Sibling? rivalry (closed to Deadnight Warrior)

[Camella]

Camella had run away from fallien. She knew that if she showed her head there again anytime soon, it would be cut off. After all, last time she tried to hunt the drow named Izvilvin, Camella ended up killing quite a few people in town and promised to kill even more. But that was in the past, right now, she needed to rest. It was a long, long, trek to Corone, after all. Unfortunately, she had no idea what was going to happen to her.

As Camella entered the town, she felt a set of eyes fall upon her, and before she even knew what happened, Camella was slashed twice across the chest in an X pattern by an unseen force. She had no idea who it was that did this to her, but whoever it was, they were good. Suddenly, she felt an extreme pain as the invisible force struck the final blow, a stab right in the center of the X. As she started drifting out of conciousness, she could have sworn she heard her attacker say "See you later, my dearest sister." and laugh in a menacing voice. There was just one problem with this. As far as she knew, she never had any siblings.

And so, as she thought about this, she fell unconcious.

[Deadnight Warrior]

"It sounds ill thought out to me," said the menacing, large man. "A thousand gold for a blade of such low caliber?"

Artume Zauvir was a man who appreciated honesty in his merchants. The man before him, unfortunately, seemed to thrive on charging disgusting prices for what appeared to be mediocre equipment. Dispatcher and Ruin by his side, Artume had no fear in calling out the short, grey-haired man on his gouging.

"Eh? You callin' me a con artist, big man?"

Merely nodding, Artume was beginning to enjoy the difficulty he was causing the man to go through, difficulty reinforced by the dozens of potential clients that begun to surround them.

"I can call you many things, old man, if you want to try and validify this ridiculous price you have here."

A scream from beyond the stand drew Artume's attention away. The blue eyed warrior swerved around the merchant's stall to witness a crowd of people rushing about a fallen warrior. Not usually one to get himself involved in the affairs of others, Artume couldn't rationalize his sudden urge to run forward and see what the fuss was about. The man behind him cried some accusation or insult, but the man ignored it.

In the middle of the crowd was a fallen woman, a pair of slashes across her chest and a puncture wound in the center, expect slices. Rather than gawk like the others, Artume quickly scooped the woman up in his arms and brought her to the nearby clinic where she could be treated.

[Camella]

Camella woke up on a hospital bed. She wasn't quite sure what was going on at first, but she sat straight up as soon as she realized that she was not in a place she recognized, or at least she tried to, but the pain got to her a little too much and she fell back onto the bed. She was bandaged across the stomach, but what worried her was not that, but the fact that she had no idea who saved her life.

"Ow!!" Camella said weakly in pain. "Anybody there?"

A nurse stared down at her in surprise.

"A man brought you in a while ago. You looked like a lost cause to us, but we took you in anyway. You lost so much blood, it is a miracle you survived."

"So where is this man who saved me?" Camella asked, knowing full well that she was too weak to move.

"We will get him for you, just stay still, ok? You don't want to start bleeding again, do you?"

Camella shook her head no as she made sure she still had all 4 of her blades on her. She was worried that she might need them soon.

[Deadnight Warrior]

"She's awake," said the nurse, a pallid smile on her face, the expression Artume figured a woman in her profession was accustomed to giving. The man nodded and rose from the stout chair he'd been using, and followed the nurse into the next room, where the only occupied bed was Camella's.

"You don't look so good," he said, taking long strides to the side of her bed, where he dragged a chair behind himself to rest comfortably in it. "Someone catch you by surprise?"

[Camella]

"Ugh... what hit me?" Camella said to herself as she waited for the nurse to get back with the man who had saved her life. Shortly after she said this, the nurse came back in with a man she had never seen before.

"You don't look so good," said the man as he took a seat next to her. "Someone catch you by surprise?"

Camella looked up weakly. The bandages had bled through and it hurt her to sit upright, but she didn't care. This was the person who had saved her, He at least deserved some kind of answer.

"Ow!!!!!!!" It wasn't exactly the most impressive way of starting a sentence, but it was something. "Yeah, I think so, anyway. Not really sure. Never saw him. Heard his voice, though. odd thing is, he seems to think I am his sister, but I have no siblings. So, Who might you be?"

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume's eyes unleveled as he listened to the woman's reply. "Sounds like an assassin, or some rogue of whatever sort. Gotta keep your eyes open, lass," he said, his speech relaxed.

