Kill Your God

[Tobias Stalt]

Closed to 'Silence' Sei Orlouge.

As a special condition made by Cal prior to accepting this challenge, win or lose, he will receive all of my gold.

Sobbing in the streets, the people of Radasanth remembered their dead. The Citadel rarely immortalized moments that it had seen itself; the monks preferred to keep their illusions far from home and further from the hearts of those demoralized by tragedy. Today, the Eve of Mourning, they venerated an event that lived between happiness and sadness.

In Corone, the Week of Passing began with one day spent remembering the dead. Families spent their daylight hours at fast, and toiled in prayers of safe passage and comfort in the afterlife. At twilight, they would break that fast and drink long into the night, both to drown the sadness of the day, and to celebrate the lives of those lost. The remainder of the week devoted hours to visiting gravesites, voyaging to battlefields long forgotten, and keeping the warm memories of beloved lost alive.

This very special Eve of Mourning began with a most curious event. Those onlookers who trespassed on ceremony and broke free of prayer to watch a battle would receive a very special gift.

Sei Orlouge, the Hero of Radasanth. He walked streets where blood had dripped from his blades in brutal battle. Freedom for all of Corone had ridden on his shoulders, and from beneath that weight, wings had spanned out in triumph. At the very sight of him, the crowd cheered, their sorrows forgotten in a heated moment.

His opponent was a mere shadow of that glory.

Footsteps unmarked by applause or approval took Tobias toward a man who's very legend shook the world of Althanas. The crowd ignored him in favor of their champion, and that was fine. It was not abnormal for a man swathed in the blacks of the Ethereal Sway to go unseen, even hated among the people. Especially beyond the grasp of Salvar's eternal winter.

Raucous hollers and whistles drowned his thoughts as Tobias scaled the platform toward the most daunting man in all the land. That suited Stalt just fine. Thoughts would only get in the way if he had them now. Most men didn't fight battles like this. Most men left 'Silence' Sei to legend.

Tobias would not be remembered in the annals of history as "most men."

"Well," he called out toward the living legend in a deep yet distant voice. The crowd saw his lips move, and their appreciation faltered just long enough for his voice to carry.

"Shall we get started?"

[Silence Sei]

His clothes were all black today, far from the whiteness of his usual strategist robes. His posture carried with it the hopes and aspirations of all of Corone. The sea of black clothing that surrounded both he and his opponent was a reflection on just how much this day meant to the people. To the Church of Ethereal Sway, such a celebration was a joke; death was a release, a chance to be with their forsaken God. To the people of Corone, who knew many a day of mourning for years and years, such an event deserved to be placed on a grand stage and shown about. It was their way of telling deceased loved ones ‘we still remember you’.

This year, Sei was not just a figurehead in the celebration, he had suffered a deep loss himself.

He closed his eyes as he thought back to hours before, where he told his three daughters that he did not wish for their presence in this matter. The trio of girls protested at first, but Anita, now eldest and thus the primary heir to Castle Ixia, soon became the voice of reason that calmed her sisters down and brought them to their senses. He could not allow them to be with him today, not for this spectacle, it cut far too close to home.

He met with the golden eyes of Tobias Stalt, a man he saved from the very precipice of death, a man he accepted in the Ixian fold as one of its own. Now, he stood before him, dressed in the garments of Salvar’s church, with an open challenge to the man who struggled so hard to free him from the darkness that once again consumed him.

“Oh Tobias...” Sei’s pity for his opponent was apparent, but not because he had the misfortune of fighting a legend, “What have they done to you?”

He would not give his opponent time for an answer as the Mystic shot towards the man with a righteous fury. The congregation gasped at the speed of the mute as he withdrew his twin swords and careened towards Tobias. Thunder could be heard in the distance, a surefire sign of things soon to come. Sei lifted his blades high into the air, and sought to deliver the butts of the weapons straight into Tobias’ temples.

[Tobias Stalt]

Every second was filled with purpose. Tobias had no time to appreciate the skill of his opponent before he was forced to answer it in kind. Two long, mithril knives slid deftly into his hands as Sei shot forward, and the four blades crashed into each other with a harsh outcry. "It will take more than that," Tobias hissed through clenched teeth.

