A Rose Withers

[Ashla]

Closed.



Once again, the transitions between two climates, two worlds, was uncomfortable and hard. In this case, the switch between a freezing Salvar and basking Fallien took whatever wind was out of her left. She entered a camp a different person than the person she was. Thankfully, no one noticed her in the night. Good thing, could those people bare seeing their strong, courageous leader like this? She felt like Ashla Icebreaker was dead, left behind with all those bodies this shell of a girl slew. She had killed everyone that day but the one she was after...

If this young woman was not named Ashla, who was she then?

She left sand prints behind her as she trudged into her green tent, broken. The brunette unclipped her equipment, letting everything fall to the floor, then fell onto her sleeping mat. She had not the strength to weep, she was too depressed to even use her inner energy for tears. She quickly drifted off in a horrid sleep.

The woman was quickly awoken by the sound of someone entering the tent. The sound of a man with an elegant accent pipped up, "Oh- Milady, you have returned."

The young woman gave her personal assistant no reply. She could tell by the sudden tingling in her body that he was looking at her though, "You look terrible. Shall I lay out some fresh clothes for you?" A sound of disgust escaped him, "You really do need it, ma'am..."

The girl blinked, dead eyes facing the other side of the tent. She finally let out a cracked word, "Yes."

She heard the man walking around the room, then heard the light thud of a set of clothes on her mat. She was hoping that Daisuke would leave now, but of course, he didn't....

"I take it things did not go to plan?"

Ashla felt herself choke up, Daisuke had advised her against going out there. "Do you think Julius would like to have seen you like this? Milady, I understand you want-" "-Julius isn't here to judge me on that!

Ashla sighed, "So I was... not so right..."

She heard the man sadly sigh, "You're not a child anymore, Ashla, but you're still young."

Ashla was surprised when he said no more, simply stood up to walk away. After he left, Ashla let out a small sigh. She felt terrible, and did bear several physical wounds this day. Her shawl was gone, and from the knee down her right legging was torn. A tear was made across her shirt, at her waistline, but it was small. She had dry blood splattered everywhere... the girl laid for another moment or so, then turned over to see her dark blue outfit.

Ashla finally sat up and began to change. Her movements were slow, a lack of energy causing her to even blank out from time to time. She felt exhausted, dirty, and hopeless...

If I can't kill him how can I bring peace to Althanas?

[Ashla]

After finally getting a fresh suit of clothes on, Ashla washed her hair and face before exiting the tent. Her eyes had been closed most of the time, so she did not see her reflection clearly. As the half elf stepped outside, she reflected. The replay darted through her mind of what had happened. She had killed so many, she probably looked like a mass murderer over in Salvar.

Yeah, probably.

At last, waves of guilt caved in. The young woman closed her eyes, trying not to cry in her self resentment. Ashla felt different now. Yes, anger was settling under her skin like molten rock under the planet's crust, but something still felt off... in her emotions...

Ashla did not feel like Ashla anymore.

The Icebreaker shivered, despite the beams of sun crashing down on the camp. She had been hit pretty hard on the head at a point in her fight against the authorities. It was only because of her numbness and durability she had - barely - stayed conscious. The ship ride back was ten times worse, she had a series of seizures and the ship's doctor had said that, somehow, she hadn't had a concussion.

The Icebreaker was frozen alright...

How did she survive? Ashla, that weakling who was dead last in the annual Althanas Cell Tournament; the kid who failed horribly in the Althanas Leagues; the duchess who failed to protect her country... how did she survive that? Was it her iron will to get even with Lye Ulroké? Was it her desire to avenge Julius' death?

She sighed, a heavy weight pulling her heart down. That little girl stood here in a new light. She was stronger than she thought, very strong... how come she didn't kill the man she was after.

She opened her eyes, stepping back into the tent. She needed to think for a while.

[Ashla]

The Icebreaker leaned against a desk with her arms. Her greasy hair hung over her face, the young woman shaking. Who was she? Was she a murderer? A hero? A mother? Victim? Duchess? Leader? Drop out?

