Workshop: Joseph, merchant

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Jospeh, merchant (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29064-Joseph-merchant-%28Solo-%29-%28Let-me-know-if-you-want-in-and-we-can-do-something%29)
Name of Authors: redrout, Cards of Fate
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 13 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 16/04/2014

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

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4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Skie and Avery]

Strengths

I made a note early in the thread that I thought that redrout should find a way to separate his character’s thoughts from the rest of the narrative, and you began to do that some of the way in. Italicizing the thoughts made a huge difference. Keep that up!

Cards had some good metaphors and you both had bits and pieces of descriptive scenery that really helped make the story come alive. I will say that Cards has a very strong style to his writing. Even if a lot of this thread felt hastily written, there were stylistic points that I feel would have made more thoughtful posts really shine.

Joseph came across as a pretty solid character here. And I felt as if he were the main protagonist because I could really identify with him. Mostly the “what the fuck is going on” and “this guy is nuts” feelings, ha ha. This was a short, fun thread to recruit to the Hierarchy so I wasn’t expecting a ton of character development but you have a solid character so I would definitely use that and show what’s under the surface for him a little bit. You did this when you explained why chasing after Vincent was something exciting for him compared to other marks, but we never really got to see how Joseph felt about losing Vincent and his motivation to go back and drink an ale that had been through a fire was completely lost on me. I really do think this is an area where you’re good so you should work on going deeper with a character who is consistent in his reactions most of the time.


Weaknesses

I would encourage you two to work more on description, and really make the scenes come alive. We’re not talking JRR Tolkien three pages describing a hill, but more meat on the bones would be nice. In the part where there was a crowd around the burnt inn, there was a lot of opportunity to do sensory descriptions that I felt were missed. I also read the thread and didn’t really know what your characters looked like other than one was blonde and wore boots. I now imagine Vincent to be David Bowie.

Definitely watch your spelling. This was more of an issue in Cards’ posts, but most of your misspellings were words that spellcheck wouldn’t catch. For instance, “wood be” instead of “would be”. There were also instances of common misspellings because of homophones – it was said at one point that Joseph could pedal his wares, when the word there is peddle. This is a nitpick of mine just because this is something that I struggle with a lot, ha ha. I use dictionary.com a ton while I write to avoid these.

Going back to description, keep in mind what you’re writing. Vincent’s teleportation blue light was never given much more of a description other than that and it was worded the same both times, which seemed kind of lazy. Furthermore, there was mention of a festival in one of your posts and it didn’t really have anything to do with things other than a bit of flavor as to why there weren’t a lot of people in the inn. Why not use that to make your thread more interesting? Did the festival being there give any good tents for hiding in the chase? Did it mean there were more guards about, increasing the chances of someone seeing Vincent’s killing of the people in the pub or the fire? Did it mean there were less because they were in another part of town registering merchants that were coming in? These are small things to include that will boost the story.

While Vincent’s character is consistent through this thread, it’s not completely consistent with how I’ve seen him in other threads. Now, this could be that I just haven’t read much. However, in the AC he came across as sane if a little temperamental. In this thread, he was completely unhinged. He also came across as evil to me, completely disregarding life when he sets the pub on fire. With the piss in a bottle routine it felt like he was just a prankster, oh but there’s lamp oil mixed with the shit. We’re not fucking around, now. He was kind of all over the place in the thread, at one point making it feel as if he saw himself as far beyond the merchant assassin, and with some air of authority because of his experience, and then turned around and led the assassin on a futile chase that ended because he stopped to taunt the guy by showing his ass. Here it wasn’t so bad. I got that you two were having fun in a silly thread between friends.



Overall Impression
It did the job as a short, fun thread. Some of the dialogue was funny, and the story was entertaining even if there were moments of sheer, “what the fuck did I just read?” thrown in there. You both have a pretty good grasp of mechanics and technique and I feel like in a thread where there was real effort and direction, you’d be able to tell a much stronger story.

[Doge]

Story:
“Extra extra! Tavern burns down in a few minutes and is somehow cold enough for two men to enter and fight, but no one is around to see somehow…. Magic is thought to be the cause.” Shouted the snot nosed paper kid.

Hmmm, I found the concept a bit cliché. The start was good, but suddenly after a rough and tumble the two men are friends. What about setting fire to a tavern and killing a few people? And how did the fire burn out so quickly? Where were the consequences for the actions?

Why can’t salvarian cotton be a thing? It’s cold… I have no idea how cold cotton can be.

Pacing was a bit confused, fast, slow, fast, twerking, slow.

redrout:
Your opening was strong, but I think there were some missed opportunities. Scare brae is filled with different races. You could have used that fact to link your first two paragraphs into an explanation of Joseph’s background and history. Did he grow up selling wears to all different types of people? Did he feel at home?

The idea of a cloth salesman being an assassin is a good one, but you could have added more flair to your movements and descriptions. Being a salesman means you can use flowery narrative language to tap into the scene and character.

Duffy threads (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?25699-A-Cut-Above-(Closed)) are good examples.

Cards of Fate:
I seemed to have missed your opening. I kept staring at the space above your second post and redrout’s first but it never appeared.

Your character is at the centre of a huge PG, with history, some odd fortune teller and here I am with only a paragraph to set up all this history and intent leading me as the reader to go ‘what the hell is this mad man doing throwing flaming pop at people and having them sprinkle themselves with pee?’

Moderation was needed in the delivery, and a slower set up (not necessarily more posts). I haven’t seen Vincent RP before, so I have no idea what is going on, who is what in the where.

The key to a comedic event is in the delivery. In a story its easy to suddenly throw flaming poop at people, but that doesn’t really make sense. Neither does a tavern of half drunk people suddenly buying hair tonic from a loud stranger. In comedy you need a straight man (or men), who stoically denies the act of comedy (the Phi to me if you will). Joseph can’t be the straight man, he was supposed to be the animated one. If everyone follows along it becomes a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theatre_of_the_Absurd ( theatre of the absurd, however for that to be pulled off you need a slower burn, and crazier crazy.

Regardless, your position and the act of recruiting seemed opposed to your character’s flippant personality. That needs to be explored if it’s accepted.

Suspension of disbelief is an important concept to keep in mind. Using a phrase like twerking immediately pulled me out of the story and into the present. Likewise, ‘shaking his butt’ broke your narrative tone for a moment.

Doge Score:
http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/281/3/4/doge_by_harlequinhues-d8212ta.png http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/281/3/4/doge_by_harlequinhues-d8212ta.png http://orig09.deviantart.net/6928/f/2015/092/4/2/grey_doge_icon_by_harlequinhues-d8o2jbz.png http://orig09.deviantart.net/6928/f/2015/092/4/2/grey_doge_icon_by_harlequinhues-d8o2jbz.png http://orig09.deviantart.net/6928/f/2015/092/4/2/grey_doge_icon_by_harlequinhues-d8o2jbz.png

2 out of 5. A solid start to a longer relationship, but suffered from some confusing pacing and storyline choices. I’d suggest a joint quest where their different styles could cause interesting conflict for the next quest.

[Philomel]

This is going to be open for a further few days, until the end of the week due to my carelessness of not noticing the time on it.

[Philomel]

This workshop is now CLOSED.

Rewards will be calculated and posted up shortly.

[Philomel]

Rewards for Workshop Commentary
Name of Workshop: Joseph, Merchant (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29119-Workshop-Joseph-merchant)

Skie and Avery (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?1387-Skie-and-Avery) receives:
650 EXP
26 GP

Doge (www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17393-Doge) receives:
195 EXP
26 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added