Workshop: A Gentle Breeze and a Falling Stone

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: A Gentle Breeze and a Falling Stone (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28542-A-Gentle-Breeze-and-a-Falling-Stone)
Name of Authors: Hysteria
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 17 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 04/02/2014

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Flames of Hyperion]

* Disclaimer: This is informal, subjective advice from somebody who's not very accomplished at handing out such. Treat accordingly. Without further ado!

Story: The opening hook was basic, perhaps a bit too contrived ('after much paperwork and checking' felt a little like a cop out). The words from Talen's 'mother' also felt contrived as a plot device (although I appreciated their haiku structure) in the sense that they simply presented him with the solution to his problem. I liked the way he worked his way through the names of the elves, but his mental leap to equate the 'serpent eyes' with the medallions was a bit abrupt. Could this have been something he realised during the action instead?

On the other hand, I enjoyed the way Talen's lack of familiarity with the local geography landed him in trouble before he'd even arrived, and how he had to fight his way back from injury and circumstance throughout the thread. Your pacing, as always, kept me on my toes throughout. Finally, you wrapped up the story well between the brutal deaths of the bandit leaders and Talen's conscription of Ana to whatever end he might have in store for her.


Background: A slightly firmer sense of what haunted Talen in his opening post would have helped here, as well as expanding on it throughout the thread. Alternatively, I would have appreciated a greater sense of 'belonging to Althanas' other than the brief mentions of events in the first post. As written, the thread could have taken place anywhere at any time, with little to distinguish it bar the mysterious 'mother' (who you touched upon well, bar a couple of points that I've brought up already or will bring up below).

On a micro-scale, I would have appreciated more sensory input sprinkled throughout the thread. Especially during the fight scenes, when you didn't interact much with the setting, but also when describing Talen waking up in captivity and when he re-entered the camp. I feel that a couple of sentences here and there would have helped firm up my mental image without sacrificing the great pacing.


Characters: Your first post established Talen firmly, with the comment to himself about 'getting his hero shoes on' being particularly telling. Then he walked straight into the bandit trap, and spent the rest of the thread plotting against the odds and getting beaten down for his efforts (at least until he could make sense of his 'mother's' words). I enjoyed your depiction of his personality - cunning but slightly immature, brash and selfish but not entirely unsympathetic.

You glossed over the action somewhat when it wasn't directly relevant to the plot, which had both pros and cons. I liked how Talen was very direct in his methods when dealing with the two elven brothers, showing them not a shred of mercy. It was actually quite scary: "Oops" indeed. Further bonus points in characterisation for the way he treated Ana afterwards, though it would have been nice to see her better established in her first appearance (rather than stating at the end that she had lost a lover, perhaps a husband). Gond and Gwaew came off a bit two-dimensional, but I liked the fact that they anticipated Talen and gave him a beatdown to begin with.


Technique: The opening hooked me with its great imagery: 'haunting like a bad smell', 'working its way into his dreams', 'casting spider-like shadows across his mind's eye'. Simple refinements to the sentence crafting (for example, removing the weak verb 'seemed') would make this stand out even more. In some other places you were guilty of telling rather than showing (i.e. 'the air was crisp and clean'), and a little variation here would have gone a long way.

Sometimes your choice of story structure felt awkward: for example, in post 2, you describe the setting from Talen's eyes even before he'd appeared on the scene. At other times you made an awkward choice of phrasing ('This is where another of Talen's talents came into play now'). I found it difficult to differentiate between sections meant to be happening in Talen's mind (opening section of post 3, for example) versus what was happening in reality, which became somewhat confusing (especially when posts 7 and 8 continued it twice in a row). Also: "Talen's blue eyes fluttered open" (post 5, opening sentence). This reads awkwardly when the entire tale is told from Talen's point of view, since nobody would notice this particular fact, and you already do it better later in the same post: "She had pale blue eyes like Talen...".

