Workshop: An Elf and the Scholar

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: An Elf and the Scholar (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28771-An-Elf-and-the-Scholar-%28Closed-to-Cards_of_Fate%29)
Name of Authors: Ellie and Cards of Fate
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 11 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 03/03/2014

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Alydia Ettermire]

Hi, Cards and Ellie.

This post is going to contain a lot of criticism, and I'll try to not come off as harsh. I'm not putting it in to be mean, I'm putting it in because you're new and I think that you have a lot of things that you don't know. So please keep that in mind. You both have a lot of potential that I'd like to see you develop.

Onto the show.

First of all, you both need to proof read. Cards, you have a lot of typos that turn words like "think" into "thing." Ellie, you tend to put punctuation in weird places or forget it altogether. There were missing quotation marks and periods, and you need to remember that when using quotation marks, commas and periods go on the inside of them, not the outside. A quick proof would take care of a lot of that.

Now for the big thing: culture. This is where I feel like you really need some understanding to help your threads make sense. Elven culture tends to be more elegant and refined than humans, and thus it shapes the people whom it touches. You made Ellie an elf, so when you're writing her, try to feel like an elf to make her feel like an elf. She kind of came off like a fifteen year-old human. (Another veer into characterization: working at the inn is her job, day in and out. Would she really be so excited about another human customer just coming in? I feel like there needed to be more of a reason for that.)

Possibly the biggest cultural thing I have a problem with is the Alerians who popped in for a minor debt collecting job. You set the story in Raiaera. For the last thousand+ years, Raiaera has been a dangerous place for an Alerian to be. There are some who would kill any Alerian invading Raiaera on sight, so it's not very much like a small group of unskilled thugs to traipse openly into a tiny tavern to do a job of no real importance. A "looooooot of money" isn't going to be worth the suicide mission to go fetch it. You have to take into account the deep-seated animosity and distrust. (I play this account in Raiaera frequently, and she's always on edge when dealing with a Raiaeran elf she doesn't know, just for that reason.)

Ellie might well have been taught that people like this are the bogeymen. As young as she is, would she really get her dander up to go tell them off, or is it more realistic for her to hide and tremble? Defensive magic or not, if this team really is badass enough to get that deep into Raiaera and that bold to go into a tavern, isn't it reasonable to assume they won't hesitate to end anyone who stands in their way? The leader is covered in scars; he's got to be tough.

So it doesn't really make sense that Vincent, being admittedly non-combat oriented, was able to pummel them into the ground so easily. Think about what you're setting up, think about how your character would be able to use his or her skills to believably react to it. How do they feel? How do they think? How does their worldview shape them and direct them?

Culture also extends on a more minor scale than international conflicts. The Xilfina Inn has ostensibly been around for a while. There's doubtlessly been trouble there before. Wouldn't the constable know that Ellie is compassionate enough to heal even the troublemakers? (Side note: was not a fan of the stereotypical mustache-twirling pompous airbag of a law enforcer.)

How does the world Ellie grew up in shape her? That's something I'd like you to think about, and incorporate into your writing. It doesn't have to be in the text, but it should affect her in many ways. We're all the products of our upbringing, after all.

[Philomel]

This workshop thread has less than a week to go! Get your comments in quick for some easy EXP!

UPDATE: This thread is being left open until the 10th March. So you have the weekend to work on them if you want some easy EXP!

[Rayleigh]

Hello to you both! Because Aly did a very nice job addressing overarching themes and lore, I am going to focus a bit more on your mechanics. I do have many suggestions for you, but please do not be disheartened; there was a clear story here, and it was relatively easy to follow. Neither one of you should be at all discouraged by what I have to say. Hopefully, it will inspire and motivate you instead!

To make things easier for all of us, I've broken things down by post. I did not write down every single error, and instead selected a few that I felt would benefit you both the most. There are many reoccurring suggestions that I could list for every single post, but to save time and space, I'll simply note that they are thread-wide.

