Workshop: A Fist Full of Coin

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread:The Diary of a Star (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29923-Diary-of-a-Star/page3)
Name of Authors: Star Strike
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 6 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 08/10/2014 (8th October)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Bard]

The telling of the story influences the storytelling score. It asks questions such as, has the writer situated the thread in an appropriate timescale, or does the thread seem to be a random snippet full of vagueness? Does the writer weave a compelling tale, or follow a predictable plot? A good score does not require a massive, epic, or convoluted storyline. Instead, success here comes from looking at the big picture, and considering “Why is the story taking place?”, “How does the story unfold?”, and “Why is it important?”

Using this statement from the rubric, I would definently give this story a 9 out of ten. The reasons for this estimation are simple. The thread is definitely situated in time in place. The poem at the beginning serves a good primer for the reader on what is about to unfold. The full specifics aren’t necessarily given out, but the reader knows without a doubt that this thread involves a transaction of some kine. From the moment the character left the ship, liked the fact that she was sea sick BTW, we knew that she was either coming home from being abroad, or landing in a strange port. This was solved quickly enough, but in either case, the sequence of poem to opening scene could not have made more aware of what was about to take place, even if you said in blunt English, “hay I’m writing a thread about merchant stuff.” It wouldn’t have done as good a job, or been as near as interesting.

Setting: 8 out of 10.
I have some mixed feelings about this, not to say you did a bad job anywhere, because you didn’t, but in some places it seemed a little minimalist. That being said, let me start with what I liked. First, opening as I already said was great. The rainy docks, the slogging through puddles, the damp cold feel. I really liked this line here, “The lanterns lining the streets swung and creaked above me as I walked “, it’s the progression of the scenery along with the progression of the plot, but it also adds that touch of reality that is important. The first shop that your character goes to, is equally well described. I as the reader walked in with you, stared at the strange items and complicated equipment, and was swept along as you met and haggled with the dwarf. I don’t feel however, that your descriptions of the fireworks shop and the plant store were quite as vibrant. It would have been nice for instance if you described some of the plants, their fragrence, etc. The outside of the plant shop was well described, but the inside was not, and the fireworks/toy store, wasn’t described anywhere near as much. While letting your reader’s imagination do the work is a good method, but the more ammo you give that imagination the better it will be.

Pacing: 9 out of 10
It wasn’t overly fast, nor overly slow, you didn’t end obruptly. Indeed, in the words of goldy locks, it was just right.

Character: 8 out of 10

In a sentence, the main character was very believable, so much so, that I can’t really say more regarding her. Like sceneary however, characterization went down as the narrative progressed, although “jack” seemed to have more character than the plant woman. Still, this area could use just a bit more improvement in the future.
The same goes for communication and action, which started out very strong and invariably lessened somewhat.

Persona:
JI’d also give this a 9 out of 10, largely as a lot of character behaviors were contextualized rather nicely. Given that there’s past history between the main character and two of the supporting characters, it was very much necessary, and useful. You gave the reader in both cases nice summeries of the relational dynamics.

Mechanics:
7 out of 10, I spotted a few errors here, such a “It was a little disappointed, “, where I think you meant disapointed. Still these weren’t many, and while they didn’t detract from the narative, this is an area that most could use some improvement on, myself included.

Communication and Action:
8 out of 10, as I said earlier, this is one of those areas that started out very strong, “9” category, but lost steam as the story moved along. It never got bad, just didn’t have the power of the earlier posts.

Clearity:
9 out of 10, very clear, the reader was suplied with more than suficient info for why your character went to the people she did, in the order that she did, and could easily see how your character could make a tighty profit in the end. Not much improvement needed here.

Technique:
9 out of 10, as I said earlier your first few posts really primed your audience for what this thread was about. While this thread wasn’t full of literary tools, those that were there were used rather well.

Wile Card:

There are a number of reasons why the errors I noticed where present, and I’ve said all I’m going to say about them. I don’t want you to walk away from this feeling that I didn’t like this thread, because I did. You turned a rather ordinary event into an interesting read. My suggestions are only there so that you can make a good thing better. I can’t wait to hear where this business venture leads, and what other ventures you will have your character get in to. I eagerly await your next instalment, til then, keep writing.

[Hysteria]

Thanks for the feedback, there was a bit of a rush at the end to get it done on Althie day :p

[Medeia]

First things first, I feel I should point out that I, (on average), dislike first person narratives. So, with that said, initially going into this story, I groaned. However, the reason I dislike first person narratives so much is that there are so few people who are actually able to hit all the nuances of first person right, mechanically speaking. Often, one will either confuse themselves and their feelings with the character's, or they get the entire past/present tenses all discombobulated. I'd like to point out you did neither, and it was a very pleasant read.

So! Down to brass tacks, so to say. Your pacing throughout this story was above average, in my opinion. The story didn't become too long-winded at any point, and enough attention and setting went into the different places your character moved and progressed through. I did feel that the end was a bit rushed, but your above post explains why, and it happens. It didn't affect the flow of your prose in the slightest, so it's barely even noticeable.

Character-wise, I'd do with a bit of character description. I got the entirety of the main character's personality, nature, and outlook on life, but I like to be able to visualize what I'm reading. I don't need to know what kind of designs were on the boots, but perhaps a small nod towards defining their appearance would add to the verbal picture you are painting. (I know it's harder to do so in 1st person without sounding conceited, but I think you could pull it off well.) Your supporting cast was also well-defined, and I loved the bit about him continuously asking for her hand. (Forever Friend-zoned! xD) Each person had their own unique persona, quirks, and temperament, which was fun to read.

Mechanics-wise, I saw a lot of very long sentences in the beginning. A good rule of thumb that I've found helps me out in writing, is this: if you read your sentence aloud, and you have to pause, throw a comma in there. I spend a LOT of time restructuring, shifting sentences around, and the like to get the feel I want in my story. There were a few grammatical errors, but those are expected, and they didn't take away from the story too much, so I won't nit-pick. A good proof-reading, perhaps from someone besides yourself, will catch a lot of these little blurps, if you're looking to get it officially judged or whatnot. Otherwise, you're golden.

Communication between your characters was never wooden, and didn't seem forced as a lot of verbal interaction in stories tends to be. You've done well in providing content and back and forth between the two, and with your character overall. That being said, I did notice, (as Drum pointed out above), that the back and forth kind of fizzled out a bit towards the end. I think it's mostly because of the rush to get the extra points, and it wasn't overly pronounced, so I think it's fine.

I really loved the way you included the prose at the beginning of this thread. It was a lovely read, and gave a little more of a personal look into your character and her situation. You transitioned well, and it honestly felt as though I was sitting in a tavern with you and listening to a story told over a mug of ale. You drew in the reader nicely, offered them a blanket and weaved your story nearly flawlessly. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm interested to see how both your writing and your story progresses. Cheers! :D

[Philomel]

Thread is now CLOSED. Rewards will be posted in due course.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary Rewards:
a Fistful of Coin (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29910-Workshop-A-Fist-Full-of-Coin)

Bard (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18394-Bard) receives:
100 EXP
20 GP

Medeia (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18038-Medeia) receives:
100 EXP
20 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!