Vincent Cain and the Canine Cane Caper [Tarot Recruitment - Closed]

[Logan]

Closed to Cards

Out of breath, the psion slowed his run to a jog and then a walk. He peered over his shoulder three, maybe four times, checking for any cultists still hot on his trail. Thankfully, there were none.

With a few moments to catch his breath, Logan slid the straps of the backpack off his shoulders and unlatched the pocket as he continued walking toward the edge of the forest. His hand slipped inside and removed the artifact he’d been sent to retrieve.

A few months back, Logan had joined up with The Order of the Golden Dawn with the hope of eliminating those magically endowed items which posed major threats to the world of Althanas. His hope wasn’t born out of some desire to be a hero, although it played a small role in his decision. It was born out of a personal need to gain knowledge of and locate some of the most powerful artifacts to ever grace the world.

The Order didn’t provide him any information on any of the objects he was sent to retrieve, instead electing to offer only the bare minimum necessary to do so. The whole manner of how they handled the psion with baby gloves left him greatly disenfranchised with the group. Sure, their intent was on the right side of things, but how could he have possibly known that to be the case?

Ceidon, the man who brought orders to Logan whenever his superiors deemed the task necessary of his peculiar set of skills, had only offered up the location of the item -- just outside of the forest of Underwood -- and that the item was a cane. He offered no indication of the level of power or the reason why The Order desired the artifact. For all their lack of information, Logan still managed to retrieve it.

The psion gripped the cane in his hand and spun it this way and that. Bone, most likely a femur from a rather large creature, formed the shaft. Inlaid into the bleached bone were silver runes in a script he did not recognize. Atop the shaft rested a crimson-reddish hue formed of a Rywan-Liviol hybrid wood, and was also inlaid with more silver runes. It felt relatively weighty in his hand, and seemed to almost pulse with energy.

The echoes of shouts just outside his range ripped his focus from the artifact. The psion slipped the cane into his backpack once more, latched the pocket closed and set out toward his escape plan.

[Cards of Fate]

The Cane was gone, and the camp was empty.

Vincent Cain knew this without a trace of doubt in his mind as he strolled through the quiet trails of just outside Underwood. Leona told him this, and she was rarely wrong. In fact, his mission wasn't to steal the Cane, it was to recruit its thief.

Fate found funny ways to work sometimes. It would kill a few hundred people to galvanize heroes into saving millions. It would topple kind kings for cruel dictators in the name of balance. It would lead a good man to theft, and bring a scholar to a psion.

After several moments of silence in the viridian haven the scholar glanced around. Before him was a small clearing with a lone oak standing head and shoulders above the rest of the trees. Perched carefully on one of its branches was a small robin that would occasionally let out a warbling call.

“I’m assuming this is the place Leona?” Vincent asked as he strode forward, letting the sun reflect off his brilliant blonde hair. Silence filled the air for a moment, the scholar was alone and clearly could not be talking to anyone nearby. Then her response echoed through his head.

Exactly where the cards told me Vincent, good job! Proceed as planned. The cool voice of Leona Stevvains echoed through his mind in response and the scholar grinned slightly. He casually strode forward crossing the gap to the tree in a few moments before turning and leaning against the strong trunk. He stretched, let out a soft yawn, and began to wait.

After a few moments he heard the Psion hurry into the clearing panting slightly. Successfully outrunning the owners of his prize was a feat most could not match. He stopped for a breather, just on the other side of the tree from Vincent. Reaching into his bag the Psion produced the Cane. Vincent grinned slightly and began the plan.

“You have no idea what you have there, do you?”

[Logan]

The green of the tree tops seemed to stretch for a few miles ahead of the psion, but at least he managed to put some distance between himself and his pursuers. In the days leading up to retrieval Logan gleaned what little information he could about the worshippers of Njinali via local taverns.

