Workshop: The Fault In Our Star

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: The Fault In Our Star (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28808-The-Fault-in-Our-Star)
Name of Authors: Cards of Fate, Starstrike
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 16 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 01/05/2014 (1st May)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Doge]

General:

Strengths:
The length of the thread and the way it cut into the lives of the two characters was a good match. Any more and it would have been tedious and less and it would have lacked some of the depth.
The two character are quite interesting and the way the story focused on a point in their lives where they were changing (Vincent with his growing responsibility and Stella with their adjustment to Althanas) was well done.
Some of the imagery used was good and the fact that Stella couldn’t speak with Vincent was pretty well navigated without getting too bogged down. At the end when Star used *ambrosia* was good. Next time I’d have Stella using her words more they can’t think of the right common word. Also more frustration, there is little more frustrating than not being able to communicate.

Weaknesses:
I don’t think either RPer did a good job RPing the other’s characters. Stella seemed childish and immature when Card’s described her and Vincent seemed more child-like as well.
There was a general lack of setting that I thought held it back. Quite a few posts were about food, but the characters could have done more than verbally express their like. There was a missed opportunity to turn the thread into a more sensory experience. Musty books, sugary/sweet food, bitter emotions. Imagine if in the first scene Vincent was explaining tastes to Stella, and then when she tried to explain the tear she used bitter or sour as descriptions of her emotions. Then the story could have culminated with her saying she felt sweet at them setting out to find someone.
The progression of Stella was a bit confusing. At the start she was not able to speak and using basic sounds for letters, suddenly she was able to string words together. A bit more structure to the passage of time would have helped that.


Cards of Fate:
There were some spelling/grammar mistakes that caught me a few times. For example:


You younger looking girl had more or less attached herself to Vincent’s hip at all times.

Of course the second issue with this sentence is that Star Strike’s character isn’t female. You could preface this sentence with Vincent seeing them as a girl and then use the gender specific identifiers.

Moar setting! Moar I say! What does Leona look like? What does Vincent look like? What does the area they were in look like? What does it smell like? Vincent spent all night sleeping in a chair, then had a conversation wide awake without a single creak in his neck. These little touches would really help set up your writing.

Again, I’m not a fan of real life references. It kept breaking the story for me. You can preface those statements if you want by adding something like ‘a movie from Vincent’s birth planet’. Also, considering he was also from another world he seemed to have little understanding about what Stella could be. That didn’t seem to make sense.

Otherwise you had some solid writing. I liked your character here more than the other thread; he seemed far more human and caring. The icecream was a nice touch as well.

Star Strike:
First is the elephant in the room. I’m not sure its practical to use their/they in your posts. Those words are plural, and it is confusing for the reader. ‘It’ is a bit harsh, but it would work better as it is singular, non-gendered word.

If you see a child learning to speak (and a lesser amount people immersed somewhere they don’t understand the language) there is a lot of frustration. I got the curiosity of your character, and the sadness as being so far from home. Some swinging over to frustration would have worked to tie in the new experience. If someone is learning how to speak you would expect issues with tenses, verbs and those little connector words ‘is, at, in, and, the, an, etc’.


"Stella feels like Tanabata when Kengyu doesn't make the trip. Raindrops and meteor showers."

“Stella feel as Tanabata when Kengyu not make trip. Raindrips and meteor shower”


“From eyes. What is.”

“Eye liquid (or juice considering all the fruit). What?”

Setting could have also been expanded. You’re on a world with new experiences and sensations, how does icecream taste? How does sugar and fruit taste? What are the other sights and smells?

Otherwise I found Stella a very interesting character. I think she’ll be great to watch develop and grow, both in abilities and history on Althanas.

[Philomel]

This workshop has been extended to be open until the end of the week, then rewards will be posted soon after.

[Rehtul Orlouge]

It’s been a long time since I’ve offered any sort of criticism on a thread, so if it’s not up to par, please forgive me. I will try to be as detailed as possible in my particular likes/dislikes of the thread. I’ll start with some basic overview stuff, and then get into specifics.

Overall, the thread was a very nice slice of life, which is what I tend to think of these kinds of threads as. It showed two people who have been together for a good little bit trying to work with one another for their group. More than anything, they seem lonely, though. It fits the mood of the thread quite well, however. Overall, I enjoyed reading it, and am glad to have looked at this particular workshop.

Now, let’s get into some specifics (please note I might end up echoing Doge, as some of our points may overlap).

I’m going to use what I remember of the rubric for this, so bear with me.

