Workshop: In Which Ruby Kicks Duffy In The Nuts (Solo)

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: In Which Ruby Kicks Duffy In The Nuts (Solo) (hhttp://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29206-In-Which-Ruby-Kicks-Duffy-In-The-Nuts-(Solo))
Name of Authors: Ruby
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 9-10 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 10/8/2014 (10th August)

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[Flames of Hyperion]

Hey Cyd, thought I'd nip in with a few comments. I'll keep my commentary short and sweet, much like the thread.

The first thing I note is how well you craft your tale. Only one thing that happens is worth a story - see title - but you build up to it very gracefully with the conversation between Leopold and Ruby, and carry us back down again with an explanation of equal elegance. You allude to events outwith the scope of the thread by bringing them up naturally in conversation, and provide a stinger in the epilogue hinting at future events. There's a high level of storycrafting skill demonstrated throughout, and that's always been one of your strengths.

The other strength that really shone through, as it often does in your threads, is your characters - not only in their personalities and quirks, but in how you bring them to life. It's not just a case of showing rather than telling, but also by giving them a distinct 'voice' when you write from their viewpoint: Duffy's theatrics, Ruby's emotions, Leopold's worldliness. You're comfortable with them, and it shows in how you let them play off each other to tell your story without sacrificing pacing.

My main gripe, then, is that the thread really didn't accomplish much. Ruby kicked Duffy in the Nuts, and then the bard hinted at something bigger to come. Seriously? I want to read more, dagnabbit.

One final short note on technique and mechanics: given the dialogue-heavy nature of the thread and the fact that it's told from Ruby's point of view (and she's not the most stable character in your... stable...) the staccato, almost random nature of your descriptions didn't detract from the flow too badly. I would advise against over-using them in a more substantial thread, though, as I'm sure you're aware. To say any more would be to pick nits, and I'm too interested in what the troupe are going to do next to do that.

Keep writing!

[Drumheller]

Note: the link above does not seem to work, when clicking on it, one will get a 501 error; there appears to be a sink-line communication problem, but what is the cause of this problem I can’t say. For those that wish to review the associated thread, or simply read it, a link to it is provided below, thank you for your time.
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29206-In-Which-Ruby-Kicks-Duffy-In-The-Nuts-(Solo)&highlight=in+which+Ruby+kicks+Duffy
100

Story
Storytelling: 10 out of ten
There was a clear plot going on here, which included, but went beyond well-placed heals to genitals, and the reader got clear hints of that from the very beginning. This chapter, or scene if you prefer, was the end of an important book, where a novel has similar chapters divided up in such a fashen, or the end of an act or arc, and while in my case the reader isn’t aquainted with all the events of the narrative, enough summarization is provided that one has a basic understanding of the reasons for the current occurrence’s. In short, while the title of this story is all about Duffy getting his balls bounced via Ruby’s foot wear, the plot is of reunion and a dynamic shift in the lives of the theater troop to whom Duffy and Ruby are attached.

Setting: 9 out of 10
“The description never falters, and its effects vividly described. Your character uses elements of the setting, and the setting “uses” the character.” The seeting is masterfully done, the carrage, the mountain town, and of course, last, but by no means least, the theater house itself. The characters move through, are a part of, and are most definitely impacted by the setting – It’s a recreation of the theater house that burned down, conjured by magic, or mystical powers, or something to that affect; it affects Ruby all right, as it should. My only problem is that at one point you mention that Ruby looks up into the starry sky and then mention sunlight pooring through as thick as lava. A little confusing on that. Starry sky, by the language means more than one star, usually denoting night, while the other statement indicates that’s still day.

Pacing: 8 out of ten

Overall the pacing here is very good, the story builds up from the first line, that something is coming, an emotional conflict that builds upon the very first sentence, which while mostly slows, isn’t really lead to its climax with the mere sock to the jock, which Ruby delivers to Duffy. Unfortunately, even with the epilog, the story does end a little abruptly, at least to me.