What kind of a mother am I? Ashla thought, Especially a single mother.

She pushed herself up, regret haunting her in dreadful results. The half elf paced around the room, though after though piling on top. She reached up and grabbed her hair, insanity creeping in.

Why did I do that? Who am I? Why did I do that? Why? Why...

Questions echoed rapidly in her poisoned head. Regret. Depression. Resentment. Guilt... The cycle continued for how long? The cycle of woe in her messed up brain. She dropped to her knees, hair clumped up in her hair.

Have to escape! Need to escape! Escape!

At last, the girl let out a blood churning scream.





Had Ashla died after all?

[Ashla]

The young woman opened her eyes to see... her reflection.

Something was different.

Her left eye. It was not blue like it was supposed to. Her left eye was dark brown. So dark, it almost looked red. Her left eye was blue, as usual. She only stared at herself. What was this? Was this her? Who was this person she stared at? Her breath was rampid, heart beat going up drastically. Her eyes glazed over with ice.

"I love your eyes. They're so beautiful..."

"Julius..."

"Don't wish yourself any other way, got it?"

"JULIUS!"

She shoved the bowl of water over. As it fell, it turned to ice. The girl let out scream after scream.

After scream.

After scream.

No doubt about it, she snapped. All she could do was scream... and her cries did not go unnoticed.



~~~


A group of people had gathered around a brown and tan tent.

"What's going on?

"Is miss Icebreaker okay?"

"Is someone hurting our leader!?"

"That's... Ashla Icebreaker in tbere..."

One man stepped in front of the camp entry. Daisuke Sirvent. He looked emotionless at first, but his eyes bore a coat of sympathy. He turned to his fellow members of P.A.L.E.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I will take care of this matter. You all must go back to your own business. I, Icebreaker's trusted butler and friend, will keep her safe."

At first, they looked at him cynically. The forty year old man softened his face, giving them a sad smile, "I know her."

As the people Ashla rallied together (no joke intended) bickered amongst themselves, Daisuke entered the tent. There lay the mighty Icebreaker. Exhausted, in a storm of tears, across the floor. Daisuke's eyes widened when he looked around. Multiple items in the tent were frozen over. Parts of the desk and sleeping mat, ropes, any form of liquid here. The man closed his eyes as she let out another haunting cry.

This girl had grown since she recruited Daisuke. Daisuke could have been as distant as any other alchemist of P.A.L.E. However, he saw something in her that kept him well by her side. Even if watching her daughter was exhausting, and even if her ways were rambunctious, Ashla Icebreaker had found a place in his heart. It broke the man's heart to see her like this. Something close to a wild animal, clenching her hair like it was all she had left.

Daisuke stayed at the entryway, gently approaching the young woman with his words, "Ashla, wh-"

"-Leave me alone, Daisuke!!" After her hoarse voice broke out into the room, she let out a group of sobs.

Daisuke sighed, Here we go again... "Milady, you are causing commotion outside. You need not go berserk on everything you see, do you?"

She continued weeping, as if she had not heard him.

Daisuke approached the Icebreaker calmy, eventually sitting down next to her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, "You are the closest thing to my daughter, do you think I like seeing you like this?"

The Icebreaker, still sobbing but with some control, pushed herself up to her knees. Even now, the sands beneath them were slightly freezing over. She's out of control...

Daisuke pulled her hair gently out of her face, pulling it back in a ponytail, "I hate to sound heartless, but you must get a hold on yourself."

Ashla finally stopped sobbing, but still shook like she was undergoing a seizure. Daisuke felt a tear fall down his own cheek, not knowing how to help her. "Milady, have you seen your daughter yet?"

After a moment of silence, the girl opened up her mouth, the words sickening him, "... why should I? I was never her mother..."

[Ashla]

"But, milady!" Daisuke cried, "You gave birth to her, I was helping you deliver!"

The Icebreaker stayed uncomfortably silent.

"You must listen to me, Ashla, you-"

"-Ashla?!?" The young woman turned sharply on Daisuke, her eyes like chips of ice, "Ashla was a stubborn weakling who couldn't survive some darn tournament!" She stood up and stalked towards the edge of the tent, "No, to have survived a calamity like that... I couldn't be Ashla."

Daisuke wanted to scream a million things at once. To scold her on how ridicules she was being; to warn her how dangerous this line of thinking was. But he said nothing, he just stared at her.

"Hanuh is such a beautiful child," the halfling spoke in a sudden calm voice, "So precious... I'm not the one she deserves to raise her. Ashla- she-" she started to sob again, "-was not... not good enough..."

With that she exited the tent.



