Every Single Step {The Mongrel v Logan McCloud -- CLOSED}

[Logan]

Logan's aggression was at an all-time high and he needed to relieve some of the pent up frustration. The favorite choice for taking care of such was the Citadel, always the Citadel. There was something to fighting a foe one on one and going all out, especially with the knowledge even if he were to die he would be revived by the Ai'Brone monks.

With a smirk, he twisted the doorknob leading to his chosen arena which was a throwback to one of his favorite battle arenas from his past. He slid through the door with a bounce to his step, and as his feet touched the tiled floor he grinned wide at the sight of the two large sliding glass doors. The entire panes opened before him as he got close. He took a step back, and they closed. The psion knew the magic involved in such a contraption had to be immense.

As he passed through the sliding glass doors, he moved up to a couple of rows of counters upon which sat devices he learned of long ago. With the right sequence of buttons pushed, a hidden drawer would spring open and make a 'cha-ching' sound. If he were lucky enough, gold pieces would be his prize. He quickly pressed a bunch of buttons over and over until eventually the drawer sprang open revealing no gold pieces. Logan pocketed the few pieces of paper in the drawer and then closed it. The paper was worthless, but he figured it might come in handy for some purpose later.

Making he way down one of the sixteen aisles, he paused as his eyes fell upon the all too familiar plastic swords. For some reason in that arena the swords at his sides were useless, but the plastic swords hanging beside him were quite useful. He grabbed a couple and ripped them from their cardboard prisons and slid them into the inside of his trenchcoat. His eyes bounced around, and then stopped at an array of tiny brightly colored building blocks.

He knew from experience they made fantastic caltrops if spilled out on the floor, so he grabbed several packages and tossed a couple hundred of the blocks all over the floor of the aisle. If he was lucky, his foe might trip on them or injure themselves. Brandishing the plastic swords, he crouched down behind the end of the aisle and laid in wait.

[The Mongrel]

Radasanth.

Home.

It was good to see it again, the outline of blocky buildings against muddy farmland. It was good to walk its cobblestone streets, to slip around the docks and ghettos like a part of the night. There had been too much running in Raiaera, too much of Pode's deadly forest, too much of Pode herself. There had been too many accolades amid too many sneers. Now officially claimed as a member of my brother's house, I was technically a noble. But that would never change that I will always be a blighted halfbreed.

When given the chance to change that, to become the pure high elf whose life would be much better, I ultimately decided that if I wasn't good enough for them as I was, they weren't worth changing for. But the "honor" of having been the one to strike the final blow to that lying witch had taken its toll. I was recognizable, for one thing.

For another, I'd killed a would-be goddess. Part of me thought I was invincible. Probably Illara. The other part, probably Zarae, thought that was a dangerous attitude to have. So I needed to get my ass kicked.

The safest place to do that was the Citadel, where the mighty went to test their strength. I could have someone do me the favor of kicking my head in until I remembered that in a world of the powerful, I'm still just a mongrel cur.

I removed my green contacts before motioning to the monk that I wanted a room. No matter how well you'll be revived, you don't want shards of glass embedded into your eyeballs. He looked me up and down. "Your weapons will be useless."

I frowned; my weapons were part of my hands. But better forewarned. I nodded, and he ushered me into an arena.

The strange place was set up like a store, except the lights were strange, and so were the objects. Rows of chattering machines and aisles of toys lined up neatly within the smoothly-tiled area. What the hell is this place? Some sort of toy store?

I passed the money machines, looking at the belts that led to them and the alcove in which a person could stand. A button beneath the register read "Alarm!" I breathed, braced, and pushed. All lights cut out, except for flashing blues, and a shrill ringing exploded through the air, cutting through my skull like a knife.

Take it, filter it, ignore it. That wasn't going to be easy, but it would also be distracting to my opponent.