"You may call me Artume," he said, nodding his head slightly as he sat by her side. "I am many things, I'm afraid, so a simple explanation you will not get. Consider me a warrior if you wish, though the term feels crude to me. What's important is that I found you on the ground, with wounds I would not expect a normal woman to survive. I brought you here as a formality, really, but when they told me you may live I had to stick around for a little while."

He adjusted his pants and looked back to the doctor and nurse, a few feet away attending to some paperwork. Turning back to Camella, he leaned in a bit.

"What's your business then? If someone came for you out of nowhere, he must have a reason, aye? Anybody want you dead?"

[Camella]

Camella thought for a while before answering. Finally, she looked over at the nurse.

"I'd like to have five minutes alone with this man, please." Camella said, trying not to raise any suspicion.

The nurse eyed her warily, but finally left.

"I will give you three." she said on her way out.

As soon as the nurse was out of earshot, Camella turned to Artume.

"My name is Camella. I am a bounty hunter, and because of my profession, almost anyone could be after my hide. I have never told anyone this before, for obvious reasons, so please keep it a secret."

As Camella finished speaking, another voice spoke up. Camella recognized it immediately as belonging to the person who put her in the clinic in the first place.

"So that is what you have been doing with your life? Well, it ends now, Sister. It is time to finish what I started." Camella looked around for the source of the voice, but found nothing. Suddenly the door opened and the nurse came back in. Camella watched in horror as an invisible force slashed the nurse apart.

[Deadnight Warrior]

"Mm, a bounty hunter. That explains much. I've had some run-ins with the mercenary types before; doesn't escape me why someone could want ye dead. I'll keep your secret, lass, don't worry."

The presence of the second voice didn't shock Artume, but the look on Camella's face did. It was one of pure terror. He looked behind himself quickly, seeing nothing but the nurse, but he reeled as she was torn apart by nothing. The delicate human fell to the floor in a heap of bloody gore.

Acting quickly, Artume drew his blades and swung them blindly, moving forward, backward and around, in a completely random pattern that would unnerve anyone nearby. Even if invisible, the warrior wouldn't be able to escape the dual-wielder's wide swipes. He was simply everywhere with his steel.

After a moment he sheathed both Dispatcher and Ruin, and ran as quick as he could to Camella, scooping her up in his powerful arms before she could mount a word of protest. She was obviously still too wounded to get out of bed, but it was this or be killed as far as Artume was concerned.

Outside, the man put Camella on her feet, supporting her with a free hand while the other fished in his pocket. Pulling an adamantine figurine from within, he called the name of Valhalla, his nightmare. A black mist seeped from the statue, eventually bringing his black horse into being. Flames of grey burning on its heels and tail, the smoking beast with red eyes was a frightening thing to behold.

"Come on," Artume quickly said, helping the woman onto the creature. The flames would not burn any creature who rode Valhalla. He climbed on after her and spurred the beast, which broke off into the edge of town running an inch over the ground.

"Who was that? Your brother, he said?" Artume said incredulously, not quite aware of how Valhalla's appearance was effecting the nearby townfolk, and likely Camella herself.

[Camella]

Camella was, indeed, too injured to move. She was happy to see him attempting to protect her and all, but there was no sign of bloodshed. Camella started to think about the situation for a moment. Artume seemed to be swinging everywhere at once, he seemed to be swinging at everything except for her. Suddenly she realized what was going on. "Shit!!!!" Camella cursed.

Now perhaps I should explain this reaction from her. Let's say that you were invisible to the naked eye and that you are trying to destroy a valuable vase that is resting on a table when someone came in with a machine gun and started firing everywhere at once in a sad attempt to protect that vase. Now think.... Where would the best place be to hide? What is the one thing they don't dare shoot at? You guessed it. The one thing they wouldn't shoot at is the one thing they wanted to protect, the vase. They also wouldn't shoot at the table for fear of destroying the vase in the process. So I ask you again, Where would the best place be to hide? Correct again. Right under or next to the table.

In other words, the only place that the man could be was either under the hospital bed or next to it. Either way, he could deal the finishing blow at any time. It was only by a stroke of luck that this finishing blow missed her. As soon as Artume picked her up, Camella saw an invisible force stab at the exact spot her neck had been a half second earlier.

(Sorry if this next part has some bunnying, I try to avoid it when I can.)

The man named Artume rushed her out of the clinic as quickly as possible and summoned his nightmare. Normally, she would have been terrified by the sight of the nightmare, but she was too scared with the recent events to even notice how scary it looked. After the nightmare took off with Artume and Camella on it, Artume spoke up. "Who was that? Your brother, he said?"