~~~


Icebreaker made it to the exit of the camp. She bent over, exhausted in her long run. The howling of the wind caused small dust devils to form then fade. The sun was red as it set, bloodying the sky.

She was alone.

This woman felt nameless. No form of identity to go with her. Surely, Ashla had died. She had failed on her mission to avenge her love's death. To save the world. The young woman stood there, silently crying. She had a plan now. A plan now on how to give Hanuh her best chance, to give P.A.L.E. it's finest hour, to give the world one less thing to worry about. The girl smiled, a sense of peace, as artificial as it was, giving her relief from her guilt.

If she was not Ashla, why live like her?

[Ashla]

The brunette walked into her- Ashla's - room. "Daisuke?" she asked.

He was gone, however, the tent slightly tidied up. It still had icicles left and right, but it was now neat and clean. The young woman smiled sadly, "Always like you, Daisuke, cleaning up Ashla's messes... you won't have to deal with it much longer."

She walked over to the table and pulled out a pen and ink. She neatly wrote the note out in the proper way Ashla, duchess of Eiskalt, would have written it. After the note was finished, she signed Ashla's signature and walked over to Daisuke's tent. Her walk there, the people and tents Ashla led forwards, meant less to her than Ashla herself. She took no notice of her surroundings, she did not look. These people, these strangers, were not her burdens anymore. Not her responsibility. Yes, someone else would have to take over.

When the young woman entered the tent, the only living person there was a little baby. She was sleeping soundly in an oak crib, covered with a rich, red blanket. She had a stuffed kitten made of straw next to her. The child was quite as a mouse. Hanuh Icebreaker Tabor. The eighteen year old walked up to the crib and looked at the blond little girl. She sadly placed her pointer finger into the infant's tiny hand. She felt her heart break for the millionth time when the child squeezed it.

The young woman reached behind her neck and unclipped something. Ashla had worn this around her neck always, but it was not her's anymore...

"Mommy would like you to have this, Hanuh." A nixstella necklace was placed on the baby's rising and falling chest. The necklace Layla Rose gave her daughter was now her granddaughter's.

"Grow up, drive Daisuke crazy, save the world... you would make a relative proud."

It took everything in her, everything the single mother had to part from the bundle of joy. She slowly pulled out her note from her belt and placed it on Daisuke's desk before exiting the tent.

Ashla Icebreaker was no more.

[Flamebird]

Always happy, always energetic. Temporarily, Felicity Knopsnider was tampered with worry over her mentor.

Rumors had been flying around that the leader of P.A.L.E. was mentally insane. Or maybe someone attacked her and there was a traitor amongst them. Daisuke had seen to Ashla and told them that she was, in fact, having a mental breakdown. Felicity was since then looking around for her.

Her speech impairment made her shouts very distinguishable. "Ashwa!"

She ran across the camp, sand getting on her leg's wrappings. She kicked up grains of broken rock with her sandals, ponytail bouncing behind her. "Ashwa!" Felicity hollered, "Ashwa!" People and barrels flew past her, the clumsy child ran into several people. She apologised and continued. Felicity was there for her teacher, even now. She would not fail her mentor now. You're more than a mentor, you're a friend!