Njinali was rumored to be a god who shifted when enraged from the form of an ordinary man to a wolf-like beast. Nobody the psion spoke to knew how the shape shifting occurred, and most locals seemed far to afraid to question his power or control over the cultists. It was just how Logan preferred it.

Everybody who held some form of manipulation over people did so to hide their own shortcomings. Pode hid hers by pretending to be unshakable. Her forces followed blindly assuming she was beyond reproach, but the Adventurers Crown and the purging of the Red Forest proved otherwise. She was every bit as vulnerable as any other on Althanas. The difference being she understood her failures and how to best overcome them. Or at least she thought she did.

As Logan's mind trickled through the events leading up to his finals days in the Red Forest, a voice seemed to come out of nowhere and snap him back to the moment. A blond-haired, blue eyed angelic man approached, but did not ready weapons. He pointed to Logan's pack and queried about the nature of its holdings.

"The real question here is do you know," the psion asked with a wry smile as his hand slipped inside the bag.

If the psion learned anything over his many years of manipulating others, he learned you can learn a lot by simply pretending to be more than yourself. Putting on a false front was quite possibly the biggest boon to one's survival. Confidence, or the appearance thereof, could shake mighty men to their knees by simply allowing their imaginations to run wild. If the newcomer knew of the power of the artifact, he might let slip the nature of its power simply by his responses or actions.

[Cards of Fate]

“I probably know more than you do…” Vincent responded as he took a step from his tree and waved slightly. “The name’s Vincent Cain, Cane aficionado. I collect some of the rarest canes in all of the world and you…” he trailed off as he pointed at the psion. “Have quite possibly the rarest cane I have ever seen.”

Logan faltered slightly. Something about the young man seemed off. His gaze seemed too cheerful as he strode towards the random stranger, hand outstretched to shake his. His grin danced between fake and genuine as the psionic debated whether an Angel or a Demon stood before him.

“Logan Mcloud, Cane Caper extraordinaire.” He greeted as he took Vincent’s hand. “What brings you to this neck of the woods? Surely not my prize?” The scholar feigned a frown.

“Unfortunately so my good man!” he muttered pausing for a moment. “I don’t suppose you’re willing part with that are you?” Logan let out a slightly amused chuckle.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Logan replied with a grimace. “Why would I just hand over the Cane I just worked so hard to steal?”

“Because I already snagged it out of you bag?” Vincent replied twirling his pilfered Cane in one hand as he vanished into a flash of sparks. At the edge of the clearing another flash of blue signified his reappearance only for him to blink away once more.

“If you need me I’ll be waiting at the Underwood inn waiting to talk!” He guffawed after him. “I have a bit of a proposition for you.”

[Logan]

The psion pulled the bag to his front and opened the pocket. His expression shifted from amusement to annoyance as the realization of what happened surfaced. Pulling a fast one on Logan McCloud was certainly not an easy proposition, but to do so out in the open in broad daylight was tantamount to highway robbery of the worst kind.

There was, of course, the lingering tinge of curiosity prodding at the back of his mind. Vincent Cain, whether that was truly his name or not, left Logan with an opportunity to return the favor. The only real question to be answered was whether the caned Cain held enough chutzpah to actually afford the psion the possibility of pulling his own fast one. There was only one way to find out.

===

Rain poured down as lightning crackled in the distance. The hooded figure wrapped his coat tighter around himself as the wind began to howl down the alleyway. Entering through the front door was certainly a trap, so it served to reason the psion would take the back entrance instead. In many ways, Logan's time as a drunkard travelling from tavern to inn and back again held certain advantages if one knew how to take them.

A light rap on the wooden doorway brought Vestuvius, the Underwood innkeeper, about. A small panel slid open and eyes peered out into the darkness.

"Password?"

Logan thought for a moment. Three years had passed since his last excursion to the Underwood inn, which was plenty of time to forget the password.

Oh hell, the psion chuckled to himself as a vague memory of a conversation fluttered to the forefront of his mind.

"Password," he said stifling a small giggle.

