Workshop: To Build a Citadel with Magics

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: To Build a Citadel with Magics (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28363-To-Build-a-Citadel-with-Magics)
Name of Authors: BlueGhostOfSeaside
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 10 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 13/01/2014

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

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4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Tobias Stalt]

Hey Ash,

I'll leave you some helpful critique to build on that you can integrate (or not!) into your future writings. Or, at least I'll attempt to. Take what I say here with a grain of salt; if you don't like something, don't use it. If something clicks for you, try it out. That said, we're off and running.

Right off, I get the sense that your character is somewhat absent minded about her pregnancy. Simply because she is rebellious or defiant ought not make her reckless enough to endanger the child, and one would think other Althanians would have the presence of mind (if not the courtesy) to either dissuade her, or refuse to let her participate in the Citadel. Five months pregnant, a woman has begun to show (you're over half through with it at this point, the body is swollen to accommodate the child, and you're becoming sluggish because you have to nourish a second life within yourself. You're carrying extra weight, hormones are raging at random intervals which can cause you to be anywhere from generally happy, to extremely sad, all the way to raging anger. Spiked adrenal flow such as is produced during combat could having lasting effects on the child long term, if it becomes a repeated factor. I'm not saying that there will certainly be complications in the child's birth, but these are factors to consider when writing. Realism (even in Fantasy, if not especially in Fantasy) is what makes it believable, and therefore better writing.

That piece out of the way, I'll move on into criticisms of the thread proper. In a previous judgment, Quentin the Boone mentioned once that you have a habit of overplaying the ellipsis. It's quite a prominent trend in this thread as well, though I won't necessarily argue that it distracts, it should be used mostly for dramatic effect, and less for trailing off during narrative. The ellipsis by nature is meant to disrupt the flow of a thought and break away from it, which allows the author to segue from one idea to another, or to break from something important without giving it away, but giving the read just enough to bait them further on in their reading.

There is a steady dialogue between Ashla and your introduced character, Daisuke; I feel that you introduced him awkwardly with the combat trial, given that combat was not necessarily his specialty and Ashla is not currently functioning at optimum capacity. There are other ways to conduct a test that might be more constructive to use; if the need be, run combat with a character who is not Ashla while she oversees. For an alchemist character, you might have him prove his worth in a laboratory, or divulging the nature of a poison and counteracting its effects. Get creative! That's what it's all about.

Further on the interaction with Daisuke, it felt rushed. You introduced him, fought him, and ended the fight in a matter of posts, but the time frame involved felt convoluted. You want to be clear about what's going on, both with your character and around them, and be fully aware of the scale of what you're writing versus the entire piece. If you're going to take half the work you do and jam it into three posts (the medium in this case), you're basically turning all your other writing into fluff. Instead of focusing on any one aspect, focus on the story as a whole. It should flow seamlessly (or as seamlessly as you can manage) from one event into the next. Nothing should stick out too much more than anything else, at least, not to the point where it trivializes everything else you've written.

The conversation that follows between the two feels more like filler than necessary interaction. I understand completely wanting to justify PALE, but you have plenty of time (and virtually countless possibilities for threads) to do that. An idea doesn't die until you kill it. It is always being shaped, reshaped, and built into something different. Slow build.

That's my two cents.
Tobes.

[matthewkuch]

To Build a Citadel With Magics: Thread Link (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28363-To-Build-a-Citadel-with-Magics)
Judgment Type: Workshop
Participants: BlueGhostofSeaside



Plot: 16/30

Storytelling- 5/10
I saw great effort here as you hashed out the story of Ashla and Daisuke, but it was rather awkward and repetitive as you put a great deal of energy into repeating that the Duchess was pregnant during the battle. The battle itself did seem rather rushed; the alchemist arrived, Ashla threw a few sword shots at him, and let him in. Maybe it would have been a bit more realistic if she tested him in alchemy if that was her main concern. According to the thread she let him in without any proof that he could make a potion; Daisuke did not give her the tonic to make her feel better until after she admitted him into the organization. Just keep in mind that your character may want better reasoning before trusting strangers. If there was any, it was not highlighted in this thread.

Setting- 5/10
I did have a good idea of what was going on in terms of where the characters were, but some of the settings were only partially described. Your description of the citadel arena was strong initially but faltered as you started the battle. There was minimal description of the area outside the citadel arena until Ashla and Daisuke reached the diner. Although you were a bit weaker in this area, you were stronger in character and background description. You did a good job of telling some background information on Ashla and keeping the alchemist’s story a mysterious secret.

Pacing- 6/10
Although you did not rush the thread itself, the sparring between the alchemist and Ashla was rushed. Daisuke merely blocked everything that came his way, but was he good at evading? If he was not a fighter, would he have slipped away from Ashla behind a table and kicked over a chair? Could he have ducked or dodged some of the attacks?



Character: 17/30

Communication- 5/10
All of the dialogue seemed constant to the character personalities, but they never seemed to say anything extremely important. Even upon meeting the stranger, Ashla seemed to be rather casual with the alchemist.


