Workshop: Play The House Down Ruby Roux

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Play The House Down Ruby Roux (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28292-Play-The-House-Down-Ruby-Roux&p=252036)
Name of Authors: Leopold, Pettigrew, Ruby and Duffy
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 32 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 14/09/2014 (9th September)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Bard]

Author’s note: I shall be reviewing this thread on the whole, as though it were a single chapter, which it is, only making references to specific characters as needed. This represents a bit of a departure from previous reviewing, but I feel that it is crucial in this matter, given story dynamics.

Story
Storytelling: 9 out of ten
There’s a teeny tiny reason why I couldn’t give this a ten, which I shall discuss in the wild card area, as to me, it was a small issue, but one that needed to be addressed. Now, I will say this, like the previous thread I reviewed involving Ruby and her unique family and set of acquaintances, this chapter once again holds a concrete plot, which one can easily follow, the two sets of interrelated events connecting together in a complicated whole. The complex ‘onion’ of the lives of all the characters in this drama were pealed away a little more, giving the reader more tantalizing clues on their complex lives, history, and their relationship to other figures on Althanas.

Setting: 10 out of 10

The only sense not mentioned here was smell, which I’m somewhat greatful for, any more powerful the descriptor and I might have forgotten where I was and be horribly disjointed and terrified when I was finished. Humor aside, your settings are very vivid, and definitely serve as a exemplar to the maxim “show them, don’t tell them.”

Pacing: 10 out of 10
You build tension well. The bouncing back and forth between a previous event, whith light dramatic tension, to a more recent event, with considerable tension, only served to increase the overall narrative’s tightness. The somewhat mundane event, and I use that term very loosely here, served to give the other events a more fast paced, dreamy, and heroic flavor, which I believe you were striving for.

Character
Communication: 9 out of ten
I should note, that some of this might be a product of listening over reading, but it required me listening to a few points more than once, to ensure who was speaking from time to time. That is the only reason why I can’t give this a 10. Otherwise, your ability to create personalities, and then convey those personalities through situations is once again revealed. Your personalities remain completely stable, and that stability is important to maintain character continuity between threads.

Action: 10 out of 10
To make this as sustinct as possible, with the exception of one point, where I could be nitpicking, all the actions fit perfectly within the events and personalities of all the characters involved. The only issue I have, and its as much a personal preference as anything else, or rather a suspention of disbelief – yes I know this is a fantasy world – will be mentioned dead last.

Persona: 10 out of 10

Already mentioned this previously, personalities were conveyed, and cohesion was maintained, enough said.

Prose
Mechanics:8 out of 10
I do nothing here, that I don’t expect in return, I noticed a few mistakes, and will point a few out, even though lord knows I’d probably make the same.

“now, been hiding in a maelstrom of hate. She had allowed those emotions to consume here in the conflict on Eiskalt. Grievous mistakes made in the search for saving face.”

I think this was supposed to be her. There were a few others, but all very small.

Clarity: 9 out of 10

There were a few places I need to re-listen to make sure who was speaking once or twice, but that’s probably a listening, as apposed to a viewing thing, and even then it was very easy to follow.

Technique: 10 out of 10
As I stated before, this had a very strong heroic feel to it, and given what was involved, that methodology was very much warranted.

Wild Card:

Now, let me address a couple of matters, which to me, would have made a good thing even better. First, some sort of time stamp should have come into play here. Since I have already reviewed the second thread in the sequence and am coming up on the third, it might have been helpful if readers were sure that this was the first one in the sequence. Ruby’s anger at her husband makes a lot more sense, now, then it did in the previous thread I listened to and reviewed. That was a question I periodically asked myself, even though I’ll admit it wasn’t overly important. It also makes the conversation between Ruby and her husband a lot more clear. Second, this is the second time you used an epilogue, I would personally reframe from using those in the future at the end of your threads/ chapters, as it is sort of a anabuse of the concept. Simply make those elements part of the chapter. Since they rationally follow the chapters natural progression. Of course, the fact that published authors often abuse the term, Salvatore, I’m looking in your general direction, doesn’t help. In closing, I enjoyed the thread and eagerly await the listening of the other chapter in this drama, keep writing.

[Philomel]

One week to go for this folks.

Get your commentary in for some very easy EXP :D

[Medeia]

[Quick Footnote: I’m new at this, so I apologize if it’s muddled or anything!]