For less than a heartbeat, their blades remained in a deadlock above their heads. His golden gaze met the soft eyes of Sei for the briefest of seconds, and he saw in them a reflection of his own sorrow. With a grunt of effort, Tobias batted the bold assault away. The sky cracked with forks of angry light, and the firmament grew darker with each passing instant.

As the heavens began to weep on them, the crowd stared on in silence.

The distance between them was negligible. "You're supposed to be a legend," the broken boy seethed as his contempt tore free. "You're supposed to be more than this. I don't want your pity. Give me your blood." Tobias knew it would bring him no solace. No comfort would come from the death of this man, an enemy who was not truly an enemy.

But there was so much pain. Thunder rolled overhead again, this time louder than a dragon's roar. In its mother's arms, a child cried out. Silver steel danced toward the Mystic viciously. Rain caused his robes to stick to his skin, and his hair was now plastered to his forehead. Streaks of water stained his cheeks.

Salvar and the Church were empty idols. They meant less to Tobias than anything in Corone, yet they had molded and twisted him into a profane shadow of what he once was. Sei's gaze mourned the passing of a good man, and for that, Tobias hated it. "I am not yours to judge," Tobias screamed out as his blades sang at blinding speed, "Orlouge!"

Corone was a black pit. Anguish filled the streets, memories bled across cobbles, and prayers rose silently toward the heavens. Before him, the Hero of Radasanth stood in her streets, remembering a lost loved one that weighed heavily on his heart. The kindness that once lived in Stalt wanted to grieve with him, but that man was dead.

Tobias was rage.

[Silence Sei]

He could feel the anger. Tobias possessed so much raw, unfiltered hate. Even his mind seemed to be clouded with thoughts of Sei’s azure blood upon the acolyte’s blade. The rain dropped down like tiny needles and the Mystic could see all the tiny bacteria that swam around in the droplets, just as he could see similar droplets as they flew off the younger warrior’s daggers and straight towards the mute’s jugular. Dagger met with sword and in the flash of lightning, Sei could see the darkness that consumed the one radiant golden eyes of Tobias Stalt.

Sei used the deadlock to push himself backwards. He needed a few moments to regain his composure; if he were to submit himself to the despair of his loss, he would become that which he sought to release his friend from. “You have become a dog of the Ethereal Sway, Tobias. You think I don’t know what you have done? What you have suffered? This is a sacred day to these people! I will not have you corrupt it!”

His own loss weighed heavy on the Mystic’s heart and on his motions. Under normal circumstances, Sei would have been able to just melt his opponent’s eyelids closed with a simple glance and been on his way. The Dragon of Drantrak did not want to use that level of primal rage. He could not let his feelings over Kyla and Tobias alike overtake his better judgment. To do so would only bring more death, more loss. Corone had lost one of its greatest heroes too soon, it could scarce survive with the loss of another.

A form identical to Sei dashed at Tobias from the side, it’s blades at the ready to take the man’s ankles out from under him with a quick swipe. Above the anti-magic warrior, another mirror image of the mute Mystic came down, two steel battle fans at the ready and prepared to seek solace and comfort into the shoulder blades of the man. The original Sei stood in place as he watched his doppelgangers attack in unison. This would not become the bloodbath Tobias Stalt so craved, there would not be another loss in front of the mourning families this day.

Tobias Stalt’s blades would thirst for another day still.

[Tobias Stalt]

The crowd roared with excitement as suddenly two mirror images of 'Silence' Orlouge fell upon the unknown enemy with brutal efficiency. Four blades bit at him like snakes both high and low. He spared a glance toward the calculating Mystic in the heartbeat it took the first clone to close, then his body moved with unexpected haste.

In the half second before every blade would have skewered him, Tobias turned a sideways somersault over the ankle biter's back, which carried him out of harm's way entirely. The narrow gap between his motion and a brutal end would have been terrifying for most men, but Tobias only felt the adrenaline now.

His feet were barely on the ground again before he burst into action. Tobias jerked round at breakneck speed, the Slate now clenched tightly in tandem with Calm. A loud report rocked the crowd as he took fire at close range, intent on a shot square to the lumbar spine of the closest clone. "Magic," Tobias spat viciously.

Without hesitation, the Mage Killer turned toward Sei Orlouge and lined up a shot, this one intended for the Hero of Radasanth's center of mass. "Let's play a game," Tobias hissed.

The gun screamed again.