Arming swords clanging in their shealths as she ran; Felicity pulled her flamberge back to it's proper place as she ran to the edge of the camp. She skidded to a halt, noticing a discarded hair ribbon half buried in the sand. She looked up ahead to see a familiar figure walking out into the desert.

"Ashwa!"

[Ashla]

The woman titled Icebreaker chuckled; she knew that call anywhere...

She straightened her belt, weapons dangling, before turning to face her. Felicity Knopsnider, the apprentice of a deceased Ashla Icebreaker.

The two girls were now face to face. The redhead gave her a grim expression of worry. "You okay?"

The brunette sighed, not knowing where to start. Ashla was always so considerate of her young apprentice's thoughts and emotions. Felicity had been a factor that saved Ashla's sanity. The young woman facing her now was different though, she would have to be honest. The woman opened her mouth, speaking on Ashla's behalf. "I'm leaving. This is it, I'm done."

Felicity just stared at her. Wide, green eyes were backed by a mouth with a slight frown, "What?"

The young woman frowned, trying not to take notice of the pain in Felicity's tone. "This era of life is over. I'm going."

Felicity scoffed, as if something was wrong with her, "What? Ashwa!" the kid tossed her arms, "This is youw home, youw famiwy! Do you eel nothing fo them?"

The brunette looked at the apprentice, "That's why I'm leaving them. What good is a mother who can't provide for her child?" She looked away again, "This is what is best."

She heard Felicity shuffle her feet, a silence taking over them. The redhead was thinking. Surprisingly, the girl with different eyes waited for the teenager's response. She simply watched the sand dunes as the wind carried them.

The sun lowered to where the sky was pink. At this point, Felicity had her answer. "Okay, it seems wike I can't convince you."

The brunette scoffed, who needed convincing? Ashla was dead. What could persuade her would not do the same now. She was taken back though when Felicity's footsteps led her by her side. "I'm coming with you."

[Flamebird]

"What?"

Felicity chuckled at her mentor's answer. "Wook, you taught me evewything I know. You taught me to neva give up! So I'm not giving up on you... pease wet me come? Continue to twain me."

The young woman placed her finger on her chin, thinking. Felicity bit her lips as she waited for response. Would Ashla let some stubborn kid come along when she was trying to leave everything else? Felicity only wanted to help her get well, would she be allowed. Felicity was not ready to leave her alone, she knew that much.

Finally, the woman turned to her with a confident smile. Her reply, leaving her quite confused. "I could pick up one thing Ashla started..."

Felicity tilted her head, "Eh?"

The young woman turned to walk away. Of course, a baffled and confused Felicity followed. She was even more puzzled as the conversation continued, conversations on leaving Fallien and heading for another place. A town waw nearby, they would set out from there. The last thing her mentor said confused her most of all, but she would learn in time.

"One more thing," the half elf told her as she closed, "The name is Ayleth."

