Red Carpet Rampage

[Tankita Bananas]

“Hi I’m Liam Seaherald and welcome to the fifteenth annual Althanas Appreciation Awards, brought to you by Nova Cane! When you’re having problems with those pesky orcs attempting to rape your daughters, use Nova Cane! It looks like a cane,. But hits like a Nova!” The bleach blonde elf held up a mace that had the word ‘NOVA’ inscribed upon it in big, capitalized letters into the wood, and ‘CANE’ in the same format on the ball of the mace itself. He wore a fine black suit, and held a tiny stick and spoke into it as part of the broadcast. The magic of Raiaera allowed for the ceremony to be transmitted to all areas of Althanas, and there was not a body of water that didn’t glow with the pristine white teeth of the AAA host on this night.

“That’s right, Liam! Hi folks, Karlsson Drowry here, and I’m here to tell you that Nova Cane is not only good for orcs, but animals and humans too. Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a HOLY SHIT THERE’S A MACE COMING FOR MY HE— Nova Cane.” The crew cut black haired co-host of the awards wore a matching suit and similar glowy stick. As they spoke, people of prestiege made their way down the crimson colored carpet that lead towards the two doors where the festivities were to take place.

The AAA was a hallmark of Corone in recent years, able to please the most unhappy elf with their bad jokes and snub face of Leon Evolvio, who never seemed to even get awarded for his incredible work in the field of magic, but was also never nominated. It had more to do with the fact that Leon was not the outgoing type of person, able to befriend a bunch of folks to jump the votes in his favor. Lion being human in an award ceremony that tended to be very elf exclusive did not help matters much either. This year would be different, however. This year, Lion would get his Preciey (the official dumb name of the golden statue awarded to winners) thanks to his brilliant plan.

He had hired a tank.

The velvet seats filled with regally dressed elven people, all in flowing gowns or perfectly pressed suits. The entire audience had a hushed demeanor about them as they prepared for the start of the ceremony. Lion merely smiled to himself and looked around for his ally in this endeavor. He sat in the third row turning his head to and fro in order to lock on to where the tank had ‘told’ him it would be. He had doubts that such a massive instrument could find its way to the balcony of the Corone Imperial Opera House, but he did not question the machine with a big gun for a face.

When he locked eyes on his contact, his pupils seemed to dialate in awe of the disguise the machine had chosen. Sitting on a balcony, with dozens of crushed chairs below it, sat Tankita Bananas, a black mustache painted upon the front of her and a top hat over her hatch. She hoped somebody would notice the monocle that dangled lazily over her muzzle, but perhaps that would be a bit much to wish for.

“How the hell did she even get in here,” Leon wondered, “let alone on the balcony….and is that a monocle?”

[Tankita Bananas]

The people sat around the incognito tank as though it were not a one ton death machine prepared to send their dirty elven lives to the netherworld for the sin of being born. You see, Tankita Bananas was a religious zealot, believing her existence was brought to be by a merciful God that wished to see humans remain dominant for years to come. Humans had always been nice to Tankita even when she was not sentient and telepathic. They gave her nice baths and admired her craftsmanship day in and out. Elves on the other hand saw her as an abomination, an affront to everything their tree hugging people stood for and often fought for the right to see her dismantled.

The bright lights started to dim and Leon looked back to the stage, his posture straight as the crowd around him began to clap for the hosts of the actual award shows. A red haired elf with more piercings than a body uppercut onto a floor of spikes stood beside a short elf with large feet, and chest hair that threatened to burst out of his cumberbund.

“I’m Cathy Griffindor,” the lady spoke, a faux smile painted upon her features. She probably wished she was doing something better than hosting the AAAs, like hanging herself.

“And I’m Denny Invito,” the strangely short male elf said as some stage hands brought a high chair towards the stand where another glowing stick was meticulously placed upon the surface of the furniture, “Welcome to the fifteenth annual Althanas Appreciation Awards, brought you by Nova Cane. Got a toothache? One good wallop from Nova Cane will cure what ails ya! Nova Cane, just swing the damn thing!”

