Workshop: Unbreaking

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Unbreaking (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28788-Unbreaking)
Name of Authors: The Mongrel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 17 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 09/03/2014

Note from Author for commenters: "I'd like particular attention paid to how I can improve in depicting combat and setting, please."

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Flames of Hyperion]

Story: Fully loved the opening poem, which set the tone beautifully. I also enjoyed the way Illara's observations formed the backbone of the thread, oscillating from the embittered to the love-touched: how the city presented itself to her, how Unfounded worked both in past and in present, and how she kept looking to Mutt when the chips went down. In particular - and this was by far the greatest strength of the thread - how the relationship and trust between Illara and Mutt never once wavered. Kudos also for describing the effects of fatigue on even the hardiest of half orcs, although you lose those points for resorting to healing potions (even if they weren't the sort that healed you straight up ^^).

What I found difficult to follow was the link (or lack thereof) between the framing conversation with Diamond Knave and the story that Illara chose to tell. In your last post, Illara effectively admits that there was no real reason... so why this particular story? Why this particular 'bullshit'? Why didn't she tell the story about her uncles and the unicorn instead? There had to be something that drew Illara's mind to that particular tale, and the hint is that it's all about how the Unbreaking are her family now... and then she immediately thinks of what if Raiaera could be a home to her as well, and how it might feel not to watch over generations of loved ones succumb to the ravages of time?

I felt almost as frustrated as Illara did that I couldn't quite wrap my head around her feelings that you tried to depict, and felt that a slightly defter touch (particularly at the beginning) would have helped so much to emphasise the underlying bittersweet sentiment. Maybe it was just me ><.


Background: You brought the underbelly of Radasanth alive in a way that few people ever bother to do. The tensions between the rival gangs, in particular how the Scourge saw the Unfounded, felt extremely real and organic. Coming from somebody who's just spent a good amount of time outlining the defences of a medieval city in preparation for a protracted siege, I also appreciated the abandoned castle that Raker's Dozen had holed up in, and the reasoning behind its initial construction.

I felt that you could have inserted a couple more lines of setting here and there, particularly making use of the lesser senses: the stench of death-loosened bowels and blood, pinpricks of dawn creeping in through the castle windows, etc. I find that it's not too difficult to weave one or two such inconsequential observations into action sequences, in terms of the weird things that your mind picks up when you're focused to the max. That said, it was always going to be a balancing act against pacing: for example, you could have spent a while longer depicting Illara's return to consciousness, touching upon everything she sensed along the way (rather than just how badly she felt), but would that have detracted from the flow of the story as a whole? Finally, and entering nitpicking territory: could you have tied things in with the larger history of Corone (for example the Civil War) given how long Illara's lived?


Characters: Nitpicking again: you did have to dump a whole load of characters in one go when you went back into the past, and many didn't progress beyond their one quirk. I know you didn't have much space to work with them, but it would have been nice to get some feel for how they participated in the 'yelling and unpleasantness that aren't pertinent to this story', if only to shore up their characters for when they reappeared at the end. Something to link Lightning and Diamond Knave would have been nice as well, to reinforce the interaction at the beginning of the thread.

Rahqur also came off as a bit 'cheesy villain', although again you didn't have much space to work with him. He couldn't quite decide whether he was a rich dilettante dabbling in crime or a cold-blooded mutant-phobic activist. You did such a good job establishing how the Raker's Dozen were formed and how they made their money, that your descriptions of Rahqur himself felt at odds with what you'd already said. His reason for standing and fighting came out of nowhere really... to me, it would have almost made more sense if he'd thrown a tantrum at having lost his private playgroup...

But Mutt! Yes, Mutt. I've said this before, and I'll say it again, but he has possibly the most romantic soul on all of Althanas; he definitely got the best lines in the story. I really appreciated that you used the 'half human' descriptor every now and again for him. It's so easy to fall back on the more exotic (from the point of view as us the writer) moniker, and stick with it ><.


Technique: I found Illara's sections awkward to read at times, and I think I isolated the problem in your use of tenses: specifically, your use of past tense action and present tense thought. Again, maybe it was just me. In addition, I found the transition jarring when you switched from first person Illara to third person Mutt. I understand why you did it from a storytelling point of view, and it worked in that it allowed you to display both their points of view... but I've rarely seen such transitions executed well, and in the short span of the story you had to tell I felt that it confused me more than it helped. Sorry ><.