Camella shook her head. "I don't have any brothers or sisters. I never even met the guy until just today. I don't know who that guy is, but he seems to think he knows me. I have no idea how he knows me, but I think I may have an Idea on how to find out. He left behind one clue. He has similar powers to mine."

Camella turned invisible for a few seconds in order to demonstrate what she meant. Afterwards she continued to speak. "I still remember where I got my powers, we might find a clue there. Please take us someplace safe so I can heal up. Afterwards, I plan on heading to a Laboratory near Radasanth to search for clues to who this assassin might be. Feel free to come with me when I head there."

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume squinted into the wind as he listened carefully to Camella. She was behind him, gripping tight. When she spoke of her ability, he scoffed, but looked down to his hip where her hand gripped tight. Despite the forceful hold of her fingers, he saw no limb there. He reached and squeezed her hand, and laughed aloud.

"Now that's a talent," he muttered, finding the whole thing incredulous.

Choosing not to speak, at least not until they reached a safe place, Artume focused on riding his furious mount along the beaten path between Radasanth and Concordia forest. The nightmare burst through the daylight until they eventually reached the an area in the plains, clear of dirt and with a few flat boulders.

Artume dismounted, and when Camella was safely on the ground, dismissed Valhalla. He sat on one of the boulders and put his chin in his hand.

"Invisibility, hm?" he said in interest, getting back to the topic of discussion. "Strange experiments to be doing at a laboratory."

[Camella]

"Yeah, I know. Very strange. I had no choice in the matter, though. You probably couldn't imagine how hard my life was. I was a slave girl, forced to do the bidding of others. When I was sold to the docter, I was forced to be a test subject in his attempt to create the ultimate assassin. He may have succeeded when he created the monstrousity I am now, but I made sure that he was unable to ever experiment again."

Camella sighed.

"Man, I never thought I would ever want, or even need to go back to that hellhole."


Camella leaned up against one of the boulders and began to think.

"I don't suppose you have any healing herbs or potions, do you?"

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume shook his head. Unfortunately, he had no means of healing at all.

"I don't know of any healers in this area, either. I guess you'll have to tough it out for now, lass. I'll be with you in the lab, so don't ye worry."

He went into his pack, rummaging around for some food he had brought. A satisfied smile on his face, he produced a large hunk of dry bread and a stick of dried meat. He split each morsel apart and gave part of each to Camella.

"I've known my share of assassins, lass," he said between bites. "I hope you've given up the business. I'm being as truthful as I can when I say I knew some."

His eyes gazed unfocused out into the distance, as he considered the lifestyle. "I could've gone down that path. Rather, I didn't go down any. I'm still deciding," he said with a laugh. "Hard to choose the person you want to be."

[Camella]

Camella ate the food given to her as if she hadn't eaten for three days, which wasn't far from the truth, considering how bad business had been for her recently. The truth was that, although she had eaten every day, the food she consumed was barely enough for one meal a day.

After eating, she got up and looked Artume straight in the eyes.

"I would never give up this business. Every job has it's dangers, this one just has more than usual. Besides, it is the only line of work that people let me do, seeing as how I am a freak of nature. How about we leave tomorrow for the lab? That way I will get at least one night's rest. I just hope that my wound heals by then."

As an afterthought, Camella said "Not to be a nuisance or anything, but do you have any more grub?"

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume nodded with a full mouth, tossing her the rest of the bread.

"I doubt wounds as bad as yours could possibly heal after a single day, unless you have some power that helps that kind of thing along. Still, let us rest, and tomorrow we'll head into town."

With that, the warrior lay back and stared into the orange sky, ready to sleep the night away. Tomorrow he had a purpose, which was more than he could say about today.

[Camella]

Camella fell asleep and slept very soundly. When she awoke, she realized that Artume was correct. Her wounds may have stopped bleeding for the mostpart, but they were still there, and they still hurt. Camella started taking practice swings with her daggers in order to see how the pain would affect her movements. She found out that there were still a lot of things that she couldn't do, but she didn't care too much. At least she could fight, and that was all that mattered. She was ready to get going at any time.

Camella looked over to Artume.

"Hey buddy, you awake? I am ready to go any time you are."

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume awoke moments after Camella, a throat plagued with cold saliva from breathing in the dewey morning air. He coughed and sat up, nodding in response to her question.