Post One:
This was a nice way to introduce the reader to both Ellie's background, and her day-to-day duties. However, as introductions do have a tendency to do, it read a bit like a list; Ellie woke up, Ellie did this, Ellie did that. A really great way to break up that monotony is to really describe what is happening. Show the reader the light shining through the open window. Let them smell the freshly mowed grass wafting through, or the stink of cigar smoke lingering from the day before. Describe the creak of the wooden floorboards underfoot as Ellie goes to wake her dad, or the way he snores until she finally brings him back to consciousness. A great way to remember this is the "show, don't tell" rule. Don't tell the reader what is happening. Use enough description so that he or she can experience it with your character.

A few mechanical things here. First, you changed tenses at the start of your post. I figured it was meant to be a technique to describe the every-day events, but it was used inconsistently, and threw me off a bit. There is nothing wrong with saying "the day started off as it normally does," and then using your basic past tense to describe what Ellie did. There were also a few instances where your sentences were a bit wordy. For example:


She woke her father gently, pushing him a tad to wake him

You really did not need to include the last "to wake him" bit, as you had already established what her intentions were. Often, you'll find that these rambling, run-on sentences have a lot of unnecessary, repetitive information. See what you can trim out! Finally, I thought this bit was a bit awkward:


Ellie smiled more at the thought.

What does it mean to smile more? Does her smile grow? Does she continue to smile? "Smile more" is a strange phrase to me. Might be better to just describe how her smile changed, than to write that she smiled more. This may be personal preference, but as a reader, I was really stuck on this bit.

Post Two:
Also a nice way to introduce Vince. But right away, I see some punctuation issues. You seem to have a bit of trouble with your commas, which isn't uncommon, so don't be discouraged! My advice is to read your post aloud, and if you naturally take a break somewhere, put a comma there. Commas are an easy way to remind the readers to come up for air, and if you don't provide one, we'll get bogged down very quickly! There are times where you used them, but didn't need to (first sentence, when you should have used a period), and times when you didn't use them, but you should have (first sentence of paragraph four).

I also felt that your post was a bit repetitive. Here, you told the reader that Vince sighed twice, which wasn't really necessary:


After several gulps he set the drink down and sighed. “Hrogma’s balls it’s cold…” he sighed

I love how you incorporated Tobi there, and the comparison that you drew between the two of them. But little things like unnecessary repetition can distract the reader from all of the awesome things that you're doing. A great way to avoid this is to read your post to yourself (getting tired of hearing that, aren't ya?).

Still, I thought that this was a nice post. I liked the way you brought in Vincent's past, and his interactions with other Tarot members.

Post Three:
I am impressed that you're already doing a bit of bunnying with Vincent! I know how difficult it is to let someone else write your character, or to write someone else's, so kudos to you.

One thing to think about is your use of the phrase "seemed to." In the right place, this phrase can be great, because it lets the reader know that something may not be what it appears. However, you use it quite a bit, and in unnecessary places. Instead of saying Vincent "seemed to" be sulking, describe what it was that he was doing. Avoid saying that things "seemed to" calm down, and instead use specifics to explain the change in the atmosphere of the inn. I know it sounds nit-picky, but I was hung up on it! Description will also help you avoid sounding a bit list-like, which I saw in this post as well.

Another thing that can trip up a reader is the phrase "she said," and all of its variations (cried, chided, questioned, yelled, etc.). If you use it after every single quote, it can actually bog the reader down. Once you have established who the speaker is, you don't really need to say "she said" again unless a) their tone changes, b) their audience changes, or c) the speaker changes. You write:


"Hooray, a pleasure to meet you Vince!” she said smiling wide. The elf was a bit proud of her self for making another acquaintance. “I’ll be sure to make sure you’re taken care of alright?” she chimed leaning over the bar and grabbing the tankard of Ale that had poured Vincent’s first drink.

Just remove the bolded bit, and make the small changes to the rest of your sentence. It will help with your flow!

Finally, you had some missing punctuation. Be sure to read your work aloud, and proof-read before you submit your thread for judgement! This was an issue that I saw through-out most of the thread.

Post Four:
Hey goofball, check your spelling. I laughed a little harder at "asses" than I should of. Are you sure Vincent assed them? Or did you mean that he assessed them? Did I know what you meant? Yes. But I'm still going to pick on you. You're a better writer than that.

