Workshop: A Thief In The Night

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: A Thief In The Night (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29291-A-Thief-in-the-Night)
Name of Authors: BlackAndBlueEyes and eXgTurbostar
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 11 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 6/23/2014 (23rd June)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Lye]

About two more weeks for this Workshop. Feel free to provide feedback for some easy EXP & GP!

[Drumheller]

I will be fully following the guidelines of the general rubric, including the application of actual scales, as well as personal points of analysis. Since two individuals contributed to this thread, I shall be reviewing it twice, once for each individual.

eXgTurbostar, as you were the larger contribute to this tale, I shall begin with you. I have been informed that you are not a native English speaker, which means that some of the errors are understandable. Thus, while I am going to make a few comments related to this area, I feel that you are to be commended for writing in a language that isn’t one in which you are most familiar. I’m doing this now, to reinforce certain language characteristics of which you might not be readily aware, to provide you with the greatest level of feedback possible, and to get the part that I have the most critiquing out of the way first. I should mention, that I am working under the assumption that this thread was written from a computer of some kind, and not a portable device, such as a phone, or I-pad. One final comment before I precede further, these errors were not to such an extent that took away from my understanding or enjoyment of the story, I cannot emphasize that enough. Still there were several typographical errors, of a relatively common variety. Some of which I will mention below, as examples.
“So far the road was pretty uneventful, except for some small foxes and a boar that were unfortunate enough to cross their path, now the boar was being cooked at an open fire…”

It should be “an open fire.
“who was standing besides her peering the roasted pork and wiggling her tale “

It should be beside, no “s”.

“I don't know why would you need to eat. “

You need one more period to make it a true ellipsis, and for me this either needs to have a question mark, or a comment that this is a rhetorical question mentioned. It would make more sense, to me, given the last statement in the paragraph.

I noticed a few other such errors, but am not going to point them all out. Most of these errors were minor ones and could be easily overlooked in following the narrative.

With respect to story, I feel that a fine job was done here. The story has a definite flow, a natural progression through time; the narrative utilized good general archetypes and remained true to those archetypes throughout. With respect to story, I would score it as a 7, as a solid understanding of narrative elements was demonstrated.

With respect to setting, you did a good job in both describing and utilizing setting as a part of your story. It was as vibrant and integral a feature to the overall account, as the character’s actions. While I can’t say anything on the various maps you posted, as that is beyond my ability to assess, differing terrain was explored in this narrative, and the elements of which were utilized correctly in expressing important aspects of the events being betrayed. Utilizing the scale of the rulebook I would also give this section a 7.

Pacing. At first the passing of this narrative was excellent, there is a natural flow of individual sections that separates the tale nicely; each series of events more-or-less comes forth from that which precedes it, and moves steadily to the next. We had the introductions, the first attack in the woods, the break in, the capture, and then the escape/ obtaining of the books. The internal speed of the work ebbed and intensified with a regularity that well fitted to this kind of account. The only complaint I have, is that it seemed to end a little abruptly, and to a small extent, the final fight felt unresolved. Now this last could be easily utilized as a hook for another narrative, but as it stands right now, my conclusion stands, so I’d give this area a 6.
Communication. The dialogue, both internal and external, was sensible; befitting the characters portrayed, and at no time deviated from the general role each character was meant to play. Your main character remained a bit smug throughout, despite the various circumstances, the elf was the usual highly overconfident superior minded elf wizard, and even your familiar, had an heir of self-satisfied pride at times. The internal dialogue, which conveyed the whole idea that this was a past remembrance to someone that the main character knew, was equally entertaining, especially with the teaser about the plant. I would say that you have a solid grasp of communication.

Action. What I said above for communication applies equally for action. From the beginning in the bar, where you describe the attempts of your character to develop a certain degree of dominance in the tavern, to the various fight scenes, to your inevitable smash and grab, the actions made sense to me. The only exception that I encountered was the part where some of the elf’s hired guards turned tail and ran, just from a look from your main character. I’m a bit unsure about what happened there, but this miner issue doesn’t, overall detract from an overall solid use of action.