I hurried to the aisles, looking for weapons. Strange swords made of flimsy material - I took one. Strange bows and arrows that were even flimsier. The heads seemed to be some sort of empty rubber half-balls. I took some of those. I still didn't see anyone, but I didn't want to be the last one to the party, so I clambered up the shelves and hunkered down on top. I looked for any heat signature, arrow nocked and ready for action.

[Logan]

Logan lay in wait, patiently thinking over the plan in his mind. At least until the ear-piercing siren wail of the alarm and the sudden onset strobe of the blue lights. Each forced the psion to breathe deep and tune out everything but his singular goal, to find and eliminate his opponent as quickly and efficiently as possible. Perhaps they too were caught off guard, and were disoriented by the sights and sounds of the unfamiliar.

The psion glanced up at a mirrored surface in the corner which showed him a good view of the entire aisle in front of him, and the area to either side. The one thing it did not seem to afford him was a look at his foe, who remained an unknown factor, at least for the moment. A couple of deep breaths preceded him sprinting from his hiding spot to one a couple of aisles over.

A small house made of a plastic material and colored in bright pinks afforded an excellent cover as he attempted to sneak his way inside. Well, it would have if the entrance was just a wee bit too small to fit through. Instead of offering the perfect cover, it became an unfortunate hindrance. He practically wore the plastic house, which if he was lucky might offer some resistance to the many magical bits of mystical merchandise his opponent might consider for use.

[The Mongrel]

There you are. My mouth pulled up into a smirk. Human, obviously. Only a human or an orc could make enough noise to be heard over a blaring alarm. Of the two, only a human would try to hide in something much too small for him. The orc would have just knocked over my shelf and been done with it.

Somehow, I suspected that the human would make more mess than ten orcs. It was just their way.

I leaped from my original perch to the next aisle to get a better vantage on the stumbling, bumbling creature. His head and shoulders were lodged firmly in a dollhouse. "Careful, there. Some little girl will get very upset if you break her dolly's tea set."

I loosed my arrow into the biggest, tenderest unprotected spot. "And you do know that if you're having high tea, the table setting is completely different than for casual tea, do you not? Have you even been invited into the parlor?" I shot another arrow, this time at a window. I didn't intend to hit him with that, but he was already in a ridiculous position. Might as well rub it in.

[Logan]

One advantage a moderately-small plastic toy house had over wooden houses of the same style was lighter weight. Logan was able to swing around at the first words, and the entire house swung with him. His face protruded from a small opening used as a window, and he grimaced half-hunched over. His opponent got the drop on him, and he muttered an incoherent curse under his breath.

As the makeshift arrows took flight, he swung the house to and fro, his upper body swaying back and forth like an enraged serpent or dragon. The plastic swords he intended to use were worthless inside the house, that was until he managed to secure them in his hands and push them through the other two small window openings. Sure, it wasn't the most agile of armor, but it might prove effective if he used it just right.

Taking the offensive, Logan thrust his upper body forward a few times toward the creature who he still had no name for, then twisted to one side and flailed the plastic sword wildly in front of him in hopes of gaining a small bit of distraction. All the while, he focused his essence on her windpipe, slowly suffocating her from within. It would take quite the jolt to break his concentration or to break her free.

[The Mongrel]

I felt the invisible hand clamp down on my throat, starting to slowly squeeze. For a moment I tensed; I'd been strangled nearly to death only recently, at the hands of the Red Witch herself. I tried to breathe in, but it burned my lungs. I was going to have to stop this challenger quickly if I didn't want to suffocate - and I DIDN'T want to suffocate.

My left hand gripped Elendethoa, the legendary sword that had slain the Forgotten One, and I willed it to activate.

Another me appeared below, slashing at the caster's face. She wasn't real, neither was her weapon, but she would serve as a distraction.