Also worth a mention: minor grammatical and spelling mistakes sprinkled throughout the thread, disrupting the clarity of your writing. The most egregrious of these was during your dialogue:


"Awake?" Managed Talen. -> "Awake?" managed Talen.
"It didn't do me much good." Replied Talen. -> "It didn't do me much good," replied Talen.


* In closing: Talen is a compelling character who makes for compelling tales; with a little more polish, a touch more setting, and the same flesh applied to your secondary characters, you'd easily be able to take them to the next level!

[Alydia Ettermire]

A Gentle Breeze and a Falling Stone

Story

Storytelling
As with Tunnels, I couldn't tell why Talen was requested, in particular. If the townsfolk just wanted to Ixians to come and save their butts, why was the letter not addressed to Sei, who could then dispatch a unit? I'm also unclear as to the bandit camp's motives, nor could I figure out the exact effect of Tunnels on Talen.

That said, you wove a much more compelling and interesting tale with this thread.

Setting
You used setting more effectively, giving the story some context and depth, engaging more senses more frequently. I did think it was interesting that while the dream sequences had a very surreal, Through the Looking Glass feel to them, you chose to give them more immersive sensory detail than the waking world. I kind of have to wonder... for Talen, what is real and what is the dream?

Pacing
This started off rushed, settled in, then rushed again, as though you really wanted to get to the meat of the story, enjoyed that while you were there, and then once you'd gotten to the point you just wanted to grab the loot and go.

Character

Communication
There was a little more variation in dialogue as the differences in named characters became apparent. You also had a little use of posture and touch (nonverbals) that helped the communication feel balanced. Remember with facial expressions, though: show, don't tell.

Action
If Tunnels was "cartoony," Gentle Breeze's combative action went more like an anime. Lots of flying and gore, getting beaten to a pulp and coming back to curb stomp your opponents. Really, though, I felt the scenes with the "mother" had more impact on both the story and on Talen. Killed a bandit camp? Whatever. Questioning who he is and where he comes from? That is poignant.

Persona
You did some telling here where you could have shown, but Talen achieved a new layer of depth and vulnerability here that was refreshing. It was also refreshing to see some NPCs become more than mere background cut-outs.

Prose

Mechanics
I'll say it again: proof read. You made a lot of little mistakes that one careful read-through would have solved.

Clarity
No problems here.

Technique
No real use of language-based techniques, but I appreciated the way you used tension and surrealism. Those were effective.

Wildcard
I rather liked this one. I think enslaving Ana, more or less, was a dick move, but I'm interested in seeing what happens to her.

[Hysteria]

Thanks for the feedback. I jumpped into this thread rather quickly, then made the mistake of stopping writing it for a week. When I tried to get back into it I ended up cutting a chunk of the story out. I think that was a mistake, as the section was going to be Talen fighting one of the brothers and dying again but realising what the serpent's eyes were (and I hadn't settled on what they were at this stage).

I'm encouraged by both your comments on Talen's persona. I've always struggled getting him across to the reader because he's so cold. I found that throwing him against things he can't beat with brute force brings out his character a lot more than just dominating the challange. That is also a bit of a struggle with his abilities being so high.

Again, thanks for the feedback and comments, they were really useful!

[Philomel]

Two more days to submit commentary here guys! A short piece of commentary will get you easy EXP!

[Philomel]

This thread is being extended a couple of days before closure, as offered/requested.

[Philomel]

Okay, I am going to close this thread and calculate the rewards.

Workshop for A Gentle Breeze and a Falling Stone (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28544-Workshop-A-Gentle-Breeze-and-a-Falling-Stone)

Rewards as follows:

Flames of Hyperion (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8570-Flames-of-Hyperion) receives:
1105 EXP
35 GP

Alydia Ettermire (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8606-Alydia-Ettermire) receives:
680 EXP
35 GP

In compensation for the mistake originally, and the messing around, Flames of Hyperion and Alydia Ettermire are to be given 100 GP each from Philomel (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17225-Philomel)'s account. Permission from self

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!