[Ashla]

~~~




Holding a baby girl in his arms, Daisuke watched two young women leave for a nearby town. He watched the brunette particularly, wondering if he would ever see the girl he called "daughter" again. As Hanuh cooed in her sleep, tightly holding the necklace belonging to her mother, Daisuke repeated the note in his mind. Silent tears fell down his cheeks... she thought she was doing what was best, but was it?



Daisuke,


I'm sorry, I know you are disappointed in me. I cannot stay here any longer. It is time for me to go on a new path, a path for the best of all of Althanas. Please take care of Hanuh for me, you were always her true parent. You were always there while I dwindled about elsewhere. Also, please find a respective, good leader of P.A.L.E. Find someone who could do much better than myself. I believe in you, Daisuke, you are the one person I know can be trustable. I'm sorry for all the times I upset you, take pride in knowing it's over now. Thank you for everything. This is my will, that Hanuh take the necklace that belonged to me. My mother gave it to me when she died, now it is her turn. She will do incredible things under your wing.

Take care, my beloved servant and friend.
~ Ashla Rose Icebreaker

[Ashla]

Crappy thread is now done.

In case you're wondering about the eye color change, that knock on the head described from Salvar was hard enough it gave her heterochromia. Heterochromia can be earned from enough physical blows... but of course I got that information from Wikipedia...

[Rayleigh]

Thread Name: A Rose Withers
Participants: BlueGhostofSeaside and Flamebird
Judgement Type: Condensed Rubric

Plot 15/30

Let me begin by commenting on how much I enjoy your unique writing style. It sounds as if the tale is being told by a teenage girl, which really helps the reader get inside Ashla's head. While this may be more appropriately discussed in the Prose section of this review, I wanted to note it here as well, because it absolutely changes the entire tone of the piece.

Now, for the overall story. Truth be told, there was not a whole lot here. There was very little action, and not a whole lot of time passed. However, I enjoyed what you did have. This was very much a story of self discovery and change. Ashla, battered both physically and mentally, returns after a bitter defeat. She takes time to reflect on what her life has become, and where she needs to go from that point on. One of my biggest concerns with your story was that the transformation seemed far too sudden. Ashla made the decision to give up everything that she knew, including her own child, after only a few sentences of deliberation. Please do not misunderstand - I really enjoy your succinct way of writing, and I am not at all suggesting that you throw in a bunch of fluff just to hit a word count. But I think that this change could have been made a bit more gradual, and in turn, believable, for your reader. Ashla might have spent a bit more time reflecting on the pros and cons, or who she might be hurting if she were to walk away from the life she knew. She might have thought a bit more about her baby's future, and how Hanuh would be better with someone else. A bit more reflection before such a dramatic change would have really strengthened your story.

The other thing that you might have done is incorporate a few flashbacks, or have Ashla show the reader a bit more of what she has been through. Your Plot score is a bit lower than I would have liked to have given you simply because I do not know Ashla's story. I do not know about Lye, Julius, or the battle that made Ashla into Ayleth. I certainly don't think that you need to completely re-tell her story, but it would have been really helpful if you had sprinkled in a few explanations. For example, in post four, Ashla declares that she was never Hanuh's mother. Why is that? You could have added a sentence before or after that statement to help the reader understand. "As she reflected on ______, she shuddered." Just fill in a few words about what happened. A couple of clues will help your reader get the full effect.

With that being said, don't be discouraged! I have found that these emotion-heavy pieces are often more difficult to write than simple "kill a bunch of people" stories. Even though there was more that you could have done, this story was still very effective. You did a very nice job of establishing the setting, and I was pleased to see that you referred back to it often. Your pacing was also appropriate for such a short story. I can't wait to follow Ayleth's journey!

Character 15/30

I was incredibly impressed by how well you wrote a broken, battered Ashla. Post one did an excellent job of painting her as a beaten woman haunted by her failures. She was sad, she was angry, and she was guilty. That range of emotions is not always captured well in writing, so nice job there. You did ask me to focus on Character for this judgement, so let me go ahead and give you a few suggestions to keep in mind.

First, you will want to be careful writing a character who is so angry that she is literally flipping tables. As I mentioned above, her breakdown was very well written. However, you might have spent a little more time easing her back to a calmer state. In post four, you dedicate a few sentences to this, explaining how her sobs slowly stopped until she was only shaking. I think you might have done a bit more with this. What was she thinking as she calmed down? Did the feel of her hair being pulled back calm her down, because someone she used to know once did it? Was it the sound of Daisuke's voice? Or was she just so tired that she could not cry any longer? She was going crazy just a paragraph before, so make sure you help the reader understand why she is relaxing. That will not only make the piece more believable, but also help us learn a bit more about Ashla.

