The Insufferable vs. The Unpronounceable

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

Closed.

I stood on the raised stone platform, the setting sun warming the back of my neck. Assembled all around me on all four sides of the perfectly square, waist-high hunk of rock were hundreds of warriors from throughout the world. Nomads from the frozen tundras of Salvar. Knights and mercenaries from Corone and Scara Brae. Spellswords from the elven countries and beyond. Every single one of them had bloodlust in their eyes, and eagerness etched across their varied faces. They had come here for a chance to take on the famed Citadel battler and former Dajas Pagoda Warrior Madison Freebird!

And take me on, they shall!

...One at a time, of course. I mean, let's be fair here...

Slowly, I began spinning around in a circle, meeting each and every single one of the hopeful combatants in the eye. My tinny voice boomed with uncharacteristic power and swagger as I spoke. "Which one of you will get the first crack at glory? Will it be you--?" I pointed a gnarled finger at a man with a chain mail shirt and a tunic bearing the colors of an Underwood mercenary company. "Or, perhaps it will be you?" I turned and faced a half elf sorcerer, his wide-brimmed sack cloth hat drooping over his eyes in a very inconvenient manner.

"It doesn't really matter to me," I said with a grin. "First brave and unfortunate soul gets to show the rest of you sad sacks what sort of ultraviolence you're in for."

I threw my arms out, absolutely begging for the first challenger to step forward. "So what are you waiting for?! Come get some!"

[Taische]

The benefit of being the daughter of a clairvoyant who could tell where she was and if she was in real trouble was that sometimes she could wander off on her own, wherever she was. The fact that her mother hadn't come charging into the big step pyramid and dragged her out meant that she was probably fine. When the vine-handed lady issued her challenge, a few big warriors flinched back, but she raised her arm high, jumping so she could be seen, then running to the big dias and climbing on. That took some effort; it came up to her chin.

"Oof. One minute. I got it." The child had no armor, just a simple cotton play dress that went to her knees. She pushed her unrestrained black hair back when she managed to get up into the arena and grinned brightly. "I'll do the ultra-bilence!" She grinned brightly, standing up to her full height of not quite five feet.

The crowds murmured, and the champion of the ring frowned. "Sweetie, this is a battlefield. People will die. It isn't a playground." She made a shooing motion with her hand.

The child tilted her head. "My name is Taische. And I can fight. I gotta stick and everything." She pulled out her little staff with its resin knob. "I'm really strong. Really." A flicker of gold passed through her eyes, and all of a sudden, the air around Maddy's head got extremely thin.

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

I immediately felt the effects of whatever spell the little black-haired brat cast. It was kind of hard not to--I found myself suddenly unable to breath.

"You little shit--!" I managed to croak out before catching myself, wasting valuable oxygen in an effort to cuss out the child.

As the crowd of warriors and casters and mercenaries drew closer to the edge of the platform to get a better view of the action, I filled my briar-knit hands with pools of acid, which quickly solidified in the dry, hot desert air. The acid formed into sharp shards of glass-like crystals, meant to lacerate and tear the flesh and muscle of whoever they were aimed at. The vines in the palms of my hands parted, and several pods capable of producing high-pressure blasts of air emerged.

I threw my hands towards her and fired. The acidic shards immediately splintered and rocketed through the air towards the soon-to-be dead girl.

[Taische]

When the plant lady clenched her fists, Taische ran forward a few steps, holding her hands up and open. She felt the heat crackling around her fingers and the stone thrumming beneath her toes. It screamed a warning to her; she didn't want to be too close. She wasn't a fool; if the thorny woman thought she was strong enough to take on the whole entire crowd, then she had to be almost as strong as Taische's own mother. She had to be dangerous.

But so was Taische.

When the crystals launched at her, she let loose with a blast of her own. Flame engulfed her hands, then launched at the black-haired woman and through her attack. Hissing droplets splattered to the ground, except for a straggler, which burned along her right leg, leaving a nasty, blistering welt. "Ow!" She bit her lip. She was tougher than that!

"I told you I'm strong. Really strong. And it's rude to not introduce yourself when you're fighting." Her little mouth set into a scowl.