"I wish people would stop bugging me with that!" Ashla literally stomped her foot, "Yes, I know, carrying a baby and fighting isn't a great idea, but I'm not fighting! I'm sparring." Ashla folded arms together, closing her eyes, it was as if she knew it all. "I initiate battles in the Citadel for a reason..."

This behavior somewhat contradicts the impression given by the previous description in the thread.

Action-6/10
The action seemed appropriate for both of the characters. As you stressed Ashla’s pregnancy, you held constant to the fact that she could not fight extremely well or long. I do understand that part of the story, but as I mentioned earlier it was questionable that she did not challenge Daisuke to a battle of wits or a test of skills.

Persona- 6/10
I’d say you had a solid grasp on Ashla, but your perception of Daisuke suffered from lack of depth. His past was mysterious and untold, but his future showed lack of attention. He wanted to get into P.A.L.E. but why? What did he wish to accomplish within the organization? Did he want to help merely for the good of mankind or did he wish to avenge something from his mysterious past?



Prose: 16/30

Mechanics- 6/10
Overall you did proficient in this area but I could tell it was one of your weaker areas. You had a few punctuation errors here and there, a capitalization error or two. Spelling mistakes were not really an issue, but I looked more at sentence structure than anything here. Some sentences made me reread them or the paragraphs and others I noticed could have been merged by condensing important information and converting the rest into appositives. Other times you could have taken the participial route and dissected specific parts to add the more sophisticated structure. Your current writing is great, but when you decide to take it to the next level this will help you on your way!

Clarity- 5/10
In terms of clarity you did okay, but as I said earlier some of her actions seem rather immature and unnatural to her personality. The fight also seemed unrealistic. Why would you fight if you had a baby that far into development?


"I wish people would stop bugging me with that!" Ashla literally stomped her foot, "Yes, I know, carrying a baby and fighting isn't a great idea, but I'm not fighting! I'm sparring." Ashla folded arms together, closing her eyes, it was as if she knew it all. "I initiate battles in the Citadel for a reason..."

Remember, child first! Can't let anything happen to my baby! Just can't...

She begins to give a reason but then completely contradicts herself. If everything was going to be perfectly fine fighting in the citadel, why was she concerned about something happening to the baby? Just be careful of this occurring during some of your more serious threads.

Technique- 5/10
Your technique was definite and consistent, but never ventured far in terms of development. Literary devices were kept to a minimum, and sentence structure was mostly basic. Your tone was very casual but, and forgive me saying, you rocked the casual tone. You were very confident in it, and held the tone consistent throughout your writing.

Additional Comments Under This Category (prose)
Just some tips for when you switch to a more serious tone. I have not read one of your more serious pieces yet but I look forward to it! If you are writing with a serious tone try to refrain from using the word “that” to describe nouns, gerunds, or even to modify adjectives.


He blocked without even moving his body, but simply shrugging his blade in that direction.

The man stepped back with that same elegance...

…she'd ask that same question to her own family if any were left.

Most of the time it is rather unacceptable in a serious tone to use “that” as a demonstrative pronoun, or as a demonstrative for nouns and adverbs. Consider renaming the article in a different way, or changing the structure completely. An example:


He blocked without even moving his body, but simply shrugging his blade in the same direction. [or] He blocked without even moving his body, but simply shrugged his blade in the direction of Ashla’s blow.

I have noticed that you do tend to use commas quite a bit. I can relate to you on that because I used to, and sometimes still do, use way too many commas. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with using a few commas here and there, other times they are required, but stylistically the less commas you use the better. I guess just keep that in mind when you write. Sometimes it helps me to just read over my writing and I usually catch any extra commas.

A simple, black shirt with fluffed ends, large and comfortable enough to wear while carrying a child, was what she wore for a top.

The last thing I have for you is refraining from repetition of words at the beginning of sentences. I know it can be rough when you are thinking of ways to start sentences but repetition is really something you want to stay away from; casual or serious. It is very difficult to obtain that “wow-factor” that will push you up to a solid (7-8), and it is certainly impossible to reach a masterful (9-10) under any of these categories if repetition occurs.


She had her beautiful hair, usually down and thick, tied back. She had her cloak on her neck, drooping down her back and legs, as well as her long shawl hanging off her waist. She thought she looked ridiculous.





Wildcard: 5/10

I’m going to give you wildcard on relating Ashla and Daisuke with Ashla’s hatred of family and the alchemist’s hatred of gambling. Good way of bringing the personalities together, but it was not too in-depth.



FFinal Score: 54/100

Good Job!
I really did enjoy your story! Thank you for the nice quick read and I hope I provided a few useful tips for your future writing.
(these were the numbers that I got when I consulted the full rubric, as was permitted above)

[Salem]

Hey, Icebreaker. This is actually much different than my current thread with on this exact subject so I can see some of the differences you used from the help of others already. I hope to do the same and maybe give some sound advise and fair critiques to your work.