I launched from my perch the second she appeared, drawing my false sword on the way down. I tumbled and twisted in the air, landing lightly behind him in the barely-lit aisle, and I stabbed upward, trying to get into the dollhouse and his vital organs. I'd take any sort of ass kicking, provided the opponent was capable. It was what I'd come for. Any kind of ass kicking... but not strangulation.

[Logan]

The distraction definitely worked, long enough for his opponent to leap behind him. Logan couldn't quite reach the imaginary foe, though, so he had to turn sideways so his one arm could actually reach it. In doing so, as unfortunate as it may have been for his foe, the psion effectively parried the toy sword thrust without realizing it. The faux foe felt quick real to the psion, looked quite real to the psion, acted quite real to the psion, but as it began to actually land a blow or two, he realized it was nothing more than illusion magic.

The thrust at his backside, which quickly had become his actual side, bounced off the plastic house much as one would expect a plastic toy sword to bounce off a plastic toy house. The psion attempted to sieze the opportunity, and wiggled his toy sword to and fro aiming for the face of his true opponent. If the blow hit, it would spell the end, surely. He readied for a counter, though, just in case.

[The Mongrel]

Wild flailing. He'd neatly joined the fray with the illusion, and with me he was flailing, just like a faun would do in an alligator's lake. I have more than half a century of experience, I am one of the top members of one of Corone's most wide-reaching criminal networks, and he dares wriggle like a child? He dares?!

I clenched my toes, flattening the ridges on the bottoms of my boots, and slid backward, withdrawing my sword. I saw my opponent ready another attack, crouching low and readying his blade, but he was moving at the speed of humanity; slow in the moment of need. Maybe next century he'd be timely. Of course, he wasn't going to last that long.

I kicked off, charging him at speeds a galloping horse couldn't match. He stood, ready to meet me in mortal combat, but that wasn't my intention. Halfway into my charge, I swung my sword, flinging a melange of bouncing rubber balls and marbles at his face. The blue lights flickered with the alarm's blares. Loud and dark, bright and quiet.

In one of those moments, I was up and over the shelves, in an aisle with so much armament the Alerian army would be envious. All of it was obnoxiously colored and fake, naturally, and the ammunition looked like sponge, but the laws of reality were different in the arena.

Waste not, want not, as the humans say.

I started arming myself.

[Logan]

Logan was only mildly prepared for the onslaught of balls and marbles, barely able to steady himself as he wiggled this way and that among the most annoying of attacks. He wouldn't be able to muster much more offense so long as he remained stuck in the toy house, and so, as he saw a flash of his opponent flying expertly over the top of the aisle, he rammed the house into the same side of the aisle she just leaped over.

The plastic sides of the house buckled and broke apart, finally freeing him into the openness of the store once more. The two were on more equal footing, and the psion was fairly certain he could best her if he truly put his mind to it. He slinked to the end of the aisle, readying ten of the small robot men and setting them free down the aisle. It was a diversion, but he was only half-hoping she would fall for it. What would be the fun in an easy kill?

[The Mongrel]

Gears grinded beneath the sound of the alarms, making high-pitched, desperate whirrs that nonetheless sent chills racing down my spine.

Fuck no. I am not dealing with this Alerian shit today. There were times I couldn't even deal with my life-long mechanical spider, Oscar. I slid to the other end of the aisle in an instant, and there I found a net full of large balls. What the hell. A quick yank sent them flooding to the robots, and I scooted to the next aisle, one that was littered with a mix of blocks. It was good enough.

I held there, rifle aimed toward my front, peripheral vision watching my sides, and pistols at my hips. Wasn't this what humans liked? To go out in a blaze of glory?

[Logan]

The balls were a nice touch, but one he'd experience exactly one aisle over. It wasn't exactly unique to him, especially only a few moments after the first attempt with them. Still, they were effective in eliminating the robot men. Logan snapped his fingers in disgust at his unluckiness. He would need to be far more clever if he wanted to succeed. He peeked up at the mirror object in the corner of the aisle and saw his opponent readying a gun.