He readied himself and summoned Valhalla again, helping Camella onto the smoking mount before climbing up himself. They traveled hard toward Radasanth, the nightmare's hooves leaving scorch marks in the grass, despite it never once touching the ground.

They eventually arrived in the populated city, and Artume dismissed his frightening horse before they reached the gates.

"You take the lead now. I don't know where we're going, after all."

[Camella]

Camella lead the way. It was just a few miles southeast of Radasanth. The place was very rundown and it almost looked haunted. Camella looked took in the sights. The only window in the place was right next to the door that she came in. It was wide open. The scientist she had killed was still rotting on the floor, the walls were covered with rust and moss. The floor was covered with dried up blood, rust, and broken glass from the capsule she had broken out of. The ceiling was covered with lots and lots of dried blood. Camella noticed almost nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, it looked like noone had been there since she left. Suddenly, her eyes turned to the other capsule, the one where she should have seen a dead chameleon from the experiment that changed her life forever. Instead of seeing what she expected to see, Camella noticed a human sized hole in the glass as if someone had broken out of it. It didn't take Camella long to realize what had happened.

When she had gotten her powers, two beings were created. The first was her, she had gained the powers of a chameleon and ended up killing the scientist who had created her. The second was the chameleon, who had gained the size and speech patterns of a human. This chameleon was the thing that was after her.

Finally, Camella turned to Artume.

"I've seen enough, Let's go" She spoke in a scared voice, but it was too late. Out of nowhere, she heard the voice of the chameleon.

"So, I see you've returned home, Sister. I figured you would. You ready to die, yet? It really is a shame that you killed our father, but who cares. After I kill you, noone will be able to stop me."

Camella wondered if this was true as she started backing away from the voice, after all, she had had her share of troubles with a drow named Izvilvin. As a matter of fact, She failed in killing him at least twice, and she was sure he was still alive. She just wondered if she would live long enough to attempt to take his life again.

As she continued to back away, she got grabbed from behind by the Chameleon and tossed towards towards the wall. She hit it hard and fell to the floor. Thinking quickly, she swung a dagger in front of her, almost knowing that her foe would go straight for a killing blow. It was a direct hit. Blood started to gush out of the invisible chameleon.

"Good shot, sister. Next time you won't be so lucky."

The chameleon jumped out of the window in an attempt to make a getaway.

"Let's head back to camp and plan our next move" Camella said weakly to Artume.

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume growled in primal fury when he heard the voice of the Chameleon, so inherently evil in tone. He drew Dispatcher and Ruin, fully ready to do battle with an invisible foe, when Camella suddenly flew to the side.

He rushed forward, slashing wide with both blades in an attempt to at least locate his foe. In the meantime, he heart a grunt from his right and turned to look at it. Blood seemed to be seeping from the very air, and then it was suddenly gone.

Artume looked incredulously at the newly injured Camella. "This isn't looking good," he muttered aloud.

"We can't keep allowing him to assault you like this," he said, disagreeing with her proposal. "Come with me to a healer in town. I'll pay, and you can be healed. If he keeps managing to get these shots in on you, you will be killed."

[Camella]

Camella nodded. She did need healing, she had just been avoiding the healers because going to them would be too predictable a move. She figured, though, that if they were to ride on the nightmare, they could get there well before the Chameleon.

"Think you could call upon your steed again? We need to head back as quickly as possible if we are to beat the Chameleon there." Camella said as she walked out the door.

[Deadnight Warrior]

"Aye," Artume said, producing the adamantine figurine from his pocket and calling upon Valhalla.

He was perplexed as he did so, however. This invisible chameleon was unlike any force he'd ever had to deal with. With a morbid sense of disgust, Artume realized the thing could kill him at any time, should it decide that getting its revenge on Camella was not enough.

So why was he with her? The warrior looked to his companion, trying to mask his indecision. He was risking a lot in helping her, and was getting nothing in return.

All the same, he mounted Valhalla and invited Camella to do the same.

"This is the final time I can summon my mount for today, so let's find rest in town, and some food. I could use a meal. We'll get you healed first, of course."

With that, they were off toward Radasanth, streaking along the plains as fast as Artume's nightmare could take them.

