Workshop: The Star and The Astronomer

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: The Star and the Astronomer (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28728-The-Star-and-The-Astonomer-(closed-to-Star-Strike))
Name of Authors: Cards of Fate and Starstrike
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 16 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 04/03/2014

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Rayleigh]

Hello to you both. As this is my first workshop, I chose to follow the full rubric directly. It helped me get a sense of what to look for, and guided what probably would have been rambling suggestions. I hope you don't mind!

Plot

Storytelling

This is a very sweet story of a hero rescuing a damsel in distress. There is a clear theme of discovery and learning throughout, and that lends to a nice read overall. Cards, you did a good job of explaining why you happened to be in Etheria Port. While I do feel that the beginning of your story was a bit abrupt, what with Leona sticking Vince on a job with no explanation, you worked to counter this by acknowledging it in your post. Vince himself reflected on how mysterious Leona was, which I thought was a nice way to assure the reader that you weren’t being vague by accident. Star, I felt as though this story could have used a bit more on your backstory. I was unable to find an earlier thread that involved Stella, so I assumed that this was your first story. Help the reader out a bit by providing a bit more information! We are meeting Stella for the first time, and while a bit of mystery can be fun, it is difficult to read a story about an entirely unfamiliar character. While I would not encourage you to post your entire backstory in your first post, try to weave a bit more of Stella’s past life into the current story. I think it will make the story come to life, and help the reader understand and connect better with your
character.

Setting

By far, I feel that this was your weakest category when it came to plot. This story presented so many opportunities for lush, beautiful description, but so often, you both resorted to simply summarizing the events. There were a few instances where you did incorporate description, such as the fight in post #3, and Stella’s dress in post #6. However, overall, you could have done much more. A great theme to keep in mind is “show, not tell.” I want you to show the reader what is happening. In post #2, describe the smell of the whiskey on the man’s breath. Describe the fear that shot through Stella when she made sense of the situation, and how that affected her body. Did she tremble? Did she cry? Or did the attack make her angry, as you suggest when you comment on his “selfish desire?” In post #5, help me feel as if I’m there in the inn with you. Was it smoky? Was it busy? What sort of people were there? How was it decorated? You mention there was loud music, but what sort of music was it? A live band? A single man on a harmonica? Lady Gaga’s The Fame album? In post #8, tell me what Stella was thinking as she was mimicking Vincent’s words. Did they remind her of words she had heard before? Did they feel clunky rolling off of her tongue? In post #9, how does Vincent react to a complete stranger, and a fairly odd one at that, dragging him into the street? You simply write that she guides him outside, but is he alarmed by this? If he does follow her willingly, as he seems to do here, why does he do that? Curiosity? A sense of duty to keep her safe? It is not enough to simply create a list of what your characters did for us. You can really help immerse the reader in the story by keeping description in mind.

Pacing

Your pacing was a bit jumbled for my liking. At the beginning, things flowed pretty well. There were no glaring issues, and things moved along at a believable pace. I began to struggle when you started switching from day to night. While I understand why you made these switches, without adequate detail and description, I was a bit lost. I had to do a lot of re-reading when it came to your second page, because I missed the short sentence that stated the day had passed. There was also a really awkward jump from post #12 to post #13. The last sentence of #12 was not clear enough for me, and I did not follow that Vincent actually located Stella. The pacing at the end was a bit jarring, but I think with enough detail, and being a bit clearer, you could make these changes work.

Character

Communication

The communication between your characters was fairly well done. I enjoyed the way that you made communication a key part in the story itself. The differences in languages, and the experience of translating for the other was quite well done, and I applaud you for thinking to highlight that. It really helped the reader understand how curious Stella was, and how patient (well, for the most part) Vincent was. The contrast between the full Astéri language, and the broken common language, was a nice touch. Still, while the communication was not especially problematic, I had a very difficult time really getting a feel for the voices of your characters. Try thinking of ways to make their words unique. Are there phrases that they could repeat? Again, you could also use description here. Think of synonyms for said, such as moaned, growled, laughed, cooed, etc. You used a few, but more emphasis on this would help a lot. Also, keep working on non-verbal communication. Body language speaks just as loudly as dialogue!

Action

Though there were few moments as action-packed as the initial fight, there were a number of different actions that stood out to me. The one I will focus on was in post #8, when Stella led Vincent outside to look at the stars. This was so abrupt that I had to go back and re-read. You should pause to explain to your reader why that action was necessary. Have Stella reflect on the stars outside. Or, have her first consider taking him outside before she actually does so. Something as simple as the following:


“Though Vincent shows them where he calls home, Stella feels they cannot do the same using a flat, paper map. Instead, they motion for him to follow them into the cold, dark night, for only in the stars will he be able to learn where she truly hails from.”
This gives your action a purpose that I can understand right away, allowing me to better follow the action that comes next. I think this is a good thing for both of you to keep in mind. I hate to beat a dead horse, but don’t just tell me your character does something. I want you to show me, and in doing so, explain the motivations behind the action.