A gun, really? What are we, mongrels?

The thought made the psion chuckle a bit. After all, they were in a store full of toys and other merchandise the likes of which only Alerar could possibly equal. He dove from the edge of the aisle to the other side in hopes to reach the side with the building block packages, but in doing so left himself completely vulnerable to a well-timed shot.

[The Mongrel]

Too brash. Too clumsy. Too slow.

I pulled the trigger, and a hollow clack launched the sponge bolt into my opponent's head. I pulled the mechanism back, and another series of clacks emptied another few rounds into his torso, just to make sure he wasn't getting back up.

Unsatisfied in my victory, I looked around the store. Darkness still flickered in time with the skull-sawing alarm. Toys lay scattered across the once-pristine aisles. Humans!

"What a mess," I addressed my fallen adversary. "Edanen. So typical." I let the rifle fall and turned, heading for a pristine aisle so I could leave the arena.

What a mess. I'd need to find someone else to teach me that I wasn't invincible.

What. A. Mess.

[Logan]

The spongy bolt landed true, but it didn't slice into the psion. Instead, the arena's lights all went out simultaneously. No more alarm, no more siren. No more robot men. No more plastic toy swords. Everything was silent and still. The pitch black carried on for minutes, then a voice echoed throughout the void.

"Flawless Victory!"

Logan was bested, and even though it wasn't the highest caliber of competitions it was still a relief of all the stress. The two combatants, thrust into an unfamiliar arena and setting, were awarded with the knowledge knowing they adapted valiantly in the midst of unexpected circumstances. Neither wavered in their intent to see their foe slain, but ultimately only one could win the fight.

The psion mentally tipped his cap to his opponent who bested him fair and square in an arena he chose. He still did not know who she was, but he held an immense amount of respect for her commitment and dedication. Not many who entered such an arena would fair so effectively. She was one he would surely cross paths with once again.

[Philomel]

Thread Title: Every Single Step (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29919-Every-Single-Step-The-Mongrel-v-Logan-McCloud-CLOSED/page2)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Logan vs The Mongrel



Plot: 12 --- 14

Story- 5/10---6/10

Logan: Plot overall was pretty good. You had a good beginning, middle and end. The end was a little fast and somewhat flimsy, and you could have perhaps done a lot more with the story rather than just having Logan there, wanting to fight. There seemed to be something missing from the battle, other than a sense of purpose - and perhaps it was a good bland of reality. For beyond the odd setting there was also a lot of things taken for granted and actions that maybe were out of the blue and not really purposeful, such as hiding in the doll's house, then walking with it. These are god for funny reasons, but add nothing to plot.

The Mongrel: Likewise to Logan you have a good grasp of beginning, middle and end, and wrap things up neatly. It is a little odd of how your character dies, of how a toy rifle could have killed her (or if it was a toy one at all as it was mentioned that 'your weapons' at the beginning would not work). Most of the plot was good and funny at times, but its strange mix of seriousness from your character's perspective made it confusing.

Setting- 4/10---5/10

Logan: With setting you do describe well, and identifying varying features, using them to your use (the mirror in post 3). The major problem, however, is that you do not explain well at all how an arcade arena came to Logan's mind. From what one can gain from his background there is little connection to earth, and by using "plastic," a substance that is not actually made in Althanas, you undermine a great mistake. The setting is clever and unique, but certainly it causes a great amount of confusion in the reader's mind. If you had a good reason that Logan would know about these things, or why a monk would, and detailed that, this thread would be much stronger. Other things you could use to excell in your setting, other than sound ("cha-ching", post 1) is by use of adjectives and describing all the bright colours.

The Mongrel: More ideally you do have your character deal with the out-of-time-and-place setting better than Logan, adapting more so with the arcade without using words such as "plastic" ("strange place" post 2). It would have been better, however, to see more wonder over the items, things and a material your character has never seen before. You do describe them well, but certainly you also can make use of various other senses to really bring setting to life.