Clarity. As I have sort of mentioned my two negative points previously, I’ll be brief here. The dialogue between the main character and her familiar was a bit unclear, and there were also some aspects of the final fight that felt a little muddied to my understanding, but these were the only two points that I had difficulty in following. They were not severe, not by any means, but to be honest, I felt that the story could have been better if some additional clarity was brought to bare in these two situations.

Wild card. Now, I don’t know that this was intentional, but for the most part this felt like a story that could have come right out of that old fantasy magazine “Weird Tales.” I mean you channeled an almost Conan level of almost arrogant mercenary thief that made me think of the barbarian, sort of a twist on the “Tower of the elephant.” Now, I rather like Howard, so I mean this as a complement. Given that this was written sort of as a remembrance, I know that the character wasn’t in any real danger and could just sit back and see how she got of the trap she got herself into. I liked that it was altimetry the lion that got her out of that one. I also really liked the teasers. The plant that we don’t know exactly what it is, the noble heritage not fully explained. The skills her father taught her, which were meant for something other than their actual use. All of these combined with your other strengths made this a very entertaining, and very easy listen to.

Black and Blue eyes:

With respect to Story, the passing was appropriate for an introductory sequence, and helped to describe the conditions for the rest of the story. It helped to squarely set the tone.

Character. Both internal and external dialogue was completely appropriate for both the character and the situation. The character was betrayed as a skilled manipulator, fully in keeping with what one would expect, given the comments related to the organization she works for and her role in said organization.

Mechanics. While my spell checker claims there were some misuse of reflexive pronouns, following its advice would have made things less clear. Everything was, for a listening audience, clear and concise, and neatly packaged as to why you wanted to hire a mercenary.

Wild card. I liked the fact that you informed the audience early on, as for your reasons for wanting to hire someone, as it was something that was present from the moment you mentioned waiting for someone. I also liked how you utilized your characters abnormalities to help sell your cover story. Finally, I liked the way the two of you, interacted in the beginning. All of which combined to make for a good listen to. I look forward to hearing more from both of you, individually and as a pair.

[matthewkuch]

Hey guys, this is primarily geared towards eXgTurbostar, sorry Andy. eXgTurbostar, as Drumheller said, great job with this thread, especially since you are not a native English speaker! I really commend you for your work on this thread. It was a very enjoyable read and I hope to see you and your writing improve as time passes! I would be excited and pleased to read anything else of yours that you may write.

This is just a little bit of commentary, I hope it will prove beneficial to you and that you may find some use in the advice. Again, great job.


Plot:

Storytelling
Storytelling mainly shows the why, and the how of the piece. The character never entirely established a significant reason as to why she was carrying out the task other than the fact that she is a mercenary and she wanted money for alcohol. One good rule of thumb is for the writer to somehow incorperate the story into his character’s history in one way or another. Nevertheless, it was a nice story and enjoyable to read.

Setting
It is important to describe a rich setting with many details when writing. If too little detail is added, the reader pictures the characters in a lacklustre setting, or a place that has holes in description. If too much detail is added, the reader struggles to make his way through the story. The story could have used a bit more description of the setting, the surroundings especially, with the use of sensory details. What did the rooms look like, were they dark? Light? How did they feel? Were they damp, cool, abnormally hot? What did it smell like? Musty? The wonderful smell of wine and roasting meat? Did the wine barrels smell like wine or were they growing mold? What was it like to be rolled around in the wine barrels? Etc.

Pacing
All in all the pacing of things seemed to be very well. Events flowed smoothly from one to another without extreme holdups or complications. The writer(s) did a good job in this area.



Character:

Communication
Communication is a way for the writer to reveal more about his character through their life. Most of the communication in this selection was written very well and held fast to the characters’ personalities. A writer should also keep in mind; however, that communication is not only in what the characters say, but also in what they do not say. A character can tell a lot about his personality if he leaves out a key part of a story or even lies about something.