“How much did Nova Cane pay you for that crappy endorsement, Denny?” Cathy asked, her hands upon her hip like a mother scolding a child. The well-to-dos of the crowd laughed at the joking jab the co-host made at the expense of her short companion, “Probably still not enough to make people not mistake you for a dwarf, I bet!”

“…I slept with your sister,” Denny whispered beneath his breath and the sound of tapping cards upon the counter, “ANYWAYS! Let’s get on with the ceremony, shall we? Over the years, the AAA has recognized a great many person for different categories. This is one of the minor ones to whet your appetite until we get to the one we all actually care about! The nominees for best Newcomer are…”

As the two began to take turns naming each of the contestants for the prize, Leon looked to the balcony once more. Tankita stood in perfect prose, her canon aimed perfectly at the couple that stood on the stage. Her employer shook his head and threw his arms in opposite directions to tell her the time was not yet for the unparalleled destruction.

“I understand” Tankita said as she moved her muzzle up and down in a sort of nod fashion. Leon sighed and turned back around just in time to see Nebraska Fanyew accept the award for best newcomer. His heartbeat seemed to be the only sound he could hear as he watched the hairy legged female take to the stage and graciously accept the award.

Nebraska Fanyew was a faun.

[Tankita Bananas]

If Elves were a sign from God to show how much he hated nature, Fauns were proof that he did not love anything. Tankita Bananas hated the goat people more than anything on this planet. How many times had they relieved themselves on her because she was not natural? How many of the sexual beasts dry humped one another right after the humans had given her a shiny new coat? How many of the abominations hated dogs and tanks for no particular reason other than they existed?

Tankita could only see red.

That wasn’t true. Technically she couldn’t ‘see’ anything.

Leon looked on in horror as what was once a small faun child became wood debris, a mist of crimson, and the horrific screams of Cathy Griffindor. A large black hole was created in the center of the stage, where a smoke rose from the crater that was once Nebraska Fanyew . Denny Invito was nowhere to be seen, possibly swallowed up by the maw Tankita created in her racist hate for fauns.

“That overweight gentleman just killed Nebraska Fanyew!” someone beside Tankita shouted loud enough to carry throughout the entire opera house. Every head turned towards the tank, and all of them seemed to see her in the same way, an overweight elf that just shot magic to kill a faun child. Leon rubbed the bridge of his nose as he thought about the PR disaster this was going to cause. He heard of Tankita Bananas hatred for fauns, but never in a million years did he ever think she would murder a child in cold blood.

That girl was thirteen years old Tankita!

“Good, then I saved her the horror of her first period, or as I call it ‘God hates you fauns and you’re all going to bleed out of your va-jay-jays.” The tank turned its muzzle to the left and then to the right, as if it were trying to locate just what everybody was looking at. The silence in the room was deafening as many of the patrons got up from their seats, their eyes filled with tears over what just transpired. Neither Tankita or Leon knew what to expect from what seemed to be a hostile crowd.

Neither of them expected a slow clap to start.

They definetly did not expect said slow clap to result in an uproarious applause.

The whole arena echoed with the sounds of hands being slapped together in what seemed to be honor of Nebraska’s demise. The chatter grew loud, and the machine could hear such phrases as ‘we always hated that self-serving bitch’, ‘you did what none of us had the courage to, sir!’, and ‘Sometimes, I pee the bed.’. She was unsure why so many elves felt the need to share that last one.

Leona sighed with relief as a horror-stricken Cathy Griffindor stood at what remained of the stand, now a smoldering broken pile of wood. Her yellow ball gown was stained with chunks of Nebraska and soot. The crowd began to turn around slowly as if they expected the show to continue. Without a co-host or apparently a thirteen year old faun, Cathy did the only thing she knew how to do. Act, and act terribly.

“Wow, I heard of blowing up over a snub, but that is just plain ridiculous!” she tried to hide the fact that her voice was wavering as she tilted her head and put her hands on her hips once more. She made a grostesque face once she felt the piece of what was probably Nebraska’s brain matter still stuck to her once beautiful dress. The crowd laughed for just the right amount of time as she began once more.