He felt the agony in his heart, faced with a former friend. Sei had done so much for Tobias, and offered him the world. There were places and things that the Untapped might never have seen, but for the man before him. As the bullet raced the distance toward his unwilling enemy, Stalt buried the conflict beneath his resolve.

~~~~

"They are going to ask you to kill Orlouge."

"What?" I have to ask. It makes no sense; this request seems beyond abnormal. Assassinations are within the paradigm of the Crimson Hand's usual dirty deeds, but Madison would not generally ask for me to take a target so... visible. "Where is this order coming from?"

"Questions, Stalt," comes her firm reply, and I stare at the woman intently. "But unfortunately, that was a good one. It doesn't make sense, but I've seen this before. I've seen all the outcomes, and all of them are horrible."

"So I shouldn't do it, right?" That seems like the logical recourse, but Leona always seems to know something I don't. She's an infuriating woman, really. Her look tells me that my second question is not a good one. However, her sigh tells me that she intends to answer it.

"You have to do it, Tobias," she sounds so resigned. It's awful. I can feel my guts twisting. "If you don't, they'll hang you for a traitor."

"And if I do, Sei Orlouge dies." It sounds sick when I say it. I want no part of this. She has to see that. She knows everything.

"Yes," she states, and with such morose finality. "But... if he does not die, there will be no end to war." My gaze turns slowly to her, and I strain myself to comprehend her words. "Either Sei dies, or you die. The war ends with one of you."

"I... what?"

"You are both lodestones in this conflict, Untapped," she tells me, but she refuses to comment further. I have only the word of a witch to send me to a bitter battle. With one last sigh, I turn my back on Stevvains.

It will likely be the last time I see her.

[Silence Sei]

The rain roared with new vigor as though it promised to wash away all the loss and sorrow from the people. Many of the spectators chose to retreat into their homes now, and only the most adamant of their audience still kept their eyes on the conflict. Those still in the crowd would one day mistake Sei’s doppelgangers for just incredible haste on the Mystic’s part. Stories would get misconstrued and the legend of the Dragon of Drantrak, the Savior of Corone, the Avatar of Alerar, would only increase.

Sei remained stoic as Tobias deftly defied blade and gravity alike, and easily sent a bullet straight towards the back of the orange haired body double. Before the projectile could find its mark, the clone faded into nothingness, the original now beckoned for its return. His opponent did not see the clever ‘dodge’, and renewed his anger towards the mourning Mystic. Another kick from the pistol and a small sliver of steel sped towards the almost statuesque form of Sei Orlouge.

“You are a man Tobias,” Sei spoke as though his life was in no way in danger, “and men do not play games. Men take responsibility for their actions, and do not cower into the bosoms of xenophobes when things grow too troublesome.”

The bullet stopped an inch from Sei’s chest, a single hard heartbeat the difference between air and flesh on lead. The rain began to bog down the strategists robes and grew so cold that the mute could see puffs of air with each steady breath her took, but it did provide one advantage. The lion-like roar of thunder hid well the sound of the shattered glass as it broke all around the tactician and the rain concealed the crystalline defense of Mystic Protection with its own translucent camouflage.

The barrier around the swordsman broke around his form, and dozens of glass fragments shot out from around him. He grew less worried about those that continued to watch their plight; most were men who could afford a nicked piece of skin here or there and the torrential downpour would send the crystals to the ground long before they could find a home in anybody but Tobias Stalt. Sei sheathed his swords and raised his hand up, as if he were the puppeteer that now controlled the strings to his former friend.

“I will not ask again Tobias,” his voice was stern, though the sorrow continued to bleed through in his slumped posture, “Yield now or I will detain you through whatever means necessary. Do not make me do this.”

[Tobias Stalt]

Tobias sneered at the Mystic's words as his glassy weaponry coalesced and spun round wildly. Sei entered some sort of foreboding stance, and the Witch Hunter sighed softly. His gun held no power here, though it gave him a distinct tactical advantage. He refused to simply discard it. His fingers wound tightly around the ornate grip, thoughts actively nulled. If the Sway had taught him anything, it was emptiness.

His mind was devoid, filtered free of anything Sei could probe for. The Mystic could not be allowed to hold back. One of them needed to die here, though Tobias held no delusions that it would be his opponent. For the chance to face Sei Orlogue in single combat- to die by his hand- was a privilege few men chose.

This was the fate he decided on.

"...enough words." The revolver hung idly by his side as the man who had lived many lives slowly slid his shortsword free. Watch."