[Camella]

This post contains a referance to the two following threads:
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=2112
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=2750


Camella and her new friend got to Radasanth without any problems. As soon as they got there, Camella went straight to a healer to get herself healed. As the magic worked it's way through her body, Camella started thinking about her many failed attempts to capture Izvilvin. The one thing they all had in common was her inability to remain totally unseen. There was always a way that Izvilvin could read where she was, even if she was invisible. Whether it was footprints, sound, blood, or something else, that drow always knew where she was. She knew that if she wanted to live, she would have to recreate these circumstances. It was only at this time that she realized that Artume might be in more danger than she was at this point. Artume had saved her more times than she could count, and if the chameleon realized that Artume was the only reason that Camella had lived this long.... She didn't have time to think about it. Camella rushed to Artume as fast as her feet could carry her.

"I think I have an idea on how to defeat this guy, but we have to hurry." Camella said quickly.

Camella quickly told Artume about her run-ins with Izvilvin, and about how he always knew where she was. She suggested to him that they attempt the same thing on the chameleon in order to even the odds.

After she was done, Camella remembered what Artume had said about needing to rest. "I will stay on watch while you sleep, at least that way you don't have to worry too much about getting murdered while you sleep. Let's just make sure to bar all the entrances so that we know when that thing enters, ok?"

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume nodded, and went about the task of putting chairs and other items next to each door and window, to inform Camella if anyone was trying to enter.

He rested well enough, but woke after only six hours. He felt refreshed and strong again, ready to carry on with the day. He went down the stairs of the Inn and ate, paying his stay and thanking the Innkeeper for allowing his strange need to put objects near each entrance.

Together, he and Camella exited the Inn and the warrior summoned Valhalla. He pet the creature on the smokey grey mane on his neck, and took in a deep breath.

"So the hunter becomes the hunted," he mused. "Lead the way, if you think you know where we can find this chameleon, and I'll be there to support you."

[Camella]

Camella shook her head. "He will find us, all we have to do is wait here. As soon as he attempts to break in, I will set my plan into action." Camella said, but before she could explain her plan to Artume, She heard the sound of the Chameleon attempting break down the door. She turned her attention to it and saw an invisible force cutting through the door. Camella waited and watched, As soon as she was sure that the chameleon was in the room, she threw a dagger at the sprinkler system on the ceiling. As the water poured down, it became possible to see the shape of the chameleon from where the water hit. The chameleon, realizing this attempted to run back out of the room and escape, but Camella rushed forward and blocked it's path.

"Not this time, buddy." Camella said as she attempted to slash at it. To her horrer, the chameleon blocked and countered with a slash that grazed her cheek.

"You bastard!!!!" Camella yelled out as she started attacking the chameleon repeatedly, but every time she attacked, the Chameleon dodged out of the way. "Ugh," Camella said finally as the Chameleon countered her flurry with a punch to the stomach, "What are you, Super-human or something?"

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume was behind the invisible creature in an instant, both his blades coming in with thrusts. Impossibly, the chameleon creature dodged to the side, forcing the warrior to awkwardly pull back his attack so that he didn't follow through into Camella.

A hard force smashed his side and took him into the wall, but Artume whirled about in time to intercept the chameleon's blade, a weapon so difficult to see in the water that his block was purely accidental.

Instinctively his foot came up to crash into the invisible foe's chest, sending him staggering, back exposed to Camella.

"End it!" Artume cried.

[Camella]

Camella nodded. It was about time she started living her life of leisure again.... or at least as much of a life of leisure as one in her proffession could live. She kicked the chameleon to the ground pinned him there.

"Say goodnight, 'Brother'" Camella mocked as she cut his head off.

She smiled as she realized that she could sleep without the worry of being killed while she slept, but one thing still bothered her. She had made a great friend in Artume, but she knew that she might have to hunt him down someday.

"So, what now?" Camella asked as she looked up at Artume.

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume sheathed his blades. He could sense that it was over.

"Now we part, I suppose," he said, the water from the incredibly advanced sprinkler system running down his face. "I'm glad I could help, really I am, but I'll have to pass on these adventures in the future. They lack profit."

The warrior walked past her, clapping a hand on her shoulder as he moved to the door. It was too soon to call Valhalla again, so he began to walk, briskly, toward the Inn. If nothing else, the city would provide him with a warm bed.

"Goodbye, Camella," he said aloud, wondering where it was he'd been headed before he found her in the street.

[Camella]

Camella looked at Artume.

"See you.... Is there a way I can find you If I ever need your help again?"

[Deadnight Warrior]

Artume was almost out of earshot when Camella's voice called to him. He barely heard the strong woman's curious voice, and turned to reply.

"I don't know. I live close by, so I shouldn't be hard to find."

He smirked and turned around one more.

"You could always lie in the street and need a friend. I'm good at coming along in those situations."