“Next up is the award for most improved spellcaster…”

[Tankita Bananas]

“The nominees are Brain Cranberry, for his work on turning rocks into methamphetamines, Brucie Williamson for his work in infiltrating enemy buildings in his bare feet, and Davey Tennanbaum for traversing time and space to just be here today!” The audience clapped as several small orbs flew over the heads of each nominee to highlight them on the bodies of water people chose to view the AAAs from. Tankita watched patiently as a small boy walked up with an envelope that he quickly gave Kathy. Apparently there was an incident seconds earlier that caused all the winners names to be blows into papery debris that now slowly drifted across the room like a snow. If the snow had once been something solid that got blown up by a tank.

“And the winner is Bru—“ A loud whirling sound came from the balcony, and Kathy looked up. Her body trembled as she placed the envelope on the pile of wood, “I mean Da—“ another whirling sound as Tankita started to take aim.

“Your winner is Brian Cranberry, ladies and gentlemen!” Kathy said proudly, and sighed a bit of relief when Tankita lowered her muzzle down. The audience applauded as if the life of their host had not been threatened twice just to appease a sentient tank. Cranberry stood up, his hair completely gone (he had shaved it after learning he had a Stage 4 Elfcer, which is like an ulcer and cancer…but more elfy-er?). He took a small bow as he walked over to the stage and accepted his award, which depicted an elf with its arms crossed in an x, hands on either side of his crotch as if to tell all humans to suck on it.

“This is a real honor,” Cranberry began as he looked towards the people. “I honestly did not expect myself to win. I mean, full disclosure, I do make drugs and give them to children.” The revelation seemed to have no standing with the crowd, who merely listened on to all the people that Cranberry was thanking in acceptance of the trophy.

You wanted a drug dealer to win an Aprecey?! Leon tried not to break his gaze of Cranberry, but the corners of his mouth and eyebrows twitched at the sheer stupidity of Tankitas choice to win.

“Duh. I want the abominations to break bad. The more of those little hell spawns OD, the easier my job gets. Besides, to an elf, a kid is like, 50 human years.”

I guess that’s tr—

“And it’s much more fun to shoot them when they’re infants anyways. That way they don’t realize the sin they’ve committed by being born!”

You. Are. Sick.

“Now onto Best Judge!”

[Tankita Bananas]

Leon had now realized just what a terrible terrible mistake he had made. Tankita was a sociopath, racist, tank that only seemed to care about the wanton destruction of everything that was not a human. Cold beads of sweat trickled down his face at the idea of being associated with the machine once it was made to pay for its crimes. How could he have been so stupid? And over what? A golden elf he could hang on his shelf and never think about again?

“Now, I know it seems kind of weird that we have an award to give to our committee for the best judge, but YOLO!” The recipient of the Precey for Best Judge, Tones Shabulb said as he raised his arms in victory. He was not greeted with any applause, or even laughter at what many perceived to be the worst joke of the evening.

Yeah. Ok, on second thought, you have my permission to kill that guy.

Tones was blown to bits within seconds of Tankita being given the order, the magical blast that came from her muzzle flew with a righteous fury that slammed into the elf and set his head off the back wall, onto the floor, and rolling straight into what Tankita had now dubbed ‘The Great Nebraska Hole’. Cathy’s legs gave out as she was splattered with the blood of yet another winner, her form desensitized to the sheer level of violence this award ceremony seemed to have. She laid there on the floor, just starring at the crater for a while, as though the horrors she witnessed finally snapped her brain in two.

The little boy came on stage, and poked the woman in the back. She did not move. He tried again for the exact same result. He finally turned to her front and poked her in the eye, which still caused no reaction from Cathy. The boy pulled an enveloped out of the breastpocket of his shirt as he walked to the ever increasing pile of rubble stage hands quickly assembled to try and make some semblance of a stand.

“Next up we have best creature. What kind of thing was created by our people and chosen to be the best? Guess Tones won’t ever find out, huh?”

In that one question, this twelve year old boy got a louder laugh out of his audience than Cathy or Denny ever could. Leon even smiled for a moment, his thoughts about Tankita temporarily vanished. Okay Tankita, please try to be civil and not blow anybody up this time, please? Tankita? Tankita?