A few minor errors stood out here and there (for example, unintentionally duplicating phrases in close succession, a couple of spelling errors such as 'alost' in post 3, etc.), but nothing I wouldn't expect from a thread that didn't go through a thorough polishing. I did have to resist the urge to copy everything over into a Google doc and Karu it all ^^. In particular, I might suggest pruning some excess prose from the action bits, possibly chopping things up a bit more (phrases like 'Initial probes done' aren't really conducive to such writing, I'm afraid). Overall, as usual, mechanics and technique were excellent.


* In closing: Illara and Mutt are by far the best romantic pairing I've seen written in a while! That said, she and Touma are going to get along so well (read, badly)...

[Alydia Ettermire]

First off, Doctor Flames, thank you for your extended and insightful critique. I'm looking forward to getting the party dynamic when Illara and Touma meet; it should be funny.


although you lose those points for resorting to healing potions (even if they weren't the sort that healed you straight up ^^). It was an emergency. :(


In your last post, Illara effectively admits that there was no real reason... so why this particular story? Why this particular 'bullshit'? Why didn't she tell the story about her uncles and the unicorn instead? There was no unicorn. That was a 'go home, Knave.' And she doesn't know why this particular story herself, yet. There is a reason for it, and I hope to touch on it during the AC. It has to do with what's seemingly a throwaway line just before she goes to break into the castle.


and then she immediately thinks of what if Raiaera could be a home to her as well, and how it might feel not to watch over generations of loved ones succumb to the ravages of time? They're like ferrets! They're nippy and hilarious and adorable and you love them and then they die! It's sad. Just in Knave's line, she's lost two generations of them already. It hurts. It's hard. It's also meant to show that going to Raiaera has her emotionally off-balance already. But that's something I could have handled better, perhaps. Her issues are all over the place, and I could have illustrated them better.


You brought the underbelly of Radasanth alive in a way that few people ever bother to do. The tensions between the rival gangs, in particular how the Scourge saw the Unfounded, felt extremely real and organic. ^_^


I felt that you could have inserted a couple more lines of setting here and there, particularly making use of the lesser senses: the stench of death-loosened bowels and blood, pinpricks of dawn creeping in through the castle windows, etc. I find that it's not too difficult to weave one or two such inconsequential observations into action sequences Ah, that's a good point. I pretty much derped all over the action sequences, which is what I usually have you for. :P


could you have tied things in with the larger history of Corone (for example the Civil War) given how long Illara's lived? Letho Ravenheart almost got a mention, but then I remembered that he'd have been super young. This happened between Civil Wars, so it wasn't pertinent to the past story, and it didn't fit in with any of the present setting.

Re: the character nitpicking. Probably would have been good, yeah. I don't have them fleshed out all that much in my head at the moment; I needed Cata and Mutt, so that's who I focused on. Rainbow will probably get some time later on, should I have anything that needs doing in Jadet, but out of everyone in the past segment, they're all dead in the present except for Rainbow and Illara. So I didn't feel they needed more screen time, nor did they clamor for it.

Your points re: Rahqur are totally valid. I haven't made a decent villain in a long time. :(


But Mutt! Yes, Mutt. I've said this before, and I'll say it again, but he has possibly the most romantic soul on all of Althanas; he definitely got the best lines in the story. Yes, he did. Author favoritism. I started loving him in Unfounding and his life had a grand impact on Illara's. Works in his favor, though, since I don't think he was too cheesy (or invincible, or sparkly, or any other nonsense). (Feel free to correct me.)


Technique: I found Illara's sections awkward to read at times, and I think I isolated the problem in your use of tenses: specifically, your use of past tense action and present tense thought. That is awkward, but her narrative is a lot more stream of consciousness than most of my other work. And I'm still trying to feel her out. :(


I did have to resist the urge to copy everything over into a Google doc and Karu it all ^^. Habits, man. Habits.


In particular, I might suggest pruning some excess prose from the action bits, possibly chopping things up a bit more (phrases like 'Initial probes done' aren't really conducive to such writing, I'm afraid). Ah, yes. That is what I needed. (Again, I derp all over the action.)

Thanks again for your review, Doc, and to any and everyone else: Please give me a critique, be it short, long, glowing or scathing. You get free shinies out of it.

[Philomel]

This workshop is now CLOSED. Thank you to everyone who submitted commentary.
Rewards will be calculated in due course and posted here.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary Rewards: Unbreaking (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28844-Workshop-Unbreaking)

Rewards:
Flames of Hyperion (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8570-Flames-of-Hyperion):
1105 EXP
34 GP

[Lye]

Points added. Thanks again Doc-Prov.