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

Fire.

Not a lot can give me cause to pause, but fire certainly can do it. Especially when, you know, my arms are made of plant material and the thing beating inside my rib cage is basically an amalgamation of various forest-related things. Those kind of things happen to burn away pretty quickly.

As the fiery blast burst through the air in my direction, I quickly dropped my center of gravity and sprung out of the way. My shoulder hit the smooth rock of the arena pretty hard, but it didn't stop my momentum as I rolled through and rose to my feet once more. The girl's attack spread out into the audience behind me, sending the various onlookers scattering for cover.

I tried to regain my breath, but wasn't drawing in air I could actually breathe. This was going to be a major problem--I had to murder this little shit, and I had to do it fast.

I allowed myself to fall into a very dark place for a brief moment. I felt the shards of a Forgotten One's soul stirring in my own, her vile power seeping out and into my body. The vines on my arms turned blood red as I channeled her infinite hatred and allowed it to mingle with my own. I did not like using her powers, especially after her betrayal in the Red Forest; but desperate times called for desperate measures.

As I slowly opened my eyes, a loud, infernal buzzing filled the air. My vines began to part enough to allow dozens upon dozens of direwasps to crawl out and take flight. The throngs of warriors in waiting let out an audible gasp as they witnessed a level of sorcery they had not seen before, nor had they expected from me.

The buzzing was now unbearable as the gigantic pests took flight, circling around me, awaiting my command. Let's see what other tricks you got, kid, I mused to myself.

With a single thought, "swarm her!", the direwasps darted towards her in three general arcs--one to the left, one to the right, and the last group overhead. Their stingers were extended as the monstrous insects sought her soft, dark skin.

[Taische]

Taische gasped at the horde of wasps that rose into the orange and purple sky. Their buzzing filled the air, a song of poison and death. She whimpered when they launched toward her, stumbling back a few steps and clutching her staff. Cute little bumble bees were one thing. Murder wasps were quite another. She couldn't get them all with fire, she couldn't out run them, but maybe...

Just before the head of the swarm reached her, Taische held up her hands. The air thickened, then liquefied, answering her call for water. She whipped her fist around, slapping a dozen away. They twitched on the ground, stingers jerking for her but never able to reach. A few wasps got through her next swipe, jabbing stingers into her arms, feet, and face. They felt like being hit by a fake arrow during blocking practice, only a hundred times more painful.

A high-pitched shrill of agony and terror tore from her throat, but she didn't grab for the ones stinging and biting her, instead flailing her rapidly-diminishing water at the rest of the swarm and keeping one thought in her head: don't let her breathe.

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

The shrill, high-pitched sounds of the little girl screaming bloody murder were music to my ears. She put up a brave front for a few seconds--but once the swarm of direwasps chased after her, her facade folded like a house of cards.

She tapped into her own magic reserves to create water from the air, and started flailing around in order to drench all the angry insects and render them unable to fly. However, my little hateybugs are craftier than that; several got through her attempts to deflect them--enough got through the liquid slashes and jammed their stingers into her soft flesh.

I could only imagine the pain she must be feeling. A small smile crossed my lips at the thought. Miserable little wretch, I thought to myself. This will teach you to challenge someone out of your league.

I took two steps forwards and started to feel woozy. I had been holding my breath for what had to have been just under a minute. My brain was starting to feel the effects of oxygen deprivation--I had to finish this fight, and finish it now.

As I moved forward again, I took a chance and breathed in the air around me. Much to my surprise, I found that I was able to take air in my lungs again. It burned on its way in. I could feel my head starting to clear. My grin widened as I approached the girl, who was still lashing out at the wasps that swarmed around her in dizzying circles. I balled my fists up, and wrapped them up with several lengths of vines that grew out from my wrists. About ten feet away from the little creature, thick, pointy thorns sprouted from the vines that encased my hands.

I broke out into a full run, and drew back my right fist, ready to part the sea of stingers and smash her goddamned face in.