Leon turned around to find that the tank had disappeared, a pile of broken chairs in its wake. He was also fairly certain he saw two or three elven corpses now roadkill on the ground of the balcony. Tankita? Where did you go?!

“I had to go use the bathroom, alright? I’ll be back in just a minute!”

…there is so much wrong with what you just said, I don’t know where to begin… Leon took a heavy swallow. At least with Tankita out somewhere relieving herself, it meant that nobody on stage had the potential to be utterly evaporated for now. He could thank his stars for that small blessing at least.

[Tankita Bananas]

The next few minutes went by without so much as a whirring cog. Leona watched with a bit more relief as several more awards were given to people who probably didn’t deserve them, but at least didn’t end in open and applauded homicide. He scratched his head as he wondered what was taking his accomplice so long to get back from the bathroom. This of course was after he gave up trying to figure out the logistics of a tank using the bathroom in the first place.

“Now, for Best Host,” the boy said as he pulled another hastily written on note from his pocket, “the nominees are Bay Chino, Gimmy Gibbels, and Coco O Bro. all three of these men are more than deserving of this award, but unfortunately, it can only go to one. Don’t worry though, I’ve been told by my da---I mean the committee that we won’t have the same situation as last year. Who could forget that?”

Leon certainly could not. That was the year Chino won, gave the award to O Bro, but then took it back later in the show. There was a whole thing where people turned on Chino and O Bro actually wound up getting evicted from the building and not allowed to do any hosting of parties for several months. It was a shame, because Coco O Bro was known for throwing the most fun, outrageous parties in all of Alerar. Now that he was back, the award was a shoo in for O Bro.

The sound of treads crushing bone and chair alike brought a familiar sense of fear back to Leon’s mind. He turned with wavering resolve to see Tankita back in her old position, with several more corpses and deconstructed furniture in her wake. He rubbed his temples and tried not to focus on her, instead turning his attention back towards the ceremony just in time to hear the winners name.

“Coco O Bro!” The audience stood in approval and gave the host the applause he so graciously took. He smiled and did some funny hand gestures. It sent the crowd into fits. Then, Leon heard the sound of Tankita once again charging up her canon.

No! Nononononononononono! Anybody but Coco Tankita! Please!

The cannon fired and within seconds a new crater was formed, right where Bay Chino was sitting not seconds before. The crowd gasped at the newly created hole that dozens of chairs caved into. Coco and Leon both stood in awe as they looked at the smoldering remains of section C4. It was kind of ironic once Leon thought about it. He looked up to Tankita for a brief moment, and was met with the same apathy the tank had become known for.

“What? That guy was an asshole. Team Coco, baby.”

[Tankita Bananas]

The crowd did not applaud this time, as they did with the death of Nebraska Fanyew. Instead, they all stood straight and faced the stage, afraid that at any moment, they would be the next victim on what many saw as a largely overweight but super powerful magician. Leon at this point had no such qualms, and was often turning back and forth to ensure that Tankita was not ready to blow somebody else’s head off.

“My da—“ the boy cursed under his breath for saying the same thing again, “the committee has informed me that we are required to take a small break at this point in the program to talk about Nova Cane. What causes better pain that a good Nova Cane? It flies like a mace and hits like a mace! Nova Cane, for when you absolutely, positively have to get rid of your in-laws!”

Though the last joke hit its mark, at this point the crowd was too afraid to laugh. The power mad ‘wizard’ seemed to be controlling things at this point, and who were they to question their new obese God of Explosions? Her newly acquired hostages now filled the arena with their collective body odor, mostly from the sweat that seemed to fill all their pores now.

The awards began to return to what normalcy they could have at this point, when the doors slowly began to open from the outside. The bright lights blinded the sensitive eyes of the elven people, an effect that was lost on both Tankita and Leon. A lone figure walked through the door, and even brighter than the lights were the bleached blonde highlights of Liam Seaherald’s highlights…

[Tankita Bananas]

Nobody said a word when Liam walked in, confused as to why he suddenly stopped having an influx of both comers and goers into the ceremony. He looked around and quickly paused the second he saw the two large holes in the performance center. His mouth dropped, his ears twitched two and fro like they were antennae. He looked at the audience who had resumed looking straight at the child as he continued to announce nominees and winners.