You're also guilty of using the phrase "seemed to." Did she "seem to" check on him, or did she actually do so? Just tell us what she did! Refer to the advice I gave Ellie above.

I've already suggested that you stop using "he said" after every quote. You can read what I wrote for Ellie as a refresher, but it is nothing that I haven't told you before. Things to think about when you start your next thread!

So this is personal preference, but I hate ellipses (...). Ellipses mean so many things to so many people. Did his voice trail because he was distracted? Because he was confused? Because he was nervous? Because he was waiting for someone to interrupt him? Just tell us that! And if you're going to take the time to write "his voice trailed," you don't need ellipses. To me, they're just unnecessary, and they come across as unpolished. But not everyone will agree with me on this one!

Post Five:
You did a nice job of introducing your bad guy in this thread. His dialogue presented him a sarcastic little sleeze-ball, which is awesome. Well done.

Again, I saw some incorrect comma use in this post. Refer back to the advice that I gave Cards in his second post.

You had a really funky sentence in this post. You write:


The, what seemed to be, leader of the group chuckled and stood up looking down at the girl.

First, you use the phrase "seemed to" again! Second, this is a bit clunky when you read it. I think you would have been better off describing this man, then telling us that he stood up and looked down at Ellie. Why does he appear to be the leader? Is he the biggest? Do the other men follow him? Does he have the biggest mohawk? Let us know!

Post Six:
Spelling, Mr. Fred! "You're whore mother."

A bit more unnecessary repetition here. You say that Vincent is charging, and then you say "dashing toward them" a sentence or two later. You already established that he was charging, so you did not need to tell us once more. Again, read your post to yourself. That will help you pick up on these little gems.

I liked how you described the fight here. You do a great job explaining combat. I'd love to see you put the same time and thought into other actions as well!

Post Seven:
This was a perfect opportunity for rich description. She put on a brave face - what did that look like? I want to be able to picture Ellie! Right now, I'm picturing her as Stephanie from Full House. Honestly, I can't tell you why.

You write about your characters sighing and gasping a lot. These are great actions to express sadness, regret, defeat, and a multitude of other emotions. However, I feel that you use them a bit helter-skelter. Be sure that there is a reason for everything that you write! If these actions occur too often, they lose some of their impact on the reader.

Post Eight:
His mustache twitched with each world. ;)

Post Nine:
This would have been another great post for description. You write that the patrons went back to their everyday activities, but what was it that they did? You touched on this in your first post, but I think a refresher for the reader would have been wonderful here. Were people drinking at the bar? Were they playing cards? Was there music?

Also, there were a couple of spots that sounded a bit awkward. For example, instead of "nodded simply," try "simply nodded." You probably just swapped these around because your brain was working faster than your fingers, but it is something that you'll catch when you re-read your thread.

Post Ten:
You write that Vincent was "beating" how to answer her questions. Was this a typo? Or were you alluding to something like "racking his brain," which would have been cool. Check your spelling! Also, "ae" instead of "as." AE is American Eagle. That's a clothing store. Now I'm imagining Vincent in faded skinny jeans and a polo. He's popped-collar cool. This is a great visual. Thanks.

Post Eleven:
This was a nice way to close out your whole thread. I love the dialogue, and how well it wraps up all of your action in a nice, tidy bow. I actually sat back in my chair and said "aw, that was nice."

Again, you did a lot of listing here. You had some great description, which I loved, but you only teased me with it before falling back into your list. Keep working on your description! I know you're capable!

Again, this was a fun read, and both of you have so much potential. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to shoot me a PM. Keep writing!

[Philomel]

This workshop is now CLOSED. Thank you to everyone who submitted commentary.
Rewards will be calculated in due course and posted here.

[Philomel]

Workshop commentary: An Elf and the Scholar
(http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28783-Workshop-An-Elf-and-the-Scholar)
Alydia Ettermire (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8606-Alydia-Ettermire) receives:
440 EXP
22 GP

Rayleigh (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17734-Rayleigh) receives:
440 EXP
22 GP
(rewarded double EXP for a really good job)

[Lye]

Points added!