Persona

For the most part, I was able to get a decent feel for how both of these characters “ticked.” Stella was a young woman, lost and alone, who was eager to learn more. Vincent had a job to do, and so he looked after the potential card until he could get her to join Tarot Hierarchy. Even with this basic analysis, there were some problems that jumped out at me. Sudden changes in personality threw me off, and left me re-reading to see if I had missed something. One example is in post #11, when Vincent has about had it with Stella’s questions. I think this was a nice change of character, and demonstrated where Vincent’s breaking point was, but it was a bit too abrupt in the way that you wrote it. In post #9, he’s begging her for ways to help her; then, only one post later, he seems fed up with her. Emphasize the time that’s passed, and added a few more sentences that describe him transitioning from “let me help you” to “gosh, you’re annoying.” The other sudden change took place in post #12, probably in response to Vincent’s change. I would have liked to have seen more reasoning for Stella’s bailing on him. She notes that Vincent was getting upset, and that she should leave, but the action seemed a bit overdramatic too me. More description, and more explanation, would have been helpful here. Is Stella just a dramatic person, who has a tendency to run out on people? If so, maybe she should have been crying, or more upset. Or was up and leaving a custom among her people, in which case you might have mentioned that. It just struck me as odd, as Stella had not seemed like the type to run out on someone.

Prose

Mechanics

This was your weakest category. There are a number of things that I would like to comment on here, and I hope that you both do not take what I have to say as anything other than constructive criticism. Your story was a joy to read, but there were a lot of mechanical errors. First and foremost, please remember to read your own posts! Go through everything with a fine-tooth comb. This will help you pick out simple spelling errors, such as “they star” instead of “they stare” (post #6). There were also missing apostrophes, especially in post #3, where “mans” should have been “man’s.” Finally, reading your post aloud would help you catch missing commas, which there were many of. Cards, you especially had some long sentences that could have been cut up a bit more. Read each sentences to yourself, and take note of any places where you would naturally take a breath. That’s usually a great indicator that a comma is necessary. There were also a couple of missed capitalized letters, such as “let go of me” in post #2.

There were also a couple of things involving dialogue that I wanted to draw your attention to. Let’s use this piece as an example:


"I think I'm stronger than you." Vincent growled as the man stumbled back releasing the strange woman. "Stay behind me." he commanded Stella as he took a fighting pose. "I'm gonna have to teach this man how to address his betters." he growled.
First, I’d like you to notice how you have some variation of “he said” after every quote. This is unnecessary, as you’ve already established who the speaker is. Specifying after every quote feels clunky, and will actually trip up your reader. You could have completely removed the last “he growled.” In fact, the only reason you really need the “he commanded” was because it demonstrated Vince was now addressing someone else; if he had not changed his target, that could have been removed too. Next, you use periods after your quotes. Periods demonstrate the end of a thought, which means you should not be following it with anything along the lines of “he said.” You would use a period if you were to move on to something else. If you plan to follow up with a “he said,” use a comma instead of a period.


”Raisin Bran Crunch is my favorite,” Andy exclaimed, pouring himself another bowl.

OR

“Raisin Bran Crunch is my favorite.” Andy poured himself another bowl.
Just a few things to keep in mind!

Clarity

I’ve already addressed a few clarity issues that fell into other categories, such as weird changes in pace and lack of detail. The one other issues I would comment on is changes in tense. Star, you choose the present tense, which is really cool; we don’t see many present-tense writers around here these days. However, you often resort back to the past tense (posts #4 and #6). This easily happens when you’re writing your first draft, but you should catch them while you are proofreading. Same goes for you, Cards. You change tenses in post #15 (leans/leaned), which I know is easy to do when your partner is writing in a different tense, but you should catch it before submitting the thread for judgment.

Technique

There were very few techniques used in this piece. While metaphors and alliteration may not be at the top of our to-do list when we write a post, they really can make a reader notice something important that you've written. In the future, do your best to incorporate a few more techniques into your writing. If there is one that you should focus on, I would suggest you spend a bit more time on your vivid imagery. Go out of you way to describe what your character is seeing/feeling/tasting/hearing/smelling. These techniques will come when you stop telling, and start showing.

Wildcard

While I provided you with a lot of things to think about, there were a lot of things that I liked too! First, I saw a bit of bunnying, which helped the story flow. I know how hard that is for new writers to do, as giving up your character is terrifying. I applaud you both for incorporating this into your story. Star, I liked your song in post #12! And finally, I loved the reference to Ray. It added depth to your story, and I never mind having my name dropped!

You both have a lot of potential, and I cannot wait to see what else you write! Please message me if you have any questions.

[Philomel]

This workshop thread has less than a week to go! Get your comments in quick for some easy EXP!

UPDATE: This thread is being left open until the 10th March. So you have the weekend to work on them if you want some easy EXP!

[Philomel]

This workshop is now CLOSED. Thank you to everyone who submitted commentary.
Rewards will be calculated in due course and posted here.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary Rewards: The Star and the Astronomer (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28791-Workshop-The-Star-and-The-Astronomer)

Rewards:
Rayleigh (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17734-Rayleigh):
640 EXP
32 GP
(rewarded double EXP for very thorough commentary)

[Lye]

Points added.