It hurt. Every inch of his being burned hot as his resolve overcame his inhibitions. What he did now was far gone from anything he had dreamed as a boy.

Even in his worst nightmares, Tobias had not been reduced to this. The pain in his heart wailed, but his finger tightened.

The report screamed in his stead.

The woman stared at him in terror as the bullet ripped through time and space faster than any of them could fathom. Blood welled slowly from the hole in her forehead as smoke billowed up from the maw of Tobias' gun.

"Now." Tobias narrowed his eyes, teeth dug into tongue. "Once more. With feeling."

Hurry up, Orlouge. Be a hero.

The body slumped in a pool of blood in the epicenter of a storm o screams. Tears and wails of anguish tore toward the sky. "MOMMY!!!!!!"

He swallowed. Tobias forced his eyes forward. What's one more? It'll be over, soon...

[Silence Sei]

The scream for one's mother triggered something in the Mystic. His eyes widened at both the murder and Tobias' callous nature towards the act. His hands trembled as he sheathed his swords, his sadness completely erased from his features. Instead, his posture straightened, his eyes narrowed and the lightning did nothing but showcase the sudden demeanor change in the youngest Orlouge brother. He took careful breaths, as though each one could be his last as his brow furrowed and looked at Tobias' gun.

Clear The Slate, Start Again.

The words were written along the side of the weapon's barrel. It was a familiar phrase, one that Sei instantly recalled as the inscription that was upon Kyla Orlouge's purchase from the Auction House a few weeks before she disappeared. Somehow, Tobias Stalt retrieved the weapon of the Mystic's beloved daughter, and rather than see fit to return the pistol to her family, he kept the trinket for himself.

The strategist's eyes squinted at the sight of the gun as droplets of rain seemed to sizzle into puffs of steam between the mute's line of vision and the prevalida weapon. The gun glowed with a purple aura while the steel of the weapon quickly began to turn a bright orange. Sei's eyes remained locked on the weapon as he continued to use his abilities to super heat Tobias instrument of murder. As he did this, his hands went towards the chakrams at his side, the bladed rings quickly thrown both towards Tobias' neck and chest. Behind them, two bladed throwing fans followed at a slower pace.

Even still, as the Mystic performed this deadly combos, a pair of green seaweed began to creep out from the ground a few feet behind the tainted swordsmen.

[Tobias Stalt]

Tobias watched silently as Sei Orlogue changed into a wholly different man. His own expression never changed. The heat on his hand was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and within seconds, intolerable to continue gripping. He held no delusions about how useful it could be now.

The gun clattered to the ground uselessly as Sei's arsenal unloaded toward Tobias. His slight smile crept into view. I thought it would be hard to get him to do it, Tobias reflected, but I suppose I needed to deserve it first.

In a brilliant burst of motion, the Witch Hunter clenched his fist tight in front of him. His body tore forward toward the violent onslaught as beads of crimson trickled between his fingers. His body dipped down with incredible reaction time, scraps of tattered vlince ripped free from his cloak as it billowed behind him.

Most Witch Hunters would utter their litanies of faith to Denebriel, or to one of their accursed Spirit deities as they envoked the twisted tools of the trade. Tobias' only mantra was the true fuel for their power.

Pain racked his being as he opened himself to it. A conduit for the suffering of others, Tobias ripped forward toward his now willing enemy.

Torn flesh revealed itself as the cloak was pilfered by Sei's plethora of weapons, and Tobias shrugged it away. It wouldn't save him. I have to sell him on it, he reminded himself. I can't stop now. I'm... sorry, Sei...

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

The dark edge of Blackheart sliced clean through the air as the fleet footed foot soldier found his opponent.

[Silence Sei]

He took some of the Mystic's mightiest blows and still charged the leader of the Ixian Knights. He showed no remorse for the cold blooded murder of a civilizn just seconds before. He even came towards the Mystic with a hunger for more pain, both delivered and received. Tobias Stalt was truly an enemy to be feared and an ally to be revered. Sei Orlouge would expect no less from one who survived the Church of Ethereal Sway.

The menace to magic charged with a sword swing as blood flew from his body in visceral sort of rain. There was a kind of apathy in the eyes of his opponent as he readied his sword. The attack was of a man who knew his fate, rather than one of a desperate warrior attempting a final blow. Normally, Sei would be compassionate, and ensure that he still left the stoic sentinel alive when all was said and done. The child that was below them, crying for his mother, would not wish for mercy at the moment. If the youngest Orlouge did not finish this here and now, the child would grow up bent on revenge.

