Workshop: Fauns At Sea

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Fauns At Sea (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28354-Fauns-At-Sea)
Name of Authors: Philomel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 29 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 30/05/2014 (30th May)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Philomel]

Less than a week to go folks.

I know its a long one, but I would really appreciate some feedback on this.

[Garron]

Heya, Philomel!


I’d like to start off by saying that your story read like you had taken your time on it and your work outlined this brilliantly. You obviously did some research at some point in the vital areas that we readers do look out for that definitely added a genuine quality to the story. I wasn’t left wondering about certain elements which is a key to me as a reader.

The pacing in this thread was great throughout the entire story. The flow was consistent and didn’t make me feel like being tugged harshly at the end of a tether or being held back when wanting to move forward. Not at any point did I stumble with needing to backtrack a post or two to gain some sort of footing. When the Nightingale aspect was introduced, I did stop to wonder what that was exactly, but later on through the posts that question was answered without me having to dig for it. I thank you for that as a first-time reader.

You did well with keeping your main character and supporting characters genuine to their roles the entire time which can be hard to do in a longer thread story such as this. I wasn’t left wondering anything about who they were and what their place was in the story. I could of used a little more details such as body language, facial expressions, and particular individuals personalities shining through during particular scenes, though. Although the battle scenes were entertaining, I couldn’t help straying away from the main character as the story unfolded. The character Philomel kind of become stale and predictable to me as I read on. She come off as some invincible force, and it was hard for me to relate to that. She started to remind me of my playing an old Grand Theft Auto game with a God cheat activated through a Gameshark, or something. It felt like any bad thing to happen to her was forced in and not natural. A little more balancing would help. I did like near the end where she used cunning rather than fully depending on abilities or wiles to overcome diversity.

You did a good job with painting a picture with your words. I was given just enough to allow my imagination to take control and place myself into the world and action within it. The vocabulary you used to describe situations was nice to see and words hadn’t been repetitive. It definitely helped with keeping attention on the surroundings you painted for us readers. Putting a little more detail in this area would heighten the experience, though. I was so curious about certain things pertaining to both ships and a few other backdrop elements that would have helped the reader merge themselves into the world more so. Like for example: was the wood of the ships green (as in fairly new), or weathered with wear of being on the high seas. Was there a natural sweet smell to the wood, or was it wretched like mold? Had there been a vivid decoration that may be remarkable that would have been remembered? Just quick little inserts to help the reader envision things.

Sentence structure was great. There were hardly any mistakes I picked up on that may stumble up a reader walk through the story. Punctuation, spelling and a colorful use of vocabulary was impressive. There were a few spots where errors in this were made, but it wasn’t so much so that the reader was jogged off the initial flow of the thread. Like for example in the 3rd post: ‘Barely able to even hear the shouts of the Captain anymore Philomel sat there, legs still dangling...’ A comma between ‘anymore and Philomel’ would have been better. That pause is needed in situations like that. I think there was only two places where spelling errors were made. Like in the 5th post 1st paragraph to was used instead of too. Overall you did a great job.

I enjoyed how you used past experiences to help the reader define why Philomel is how she is as a character. It helped me as a first-time reader understand a little history and it added to the overall experience. The injection of a little Althanas lore helped intensify this aspect too. Great job.

This story was fun and explosive. I enjoyed taking the time out to read this thread, and it was nice meeting you through your work. I look forward to any writing projects that may arise from you in the future. I hope I was able to help you a little, and gave you some of the feedback that you were looking for. Take care!

[Drumheller]

It should be highly noted that this is my first such reviewing of someone’s work on the site, and thus, the level of detail and usefulness of the feedback is questionable at best. Furthermore, some of my comments will be from a listening perspective, which is admittedly of a different character from a viewing perspective. What follows therefore must be taken with a grain of salt. Finally, the comments in the second to the final paragraph are a bit more opinionated, as they are based more on me as a reader, or listener to be more accurate, and less on anything verifiable from a content perspective.

• With respect to setting you started out very strong, with respect to the sky in the first post, and the storm that followed, I had a good mental image of what was there. This level of detail drops off a bit, as time progresses, but not in any major significant way. You gave me enough detail to have a good idea of each significant seen, and let me have a little fun with my imagination. Only in your first fight was I not amerced in the setting, for the rest I was, and personally think you did rather well. I would even say for the most part I was, as the rubric describes it “immersed in a visible, dynamic, and interesting environment.”
•
• As for pacing, it was equally good, except for a couple of moments related to the early storm scene, which seemed to slow things down unnecessarily, The story seemed to have a good natural flow to it that kept me engaged. I felt that overall the events occurred at a fine pace with each moment in the overall narrative taking a reasonable amount of in-story time. The majority of the times you kept me guessing for just enough time to keep me intrigued, but never so long as that confusion could creep in. I like that in several scenes you opened with a point future in time and then backtracked to inform the reader what happened. All and all the pacing was very solid.
Character, was also solid. She starts off as an intelligent highly capable individual, and remains one that survives more on whit, than anything else. Her internal thoughts on magic serve as a fine exemplar of this fact. She had no qualms of using whatever was at her disposal in orter to meet her goals, but she wasn’t ruthless about it. With respect to secondary characters it isn’t so easy to judge, but that will be touched on more later. All and all, I’d say you did well here, not very well, but well.

• The communication was appropriate and believable for the most part. There are two possible points were I had a problem, but I will discuss them later, as they may be more a personal preference than an actual issue. With respect to action, I’d say that you maintained “A sense of realism, and worked relatively well with character and abilities.” I say that as I had a bit of a challenge following your first fight, and feel that it could have had a bit more description. There weren’t any major problems for the most part, but a little more picture painting would have been nice so that I could have followed matters a bit better.
Persona: the only thing I’ll say here is this was a very strong area. Emotions were depicted often and vividly, and to me this was one of your strongest areas. You showed the emotions of your main character and secondary characters often and in detail.

Clarity. As I mentioned to a certain degree earlier, the first fight was a little hard for me to follow, at least for the first listen through, how much is this a consequence of my screen-reader and how much actual writing, I cannot say. I shall not that this is the only, and I emphasize only, point in the narrative that gave me any difficulty. Otherwise everything was crystal clear as to what was happening to whom, and the sequence of events that followed from those happenings.

Technique. I like that you foreshadowed to an extent that the main character would be meeting her mother soon, and I was always wondering how she was going to appear in this story. I’ll admit, I was not expecting her to emerge as she did.

Now, as a listener, or reader if you prefer, there are two points that I want to draw attention to: the first, is I don’t feel that the scene where the one legged man came down to tell her how bad the storm did a whole lot for the narrative, and this is a point where matters dragged for me just a little, and kept wondering what his purpose there was. Perhaps you were trying to convey something there that I just didn’t get, who knows. I also would have liked if you perhaps hadn’t betrayed the sailors as quite as inept as you did, but that is more personal preference, over anything else. As I said previously, this is very much my opinion. All and all I enjoyed this story, and wait to hear what her plains for her new ship and how she will pay of her debts in future stories.

[Lye]

Excellent. Thank you for your contributions. This workshop is now closed with EXP & GP to be added shortly.

Both of you receive:

580 EXP
&
290 GP

for your excellent contributions (which is double the standard award) in light of the thread length and lack of overall participation.

Grats you two! I look forward to future feedback on other workshops.

[Lye]

exp & gp added