First things first, I enjoyed the plot of this story very much. While I’ve yet to read any other stories featuring Ruby and Leopold, I was easily able to get a good bead into what it is that makes them tick. There is a level of depth and the tension in the relationship between Ruby and Lisa that was fun to read. While I did appreciate the pictures that were posted in the story, (as I had no idea what any of the characters looked like), I think it would be wise in the future to use your language to paint your characters in the reader’s mind instead.

A very important part of scene setting is defining your character, and for people like me, I want to be able to visualize the scenes as they are read. Think of your favorite character in a book series. When someone reads, they tend to develop a mental image of the character in their mind. If they’ve been lucky/unlucky enough to have a movie made of that book, often the picture they have in their head doesn’t mesh with what’s on screen. (Example: Tyrion Lannister) What you’ve provided isn’t terrible by any means, but I believe you’d catch the reader’s attention more by including this. I’m not saying go into ridiculous detail, like which way the wind is blowing your hair or whatnot, but your character description is just as important as your scene development.

Moving on, one thing that threw me at the beginning of this story was the timing. I had no clue what was going on, as the first few posts made it appear that Leopold was both on his way to the Hearthstone, and sitting in the theater in the Market Square with Ruby watching auditions. That’s something that could easily be fixed by setting a timeframe in which events are taking place. Towards the ending, the timing improved greatly, and Pettigrew’s posts finally connected some dots for me! I’d suggest maybe a footnote as to when events are taking place along with the emboldened headers which placed them. (Scara Brae-Market Square and Berevar - The Ahyark Tundra, respectively)

Typographical and grammatical errors are, unfortunately, a writer’s bane. There was not an excessive amount of these instances, and there was little to no repetition in your language. One sentence in particular that flummoxed me, however, was the following:

“It was a well-known fact that the enigmatic Ruby Winchester did not cry. The truth of the matter, however, was that she did not cry in public. Often. In fact, never.”

I think you meant that she didn’t cry in public, but the often followed by the never directly after threw me. I’m not sure what you wanted to convey there. The other were tiny typos and little things that a good proofreading will catch, and had no adverse affects on the story at all, so they aren't worth mentioning. I'd suggest having one of the other writers in your thread go over and proofread your posts as well. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes will catch things you normally wouldn't, and if you're like me, you study your own posts until your eyes cross!

The entirety of Leopold’s first several posts developed nicely, and built up to the battle with War(Jomil?) in a lovely manner. However, I sort of feel the actual fighting scenes fell flat. I was expecting an epic battle in which Leopold and War would go rounds and rounds, with Leopold the final victor, claiming the Hearthstone as his due rewards bloodied and bruised but victorious! Little to no injury after facing such a lovely character as War, (whom I thought was awesome!), seems like it would be a tad unrealistic. (Yes, I realize the irony of that statement.) I’m also not clear on what exactly Clarissa is. I’m thinking either some sort of slave, or a big cannon-like gun. I’d have liked a little additional information on her/it to help understand what exactly was going on in the fight itself. You may have already gone over this in another story, but I’m taking this story as a stand-alone, since it’s up for judgement and all. The entire sequence felt like it was rushed and I would have loved to see Leopold take more time with it. One bright spot in it was the fun way Leopold used strategy. I was expecting a little more to happen when he broke into the Ice Henge. I’m not sure what, but it felt a little lacking.

I loved the epilogue, and thought it wrapped things up nicely, bringing the story to a satisfactory close. To go along with what Bard said, however, I think it would have done well being addressed at the beginning of the next arc as well. Leaving people hanging is a commonly used way to hook a reader and leave them wanting more. Thank you for not doing that. (GEORGE R.R. MARTIN. YOU SIR, ARE A JERK. Dx)

Duffy’s small part was lovely, and beautifully written. I have no clue as to who Duffy actually is, (lore-wise), but it conveyed the sadness of Sei and the peace with which Duffy left this mortal coil in a splendid way. Pettigrew’s contributions were, as I mentioned earlier, very helpful. It was also nice to see the same scene from a bird’s-eye view. (Forgive the pun!)

Overall, I enjoyed reading your story, look forward to getting to know your characters better through your stories, and anticipate watching you all develop your characters and yourselves. Cheers!

[Philomel]

Thread is now closed. Rewards will be posted shortly.

[Philomel]

Workshop Rewards: Play the House Down Ruby Roux (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29775-Workshop-Play-The-House-Down-Ruby-Roux)

Medeia (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18038-Medeia) receives:
320 EXP
65 GP

Bard (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18394-Bard) receives:
320 EXP
65 GP