Workshop: Prerogative

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Prerogative (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29556-Prerogative)
Name of Authors: Ioder, Tobias Stalt and Cards of Fate
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 20 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 7/11/2014 (23rd June)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Drumheller]

Note. I will be following a slightly different format for this one, given certain writing dynamics, and given that this will be my first review of a thread involving more than two writers. I shall therefore, be giving general overall comments, for each section, only making comments to individual writers where I feel it is necessary.

Story:

Storytelling. In a word, excellent. I personally can’t quite decide if this was meticulously planned between the three of you, that you managed to have such a wealth of knowledge about each other from repeated interactions, or the three of you are secretly telepathic, and this is the bond between the three of your minds in action (joking, sort of). The interaction between individual characters is so tight that I had to remind myself that three people were writing this. I like that the general character of the narrative flow shifts from Ioder being the main director, to Vincent in part and then back to Ioder. By this, I mean, that he appears to have the largest impact on scene shifts. In every case I was provided with more than ample information for determining relevancy here. I wasn’t left guessing why what was going on, went on. I understood why the characters were interacting with each other, and what was trying to be achieved with regards to the actions of Ioder and Vincent with respect to Tobias.

Ioder. I must admit up front, that this is the first thread involving Ioder that I have listened to. Meaning that I knew nothing about Ioder beforehand, and it…did…not…matter. You give the listener a strong snapshot of Ioder right from the get go. Second, you establish an important relationship between individuals that serves as an excellent saidway into describing Ioder for your audience. You quickly gave me the listener a snapshot of a number of Ioder’s characteristics, and provided me with an important element of the main plot, in the very first paragraph. The theme of the story was established, but it was done in such a way that the listener, or at least I, wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen next. Still, I had a stable plot from which I could follow the rest of the narrative having a good launch point to start from. One of the great elements of mystery here, is that the listener was never sure from the first post onward, exactly how much of the foretelling, or premonition was new to Ioder, and how much Ioder was simply keeping close to the chest. This fact, helped to give the story a much more original flavor than one, or at least I was expecting, given that I have encountered these types of stories before.

Vincent. Your intercession came out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting it, I wasn’t prepared for it, and I liked it. It made perfect sense after listening to it, why it happened; it’s just that I wasn’t expecting that the intersession would be made before it was made.

Tobias. You actually almost had me thinking for a moment that Tobias was going to walk out on everybody. Trust me, that level of convincing isn’t easy.

If I was judging this, which I’m not, I’d give this a 9.

Pacing. The flow of the narrative is also very good. We start off slow, speed up in the middle, and slow down some for Tobias and Vincent’s conversation, and end as slow as it was in the beginning, having reached the resolution of the main issue. The transition of scenes, as the pair moved setting to setting throughout the compound followed a natural progression that felt almost organic in the way it had a kind of cadence to it. The listener leaves the kitchen, the listener moves through part of the compound, the listener enters the training room, the listener takes a seat and listens to the dialogue, and finally the listener enters a room that serves as a medical facility. I say the listener moves, because this is how it sounds, you move, and I move with you. You sit, and I take a seat with you. You drink my cider, and I feel that I could have reached out and grabbed somebody’s cup.

If I was judging this thread, I’d give it a 9.

Setting. Now, we come to my only chief complaint of this thread with regards to story, it might not have been so major if the rest of the thread wasn’t so good. In the beginning, the setting is described rather vaguely. Up until we enter the training facilities, all I know is that the compound is of a size to have its own kitchen. I know it’s crowded, but that’s really all I know. I know nothing else. This issue is made all the more apparent when we get near the training area and it is described in detail. I can see the training facility in my mind’s eye, I can smell the bioluminescent moss, I can feel the polished floor beneath my feet, and I can hear the sounds of the student’s training. While I could hear the crowded nature of the place before, it’s nothing like the training facility in its description. Now, I know that most of the important events in this thread take place in the training facility, with the medical room coming in a close second, but to me (heavy emphasis here), if you described the surroundings in the beginning a little more, the description of the training facility would not have stood out as much. You’re solid, verging on masterful, but not quite there.

Character:

Communication. Gorgeous. The dialogue between the three of you was very believable.

Ioder. You portray Ioder’s still coming into his foretelling abilities extremely well. You showed his uncertainty in his role in the organization, his doubts regarding information given to him, and his on internal conflict related to Tobias’s actions. I bought tis completely.