Character
Communication: 10 out of 10
I totally believed the conversations between all of your characters. The conversation between Ruby and her husband in the wagon as he explains important details to Ruby, as he attempts to prepare her for what is to come. The interactions between Ruby and Duffy, as they meet and as he continues to make her understand what took place, and why it took place. The content was believable and understandable. Going beyond mere dialogue, the emotions were right for Ruby, a woman that believed her brother dead, morned for him, and is rightly more than a bit pissed finding out he isn’t. the others, or at least Duffy and Ruby’s husband seem to understand the necessity of what’s going on and Jeren’s along for the ride. The shock of it all, progresses through the natural course of emotional events, anger, shock, back to anger, and finally joy.

Action: 9 out of 10
With the exception of one point the actions were splendidly done. The interactions with the journal, the traveling up literally to the point of meeting Duffy, along side with the intelectual traveling to duffy. The meeting where the willy a welt occurs, happens for reasons already mentioned, which prompts the intervention by the husband, and we move into the theater house proper. All this makes sense. So, with all that said, let me discuss briefly the moment that is jarring, now, while the last angry bit that Ruby goes through was a bit difficult to process: I got the whole Duffy used a mystical song, which normally required the troop, or at least key figures in it; I understand that the last time that someone tried it alone the consequences were dire; what seems a bit confusing to me is Ruby’s response, which seems a bit more than what is called for. Now, I could believe that she is the kind of woman that has extremes of emotionality, and sometimes acts before thinking, people do, but it looks very much like she just tried to kill Duffy, when such a thing would be somewhat counter productive, and even worse, she appears ready to destroy an exact replica of a place depicted to have considerable emotional value. I personally feel, perhaps I’m anal, that a bit more explanation was warrented here, to help the reader understand the actions.

Persona: 9 out of 10
I have more or less discussed this in privous sections, so I wont say much here. Emotions and personality was portrayed nicely, even if there was a bit of confusion for me on one small part. Otherwise, very well done in this area.

Prose
Mechanics: 9 out of 10
While I didn’t run this through a spell checker,I did notice one small issue, “They talked for what must have been hours. Revelation and plot twist blended in one long grand scheme realised at long lost. Duffy realised, after months of life anew on Althanas that his time was up. “ I think you meant last.

Clarity: 10 out of 10
I didn’t have any difficulty following this, from an issue of word selection, or sentence structure, and the like. What was meant to be conveyed was conveyed.

Technique: 10 out of 10

Foreshadowing and to a lesser extent references to previous events was utilized properly and with consideration for the reader. There was most definetly a good bit of tension, as to be expected from a story of this type, titles about ball bouncing aside.

Wild card: Right, here’s where I get to discuss two issues I really have with this, one of them personal, one of them very minor, which is for the writer. The first, is this is a conclusionary chapter, I understand that, I get it. The problem is that I’ve not yet listened to everything that’s lead up to that. I’m reading the last chapter in a book and while the previous events are mentioned, I’m not in the dark, its just a bit jarring at points not having the richness of what comes before. That should help, I hope explain some of my scoring. The only other issue I have here, is that it’s a bit short. Yes, you gave your readers all what is necessary in keeping with the plot, but if you have given us a little more then duffy and Ruby’s second interactions, the one realted to where she nearly burns the theater down, might have made better sense. Well, that’s my two cents at any rate.

[Philomel]

This thread is closed after being left open for a couple of weeks for more response. Rewards will be posted shortly.

[Philomel]

Rewards:
Workshop: In Which Ruby Kicks Duffy In The Nuts (Solo) (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29679-Workshop-In-Which-Ruby-Kicks-Duffy-In-The-Nuts-%28Solo%29)

Flames of Hyperion receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8570-Flames-of-Hyperion)

650 EXP
20 GP

Drumheller receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18299-Drumheller)

150 EXP
20 GP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added!