One life for another. It was the only way.

Sei raised his left fist and the ring on his finger glowed with a golden light. Without hesitation, the Mystic threw a punch towards his opponent as the jewelry became a three foot emei piercer (which moreso resembled a shortened javelin, given the length). The weapon pierced the right eye of his foe, who seemed to be unmoved and continued his charged. Sei's eyes grew wide as the weapon exploded out of the back of Tobias' head. Brains, blood, and a bit of skull blew out the freshly opened wound as the man continued forward. Tobias soldiered on, his face just inches from Sei's hand before the former's body went slump on the weapon. Sei stood frozen before the corpse of Tobias as the piercer retracted back into the ring and the inquisitor fell lifelessly to the ground.

Sei closed his eyes and looked down. "I am sorry Tobias," he said as tears became camoflauged in the storm around them, "it was the only way to mete out justice. I wish this could have gone a different way...."

He turned to the group around the despair wrought child. She still sobbed over the body of her mother, upon her knees and hands upon the corpse as if she thought she would be able to revive her parent. The Mystic approached the group quickly, his hand upon the shoulder of the daughter as he continued to look downwards. "We will give her the proper arrangements. It's over now. He won't be able to harm anybody else."

If only he knew that that were true.

[Tobias Stalt]

The black blade clattered lifeless to the arena floor. Ribbons of flesh and shattered skull littered the staging grounds around the epicenter of what had been a short but brutal battle. Tobias' body still hung defiantly upright where Sei had ended his life, a grotesque monument to the wicked and fickle nature of fate.

If there had been last words for the two men to exchange, Tobias would have apologized. The lie that tore apart their friendship ended in his own death, but for all the evil he had done, Tobias could think of no better fate. As the cold wind whispered across his headless, statuesque form, it finally crumbled beneath the burden of existence. Sei Orlouge moved on to grieve with the living, and his friends, on this solemn day.

Tobias would grieve no more.

A lifetime of sins spilled out as crimson. A lake of visceral fluids amassed around his torso, a steady leak from the unclean pierce that had pulverized his head. There had been no time for shock. No pain had come to Tobias, though his final legacy had been one of suffering. Even in his act of vengeance, Sei had been merciful.

If Tobias watched from the heavens, he was now criticizing that kindness. The broken mercenary had lived a lifetime of pain, carried the burden of tragedy, and for all of it, ended mercifully. There were many dissatisfied spirits now, souls who would never have satisfaction.

Beneath the gray, weeping sky, a lone child stood. She stared softly, sadly down at the remains of Tobias Stalt. When she could stand no more, she fell to her knees, and the sky cried with her. "Tobi," she sobbed, and she nestled into his still chest. The stench of death had not set in and the blood did nothing to deter her.

"You were a good man," she stated, bewildered. "Why did you do this?"

"Because," a soft, sad voice echoed behind her, "he could not bring himself to kill Sei. He decided that if one of them had to die, it would be him." The small girl, no older than twelve, looked up at the woman standing over her, a parasol to abate the storm. "Come child, and let me tell you of Tobias Stalt. My Hanged Man."

The girl tilted her head in genuine confusion. "Your what?" she inquired.

"Questions, child," the Seeress chided softly, "will all be answered in time. What is your name?"

"Lora," the girl answered as she took Leona's offered hand. They began to walk slowly away, a long conversation ahead of them.

Tobias rested now, alone at last.

[Lye]

Thread Title: Kill Your God (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28689)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Tobias Stalt vs Silence Sei



Plot: 13 --- 10

Story- 5/10---3/10
In battles, story is commonly the weakest area. In this thread, both participants took a vague stab at backstory and purpose. Ultimately, Tobias prefaced his reason to be in Corone stronger than Silence Sei. Tobias was sent on a mission from an enigmatic character known as Leona. While not much was told about her, it is easy to glean that she is his superior and knows far more than she eludes. The mystery of having to kill this infamous man and his tie to him as some form of paramount figure adds reader intrigue. While this was all done in flashbacks, the arrangement of them created a jarring read. That first flashback would have suited its purpose better at the beginning or somewhere in or after that first post. Having it occur in the midst of the action, killed the suspense. While such a flashback may have worked in a film, it has a weaker impact in writing.