The door swung open with a heft nearly knocking Logan to the ground, but his quick reflexes allowed him enough leeway to maneuver safely away. Before the psion stood a barrel-chested olive-skinned man with his arms open wide expecting an embrace. As was his nature, Logan did not refuse the opportunity and the well-built older man hugged him tight.

"It's been far too long, Logan."

"Ves, you have no idea."

"I haven't been able to keep up nearly the same business without you here draining my kegs!"

The psion smirked and then shook his head.

"I'm sorry -- I really am -- but I'm kicking the habit. It was ruining me something fierce, Ves."

Vestuvius nodded in full agreement.

"Make no mistake, Logan, I'm glad to see you figured that out. I've never seen a more empty shell of a man, and I've seen plenty of shells."

The psion nodded before peering through the doorway.

"You wouldn't happen to have a patron walking around with a cane would you?"

The barrel-chested man looked over his shoulder back inside the inn squinting slightly.

"There are quite a few. Most folk these days have some ill or another, so it ain't outta the realm of possibility to see ten men in a day with canes for their awkward gait."

"This one, you'd know. Told me himself he was a fan of canes, like they were some collectible."

The older man's eyes squinted closed and then he rubbed at his temples.

"Come to think of it, there was this one guy who came in and showed off a couple of beauties. One wooden and one made of something not human. Both had to be worth upwards of a thousand pieces each."

Logan's eyes widened at the description. It sure sounded like the same bastard who'd swiped the artifact.

"Where's he at?"

Vestuvius shrugged.

"Hell if I know. He came and left a while back. But he left this for 'one who comes askin for him'."

The innkeeper handed over a slip of parchment upon which was written a note.

'Mr. Cane Caper,

I know you were expecting me in hopes of catching me off-guard, but you should know that will never happen. If you want to discuss this offer, and maybe have a chance to get your little prize back you'll need to find me. I'll leave you with only one small hint.

You'll find me in a place of stone,
Where silence cloaks the ground,
Search through all the empty names,
And surely then I will be found.

Sincerely,
The Master of Canes'

The psion blinked his eyes a few times as he peered over the note.

"That bastard is playing games with me? Well then, guess I'll just have to start playing my way."

Logan crumpled the note in his hand as it caught fire in his palm. Ashes fell to the ground among the drops of rain as the psion pulled his coat tight around himself again.

"Thanks, Ves. I owe ya one."

Vestuvius laughed.

"Logan, bud, you owe me way more than one. Just stay safe and let me know if you need anything."

The innkeeper smirked as he closed the door leaving the psion silent and alone in the alleyway. Lightning ripped through the sky once more followed by deep rumblings of thunder. If Vincent wanted games, then games he would get.

[Cards of Fate]

The psion found himself standing in the rain at the entrance to the Underwood cemetery. The scholar thought he was being funny, but now the Psion had him. There was no way Vincent was expecting him this early. Logan stalked silently through the graves as rain poured from overhead. His eyes scanned any nearby cover intently. The Cane Caper must be nearby, lurking in cover, waiting for his chance to laugh at him.

There would be no laughs tonight.

As if to affirm his thoughts a loud sob broke through the cacophony of rainfall. Logan’s ears picked up as he strained to hear. Chewing his lip he pulled his coat tighter to his body. Each footstep sloshed through muck and mud as he closed in on the source of the moans. Towards the end of the cemetery a large white monument stood silent vigil over a figure draped in black. The psion approached warily, taking each step carefully. Perhaps his foe had prepared from him after all? As he grew closer his eyes narrowed. Affixed to the statue in the gold was a very simple and to the point message.

Logan Mcloud: Who died before he truly lived.

“What is the meaning of this?” The Psion hissed as he rushed forward to grab the mourners shoulder. His hands slipped through a cloud of blue sparks as Vincent Cain appeared behind him once more. With a quick shove he sent his enraged foe staggering forward into the open grave before them.

