say there aren’t any weapons after your opponent says there are, and he grabs one, then you have to play off that and the continuity of the setting is broken.
Else, you have a really strong sense of setting, and it helps that you use it throughout the thread. Just be careful to follow all the little details throughout and you will become stronger in writing.


Pacing: 6
The quick, short posts of your response kept with the flow of battle. They gave the sense of a quick pace while allowing the reader to flow through your posts quickly, understanding the writing yet giving the narrative its own impression of speed. You did not go out of your way to make things convoluted, but a couple of times they were. That is an easy fix, making sure that how you write through the thread remains the same and that your advanced technique used in a thread is integrated well. If you want to add anything wordy make sure that it flows with the style of writing. Otherwise, well done.

Character (13/30)

Communication: 4
Though what your character says is really on subject, on character and poitant, there was little to no communication for the majority of this thread. It is not just about what you say, but what you think as well. Using your actions as words only goes so far. Remember to add in thoughts here and there, even if just casually put into the narrative as you go, as it gives the reader insight into the personality of the character.


Action: 5
Mostly you have a sense of the action and you follow things through, from beginning to end, which is particularly well done. For your character you have a lot of really interesting abilities and exciting movements that you use to your advantage, so well done here.
However: this is the second thread I have judged of yours, and the second time I have seen you deliberately walk into the sun and hurt yourself. I’m unsure why you make that happen, or why Gavner does it to himself. It is something to think about.
One other concern was in response to abilities, where you write in post 5 that “Although half of his shin was burned and skin had been removed, it was not extremely serious or incapacitating.” This could be construed as powergaming, if you do not have an ability to help you ignore pain or endure it. Burns are incredibly painful and affect the character mentally as well as physically, a fact that you can play off of through the narrative as you go. It is really just something to think about; the burn is mentioned again, but just make sure you keep constant.
Most of all, though, you are getting there with your action. Reading other people’s battles could help to explore different ideas and ways of writing, so try this in order to experiment a little.


Persona: 4
It is known that Gavner is a good man, at heart, and that is pretty clear. However sometime it is hard, as the reader, to understand who Gavner is or what his convictions are. A lot of that comes down to lack of communication, as most of this narrative was simply action. Always remember to give the reader some personality. Without it Gavner is a vampire with a friend who is part of the Ixian knights, and nothing more.

Prose (19/30)

Mechanics: 6
Overall you do not have many spelling mistakes and use sentence structure well, so good job here. A few points, though, do crop up, such as the mentions you make of “Citadel.” It is a proper noun because it is a name of a place, so anytime you write it the word should be capitalized. Also you could use more commas in general, such as in post 5 with “Feeling a spurt of pain from his ankle Gavner grunted loudly and turned to his attacker angrily. “ where there should be a comma after ‘his ankle.’ Try in general to write numbers instead of using the symbol such as “1.”
“The vampire was now within 4 feet of his opponent and wasted no time on hesitation. Lunging the final 3 feet Gavner thrust his hand at his enemy’s soft, fleshy, unprotected belly.” This will really help with your flow of writing, and help to improve it in general. You do have a strong grasp of mechanics, its just small mistakes here that can easily be improved on with a minor proof-read.


Clarity: 7
Other than a few things here and there, your writing has been improving with every thread. This one was much clearer than the last one I read, with far less fundamental mistakes, allowing it to read easily and with far less confusion. Keep it up, don’t lose the brevity of your writing as you become more accustom to the site and writing itself, and you will be just fine.


Technique: 6
You do have some really good areas of description here, so congratulations. But at times they are a little confusing and maybe distracting from the overall flow of the thread/posts.
Post 1 has, “Before they could notice, the night had been brutally murdered by the harsh and unforgiving rays of the sun. Morning had been born in the death that night had suffered, the death caused by childbirth.” “Brutally murdered” is a really strong use of words that I saw as a tactical diction choice that built on your vampiric aspect. However, the last sentence with the addition of childbirth threw it off and made it read awkwardly. Make sure you keep your technique flowing well and rounding it out well. Sometimes repetition of words also, such as with “Sprinting for the portal with supernatural speed and leapt through the portal into the arena.” can be really distraction, so try to vary word choice. Synonyms of the word could be used to add a depth to the diction but also help with the flow of the narrative, and a thesaurus can really help here.
Overall, though strong as it stands, and has plenty of room for development.

Wildcard (6/10)
Your strength is that you are going above and beyond to really master the basics of writing. I see that you are putting effort into being better, writing clearly, and checking for mistakes. Even just in the two threads that I have read I can seem marked improvements. I look forward to reading more in the future and seeing how well you develop your own voice once you have set a good foundation down.

Score::
Salem : 46
Matthewkuch: 56

Matthewkuch wins!

Rewards:

Matthewkuch (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17109-matthewkuch) receives:
1840 EXP
56 GP


Salem (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17567-Salem) receives:
525 EXP
46 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!