After that, he was gone.

((So yeah, this is my last post. You can make a last post if you want and submit this thing.))

[Camella]

Camella laughed a weak laugh. "Thanks again. Sorry to have caused you trouble." But by the time she spoke, the man was gone.

Camella sighed. "Well, I guess I better get out of here before I am caught in the same room as this corpse."

And with that, Camella ran out the door and slipped out the building unnoticed, she had no idea where she was headed, but she didn't care. She knew she had to get out of town before someone noticed the dead body.

[Atzar]

In this particular case, I’m going to save my general comments until I’m done with the judgment. So, let’s get straight to the reason you’re reading this:

STORY

Continuity: 4 Not too much to say here. I knew where Camella came from and why, but Artume just seemed to be in the right place at the right time.

Setting: 3 You needed to put a lot more detail in this section. In post 17, Camella’s description of the laboratory was a step in the right direction: there was a lot of detail and it gave me a clear picture of the room (although I’m not sure why there’s blood on the ceiling…). Other than that, however, I got a pretty hazy picture of exactly where you guys were at any given time. Deadnight, I would have loved to have a description of what actually happened when you summoned or dismissed Valhalla. Also, make sure your setting agrees with the overall setting of Althanas: you can’t walk from Fallien to Corone, Corone is an island. Also, the time period was inconsistent at parts. The sprinkler system, in particular, was out of place: although Deadnight’s mention of the system in post 22 amused me enough that I decided not to dock you further for it.

Pacing: 4 One major thing that you should know is that you shouldn’t repeat a character’s dialogue from another post. It hurts the flow a lot. Also, this quest went by far too quickly, considering how much happened. Slow things down, take some time to describe everything (setting and character). Your score will be remarkably higher if you do.

CHARACTER

Dialogue: 3 The dialogue, for the most part, didn’t seem like it fit the character. In this section, try to imagine what you would say if you were in your character’s position. Sometimes, the answer is nothing: in post 23, Camella got punched in the stomach with no ill effects on her speech. In reality, such a blow would knock the wind out of you, making it difficult to speak at all. Again: details. Deadnight, I thought you did better in this section, although both characters seemed to be a little lacking of personality in this category: very few people speak in perfect English.

Action: 4 The main idea of the plot is a classic: Camella is on a quest to defeat what essentially is her “darker half”. I liked that idea a lot, but things happened way too quickly for me to get full enjoyment out of it. Too many things, however, just didn’t seem to make sense. Why didn’t the chameleon just kill them at night, when they had no plan and one of them was sleeping? Also, one of the most important parts of the quest (when Camella finally realizes that she has a ‘brother’) was explained in a single paragraph. The more important an event is, the longer you should dwell on it.

Persona: 2 This was the weakest part of the quest. Why did Artume decide to help Camella with no reflection or protest? Why didn’t Camella accept his help and open up to him so readily? Generally, assassins aren’t nearly so amiable. When the chameleon finally got hurt, why did it simply run away? “Good shot, you won’t be so lucky next time…” there was no pain from being slashed with a dagger, he just gave a corny line and gave up. First, it would help you to define your character’s personality: both characters seemed very wooden and flat. Do you want to play the heroic warrior, gallant and courteous to all but his foes? Do you want to play the assassin, cold and close-mouthed to all of society? Both Artume and Camella seemed to lack a personality of their own, and it would have made this quest much better as a whole if they seemed real and 3D.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics: 5 Simple, but effective. Very rarely did I see any mistakes. My only complaint here is that the writing seemed a bit plain.

Technique: 3 There was some imagery and foreshadowing in the quest that I enjoyed, but the entire thing lacked finesse. Your styles, as I mentioned, seem plain right now; with experience, however, you’ll develop quirks and idiosyncrasies of your own that will make your work easily recognizable. In short: keep writing, keep taking constructive criticism to heart. You guys have the basics down already. All you need to do is develop that attention to detail and that unique style that comes with experience, and your quests will come alive.

Clarity: 5 No real complaints. I always knew what was happening. There were only a few sentences that I remember that were a bit awkward and I had to reread.



Wild Card: 4 I’ll ask you not to pay attention to the scores in this quest. Instead, try to take some of my advice to heart. In Althanas, the comments are much more important than the numbers, and this is especially true with you two. I look forward to seeing you progress in the future; both of you have a lot of potential.


Final Score: 37

Camella receives 405 EXP.
Deadnight Warrior receives 390 EXP.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!