“It’s quite simple sir. Those who are not in control of their own fates are not truly living.” The scholar sauntered forward to stand over his foe, laying six feet under. “And you, my friend, have yet to take control of your destiny.”

[Logan]

"Take control of my destiny? What do you know of my destiny," Logan yelled from the confines of his makeshift grave, but the only response was the boom of thunder nearby.

The psion closed his eyes and focused the essence around him. The rain water pooled beneath his prone form, and then levitated him up and out of the grave. Vincent was nowhere to be seen, but the caned one left Logan with quite the thought to ponder.

Very few managed to keep pace with the mental manipulations and machinations of the psion, but far fewer still ever possessed the alacrity to actually stay a step ahead. Every turn in their game saw the caned one with the upper hand, always with a response, and Logan was left without an answer.

My destiny, the psion returned to the thought.

Every journey in Logan's life led him along the path of fate's choosing. In no sense had he ever controlled his own destiny, yet before him lay the concept of exactly that as the key to unlocking the secrets of Vincent Cain, and perhaps something bigger still. All of that was fine and dandy, but what was the secret to taking hold of one's fate? He'd always believed his fate was sealed. From Philiantross, the demon who marked him, to Vice, the power group Logan helped form and run, every step was set into motion by some force larger than himself.

Logan needed answers, but he wasn't even sure where to begin. It was then he heard an all too familiar voice echo in his mind.

"You've always been my pawn, Logan."

The voice of Philiantross was as unexpected as it was disturbing. A long, long time before the psion bested the demon in a place erected in worship of Philiantross, and in turn the creature left the mark on Logan's forehead. As the years passed, he assumed the mark was merely a reminder, but the voice's return spelled something far more sinister. The psion would not be manipulated.

"I've NEVER been your pawn, you bastard!"

"You've followed the path I laid before you. You've become exactly what I intended all those years ago. You are not just my pawn, you are my disciple."

The storm raged around him and within him. If what the demon said was true, then he'd merely played fate's game assuming he was in control. Was it true?

"You may have laid out the path, but I always had my choice. I never once took the easy way out!"

It was true. Every step of the way Logan went the way of hardest consequences. It would have been simple to do what was easy, but that wasn't the psion's way. His way, the way he'd forged some time before, was to be steadfast in who he was, to trust in what he'd become, and to know he always chose for himself and nothing else.

"Before you again lay a choice, but you will invariably choose the choice I've prepared for you. You will do as I desire, disciple."

The psion closed his eyes tight and the storm around him fell eerily still. The rain drops frozen in motion, the entire area stuck in time.

"I will choose my own path, demon, and there is nothing you can do about it!"

Something inside Logan erupted, and all around the rain drops exploded outwards with such violent force the white monument split in half. Lightning crackled about the cemetary as the rain poured down violently. The psion lifted his hands into the air as the lightning passed overhead, and then mysteriously it stopped above his head frozen in time.

"This time...we finish this."

A maniacal and demonic laugh echoed throughout the graveyard.

How does one best fate? One simply chooses to do so, and for Logan the choice had been made.

[Cards of Fate]

Vince watched with a strange mix of concern, wonder, and amusement as the Psion had an argument with himself. It seemed that his bizarre nonsensical rambling about fate had inspired some form of epiphany in the man. He cocked his head to the side, “Is this how Leona feels all the time? Can she really see the future or does she just fuck with us and hope that it works?”

The thought sent a chill down his spine, which just happened to coincide with some strange maniacal laugh that was much too deep to come out of the Psion’s mouth. “That…” he paused. “Was some grade A weird shit right there.”

His right hand immediately went to his cane hanging at his hip whilst his other brushed the rain slicked hair from his pale face. He nervously chewed his lip for a moment before he clenched his eyes shut and willed himself to blink out of existence, appearing behind Logan in a flash of blue light.