Story – Overall, I can’t complain too much. It’s a slice of life thread. Things happen, people talk, and life goes on around them. It’s a very basic thread style, and I think a nice break from the standard adventuring/fighting threads that permeate the site, so points there for both of you. However, I find I do not know much about the characters going into the thread, and this only gets more bothersome as time passes, especially when you start relating experiences that, personally, I had no clue about. The biggest glaring issue of this was when you referenced Ioder and Alyssa. How’d they meet? Why does that event particularly stand out in Vincent’s memory? Small, nitpicking complaints, sure, but things that you might want to look at.

Setting – Yeah, that was a bit of a problem for both of you. You spent a lot of time in the library, specifically, but very little of what the room looks like entered my mind at all. I had trouble visualizing most of the building in fact, even the rooms you actually spent time in. A little more about the environment would be helpful (though I’m being a tad hypocritical here as it’s also one of my own weaknesses). Smells, touches, sounds, even sights... I can’t picture even the main two characters of the thread in my head, because honestly, I have no idea what they look like. I could look at your character profiles, but that would take some time and effort, time and effort a reader really shouldn’t have to go through. Overall, just keep in mind that we on the reader side can’t see what you picture in your head if you don’t put it on the paper, k?

Pacing – It was quick, and very much your typical slice of life thread, a nice comfortable pace... right up until the last couple of posts. At that point, the pacing picks up exceedingly quickly to the point of making my head spin. Keep in mind this is just my opinion. The fault in the pace comes out around the same time as Stella goes into “you treat me like a pet, and don’t bother trying to understand me” mode. That mood shift, which I’ll touch on again in more detail in another segment, made me backtrack to see if I missed something, which altered the pacing of the thread drastically. A little easing into that over two or three posts, or even one post, would have helped that immensely.

Communication – This... would be a difficult one to Judge, if I were making scores. Overall, both characters got on with one another fine, and seemed to be able to intuit the other’s meaning pretty well with the limited vocabulary to work between them. The language barrier is a small addition that not many on Althanas lean on, which is actually quite intriguing and awesome to behold in its true splendor. I greatly enjoyed it, though I will echo Doge in saying that you perhaps had Stella learning Common a little too quickly, though that could be a result of time jumps that the reader was unaware of. Either way, please be careful with that. Aside from that small complaint, however, pretty well done.

Action – What little action there is in this particular thread is fairly well done. There isn’t really much going on, so from what I saw, you guys did a good job. Nothing spectacular, but good.

Persona – There was a bit of a mix and match going on with your posts, guys. You played your own characters well, and that’s a plus. Knowing your own characters well enough to be consistent with them is very important, and a skill I’m glad to say that both of you have. The problem comes mostly when you’re trying to control one another’s characters. You play them so differently from one another that it does come off as a bit disconcerting. It’s a minor issue, but perhaps asking each other for input on how your characters would act would have helped that a bit. Just a little idea that could come in useful later... Now, Star Strike, I’d like to cover the thing I mentioned back in pacing. Stella went from zero to incensed in less time than it took me to read a single line. While it is possible that she was set off by something that Vincent said, or just a lot of stress had finally built up and exploded, it could have been conveyed to the audience better, for example, by giving us some warning that her stress gauge is about to red-line in some form during your post. Aside from those two small things, I have very little to say about this, so let us move on!

Mechanics – There were a few grammatical issues, maybe a misspelling or two, and that one sentence that Doge mentioned at the top of his own post, but aside from that, there wasn’t really a whole lot for me to outright complain about. A decent effort. A little proofreading would have helped, but we all have those threads.

Clarity – I had no trouble at all understanding what was going on, so great job there.

Technique – Considering this was a slice of life thread, and not anything life or death, you guys did as was needed and kept the advanced techniques limited. Nothing outstanding, but it wasn’t particularly bad either. Again, slice of life thread, so I didn’t expect you guys to pull out the big guns anyway.

Wild Card – Eh, what can I say? These threads are a weakness of mine. I just love ‘em, so as I said in the opening, greatly enjoyed it, would read another like this in a heartbeat.

I hope my commentary has been helpful. Drago out!

[Philomel]

This thread is now CLOSED.
Rewards will be posted shortly.

[Philomel]

Rewards for workshop commentary: The Fault in Our Star (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29199-Workshop-The-Fault-In-Our-Star)

Rewards:

Doge: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17393-Doge)
240 EXP
32 GP

Rehtul Orlouge: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14301-Rehtul-Orlouge)
400 EXP
32 GP

DONE

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!