Strengths:

In your first post you gave a fair outline of your goal for your thread. You captured the look and emotions were displayed in your writing for your character. You describe your setting in a short yet simple way that give a clear picture to picture that room. If a reader were to put in their own small details like most I could picture the start of this read being a good opening. /you gave a clear reason what your purpose was as a well. Your role as a leader was to test your new recruit in their applied position.

The two characters involved I felt like their was a connection of friendship you helped to build by allowing them to share past and present together. Using this later on in your writing will help you with having a base to look back for filler to help smooth out edge when needing detail to be added. During your thread there was a lot of back and forth with simple gestures that allowed your readers to understand various characteristics of both players. Such things like giving a present to his new leader my by a way of saying that he was grateful to be apart of your group. Those moments you seem to put a lot of effect into making your story have a lot focus about learning who the other person was.


Weakness:

I felt like your biggest enemy here was clutter and rushing. You had a mention of your baby or child in nearly every post. How others should leave you alone yet you mention how everything thing is fine. And movements later you have your new arrival make you something because your character is weak and nearing a puke session. I will not rage on about this because I know it has been brought up. But as this is a repeating scene in your thread. I felt you could have us done better with this. If in a fantasy setting there is a bit of realism to be had. No male as proper as your male lead from what this character shows would even consider striking your character. I know that may sound dumb maybe but even though your character showed to be what could a profound leader and warrior it unrealistic to go on about this fight for a alchemist role that he applied for. As a master of potions he should have been tested differently. Ending on this note as a overall point; even though some detail may seem small or unneeded they play a serious role in cause and effects; be able to roll with change. You don't have to push something to be if its not. Use what you have to mold your story to where it feel right.


Rushing... I felt so much needed and better used detail was missed placed or not even there at times. The jumps in scenes felt a bit awkward. At first I really liked your introduction to your story but once you came to your combative scene that even felt like it had no real reason in being there; it came off as odd. Grading a fighter should tell of more than a basic maneuvers and brisk swing to follow by timed back steps. I felt like there were times you pushed parts that were too much filler when you hit a spot to change the scene to the next place. The best I can help with is if your a the type of person that loves to read novels or even find good authors on here to see and read how their stories move though the stages of a story. Sometime you want that rushed and quickly paced action; yet at other time you also need that time to stop and smell the roses while you give the needed time to give detail to helpful parts of your story.

Anyway; I hope that helps. And maybe others will come along as well. I really did notice some key point that were given by others prospective used in our current thread. So its nice to actually some of the result early on before I even knew about this. Keep on improving girl.

[Philomel]

This workshop will be kept open for a further WEEK for commentary as a final chance for people to get some easy EXP.

[Philomel]

This thread is now closed. Rewards will be calculated and posted soon.

[Philomel]

Rewards:

Tobias Stalt (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17202-Tobias-Stalt):
300 EXP
20 GP

Matthewkuch (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17109-matthewkuch):
800 EXP
20 GP

Salem (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17567-Salem):
150 EXP
20 GP

[Doge]

I wrote this up and now it's finished! But I figure post anyway, and then don't worry if I don't get rewards :)

Tis an interesting read m’lady. One does have a few little bits and pieces of feedback that might be of some interest. Of course, such feedback would be my own opinion and should be taken as such.

When writing there are three voices to think about. The first, and most important is the narrator. This for most people takes the form of a third person narrative. Indeed, this was the method you used for the story. I use first person narrator, while rarely you will see second person (being someone near or a companion of the main character).

The other two voices are the character and then the surrounding NPCs. For Doge the narrator and the character are the same person.

Why does this mutt bring this up? In the narrative style you’ve picked the information can be shown rather than told. As a case in point, the start of your thread explained why PALE had been formed. It went into detail telling us about the ‘self proclaimed’ Queen as well as some history. The facts and actions were black and white (which, as a dog I did appreciate) but you could have shown us that rather than tell us.

The narrative style you’ve picked relies on your narrative ‘voice’ to always tell the truth. Ashla on the other hand is free to lie, or see things only from her perspective. This is the challenge you have with explaining PALE. If your narrator says ‘its a force for good and protecting innocence’ then that is the truth and as a reader I should accept that.

If Ashla says ‘its a force for good and protecting innocence’, then I know that she might not be telling the truth. At the very least she might be offering a perspective.

I’m my travels I’ve come across many PALE-like storylines. Avatar, The Legend of Korra has four seasons with each one a villain who is trying to do good in their mind. Kuvira is the best example to compare to PALE.

Story Stuff:
The little details were good. I liked her being uncomfortable from the fight. And a spew here and there has to improve things. Why not play it up even more? How pregnant was she? More info on cravings, or 'mummy brain', or needing to pee.

Character is also important. Who was this alchemist? What the fancy-pants clothes? Why did we want to join? Many questions about his story remained.

Overall a nice little thread, but too short. Expand that to 15 posts and it'd be much better!

[Philomel]

Apologies.

Technically this post was closed by the time you posted, so I cannot give rewards. However, thank you for your feedback.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Thank you all for you contributions.