“Excellent job!” Vince cooed, “You’ve passed the test my good man Now it is time to face your inner demons!” he adopted mock jazz hands as he spoke the last portion. After a dramatic pause he broke character. “Ok so what’s your deal bud? Ya got Drug issues or something? Possibly a sex addiction? Alcohol?”

“I’m being targeted by a Demon.” Logan replied nodding. “I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to kill him in order to take control of my fate like you said.” The scholar nodded for a moment, letting the man’s words sink in.

“I gotcha, a Demon. Easy peasy lemon squeezy…” he turned to walk away. “If you need me I’m going to be over here cheering you on from the sideli-” A crack of lightning announced the demons arrival, and it was far too late for the scholar to exit stage left. He grimaced and brandished his cane.

“Well, looks like you need an exorcism friend.”

[Logan]

“An exorcism for a demon, why didn’t I think of that,” the psion mocked Vince’s matter-of-fact manner. “Oh wait, I did, years ago. What do you take me for, a moron?”

Logan let the words slip from his mouth, and he just knew Vince would jump on it in a heartbeat.

“Well seeing as how I snatched the cane right out of your hand…,” Vince chimed in right on cue.

The psion muttered a curse under his breath something entirely incoherent.

“Well, fine, what do you propose we do for this ‘exorcism’ Mister Cain?”

Vince twirled the cane in his hand and then pointed the end at the psion, “Well, my newfound friend, I propose we exorcise your demons by -- ,” and then he paused. He actually hadn’t given that part any real thought, yet.

Logan waited.

“And…?”

Vince shrugged.

“Well, we rid your demon, of course, by killing it.”

Logan slapped his forehead.

“OF COURSE! IT IS SO BRILLIANT,” the psion shouted out as his patience grew ice thin.

Vincent thrust the cane into Logan’s temple, and it sent him falling backwards into the muddied ground. The Cane came crashing down into the fallen psion’s chest, easily fracturing a couple of ribs in the process.

“What the fuck, Vince! You trying to kill me,” the psion screamed questioningly.

“Nope, just the demon in you.”

Logan really had enough, and the entire graveyard shook and rumbled with a power the psion did not even realize he could tap into. Gravestones broke in half, and graves rippled with bubbled water. Before the psion realized it, the physical manifestation of his inner demon, Philantrioss, appeared next to Vince.

The small, impish demon took a swipe at the Caned One’s legs, and Vincent merely kicked him off...with such force the little demon slammed head-first into a crumbled gravestone.

The psion immediately reached for his head, writhing in pain, and a moment later so too did the demon.

[Cards of Fate]

The scholar glanced from Logan to the demon and then back to Logan, a wicked grin on his lips. He quickly grabbed the Psion and hefted him to his feet, pulling a dagger from his belt and holding it to his partner’s throat.

“Don’t move or the doofus gets it!” Vince spat. Logan froze in fear, and the demon quirked a head at him.

“Why do I care if he dies?” The demon asked.

“Because you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re tied to him. If he dies you die too, or at least get banished from this plane for a couple thousand years. And neither of yall want that now do you?” His blue eyes flicked back and forth from the terrified Psion to the Demon.

“What the actual FUCK!” Logan spat angrily. “HOW IS THIS EVEN REMOTELY A GOO-”

“Okay.” The demon said shrugging. “I guess you can have the guy.” The three calmed down, and Vincent released his grip on Logan. Several loaded moments passed before the demon grinned and lunged for Vince.

“HAH I BET YOU WEREN’T-” he was silenced as Vincent’s boot met his teeth. The scholar drove his heel into the demon’s jaw, crushing it into the mud.

“I KNEW YOU WOULD DROP YOUR GUARD!” Vincent roared as he stamped one more time. “Luckily I am well versed in the art of curb stomping a motherfucker.” he roared as he smashed his foot into the demon’s jaw a third time. Logan howled in pain and began to roll in the muck as the scholar smashed the demon’s skull open with his boot.