Pacing- 3/10---3/10

Logan: Pacing was more or less good, with enough time to properly understand what was going on. What it lacked though, was a proper rise and fall of action and even a deneumont, which is almost vital in a battle. The ending was far too slow and spread out, and really it was a shame for the whole idea of the battle was really good, but the pacing was far too "same" all the way through.

The Mongrel: Please see comments for Logan as the same applies here.



Character: 19 --- 22

Communication- 5/10---7/10

Logan: Your character has a strong voice ... except this is not really seen in this thread. There is next to no dialogue from your character, not even when there is conversational comments made by the opponent. Replying to these (though they are not direct questions) are some of the things that can help bring your character more to life. Try to balance more of communication with action, that is very much your strong point here.

The Mongrel: Though you could more or less do with more communication, you do have a tone and a consistency to your character's voice that adds some mroe depth to her. They hint at a little bit of humour within the unusual arena, complementing it. Particularly highlighted in post 4 with "Some little girl will get very upset if you break her dolly's tea set," you have a good base, though in general more communication would be good.

Action-7/10---7/10

Logan: Going with the light-heartedness of the thread your actions are pretty funny. They all have purpose and direction. They are your grounding for a good character setting here, though in general perhaps overpower communication and persona a little.

The Mongrel: Your actions aid the overall battle well, and give it a little more fight than perhaps Logan's do. There are moments of hiding ("I was up and over the shelves" in post 8) and hilarity but overall you give a strength to the battle that helps with the plot. What you could do further to improve is to add more description into them.

Persona- 7/10---8/10

Logan: You did really well here, placing some persona directly as personal thought, which this judge has found you sometimes lack in. In post 11 you have, "gun, really? What are we, mongrels?" which not only is a rather interesting pun on the opponent's name but also a good insight to Logan's mind. You could add more of this, and more indirect thought so keep going!

The Mongrel: By using first person voice the reader receives a really profound insight to Illara's mind and personality. Posts such as 8 really powerfully show what goes on in her head and what is leading her to do this fight. It shows the why, the how etc, questions which are often key. Really well done.



Prose: 16 --- 19

Mechanics- 5/10---6/10

Logan: There are unfortunately a fair few spelling mistakes in your piece, ("sieze" should be "seize" in post 7) which nothing more than a quick auto-correct and an edit would help with. You could also use some more shorter paragraphs, even single sentence ones to add more powerful pacing to your piece, however the actual mechanics of paragraphing is mostly correct. Try keeping your posts also at equal length in future as this helps a visual overall balance to the piece.

The Mongrel: There were not obvious spelling mistakes or sentence structure mistakes in your posts. One good thing to see would be to perhaps separate out your pieces of speech in separate paragraphs for neatness and ease of reading. Overall good in basics, but you have scope to definitely be more ambitious in your sentence structure and paragraphing.

Clarity- 5/10---6/10

Logan: As mentioned in setting the fact that there is no explanation as to how the arcade was imagined there (see Setting details). In this case, clarity is not only affected by the plot or the story itself but setting. Overall the plot itself is more or less clear, though things can become confusing in posts 9 and 11, requiring the reader to take a double take.

The Mongrel: Clarity is a strong point for you here. There was not many times when the reader (the judge, i.e. me) needed to read around, the only real one was in post 6. I got everything more or less in one read, and got all the clear movements. You also managed to make the scene realistic in terms of your character, which very much helps.

Both: One major thing was with the rifle at the end - it was a little confusing whether this was real or not, just a toy. It was never fully desribed and it was little mentioned for its reality (or lack thereof) in the following posts. For this and its importance in the plot, points were deducted.

Technique- 6/10---7/10

Logan: It is really great here to see you use simile, sich as "his upper body swaying back and forth like an enraged serpent or dragon" in post 5. This is a good sign of your developing technique. You have a basic hold of description, but other than this simile there is some more scope for you to add complex adjective combinations etc to really pull your reader into the unusual setting.