Action
Action is a great way for the writer to reveal valuable information and aspects about his character by showing and not telling. In traditional expository writing, the writer tells the reader everything that he needs to know, but the beauty of narrative is that the author gets to show the reader things. A proud character, for example, might stick her nose in the air or roll her eyes at those they see as lower. A sad character might hang his head and blink back tears. Most writers forget to transition from expository writing to narrative, and inadvertently tell the audience almost everything. This is a valuable skill that should not be overlooked. In this thread, there could have been a bit more showing than telling but it was decent for the most part.

Persona
There was some great character development here. Not much was revealed about the character’s emotions, but a little bit of her thoughts and intentions were revealed in the piece. Most of the details that were revealed were through communication and action, but it is a great start for the character.



Prose:

Mechanics
Be careful when writing to remember faulty coordination. Independent clauses are the strongest part of sentences, and should only be reserved for the most important information. Subordinate clauses and phrases are there for holding information that is less important than or adds to the main idea of the sentence. Faulty coordination is when information is misplaced according to importance in a sentence. Example: “She takes a quick glance and lets out a disappointed sigh then directs her attention towards the main reason of her presence in that particular tavern.” Is the woman’s glancing and letting out a sigh more important than her directing her attention towards Maddison? Her glancing around is currently the independent clause which sounds awkward and misplaced. Consider shifting the independent clause and changing the first part into a subordinate clause or a participial phrase. Example: “Taking a quick glance and letting out a disappointed sigh, she directed her attention towards the main reason of her presence in that particular tavern.”

Clarity
One must be careful when using personal pronouns such as ‘he’ or ‘she’ if the two subjects referred to are the same gender. When talking about the subject of a prior sentence with a personal pronoun when the subject of the first sentence was a personal pronoun, it becomes very unclear as to which subject the writer is referring to.
Example: “'She's definitely is hiding something.' was the thought that crossed her mind as she observed her black outer outfit. Unlike her own the woman's were... old fashioned?” The personal pronouns “she” and “her” were used 5 times in two sentences, while referring to two different female subjects. This can greatly confuse the audience, and the writer should be careful and keep this in mind.


Technique

All this time the blonde's been increasing the force put in her grip around the ale mug and after she muttered those last words, the mug finally gave up to the pressure and broke into small pieces all over the table
Keep in mind that “blonde’s” is talking about something that belongs to the blonde. This is called “possessive case.” To properly convey the idea, the writer must use a helping verb for the form of “to be” such as “has” or “had.” This sentence is also a bit wordy and weak in terms of description. There is nothing necessarily wrong with it, but stylistically it is very weak. Sometimes more words don’t always mean better writing, the “less is more” proverb can adhere to this situation as well. Remember that verbs are some of the strongest words in the English language, and which verbs you chose can be the difference between a powerful piece that somebody will remember, or a weaker attempt at such. Adjectives are important as well, but don’t neglect adverbs which are also strong in describing a verb.
Watch how the sentence can be rephrased with more description in less words: “As the employer spoke, the blonde gripped her ale mug more forcefully with every word that was said. When Ariel muttered those last words, the mug shattered, sending shards all over the table.” It is easy for the writer to get excited and add many sentences together but one should not forget the importance of breaking up sentences to avoid run-ons. One complex sentence and one simple sentence is sometimes a better choice stylistically than a compound complex sentence that sounds rather awkward. For a nonnative speaker, however, the piece was written very well.



Wildcard
Wildcard here goes to the white lion as a familiar. That was very interesting

[Philomel]

This thread is extended until the end of the week and then will be closed and rewards calculated.

[Philomel]

Thread is CLOSED.

Rewards will be posted shortly~

[Philomel]

Rewards for Workshop Commentary for a Thief in The Night (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29496-Workshop-A-Thief-In-The-Night).

Drumheller (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18299-Drumheller) is rewarded:
165 EXP
22 GP

Matthewkuch (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17109-matthewkuch)is rewarded:
440 EXP
22 GP

[Lye]

Experience and Gold added.