After several short pants, Vincent turned to Logan and shrugged. “Sorry about that...but I think you’ll live.” he offered the Psion a gloved hand and lifted him from the muck. “Why don’t we go back to the Inn and talk about how you can pay me back from freeing you from your demonic bindings….”

Logan stared at the scholar incredulously. “I owe YOU!?!” he roared. “I’ve spent the last twelve hours playing grab ass with you while you dicked about and then telepathically curbstomped my MOTHER FUCKING SKULL! WHY DO I OWE YOU SHIT?”

Vincent shrugged. “Hey, I’m paying for food and drinks.” The two met glances.

“I’m...listening…”

The two nodded and turned back towards town. This would simply be a rocky start to a beautiful friendship.

[Philomel]

Name of Judgement: Vincent Cain and the Canine Cane Caper (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29319-Vincent-Cain-and-the-Canine-Cane-Caper-Tarot-Recruitment-Closed)
Judgement Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Cards of Fate (herein "Cards") and Logan

Plot: 13/30

Story- 5/10
Both: Story itself was a classic adventure that clearly you both enjoyed writing. It carried itself well in terms of having good action, an interesting amount of tension that kept the reader interested. Overall, though, it was rather predictable, and though this maybe is something hard to avoid it really made it a little boring in some respects. The last bit with the demon also is really strange when the demon is terrifying, then shrugs and is altogether inconsistent.
Logan: You obviously worked hard at the beginning of this thread, trying to push some background into the piece with the commentary on Njinali and other small details. However, this power was altogether lost as you continued the thread, and wrote more and it became the main plot that was the focus and everything that was mentioned was forgotten. It would have been great to know the background of how Logan got the cane in the first place, and why it was so important, but this is mentioned really in the first post and not mentioned really again. Try in future to carry on your minor sub-plots as they can be as important as the main one.
Cards: There is a really good power behind your writing here in terms of story as obviously you enjoyed writing it, and that is encouraging. YOu have a really sharp start and a powerful ending that you write, but the middle is a little hazy.

Setting- 4/10
Logan: The one time I really felt the setting being brought out in your writing here was post 5, where you identified the weather, sound and even the make of the doorway ("wooden") adding extra small details that may be obvious, but add something interesting for the reader. Similar expositions do also exist, for instance in the beginning, but overall they are rather short and could do with a lot more depth. Try stretching out the description some and your writing will improve.
Cards: Definitely you reply more on character and action rather than setting to carry your story - though in this respect I can see you have improved in setting over time. There are small mentions of it, such as "quiet trails" in post 2, but really these are the bare bones that could use a lot more flesh to them. Don't be afraid about building up setting as you go, by adding more details here and there (such as, "he said as he kicked at a tuft of green grass") and by using all the various senses.

Pacing- 4/10
Both: All the comments here apply to both.
Overall this story was far too fast paced. The beginning, true, did start out slowly, and the tension built up with the action, but more or less it was far too much of a leap from talking (posts 4 and 5) to an abrupt scene change in Underwood that was very confusing. Your last three posts are far too rushed, leaving it a little unclear as to what is happening with the sudden appearance of the demon, but this is likely down to the fact that they were written quickly on Althanas Day. The posts are also a rather uneven length which makes it visually a little odd. Overall this thread could definitely have done with being perhaps twice the length, with a lot more steadiness and rise - though what you do have in basics is a good start.



Character: 17/30

Communication- 5/10
Logan: Logan has a steady way of speaking in tone, which adds to his strong sense of self. He uses similar sentence throughout his speech, which is really good as a base for adding to character. You could, though, make more use more pauses in his speech (punctuation with commas etc) to make communication more dramatic and purposeful and perhaps natural. (post 5 ""You wouldn't ... happen to have a patron" suggestion of inclusion of ellipses)
Cards: Vincent's speech is very casual for the major amount of time, extremely conversational in most situations. In some instances this can be a little strange, for it gives no adaptation for more formal situations, but in the case of this thread it mostly works. It shows as a little rough when he meets Logan for the first time, but perhaps this is just part of character. Mostly it is odd, and some of his words are unusual ("doofus" in post 10) at least for Althanas. A little more consistency will perhaps help you here, as well as some willingness to centralise his speech patterns.