[Taische]

Hot tears ran down Taische's face, her body trembled beneath the ferocious onslaught of the wasps. She didn't know when, but she'd fallen to her knees at some point, unable to stand and take the brutal assault. Her breath came in gasps, and her hands slapped futilely at the insects. Through blurry vision, she saw a pattern swim in the corpses of the attacking insects. Her entire body felt like fiery ice was running through her veins, and she was sweating, freezing. And death grew on swift branches.

Taische's little face turned up, pale with pain as Madison charged her. Her lips curled into a ferocious snarl, and her hair twisted with heat. Her hands pulled dead insects off of her arms and clenched. The air shimmered around her for an instant, and a roiling burst of nearly-blue fire exploded from her body, engulfing her and spreading out in all directions to fifteen feet from where she crouched.

The girl stumbled to her feet, grabbing her staff and clutching the resin, lighting it on fire. She wobbled and nearly fell. Blood streamed from a dozen sting wounds. But her eyes glowed gold, and she glowered at Madison, willing her to burn with all she had in her.

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

I was mere feet from knocking the little girl's jaw clean off her face when suddenly she erupted in a brilliant flash of blue flame. My eyes went wide, I let out a gasp, and the vines in my hands parted to reveal the fungal pods that produce the red spores that would eat the spell and protect me. I pushed my hands forward and expelled the spores--

--which promptly clung to the fingers of my clenched fists, wrapped up tight in thorny briars.

The wave of blue flames crashed into me, immediately setting me on fire. My cries turned to bloody screams as every nerve ending in my body burned with incredible, indescribable pain. The crowd assembled at the foot of the stone platform began to shout in horror as I danced around in a circle, trying desperately to wave the licking flames off me to no avail.

I'm able to catch a glance of the little thing, leaning against her burning staff defiantly, challenging me with that baleful glare of hers.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move, to think, to even be. I know I don't have much time left here--seconds, really--despite my body working furiously to heal itself before the flames can consume me whole.

"You little fucker!" I manage to shriek at the girl as the my rapidly-burning arms turn red and I tap into the Forgotten One's hatred once more. Instead of the direwasps this time, I dug deeper into my malice and anger. I took one last breath, pictured the little shit in my mind's eye, and commanded a flurry of ruilserk vines to manifest themselves inside her skull and chest cavity, take root in the muscle, and willed them to explode through her flesh and skull as I fell face-first to the floor.

[Taische]

Taische's jaw set hard while Madison danced around the arena. She took no joy in the bitter, acrid scents of burning hair, flesh, and toxic plants. She took no joy in the woman's pain. She'd done what she had to do to survive. Really, she wanted to throw up, both from her own pain and from the sight of having taken a life.

The last embers of the dying sun flickered out when the Briarheart fell, and Taische let out a deep sigh.

Then her vision went blurry. A tightness squirmed in her chest. Second by second, the discomfort grew, blossoming into pain beyond belief. The little girl fell, curling up and clutching at her chest and head, but it was all for naught. Mere moments after Madison disintegrated into ash, Taische exploded in a wash of gore and bone fragments.


~*~*~

She woke up a little later in a cold room that only had a mat in it. A gentle hand rested on her forehead, and her eyes opened to see her mother's golden face hovering over her, worried, sick, and angry. Karuka let out a relieved breath when her daughter awakened, and pulled her into a hug. Taische clung on in return.

"I letcha have a tiny wee bit of freedom t'day b'cause I'd told y' very specifically what y'were allowed t' do. What were y' thinkin', goin' off int' here an' gettin' yerself killed?"

Taische's lip trembled. She remembered how awful the ultra-violence had been. She remembered how much it had hurt. "I just...I just wanted to be strong like you."

Karu stroked her daughter's hair. "Yer plenty strong, wee bit. Y' don't have t' go provin' it. 'Specially not now. Y've plenty of time t' grow an' learn an' get stronger. B'sides, I wasn't goin' an' gettin' myself int' trouble until I was near twice yer age. I still avoid it, if I can."

"How often can you?" The little girl wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"Not as often as I'd like. C'mon. Let's go getcha some water, an' don't y' ever come back in here again until yer at least sixteen."

Taische slid off the hard pallet, walking obediently for the door with her hand in her mother's. "I'm sorry. I won't."

"Good lass."