At this point, Gake Grillandall was giving his thank you speech for accepting Best Supporting Wizard role. His eyes were filled with tears and he nearly dropped his prize several times due to sweaty palms, but it was a truly emotional grandstand. Tankita watched as the man known as Ronnie Blackout amongst some groups continued to praise and thank God for all he had given him in life.

“He is always with us, and I don’t care what anyone has to say, God is here and he is in our hearts, and he will continue to shed his light and love upon us no m—“ a music began to hit, usually a sign that the actors had stayed on stage for too long and needed to hurry up the speech. Such an interrupting racket was quickly silenced by the sound of another explosion, though nobody could see just where the blast had landed.

Seconds later, an elf fell from the rafters, his body a charred crisp, and quickly after the charred corpse came a speaker of sorts that slammed onto the body. Bits of blackened elf remains and crimson fog flew out from the dead creature. Liam Seaherald screamed in an octave that should have been incapable of a male as he witnessed this. Everybody else at this point sat, and allowed Grillandall to continue his God rant.

“Are you people insane?!” Liam shouted, “THERE ARE DEAD PEOPLE IN HERE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!?”

“You know that the first one dead was Nebraska Fanyew, right?” the whisper came from Leon, an attempt to calm the rambling red carpet host. Liam paused for a second and looked to the human.

“That little tramp? The world has become a better place today. You know she had the audacity to claim she looked better in makeup than I did? Why, if I did not have these freshly painted nails…”

“With all due respect Liam,” Leon interrupted, his green eyes shifting between the elf and the tank dozens of feet above them, “I’d sit down if I were you. She doesn’t really like it when you just stand in the aisle.”

All of a sudden, every head in the room turned towards Leon.

“…She?”

[Tankita Bananas]

Her cover had been blown by her closest ally on a goof up. It was like every eye in the room was either upon Leon or Tankita. Something about the little change of gender seemed to cause the elves to develop a backbone. Or maybe it was the fact that Leon knew Tankita was a girl let them know that they finally had some leverage against their mechanical tyrant.

“What do you mean ‘She’, Leon? Do you know something we don’t?” Liam Seaherald finally started earning his title of ‘voice of the people’. It was about time. “Because all I see up there is a really fat man with a mustache a top hat and…” he narrowed his eyes, “Is….is that a monocle?”

“It is. Don’t ask,” Leon replied, hoping that Tankita’s fashion taste threw the crowd off of the trail that lead directly to him. “How about we just enjoy the show and ignore that guy then?”

“Yeah but…” Liam said, “He is straight up murdering people at a public event! We can’t honestly sit idly by and let this continue to happen! Can we?”

“You wanna go up there and try to tell him to stop, be my guest,” Leon shrugged his shoulders, finally accepting the fate he had signed himself up for. Karma was a strange thing.

“You know what? I think I wi---“

BOOM!

“Oh,” the child host winced, “And there goes Liam Seaherald. Coulda prevented that if he had a Nova Cane. Nova Cane, it even stops large men from blowing up your event! Buy one today!”

It was on this day that sales of Nova Cane shot up five hundred percent.

[Tankita Bananas]

“And now we come to the end of the night, ladies and Gentlemen. Mister AAA!” The crowd, now all armed with Nova Canes and prepared to bash Tankita’s faceless face in by the end of the night, raised their weapons and cheered. This was the moment they had all been waiting for. “Our nominees are Elan Rykeman for his tenure as the potions master for the past ten years! Sargeant Sandals for his thirteen flavors and seasons in his delicious deep fried pigeon! And finally, Jimmy Deep for his….well, his name should pretty much tell you what he does, right? I mean, most women want him and most men want to be him. Anywho.”

Leon’s eyes widened as he gripped the edge of his seat. Within seconds he would swipe an award and run before the crowd could slaughter him and his accomplice in the endeavor. He looked back to Tankita to see that the large vehicle still stood its ground, though somehow there was now a lifeless body dangling off of her cannon. Leon opened his mouth as if he wished to say something, but shook it off. It was better not to ask.