Action-5/10
Logan: There is little to say apart from the fact that clearly action is important to you, as in consistency with the overall tone of this thread. Before in threads I have seen you use small habitual details that really have brought out more character than anything, but these are missing from this thread, with plot at the centre. Action is purposeful, but very blanketed and generalised. More description of how Logan speaks etc would have helped (such as "screamed questioningly" in post 5) would be a good direction to head from here, with use of adverbs and building on this.
Cards: Action is a good forte of yours in writing and always has been. Action is demanding of the reader to pay attention to it, and has consequences most of the time. Really you could definitely do with, like Logan, adding a lot more detail here to improve.

Persona- 6/10
Logan: There is something of the strong psion that comes across in the small fourth-wall comments that you make, such as in post 9 with Logan "paus[ing]". This is really strong, and proves that persona does not have to be in internal thought - though some of this example can always help. You made a really good effort here, hence the higher score in this section.
Cards: Obviously you loved writing this story, that was clear. Your enthusiasm cannot be denied as you have Vincent acting suave and then hard-core fighting the demon and proving himself to be a master of canes. He does change a little too much in personality for things to be taken somewhat seriously, but then perhaps this is not so much of a serious thread. There is not really anything in the way of internal thought that always really helps in persona, or any real definite opinion that we read with Cards. Try to add more of this in future.



Prose: 15/30

Mechanics- 5/10
Logan: Your mechanics are good, with a great grasp on spelling and paragraphing. Sentence structure, though, is sometimes messy and there could in general be more conjunctions (and, but etc) to make longer more complex sentences to improve your writing. Try to experiment further, also, with more ambitious punctuation and this could help you take it to the next level.
Cards: Mechanically speaking you have a good basis with paragraphing more or less down well and neatly, especially in concern to speech. However, quite often your punctuation is confusing and somewhat all over the place particularly amongst speech (e.g."he muttered pausing for a moment." in post 4, whereas it should be "he muttered, pausing for a moment.") There are numerous spelling errors also that can be amended with a quick read-over. More or less well begun but messy in practise.

Clarity- 5/10
Logan: You are good at bringing across all your plot points and pieces. Pacing mildly affected clarity for you here (see pacing) but else you wrote in a distinct tone that did not hide anything. More or less well done, just be cautious in future about not going too fast.
Cards: Clarity in terms of general plot was up and down. It started good but ended badly, where there was a great amount of rushing in the battle. Also, your unfortunate tangling of punctuation made the reader need to go back, which marrs clarity. In general the actual message and purpose of the thread was brought along well, and I could see where you were headed with most things, but you can definitely work in this area.

Technique- 5/10
Logan: With use of some adverbs scattered throughout you did make a good stab at technique. There is also some good beginnings of strong description ("the rain drops exploded outwards" post 9) but definitely could make use of more adjectives, similes etc such as "the rain drops blossomed outwards like a force wave" as a very simple example.
Cards: There are some really good descriptive moments, such as "rain slicked hair from his pale face," in post 8 that help the reader to envision more the scene before them that they are reading. A lot more of these moments, though, could be added, to add to your casual tone that makes the thread less of a serious story about personal suffering and changes it into more of a comedy. Try to add more linguistic techniques in future, and hammer home the more darker bits with a change in language and description and this will help to improve your writing greatly



Wildcard: 4/10

Wildcard goes to the pure enthusiasm in this thread. It was an enjoyable read, if nothing else.



Final Score: 49/100

Cards of Fate (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17720-Cards-of-Fate) receives:


1570 EXP!
50GP!

Congratulations!

Logan (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?51-Logan) receives:


1570 EXP!
50 GP!

Includes Althanas Day 3x EXP spoils

Congratulations!

[Logan]

EXP and GP Added!