[Logan]

BlackandBlueEyes


Plot: 14/30


Story - 5/10

This one felt rushed from beginning to end, and further exacerbating this is a lack of really developing a beginning. It is just kind of all happening, and there isn’t really a clear reason why Madison is in the Citadel for this particular battle. This battle reads like the middle of a story, missing its beginning AND its end, at least for Madison.

Setting - 6/10

The setting is a flat, 2D backdrop for this battle throughout the vast majority of the thread. I gave a bit of credit for utilizing the crowd around, but there were ample opportunities to use it more. The acid when it was repelled could have easily injured a few spectators. The buzzing of Madison’s swarm could have been shown instead of just told (as mentioned below) to really paint the scene instead of just telling it.

Pacing - 3/10

This thread absolutely tore at a breakneck speed, and suspicion points to it being an Althanas Day battle most likely with the intent to start and finish it within a single day. You accomplished that feat, but in the process also hurt yourselves quite a bit in the pacing. At times it was okay, but at times it was extremely rushed. I would love to read another battle between these two outside the confines of it being written in a single day.


Character: 21/30
Communication - 7/10

There isn’t much communication, and none of it is out of the ordinary for the characters. There isn’t anything to necessarily point at and say ‘this is an example of bad communication’, but in the same token there is nothing that really feels like the communication sets itself apart from any other story. I did appreciate the couple of times Madison called Taische a little shit though. That elicited a chuckle from me.

Action - 7/10

Much like with Communication, there just isn’t much that stands out. It is just a hurriedly done battle, and while it isn’t bad, it isn’t as good as it could be.

Persona- 7/10

There is a clearly defined persona for Madison, and it shows. Actions, dialogue, body language, thoughts, and everything with her is specific and just unique enough to be ‘Madison Freebird’-esque, which is impressive. The problem I had with this thread is that with all of the good, there wasn’t anything substantial. There was zero character development. She was the same as when she entered, except more dead.


Prose: 18/30

Mechanics - 5/10

While your mechanics aren’t horribly flawed, you make the same repetitious mistakes over and over. A few extra minutes or proofing would help tremendously, but you know that by now. Some examples follow to truly drive this point home. Post one, the third through fifth lines are all fragments and could be combined into one sentence for better form, especially with the sixth line. Post three, the third paragraph there is an instance of a preposition ending a sentence, and that is bad form. Post five, ‘Those kind of things’ is improper. Kind of things is referring to the plural ‘forest-related things’, and thus should be plural itself. ‘Those kinds of things’ would be better form there. Otherwise, it may be best to reword the entire line to not use ‘those’ and ‘kind of things’, and it is just awkward either way really. Post five, fourth paragraph last line has a semicolon followed by a conjunction. Either use a comma and the conjunction or just the semicolon. Avoid using both as it is repetitive and unnecessary. Verb tense changes happen in the seventh and ninth posts, and it really hurts your mechanics in this instance.

Clarity - 6/10

Clarity throughout the thread is mostly okay, but specifically post five, ‘...her vile power seeping out and into my body.’ is a bit confusing considering the prior line explains the Forgotten One’s soul is stirring within Madison’s own soul. So, with that in mind, how can the power seep out? A better way to handle this might be to just remove ‘out and’ and leave it just ‘...her vile power seeping into my body.’ It doesn’t change the meaning, but prevents confusion. There were a couple of other minor spots like this, but they really hurt the overall clarity (at times).

Technique - 7/10

Throughout the thread, technique is pretty straight-forward. Nothing really stands out but the following two points. Post five, second to last paragraph mentions the buzzing as unbearable, but instead of telling the reader that it would be far better form to paint that picture. It is always better to paint the picture rather than tell the story for the sake of maintaining a high level of reader immersion in the scene. Ninth post, the final line of the first paragraph coupled with the first line of the second paragraph utilizes ‘hanging hyphens’, where one line is broken in an artistic pause to heighten anticipation of what happens next. The problem with these hanging hyphens is they are considered bad form, and it would be much better to find another way, perhaps using ellipses.


Wildcard: 7/10

This thread was a great read, but it certainly felt rushed. In reading it, it felt like you both had a solid understanding of your audience and didn’t overwrite it. Well done overall!

