Workshop: When Serpents Smile

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: When Serpents Smile (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29286-When-Serpents-Smile)
Name of Authors: Whispers of Abyssion
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 17 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 7/26/2014 (26th July)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Wow... just wow... What the hell, Flames? I didn’t know you’d gotten this good in my absence. This thread floored me, dude. Congrats on one of the best threads I’ve read in years. Seriously, this was an absolute joy to read. With that, on with the review.

Before I say another word, NOMINATE THIS THREAD FOR A JC! NOW!

Storytelling (10/10): Seriously, I can’t think of a single thing you could have done to make this into a better told thread. I know it isn’t much to say for this, but bravo, bravo, bravisimo! This thread was extraordinarily well told.

Setting (9/10): I did not give you a ten here, because despite describing the setting nearly perfectly, you did not actually make any real use of the setting during your posts, aside from pointing out things that made me able to visualize the place nearly exactly how I’m sure you’d want it to be seen in a reader’s head. It was inspired, but it did lack that interactive element with your character in some parts where I think it would have made sense. Just a small nitpick in an otherwise stellar use of your surroundings to immerse the reader, however. You did almost everything right here.

Pacing (10/10): The pacing was extraordinarily well done. I did not feel that a single paragraph spent more time than it needed to on any single part than it absolutely needed to. You kept the thread going at a solid pace, and you didn’t allow the pace to jump willy nilly, either. It was a great work, and one that was a joy to read from start to finish. It never bogged down or moved to fast considering what you were aiming to do. Honestly, I’m floored by the level of control you had when many of us would have slipped up.

Communication (10/10): If I could give an 11 here, I would, but the rubric only carries up to a 10, so a 10 you shall have. The interactions between the characters, the body language, the dialogue... Everything was masterfully done. I can’t honestly think of anything you didn’t do that would have contributed more to the thread than exactly what you did. I... I wish I could write character interaction like this. I really do.

Action (8/10): There wasn’t much action, but what action there was... It was performed admirably and with very little in the way of error. I hesitate to up the score to a 9 or 10 simply because a bit of the more action heavy pieces of the thread seemed slightly lacking from an impactful standpoint. I feel that more could have been done here to make the action stand out a bit more in the reader’s mind, but it was good, damn good.

Persona (10/10): Even the characters that only got a few paragraphs of “screen time” got fleshed out enough that I know each character is complex in their own way, and each have different sets of values, strengths, and weaknesses in their personalities that could be used to bolster or undermine them. Pode and Touma threw this over the cliff, though. They were both masterfully done, and I could sense even the undercurrents of their personalities without being expressly told what they were like. That is skill my friend.

Mechanics (8/10): Nearly flawless, but there was a single clunky paragraph that kinds drew me out of the story for a few seconds, and made me think twice about the meaning you had within the work itself. However, this does not take away from the excellent story. Even the ONE SINGLE typo I saw didn’t do anything to detract from the overall story.

Clarity (10/10): Never had a single problem following what was going on, except for when you were willingly keeping the reader in the dark to build up reveals later. Well done!

Technique (7/10): Your lowest score, but not even by the longest shot a bad thing. You didn’t use too many super high tier techniques, but the ones you did use were well placed and used judiciously, as I think they should be used, instead of just to make the thread more flowery by comparison to just telling it how it is. Very well done, just shy of great.

Wild Card (10/10): Oh my dear Thayne did you drag me into the story right from the get go. I didn’t even notice how much time had passed while I was reading the thread. Your... everything was pitch perfect for a reader, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see writing like this in published form. WHY HAVEN’T YOU WRITTEN A NOVEL YET, AND IF YOU HAVE, WHY HASN’T IT BEEN PUBLISHED AND WHY HAVEN’T I HEARD OF IT?!

Total Score: 92/100 – An outstanding thread, and by far the best I’ve set eyes on in years. I’ll be reading a lot more of your stories from this point on if this is what you’re capable of.

[Flames of Hyperion]

Heya!

Thank you very much: first for taking the time to read, second for all of your comments, and third for the glowing review. You just made my day ^^.

If it's not too much trouble, would you mind letting me know where you found the typo (I located one sentence where I hadn't tidied up the comma after the full stop, but I'm not sure if that was what you were referring to) and which paragraph you found particularly clunky? Thank you again in advance!

[Rehtul Orlouge]

The clunky paragraph was the second paragraph of post 2... The imagery of Touma breathing in the muggy air was confusingly told, at least from my own standpoint. It didn't feel like the description came naturally, but instead came off as just a bit forced.

The typo... It was a tense, present instead of past, error, but I'm trying to find where I saw it. I should have made notes, but honestly I expected to find other examples, and failing that only brought it up to point out that you only had a single flaw, and a very minor one at that.

Also, I truly did enjoy the thread... You broke a record. Back when I was a real Judge, I only ever gave out two 10's that I remember. You pulled SIX out of the hat, so that makes this the single highest scoring thread I've ever "Judged."

Seriously, congrats on a great thread.

[Philomel]

My fault for letting this go way past the finish mark.

This thread is now CLOSED and rewards will be posted shortly.

[Philomel]

Rewards for Workshop Commentary:

Workshop: Then Serpents Smile (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29625-Workshop-When-Serpents-Smile)

Rewards:

Rehtul Orlouge. (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14301-Rehtul-Orlouge)
450 EXP*
25 GP

*includes a small amount of discretion for a job well done.

[Hysteria]

exp and gp added