Tobias. You sold me on Tobias’s frustration over being left in the dark about matters related to him and the organization. You demonstrated his initial feelings that leaving was the best outcome for him, and up until Vincent took over, you showed him to be literally on the brink of doing exactly what Ioder was trying to keep you from doing.

Vincent. While we didn’t get into Vincent’s head as much as we did with the others, his scholastic character shown through as bright as a flood light on a rescue chopper. I particularly liked the misdirection comment.

Actions. They were fluid, they were dynamic, and they made sense. There’s a part of me, a small part of me, that thinks it would have been better from a storytelling stand point for one of Ioader’s attacks to have made it through Tobias’s defense, but I might be nitpicking here. Both communication and action warrant nines.

Prose
Mechanics. Yes, I know some of you wrote this on your phone… probably wrote this on your phone. Still, if I want you guys to wrake me over the coals when it’s my time, I’ve got to do the same, when I feel it’s warranted. There were a few mechanical issues I noticed while listening to this. The most notable, two were: “the after him” and “That’s entirely not true,” Ioder said closing the entrance behind him. The hall was love and oval in shape…” This statement was a bit jarring, and after listening to it several times, I’m still not sure what was meant here. There were a few other typographical issues that I noticed, but these were the most evident. Unfortunately, these errors did also impact clarity. Not a lot, but there were a couple of points, where the listener had to work at trying to make things clear. These pair of points didn’t detract from the overall narrative in any majorly significantly manner, but they were easily observable.

Of all the sections, this was your weakest. It wasn’t so weak that it took away from the narrative in any significant way, but there were points where I did have to re-listen, to try and get the intended meaning. In one case, I’m still not sure what was intended.

[Ashla]

Alrighty, here we go! Ashla is judging a thread...
This will follow the condensed rubric. Story, Character, and Mechanics will be covered, and followed with a wild card.

Story:
At first, I wasn't all that interested, but I was quickly pulled into the whole thing. The plot would appear simple enough, everyone wants Tobias to stay in the Tarot but Tobias himself. Ioder and eventually Vincent are able to slowly convince him to stay through fighting, medics, and one or two jokes. I never expected a fight to break out in this thread, and the fight was very well done. I was surprised when Tobias actually decided to stay, and even more surprised when he and Ioder managed to speak somewhat peacefully at the end. The story was nicely paced, the only time it seemed rushed was the introduction. Ioder is beating eggs, then he decides to walk up to Tobias in an instant? Aside that, everything was paced nicely.
There did seem to be a lack of setting. I understood that there were sparing rooms and medical stations, but descriptions on those places did seem void. I did enjoy small details like the crowds Tobias had to go through, more details like this would give a reader better understanding of the world around them. I'm struggling with setting myself, so I know how hard it can be. Keep working at it, you'll do great!


Character:
Oh, Tobias Stalt, former Alerar soldier, former refugee running for dear life, witch hunter, and now a member of the Tarot (sorry if I missed anything.) I could really feel for the poor guy in this thread, his reasons for not trusting Ioder and the rest. His desperation not to be made a pawn again hit me in the feels. Tobias, you did an excellent job with everything concerning your character's plight. Amazing job! I was confused though when you said Tobias wasn't bothered by crowds, but later hinted he was. Try to be more consistent in those areas. Now that Stalt appears to have a stable home, he will hopefully become that great person envisioned by his superiors.
Ioder, you also did magnificent works with your character! Usually, when someone is told to do things a certain way, or that some random guy is going to do great things, that person would follow their leader. I enjoyed seeing Ioder, an angelic being who's lived how many years, sort of take things into his own hands. He flat out tells Tobias what he thinks, even though his superiors think otherwise. Maybe, just made, it was something Tobias needed to hear? I don't know. Either way, I applaud your work with the Seraphim! Keep it up!
Not much about Vincent is revealed in this thread. Where you did take him, Cards of Fate, you did a good job. He's a mentoring type figure, and he was able to jab Tobias in a place that unnerved him: his darkest secret. Tobias does though mention that he grew up, but how? For someone who has no idea where Vincent may have been in the past, this can raise multiple questions. Still though, you did a nice job.
I also loved everyone's work with the NPCs, especially the uptight Kyle! I let out a loud laugh when he had to be pulled out of the room! Overall, you guys did a great job!


Mechanics:
Mechanics were nicely done. There were one or two grammatical mistakes here and there, like not capitalizing the beginning of a quoted sentence, but I really didn't notice anything. Nice job!
I enjoyed the way this story was carried out. The pacing, already mentioned above, was also well done. There was enough technique to keep me engaged, however, I will say again that the story had a weak introduction. Still, the way you guys wrote this was able to keep my interest.