The Mongrel: What you have here is a very good basis for technique. It is clear that you are getting much better as a writer, thus your wildcard points are unusually high. Some parts of your writing are particularly great, an example being "a galloping horse couldn't match" in post 8 to express your speed, and further pieces of this type of description will only help strengthen your writing.



Wildcard: 6 --- 7

The respective wildcard points here go to Logan for effort, and The Mongrel for great development in her writing respectively.



Final Score: 53---62

The Mongrel (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17739-The-Mongrel) Wins!:


5775 EXP!
75 GP!

Congratulations!


Logan (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?51-Logan) Receives:


1575 EXP!
75 GP!


EXP includes 3x Althanas Day Rewards

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________________

Judgement Re-Assessment: Every Single Step

This judgement has been re-assessed. Many apologies for the delay, however with suddenness on workload the audit was stalled for some time. This has been created with help from Tobias Stalt as an audit authority. The commentary here is similar to what was but with edits. Scores have been kept the same but commentary re-written.

Plot: 12 --- 14

Story- 5/10---6/10



Logan: Plot overall was pretty good. You had a good beginning, middle and end. The end was a little fast however and somewhat flimsy, but there is a sense that Logan is there to relieve stress coming from your first post. For beyond the odd setting there was also a lot of things taken for granted and actions that maybe were out of the blue and not really purposeful, such as hiding in the doll's house, then walking with it. There are a few plot holes that can be seen, things that happen without purpose, and sometimes it is really good to have a story where all the threads tie up at the end. A really good solid story with great fun, but perhaps in future think about even the smallest details.

The Mongrel: Likewise to Logan you have a good grasp of beginning, middle and end, and wrap things up neatly. There was a really good tight ending, and a hilarious tale exenuated by remarks, the only thing was at times the strange mix of seriousness from your character's perspective made it confusing.

Setting- 4/10---5/10



Logan: With setting you do describe well, and identifying varying features, using them to your use (the mirror in post 3). The major problem, however, is that you do not explain well at all how an arcade arena came to Logan's mind. From what one can gain from his background there is little connection to earth, and by using "plastic," a substance that is not actually made in Althanas, there is something of the confusing here. If you had a good reason that Logan would know about these things, or why a monk would, and detailed that, this thread would be stronger. Other things you could use to excell in your setting, other than sound ("cha-ching", post 1) is by use of adjectives and describing all the bright colours.

The Mongrel: More ideally you do have your character deal with the out-of-time-and-place setting better than Logan, adapting more so with the arcade without using words such as "plastic" ("strange place" post 2). It would have been better, however, to see more wonder over the items, things and a material your character has never seen before. You do describe them well, but certainly you also can make use of various other senses to really bring setting to life.

Pacing- 3/10---3/10



Logan: Pacing was more or less good, with enough time to properly understand what was going on. What it lacked though, was a proper rise and fall of action and even a deneumont, which is almost vital in a battle. This would really help if you used such techniques as deneumont or a cliff hanger. It was well paced in terms of paragraphing and even sentence-structure but perhaps consider adding in a faster tempo towards the end in future.

The Mongrel: Please see comments for Logan as the same applies here.


Character: 19 --- 22

Communication- 5/10---7/10



Logan: There is next to no dialogue from your character, not even when there is conversational comments made by the opponent. Replying to these (though they are not direct questions) are some of the things that can help bring your character more to life. Try to balance more of communication with action, that is very much your strong point here.

The Mongrel: Though you could more or less do with more communication, you do have a tone and a consistency to your character's voice that adds depth to her. They hint at a little bit of humour within the unusual arena, complementing it. Particularly highlighted in post 4 with "Some little girl will get very upset if you break her dolly's tea set," you have a good base, though in general more communication would be good.