Final Score: 60/100



Taische

Plot: 14/30

Story - 6/10

See comments to BaBE on Story, but the point difference comes from you adding in your conclusion with Karuka. It helps create a true closure to the thread, and that was a big deal.

Setting - 5/10

See comments to BaBE on Setting. The loss of point comes from the lack of any use of it. By the end of the thread, in regards to your post, the crowd might as well have not even been there. That hurt you, because BaBE still at least mentioned them. There was far more to use, and it just fell flat here. Paint a dynamic scene for the battle to take place in instead of in front of a flat 2D landscape painting.

Pacing - 3/10

See comments to BaBE on Pacing as they apply here as well.


Character: 19/30

Communication - 6/10

Whereas BaBE’s communication was nothing out of the ordinary, the one or two times Taische tried to communicate it wasn’t enough. Although, the moment where she slips into a child-like speech impediment was cute, it felt out of place or just not well-done. BaBE had more communication, both verbal and non-verbal, and so he received the extra point here.

Action - 6/10

I mention below in Clarity about the confusion with the line where Tiasche is pulling the wasps off her arms, and it hurt your action score as well. The struggle was so strong to connect her pulling them off her arms and her fists clenching -- and the action of the next line, that it just read uncomfortably. Otherwise, everything said in relation to Madison’s actions apply to Taische. Nothing out of the ordinary or over the top, which isn’t bad, it just isn’t enough to warrant a higher score.

Persona- 7/10

This is my first time reading Taische -- that I can recall, and the fact I found a character I could connect with is pretty powerful. The only problem is it isn’t substantial, much like Madison’s persona didn’t shine through as much as it should in this type of thread, neither did it feel like Taische’s did. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t anything more than ordinary, really.


Prose: 20/30

Mechanics - 7/10

Overall, your mechanics were solid, but I wanted to note two specific spots I caught things. Eighth post, first paragraph, ‘...and she was sweating, freezing.’ is most likely poetic license, but would be better form to go with ‘...and she was sweating and freezing.’ since they are two contrasting extremes. And eighth post, second paragraph, ‘Her hands pulled dead insects off of her arms…’ is bad form. Avoid using ‘off of’ in any situation, at any time, anywhere. Remove the ‘of’ and it holds the same intent, without the improper grammar.

Clarity - 7/10

The majority of this thread has wonderfully clear actions, thoughts, dialogue, etc. There were a couple of spots that were a tad bit head-scratching, but this one in particular hurts: eighth post, second paragraph, ‘Her hands pulled dead insects off of her arms and clenched.’ while not truly bad form is still a bit confusing for the reader. A comma between ‘arms’ and ‘and’ adds a needed pause for flow, and also automatically helps with the clarity of the line. I actually read that single line four or five times just trying to figure out what was going on.

Technique - 6/10

Just like with Mechanics, your Technique is overall quite solid. There are a few spots I want to point out for future consideration. Post two, the first line is clunky and is a bit confusing. Lots of ‘she’s and ‘was’s, and it all kind of gets lost in the mix. Sixth post, first paragraph, the lines ‘Cute little bumble bees were one thing. Murder wasps were quite another.’ seems like they could be combined with a semicolon and make for a better flow and better form. It is very nitpicky as it is proper form as-is, but just thought I’d mention it. Finally, eighth post, last line of the first paragraph, ‘And death grew on swift branches.’ while absolutely beautiful and poetic is confusing as heck in this context. Perhaps if it was the end of the post, it might make more sense as it is a wonderfully ending statement. Where it is placed, however, just reads uncomfortably and really kills a very good flow up until that point. It might even be considered unnecessary to the context of the story.


Wildcard: 8/10

See comments to BaBE, but the extra point was awarded for the short exchange with Kaurka as it really does provide a better, fuller conclusion.

Final Score: 61/100



Taische wins in a VERY close one! Congratulations!

BlackandBlueEyes receives 2700 EXP and 50 GP
Taische receives 9900 EXP and 75 GP

[Logan]

Taische - Achievement Get - Reach Level 4! Congrats!!!

EXP and GP added.