Wildcard:
Tobias and Ioder, you guys did a tremendous job in this thread! I loved how you portrayed your characters, and especially loved the fight scene. It was fun watching them sit down and talk in the end, and this hopefully is the start of a shaky fun filled friendship.
Cards of Fate, you did leave unwanted questions, but you also did a great job! Vincent's cameo was well played out, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Overall, you guys provided a fun, but still serious and heart plucking, thread! Just pay attention to adding more details, especially in setting: and remember not to leave any unintentional plot holes. Well done, all three of you!

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Let’s see if I can’t word this how I want to... I liked this thread. It’s giving me more insight into the Hierarchy than I previously had, and it’s good to know that the story of the PG is going to grow from this point forward. With that being said, let’s jump right into my specific criticisms and praises.

Storytelling (7/10): I’m going to be as quick and succinct as I possibly can on this particular topic, as I honestly don’t have much to say. This story fits nicely into a much larger narrative, but also reads easily on its own without me having to know exactly what happened in previous threads. All in all, a good read, and I enjoyed what you did with the story, limited as this particular set of character exchanges might have been.

Setting (5/10): So... yeah. This was lackluster at its finest, and reminds me waaaay too much of myself. As this was a very character driven thread and less about the actual battle than the meaning behind the battle, and thus the meaning behind each attack, with no one actually making any use of, nor noticing the setting, I can forgive it. Try to focus more on what’s going on outside of the exchanges and it’ll push you a lot further. A little goes a long way, believe me.

Pacing (6/10): I had some slight problems with this, which I will cover down in Persona, since it directly affects this. What I will say is that the pacing is solid, very solid, except in one small area, which I will cover in detail in Persona. Aside from this one glaring (to me) issue, I would have given this an 8. Just letting you know that now.

Communication (9/10): By far your highest score. Despite the hiccup in Persona, the dialogue, the communication, the body language and every other means of communication was done masterfully. I feel you could have done very little to make it better, but there were some points when you communication faltered, not immeasurably, but enough to prevent a perfect score. I particularly liked the exchange between Tobias and Vincent at the end of the thread. I didn’t see it coming, similarly to Drum, but I liked it nonetheless.

Action (7/10): There was a lot of action here, and it was moderately well done. Aside from making sure that the reader isn’t confused by the actions your characters take, there isn’t much for me to really say in terms of what you need to improve on. I’ll explain a little more in Clarity, which this affects much more than your action score.

Persona (6/10): Tobias and Vincent, for the most part, you two did great, keeping your characters’ personalities firmly in mind and constant. I appreciated that. Ioder, I hate to single you out, but there was one glaring issue in the writing that I found infuriatingly confusing. Why did Ioder snap so quickly when all Tobias wanted was answers?! Secretiveness is one thing, but he was purposefully withholding information and basically taunting Tobias with it. Did he not expect the man to feel like he was little more than a pawn, or to demand answers when (apparently) all of his questions about his purpose for being there had been rebuffed by Leona’s “you’ll know when you need to know” mentality? If he’d gradually gone from calm to infuriated after trying to defuse the situation by explaining that he was unable to tell Tobias what he wanted to know, then it would have made more sense. The abrupt jump from calm to angry just... It threw me for a loop. Aside from that little groove jump, though, your persona was very solid, so don’t let it get you down.

Mechanics (8/10): I noticed few grammatical errors on the part of anyone, so good job there. A little proofreading will fix everything else.

Clarity (6/10): The abrupt start and end to the fight between Ioder and Tobias was a little cloudy and murky for me. It didn’t seem to start or end organically, if you guys catch my drift. Aside from that, though, I understood pretty much everything in the thread. Just that one small issue.

Technique (5/10): I honestly didn’t see much technique that would stand out as “advanced,” but the writing was solid and simple, so you get a good, middling score there. This thread didn’t really need advanced techniques much, so you guys made the appropriate decision.

Wild Card (6/10): Eh, I enjoyed it, what else can I say?

[Philomel]

This thread will stay open for a further week, and then rewards posted.

[Philomel]

This thread is now CLOSED.

Rewards will be posted today (hopefully).

[Philomel]

Rewards for Workshop Commentary: Prerogative (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29581-Workshop-Prerogative)

Drumheller (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18299-Drumheller):
300 EXP
40 GP

BlueGhostofSeaside (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16205-BlueGhostofSeaside):
800 EXP
40 GP

Rehtul Orlouge (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14301-Rehtul-Orlouge):
500 EXP
40 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added