Sei Orlouge's reason for being in Corone is less clear. At one point, a deep loss is mentioned as well as his desire to not involve his three daughters. It is unclear if he wanted to avoid them seeing the impending fight or if he wanted them to avoid seeing the holiday of mourning. Either way, his reason for being present seems to be for support of the people. Aside from that, Sei strays away from backstory and focuses more on action. He showed up for the holiday, received a challenge from Tobias, killed him to atone for his recent crime, and consoled a child. Although these events could have had more impact and purpose, Sei's reactions made them feel detached. The mystic shows slight sorrow and compassion, then switches to a strange, hesitant form of anger/revenge. Sei's posts lacked an emphasis on emotion and made it difficult to empathize with him. Why was he there? Why did he permit his attacker so much time? If he could speak a whole sentence between the firing of a gun and impact, why couldn't he save the mother? When writing such a short scene, it is important to emphasize key identifiers such as: what, when, who, where, why, and how?

In summary, this battle read as a sorrowful story where one man must decided to kill or be killed with the implication that the world is at stake. The two faced off with a mention of Tobias taking a much darker path and concluded far too early to really pique the interest of the reader. Story was present, but lacked depth.

Setting- 5/10---4/10
Setting had strong and weak elements on both sides. It opens with a vivid description of people in absolute grievance. Everyone is wearing black, the sky is dark, rain begins to fall - all of this is trademark of a bad day wrought with sorrow. Aside from that, there is a vague understanding that the story takes place in the streets of Radasanth, The Capitol of Corone. This public conflict goes unimpeded by city guard, and a portion of that can be disregarded when Sei elaborates on how he is an important figure. Thusly, it can be assumed that any guards present simply, let the "champion" handle it. Moving past this, both players reference the crowd at pleasant intervals which keep that setting element strong in the mind. In regards to the rain, it was mentioned in excess. At one point, Sei Orlouge mentions he can see the bacteria in the droplets (post 4). While that may be some allusion to an ability, its purpose was unclear and jarring to the flow of the battle. Again, that element seemed like an event meant for a motion picture than a written story.

Past the running theme of people, rain, and dark skies, both players lack detailing much else. The first post indicates this happened on a street but visually, it reads like they fought in an opening surrounded by onlookers. In the post where Tobias shot the woman, no one dodged out of the way and the reader is shown there are no obstacles between this fight and the people. With that element, there is also little mention to what happens when projectiles go astray. Sei did mention a glass attack ability and alluded to the effect it would have on the onlookers, but didn't seem to have much of an impact afterward.

Since Tobias wrote the first post and set the scene, his usage of setting comes off strong right out of the gate. He continues this strength when he utilizes killing an onlooker to affect Sei psychologically.

Sei, on the other had, mentioned the rain in excess detail and though he mentions the impact his actions have on the crowd, he ignores the collateral after the fact.

Both writers could have benefitted from a touch more realism. It read as though one man stood on one side and the other on the opposite, like a gun duel. Environmental cues like people watching through windows, or children peeking behind barrels, would have added more elements to the story. There is a basic premise of location and environment, but lacks the small nuances to give it more life than a backdrop to do battle in.

Pacing- 3/10---3/10
Overall, the conflict was far too short. A lot of the setting and leading story alluded to a massive conflict. On one side, a man with a mission, on the other side, a legend and hero. When these two clash, there is a brief exchange of vague references to the past, cliché dialogue, and quickly leads to death. Sei sustains no physical damage and suffers a minor psychological blow. Tobias also suffers limited damage until he executes a Hail Mary assault. In this, he suffers cuts, his cloak gets shredded and in mid swing, Sei puts a magical ring attack through his skull. The fight is choppy at best and reads similar to a turn based game.

Tobias also juxtaposes paragraphs of imagery in a jarring order. In post three, he builds the tension up to a defiant shout and sudden attack with twin blades. Then, right after he bursts forward, Tobias writes another paragraph of imagery in regard to the setting. This throws the reader right out of all that well built tension and destroys the mood. If that paragraph was fitted prior to that assault, it would have had the opposite effect and built the tension versus hindering it. This happens again in post 5, after he fires the gun.