Action-7/10---7/10



Logan: Going with the light-heartedness of the thread your actions are pretty funny. They all have purpose and direction. They are your grounding for a good character setting here, though in general perhaps overpower communication and persona a little. The actions are strong and they use their surroundings well, such as hiding with the abstract items. It really helps to carry a thread, and even hint at your character's personality. One thing to do is to establish habits in future that are unique to your character, but overall really well done.

The Mongrel: Your actions aid the overall battle well, and give it a little more fight than perhaps Logan's do. There are moments of hiding ("I was up and over the shelves" in post 8) and hilarity but overall you give a strength to the battle that helps with the plot. What you could do further to improve is to add more description into them, such as more use of adverbs. Some things, such as having contacts in post 2 are a little confusing, as to where your character got them in a fantasy setting, but they are defined well.

Persona- 7/10---8/10



Logan: You did really well here, placing some persona directly as personal thought, which this judge has found you sometimes lack in. In post 11 you have, "gun, really? What are we, mongrels?" which not only is a rather interesting pun on the opponent's name but also a good insight to Logan's mind. One thing that jars slightly, however, is that Logan is a cunning character, yet he goes straight in at full blast looking for a fight. There is reason to define why he wants a fight, but a little bit of a contradiction here to look out for in the future.

The Mongrel: By using first person voice the reader receives a really profound insight to Illara's mind and personality. Posts such as 8 really powerfully show what goes on in her head and what is leading her to do this fight. It shows the why, the how etc, questions which are often key. Really well done.


Prose: 16 --- 19

Mechanics- 5/10---6/10



Logan: There are unfortunately a fair few spelling mistakes in your piece, ("sieze" should be "seize" in post 7) which nothing more than a quick auto-correct and an edit would help with. You could also use some more shorter paragraphs, even single sentence ones to add more powerful pacing to your piece, however the actual mechanics of paragraphing is mostly correct. Try keeping your posts also at equal length in future as this helps a visual overall balance to the piece.

The Mongrel: There were no obvious spelling mistakes or sentence structure mistakes in your posts. One good thing to see would be to perhaps separate out your pieces of speech in separate paragraphs for neatness and ease of reading, though this is not strictly a rule of English it does help in terms of clarity. Overall good in basics, but you have scope to definitely be more ambitious in your sentence structure and paragraphing. Try using shorter ones for rise in tension (see Pacing).

Clarity- 5/10---6/10



Logan: Clarity is more or less done really well. You have a good sense of character and the actions Logan takes and this displays well in your writing. Things are defined in terms of writing, and it is not easy to be distracted aside from the small details. What could help is narrowing down the chaotic setting a little to concentrate more on your character himself, though you do definitely have a strong point in your actions.

The Mongrel: Clarity is a strong point for you here. There was not many times when the reader needs to read around, the only real one was in post 6. I got everything more or less in one read, and got all the clear movements. You also managed to make the scene realistic in terms of your character, which very much helps.


Technique- 6/10---7/10



Logan: It is really great here to see you use simile, sich as "his upper body swaying back and forth like an enraged serpent or dragon" in post 5. You have a basic hold of description in this thread, but other than this simile there is some more scope for you to add more metaphors and imagery. There could have been a continued metaphor about stress and play or similar that you almost touched on at times but missed overall somewhat.

The Mongrel: Some parts of your writing are particularly great, an example being "a galloping horse couldn't match" in post 8 to express your speed, and further pieces of this type of description will only help strengthen your writing. There are simple parts of description in post two with "blocky buildings and muddy farmland" (the alliteration here is particularly great) but more ambitious words here could really bring out some more of technique.


Wildcard: 6 --- 7

Wildcard goes to a really funny battle that was fun and easy to read. A great joy that is very different from the usual serious battle.

Extra rewards:

100 GP to be given to The Mongrel (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17739-The-Mongrel)and Logan (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?51-Logan).

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added!