Workshop:A Poisonous Look

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: A Poisonous Look (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29330-A-Poisonous-Look)
Name of Authors: Hysteria, Remedy
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 15 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 23/05/2014 (23rd May)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Cards of Fate]

Basic judgment time, let’s do this!

Strengths:

1.) You did a great job painting your background. From the initial mountain-scape to the poisonous fog. I never once questioned where you were and how that was playing a role in the story, especially the danger of the poison pit that Talon worked well to illustrate.

2.) I loved the persona I picked up from you two. Talen seemed like the “wet blanket” Remedy described and did a really good job of conveying the responsibility and maturity of his character despite his seemingly young age. Remedy did an awesome job at making me laugh and generally lightening up the tone of the thread with her offhand remarks and inner monologue. These both helped engage me as a reader and made the thread easier to read.

3.) Talen did an excellent job of telling me exactly why he was there and I often gleamed bits about past events and other characters. I never once questioned why Talen was doing what he was doing, and that really helped build your story.


A practice judgment for my training, hope you enjoy~

Weaknesses:
1.) You’re thread was a bit of a hard read. I never really felt terrible engaged as a reader aside from maybe one or two parts. Talen never felt like he was ever in any real danger and aside from a couple quips from Remedy the story honestly felt like it could have continued without her without any real consequence to the plot.

2.) I feel like Remedy’s backstory wasn’t fleshed out. Often I felt myself wondering why she was even there aside from something about selling the poison, which somehow transferred over the Talen. This whole subplot felt underdeveloped and very distracting.

3.) Mechanics and clarity. A couple cases of it’s and its being used the wrong way. Its is possessive, It’s is a contraction of “It and Is.” A couple cases of double words like “the the” that looked like you were editing and got distracted/walked away. You also have numerous instances where I had to reread your sentences to figure out what you were trying to say. A lot of this could have been caught with a word document or simply reading it out loud to yourself. These all detracted from the thread, and sometimes kept me from immersing myself in the story when I got lost.

[Hysteria]

Thanks for the feedback. I did want Remedy as a bit more of a cameo, and to appear bit more as a backdrop to a larger story, obviously that has its draw backs!

[Hysteria]

Moar feedback please!

[Garron]

Hello there, Hysteria and Remedy!


I'm going to pop this up during my lunch hour because I'll be busy plotting and writing other things later, and I don't want to forget.

It was nice to read something about your characters, for I'm still a newbie here and have been integrating myself into Althanas the past few months. I've been dabbling in some of the other sections, and figured I'd give the workshop a shot also. I'll try to be as helpful as I possibly can, but it may come off as stale. I hope you guys can learn from anything I have to say here; I know I'll be learning by participating.

The Cards fellow touched base on a few points I also picked up on. He did well with them, and I'll try not to bleed into too many of the same things he covered.


Overall the story was an interesting read. Both participating authors did a good job with pacing, although there was one point where Remedy backpedaled and repeated an action Hysteria put forth for Talen. That kind of veered me off, and I too had to back up and read over the content again to gain some footing. Actions of both characters per their creating authors did well to follow along with the pace of the story being told, so good job with that.


It seems to me that both authors are still in an infancy stage of collaborating with one another. You'll blend together better in time with getting to know each others writing style and flow. Both of you did well overall in this, but it's clear that you both are "dabbing a toe in cold water to better gauge the temperature of both parties before diving into too frigid waters" sort of thing. To further expand on this topic, both of you did well just after Remedy's intro to puppeteer the others character's, but all of a sudden a sort of 'bodysnatching' phenomenon took place. After that, you both strayed way off the path of controlling the others concept of the creator for their individuals character. Like, when Remedy was attempting to portray Talen, she switched up his personality to a completely different plane, and vice versa. Also, I know how difficult it can be for a third-person author to collaborate with a first-person author in their early stages, and although you guys were rocky in this area, you both did extraordinary in these early stages. If the two of you decide to expand as writing partners, I recommend following 'A Crimson (Re)Ascension' and watch how Lye (third-person author) and BlackAndBlueEyes (first-person author) mold to one another with their writing styles, or any other threads that blossom on this collaborating subject. I say keep writing together because the two of you do have chemistry!


Punctuation and spelling from you both were satisfactory overall. There were a few instances where mistakes were made in both areas. It seemed to me that this story was rushed from the beginning and simple errors were made that wouldn't of happened if you guys slowed down, and nurtured your story the way the great idea of it deserved. Slow down a little and try to proofread your posts before putting them up, and I know the little mistakes that were made won't be made again in the future. It was simple overlooking and excitement.


Setting and description were fair. I knew basically where I was and what I was picturing, but a little more care in this area will expand the experience of us readers. Especially us first-time readers. I enjoyed knowing what the acid smelled like, but more description of the area the characters are experiencing would be helpful. I also craved to know a little more about the characters themselves. What they look like, the clothes they are wearing at the time, facial expressions and body language, more personality and quirks... Help us newbies and veterans of Althanas understand the character a tad more. I usually glance over at the postbit for basic information, but I couldn't do that for Talen. I enjoyed how Hysteria integrated past events of Talen into this story. It did help me to understand what Talen had been through, and helped me piece together why he acts as he does. I also enjoyed how Remedy portrayed a little of the colorful personality her character has. It helped to lighten up the story, and it was fun to experience. Good job with both!


Also! What was that finger of smoke rising out of the acid about towards the beginning!? I'm so curious as to what was going on with that. xD Why didn't the acid smoke or react in some way other than simply devour Talen's flesh when his leg was engulfed in it, and why didn't Talen's back suffer the same fate when coming in contact with the acid? Was it something to do with Talen's tattoo on his back, or something protecting that area of his body?


Okay, I'm going to stop babbling now, but I hope I was helpful in some way to you guys with the few things I grazed over, and that I did this Workshop thing correctly. Good job to both of you, and I look forward to reading any future projects the two of you may collaborate on, or write on your own.

[Hysteria]

Thanks for the feed back, I'll have to work on how smoothly I change from one post to the next when I change characters (just me for both Remedy and Talen ^_^ ).

The fog was supposed to be just poisonous, while the acid, we'll was acid. I tried to hint at Talen back injury without being explicit. He died from the wounds, but regenerated to come back and save Remedy. Your question is a good one, I should have explained that better.

I drew attention to his back tattoo as it showed Talen as being a follower of N'Jal. N'Jal' symbol is a spider, so I wanted to link the symbolism of the spider, the fly and the bird together. At the start Talen is supposed to be seen as the fly, then at that point the spider. The calling sound is a hint that N'Jal is calling him, as she did for her other servant, the spider before the fungus took control. The tie off at the end with the bird eating the spider is open for interpreting. Remedy could be the bird.

The smoke trail, that is the ship that Remedy was on before it crashed.

I'm glad you said Remedy added some colour to the thread, that's why I brought her in. Talen is quite cold, so she was there to be more human.

[Garron]

I had absolutely no idea you were both characters. xD There it is right there on those cool little classic Final Fantasy esk card thingies plain as day.

That info helps me some with piecing the story together. It was nice to meet you through your work. I'm glad to help in any way I can, and it probably helps a little from a point of view that isn't familiar with your work. I'm not going to fill this thread with banter, but I look forward to future stories, and I'll see you around.

[Philomel]

This will remain open until the end of the weekend until specifically requested.

[Philomel]

This thread is now CLOSED. Rewards to be posted shortly.

[Lye]

Garron(18042):

300 EXP
150 GP

Cards of Fate(17720):
750 EXP
150 GP

This is double the actual amount for your insightful feedback and participation.

[Lye]

exp & gp added