Sei has a much more consistent flow to the battle. This is jarred by the seemingly random excess details such as the rain bacteria mentioned above, and reiterations of prior events. For example, post 8, Sei starts with the redundant statement of, "He took some of the Mystic's mightiest blows and still charged the leader of the Ixian Knights." This kind of sentence is like a skip in the song. Sometimes, it is good to remind the reader of past events, but given the short length of the conflict and the limited actions/damage taken, it is unnecessary and jars the flow. Aside from some peppered redundancies, run on sentences and grammar hindered the read.



Character: 10 --- 11

Communication- 3/10---5/10
In comparison, Sei's dialogue was stronger than Tobias's. Unfortunately, some of the phrases chosen by Tobias seemed force, cliché, or out of place. "Shall we get started?" in the first post comes off abrupt. It implies that Sei and Tobias have met in a silent standoff and instantly realized they must do battle. Therefore, the sea of people parted and the story began. If lead with some previous dialogue or details on body language as the bumped into one another, that phrase may have fit. Without it, there is little impact to the phrase. This later continues in post five where Tobias mutters "Magic". Something about the location of this dialogue and the "spat viciously" afterwards detracts from the intent of the dialogue which was: he mumbled "magic" in a testament to his natural disdain toward it. Instead, it seemed like he stated the word and that was it. The impact of this may have been better if muttered just prior to taking action or just as Sei summoned his clones. Another poor example of word choice was "Let's play a game". Tobias did not read as someone who played games nor scheming enough to consider this exchange a game. The impact of the statement would have been stronger if opted for something like, "You value the lives of these people, right?" Then, pulled the trigger and shot the spectating mother.

In the flashbacks, however, the exchange between Leona and Tobias was much more fluid and appropriate.

On the other hand, Sei's dialogue fit his character. His words carried an air of nobility, resolve, and command. While some phrases seemed awkward in a life and death battle, it did help to emphasis Sei's character as if he were "beyond this". In the end, Sei shows compassion in his words which makes sense for previous actions. Even though the speech fit, the actions afterward didn't synchronize with the words. Now, if Sei had laid Tobias' corpse down and covered his face with something out of respect before tending to the child, that compassion would have been so much stronger. Beside the generally well used dialogue, there was one sentence that stopped time with its power, literally. Post six, Sei manages to squeak off a whole 31 words in two whole sentences in the time it took from Tobias' bullet to reach his bullet-stopping shield. This jarred the action horribly and ruined any sense of impact that from the statement.

Both writers needed to analyze the position of their words in regards to the action.

Action-3/10---1/10
Confusing. That word describes some of the scenes played out between characters. During some of the more brutal assaults, both players "stopped time" to elaborate some manner of thought, implied feeling, or inappropriately timed detail. The story read more like an action script for a movie than the intended written scene. Just as things began to heat up, they sizzled down due to some phrase or statement. Creating breaks in combat is necessary in written conflicts because it gives the reader an opportunity to know what each combatant is thinking. In this fight, however, these moments were juxtaposed over important actions and more than once.

Also, in post 7 Tobias mentions the shattered glass ability that Sei used with "his glassy weaponry coalesced and spun round wildly". Afterwards, it became completely forgotten. As written by Sei, this glass aura exploded outward with the brunt of the blow aimed at Tobias. Now, some leeway can be imagined since Sei also stated the shards which went astray would be weighed down by the rain. Either way, the glass attack/defense was largely ignored by both parties and seemed to only serve the purpose of stopping a bullet. That being stated, according to the level 19 update of Silence Sei, the strength of said shield is unclear. It states "This spell can be cast*4*times. It surrounds the user with a shield of clear glass, which shatters upon a decent blow with it's opponent." A bullet is far more than "a decent blow" and realistically would have carried some manner of collateral damage to the caster. While it may have been used in a similar capacity prior, current written word doesn't realistically permit blocking such an attack. His ability to launch 3-4 attacks within seconds (throwing chakrum, then grabbing and throwing fans, then summoning seaweed) also counteracts what he can do per his level 19 character sheet. This only makes sense if Evenflow was used, matching Tobias' ability to launch six attacks in the span of one. If so, said ability states it takes one entire post to complete. If this activation occurred, it was vague, poorly worded, and did not accurately set up the character for such actions.