Next, I wanted to make a very brief note to remember for future stories. I love that Ashla is a spitfire character. Ray is too, and it can be an absolute blast, but it also poses a challenge. Make sure that her shifts in emotion are fully explained. Excluding what I mentioned above, you did a generally nice job of this simply because Ashla was hysterical. The next story you write may not allow for such a wide range of emotions that are experienced so quickly. Keep that in mind!

Finally, I wanted to talk about the lovely Felicity. Most of my judgement focuses on Ashla for obvious reasons, but Felicity is just adorable. One of the things that makes her so likable is her speech impediment. I wanted to commend you on that, because many writers do not bother to incorporate elements like that. You will, however, have to be very careful that you stay consistent. In post seven, you spell "you" as youw." In post eight, you do not. While it is not a huge deal, these speech impediments make readers pay closer attention to how you're writing your dialogue. If you do not want them distracted by these changes, make sure you keep things the same. Or, if you change them, make sure you explain why. For example, perhaps Felicity's impediment gets worse when she gets worked up. That way, you will only have to spell "you" as "youw" when she is emotionally charged.

Overall, you did a nice job here. There are some changes that you can make to improve your writing and earn a higher score, but you have a really nice foundation to build up from!

Prose 14/30

Let me start with technique, because it was definitely one of your strengths. Similes and metaphors are my guilty pleasure, and let me just say, you delivered. Your comparison of anger and molten lava in post two was so incredibly good; I actually shivered a bit when I read it. I could see the anger bubbling just under the surface, threatening to burst at any moment. Oh my gosh, so good. You also used repetition a few times, and the placement was just perfect to describe Ashla's decent into (brief) madness. While you did not use too many techniques, what you had was incredibly effective for this short, emotional piece. Well done!

As this is a condensed rubric, I do not want to list every single grammatical error that you made (though, don't worry, there were not too many). There are a few overarching themes that you might think about though.

First, your word choice. This was only a problem a couple of times, but it was enough to make me re-read. For example, you used "basking" in your first post to describe a temperature. Basking, however, is a verb (to bask). Ashla may have basked in the hot sun, but after you used "freezing" to describe Salvar, it didn't quite fit. You might have used balmy, broiling, or blistering instead. I have a thesaurus on my cell phone, and I use it all the time. I double check a lot of words as I write, and if you're ever unsure, you might want to do the same!

Next, commas in dialogue. This was something that may have been a style choice, but as a reader, I was really hung up on it. A comma is not necessary when writing dialogue. Remember that a comma tells a reader to take a slight pause, but what comes after is essentially the same thought. A period, on the other hand, ends a thought. Now let's take a look at some of the dialogue in your first post. You write:


She could tell by the sudden tingling in her body that he was looking at her though, "you look terrible....

Do you see how the observation and the quote do not really need to be said in the same breath? They're related, but not enough so that they need to be connected with a comma. Had you written "He said" first, then you would have added a comma, as it was all one thought. This leads to run-on sentences, and keeps the reader from taking those important pauses that help them process what they are reading. This is a tough concept, so please please please let me know if you need any more help with it.

Finally, the basic typos. You had so few of them that I don't need to dedicate much time to this, but be sure to proof-read! "There" became "tbere" in the middle of post four, and there is nothing like a blatant typo to throw a reader off track.

The last part of this category is clarity. This hurt you the most, and led you to receive a lower Prose score than you might have had. Because of the lack of background information, I did not understand and appreciate every single word of this story the way I could have otherwise. Make sure to keep your reader in the know! I'm a stranger to the Icebreaker saga, but you have definitely made me curious to learn more.

Wildcard 6/10

This was a sweet little piece. I know that it was not at all what you had hoped to achieve, but it was not nearly as "crappy" as you led me to believe. You're an excellent writer with a lot of potential. You're creative, driven, and excited about writing. Those qualities are so important, and I urge you to take pride in what you've made here. Remain open to criticism, and be willing to try new things, because that will make you a better writer. But if this is you at your crappiest, I can't wait to see you at your best.

Total Score 50/100

BlueGhostofSeaside receives 860 EXP and 80 GP
Flamebird receives 150 EXP and 20 GP

If you have any questions at all about anything that I've said here, please feel free to message me, or find me in chat! I would be happy to go over it with you.

[Hysteria]

GP and XP added!