He turned to the nameless child as he opened up the envelope, and his eyes lit up as he looked upwards towards his violent master of the evening. “The winner is…Leon Evolvio…”

There was murmurs and confusion amongst the crowd. The good sargaent through down his pigeon frying wand with a ‘well I nevah!’, Rykeman merely continued to torture the boy with a stormcloud scar upon his forehead, and Johnny Deep was his namesake into some broad at the concession stand, too unconcerned with the trinket and more concerned with his sex drive, apparently. Leon stood up, just as shocked as everyone else as he began to approach the stage.

He slowly made his way to the boy and calmly shook his hand and took his elf award, looking at the sea of angry pointy ears that made up his audience. “I…I don’t know what to s—“

Before he could even finish, the award was snatched from him, a large dark elf in sun glasses holding the prize. This was the biggest tool bag of all of Elfdom; Kenya South. “I’m sorry here, Leon, I’mmonna let you finish but Jimmy De—“

There was another explosion and Kenya South found himself all the way south. ‘All the way south’ in this instance meaning ‘the ninth circle of hell’. Flames licked at the wooden flooring right at Leon’s feet, the man’s face splattered with a buckshot of crimson fluids. His award laid on the ground as he leaned down and picked it up. He took a deep breath and continued his speech, looking up towards Tankita with a nod.

Thank you. Your payment is in the alley out back, ion a trash can.

As Leon began his monologue, Tankita made her way out, though nobody actually saw how she made it through the building and into the alleyway without damaging any of the buildings in the process. She could feel her prize as it rattled around the inside of her cockpit. She had fulfilled her duties to a T, allowed Leon’s moment to not be ruined and now, what did she have to show for it?

Nova Cane. She had Nova Cane.

Life could not be better for Tankita Bananas.

((Tankita requests Nova Cane as a spoil. It is a steel, unbreakable mace that feels hurts like a bitch when you get hit by it. Say, when a cannon from a tank shoots it at you.

This thread was brought to you by Nova Cane. Nova Cane, it loosens teeth, friendships, and bowels all at the same time!))

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: Red Carpet Rampage
Judgment Type: Basic Judgement
Participants: Tankita Bananas

Plot: 16/30

Taken at face value, the plot provided little explanation as to why your characters were at the award ceremony to get the trophy. Why was it important? What was the purpose in stealing it? Whilst the story progressed with a narrative, there was no connection to wider events in your own character’s storyline. That’s not to say you need to go into lengthy exposition in each post, but give the reader more of a hook to keep them reading. Play more on the crowd’s feelings towards the characters you so brutally and excellently kill – there’s more ground to explore and to represent the country’s racial complexity.

Character: 19/30

The caricatures of Althanas characters was well done, though perhaps more attention could have been given to the show hosts. You used a passive protagonist (as opposed to centring thoughts and focus on Tankita itself), which worked well to dampen the absurdity of the tank. Flipping narrative can provide passive benefits in comic writing, most noticeably, you focus on the reactions of the other characters to the situation. To develop your sense of progression, consider weathering your protagonist. Dust. Splinters. Perhaps an injury or two to show how the environment is affecting his physical form, not just his mental.

Prose: 14/30

The theatre was described to detail enough to not drown out the comedy. Unfortunately, the unique narrative and parody lost its sheen due to the mechanical errors present in the thread. Typing errors, formatting, homophone confusion, and so forth. Notes can be provided of these upon request, but you stated you wrote this quickly, and to enjoy the character. Pacing can be improved by improving your scene transitions, and by avoiding mid-post narrative switches between protagonists. Or, I guess, in Tankita’s case, antagonist.

Wildcard: 7/10

For a comic thread, which you admit is to let off steam this delivered. I was genuinely laughing in parts, and it’s good to see use of low fantasy setting with a paradox character. I did not think it would be possible to work on Althanas, but you have proven me wrong. I encourage you to attempt to interact with other characters, even if in a more serious manner, and see how Tankita’s journey into the unknown develops.

Final Score: 56/100

Member receives:

820 EXP!
112 GP!


Spoils: Nova Cane. This item will require approval from Realm of Greeting staff. Please link this thread in the appropriate section of your next character profile update.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added... to a tank...