In summary, a lot of high fantasy moves were used in this battle, hardly any damage was dealt, and emphasis of each character's powers were lost in the confusion. Since both parties showed neglect of the other's actions penalties will be applied. Sei will lose an additional point for vague powergaming.

Persona- 4/10---5/10
Quite possibly the focus of the story. Both Tobias and Sei clashed heads. Aside from the out of character dialogue for Tobias, his stoic and ruthless demeanor prevailed. Both characters had the fundamentals of their personality present but lost their impact by the errors mentioned above in pacing, action, and communication. Without those weighing down on persona, this could have been the strongest category. As stated before, Tobias violated the norm more than Sei in regards to communication.



Prose: 14 --- 12

Mechanics- 6/10---4/10
For the sake of saving time, please contact me for specific references of errors.

Overall, Tobias exibited a strong understanding of the English language, grammar, and punctuation. Some errors in comma usage and a missed apostrophe or two were readily apparent. Passive voice was peppered here and their, first showing up in post 3. Only one noticeable misspelling: "storm o screams" in post 7. Also in post 7, a quotation mark was missed.

Sei, on the other hand, had run-ons in every post except for post 8. Errors in comma usage were in every post, and an instance of "it's" replaced "its" occurred in post 4. Sei also has occurances when similar words/phrases are used in close proximity. Post 4 has the word "tiny" in same sentence which also happens to be a run-on. In post 8 "this" was used instead of "these" and in post 10, "upon" is used in close proximity.

This thread showed a lack of editing and revision on both parties. For Tobias, the usage of imagery at appropriate times and for Sei, general grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

Clarity- 3/10---4/10
Due to errors in pacing and mechanics, clarity suffered. In the opening, the setting wasn't clearly established and again clarity suffered in post 7 when Tobias was in some form of emotional/physical pain. While Sei remained mostly transparent in his actions, related issues harmed the translation of the writing. Such as the misuse of abilities and neglected effect said abilities had. Please refer to those sections for commentary.

Overall, the thread read choppy with some parts difficult to navigate without a second or third read.

Technique- 5/10---4/10
Tobias exhibited a stronger use of imagery, personification, and alliteration. The final post uses a few of these, "black blade", "brutal battle", "shattered skull". While these may not have been intentional, similar occurrences appear in earlier posts. Imagery was commonly used to limited effect, failing to match the pacing in order to add more purple prose to the writing.

Sei's posts were direct with no apparent theme or repeated techniques. Overall, the writing came across plain, but managed to depict what was intended to be shown. There existed several occurrences of name dropping various titles, and while this was seen as a testament to his legend, it added confusion to the reader. Post six managed to name drop three in rapid succession and in an attempt to emphasis the legend of his speed. While using titles can be considered a technique to emphasis character importance, it was forced and awkward.



Wildcard: 6 --- 5

Well gentlemen, I would be gentle, but I feel you two have tough skin. This was not even on par with your general average writing. I had such high hopes for an amazing battle between the anti-mage and the most powerful man on Althanas. Instead, I got a half attempt at a flat battle with so many abilities thrown in, no one know what was going on but the person writing it. I will, however, give some extra points to Tobias because I found the emphasis he put on the holiday interesting. I admit that I am not aware if that is canon, but it adds flavor to the thread which bleeds into setting.

Overall, I think you two needed to slow down, communicate, talk about who would take what hits, and re-read your posts. I can almost tell that you two would read your opponent's posts and scheme when one or the other neglected an action or went over the top. For example, Sei's X amount of attacks in a short span of time, and Tobias' neglect of Mystic Protection/seaweed and assuming the doppelgangers were a one and done deal. I wanted more, and though I know Sei is super strong, this could have panned out so much better.

Cal, you may want to revisit your character sheet. Evenflow seems like an excuse to add a whole stat block to your existing list of abilities and your Mystic Protection could use some elaboration to what it can/cannot stop. "Decent blow" is hardly that powerful.

Anyway, I expect a rematch at one point. (Hoping, of course, Tobes isn't still missing half his skull).



Final Score: 43---38

Tobias Stalt (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17202) Wins!:


4,988 EXP!
0 GP!

Congratulations!


Silence Sei (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?30) Receives:


1,575 EXP!
104 GP!


Per the agreement above, Sei gets Tobias' GP of 52 plus his own (half the winner's GP, 52).

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!