Workshop: The Rustling Whispers of Trees

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: The Rustling Whispers of Trees (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29905-the-rustling-whispers-of-trees-solo/page2)
Name of Authors: Vendredi
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 14 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 08/10/2014 (8th October)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Bard]

Author’s note: Please understand, the use of numerical ratings has no impact on the individual, whose thread is being reviewed, but merely reflect the scores I would give if I was judging this thread. It should also be noted, that the nature of Althanas Day could lead an individual to write somewhat faster than normal and lead to errors that might not appear otherwise; having said that, I shall approach the mechanics section as though this was a typical workshop for me.

Storytelling:
9 out of 10

The events in this narrative have a seamless flow to them, A to B, B to C, and so on. The narrative not only progresses forward in time, but the reader (or in my case the listener), gets to understand a great deal about the dynamics of the protagonist both internally and externally. This is very much, to quote Byer Myferd, “a case of peeling the onion on our main character.” A little bit more is revealed each post about his personality and history. We also get tantalizing snapshots of the other three personalities as well. You definitely packed a considerable amount of information into a relatively small space, while not making it feel like a lot of information. The unexpected plot hook, which happens at night with the “piper”, is a fantastic said way into your next thread, which the listener/ reader, if not paying attention might miss, with the bandits and the revelations about the boys and their relationship to the headman . of the village.

Scene:
9 out of 10

The rubric has as part of its system the following statement “your character uses the setting, and the setting uses the character.” Let’s see, trumping around through tangled of routes and limbs and trees, check; being tired out of their minds by walking, check; the darkness and silence playing on your nerves, check; attacks by wildlife, check; more leaves and twigs and general flora, check; yep, there in a dence woodland. No, really, there in a forest, and you don’t have to have been in one to get it either.There’s a whole lot about your descriptions I liked, and while I could probably go on for hours, you probably don’t want to read it… so, the highlights.

“They burrowed deeper and deeper into the woods, taking a warped, twisting path that seemed to spiral towards nowhere. Twigs snapped beneath their feet as the forest grew denser. Soon, the foliage hung so thickly that there was no sunlight to be seen. Soon, the silence of the trees surrounding them grew so dense that even Fii had second thoughts about opening his mouth.” There are several reasons why I liked this part a lot, I mean a lot, really, a lot, and some of reasons I will deal with later. First, it conveys the concept of a forest, particularly a heavily wooded forest extremely well. It conveys the slugging nature of moving through a forest.

“Fii awoke to the sound of music and the sight of a faint white light in the distance, shining between the trees. It was a gentle light, soft with kindness and dancing with grace, weaving further and further away into the dark. It was a pleasing and tender music, singing the song of lonely people beneath the moon that plucked at Fii’s heartstrings, There was a faint shadow following the light, and it looked like the back of a large man.” Here is another one I really enjoyed, you can hear or at the least conjure up the melody, you can almost feel the hush over the forest as the music is played, and the event itself is described in significant detail. Visual, audio, emotions elicited, the whole deal.

Having said all that, the visualization at the very beginning is a bit scanty. The village for instance is hardly described at all. On the one hand, I understand the main point of that ‘scene’ is to provide backdrop for the rest of the narative, as well as to begin illustrating the nature of the characters, but a little description would have been nice here. Provide the reader with some other means for discerning the plight of the village besides the head man.

Pacing:
9 out of 10

You do a very good job building tension, both in regards with character interaction, but from the point of situational tension as well. The scene mentioned previously, you know the one about them marching through a wood and taking an ever increasing complicated path and seeing nothing and going pretty much nowhere, and so on, honestly I thought they were going to get jumped by giant spiders, or some giant cat, or something. It was this expectation of something bad was going to happen just right around the bend (i.e. in your next post), that hooked me. Well that among other things, but I’ll touch on that later. To be a bit more concise however, this thread started out rather well in regards to pacing, there’s a certain level of tension started in the beginning, which is a bit slow, and everything starts to slowly build from there. The only reason why I didn’t give you a ten here, is I’m torn between feeling that the thread ended a bit abruptly at the end, and feeling that the suddenness was necessary for the headway into the next chapter so to speak, where the children are searched for, again.


Communication:
10 out of 10

You might recall at the beginning I said you got a lot of info in a relatively small space, without feeling like it was crammed in; well this played a large role in why that was pulled off in my mind. It was the dialogue. You use internal and external dialogue to convey personality, to convey internal and external tension, and of course to help carry the plot along. Oh, might I add all of it was quite believable, hell I felt that I knew a few of these people. The first person aspect was splendid in addition, as the coloration added something that third person just would not have provided.

Action:
9 out of 10:
One of my favorite parts of this is where you mention that the main character “plays with his daggers, and twiddles his thumbs.” The supreme disinterest that this part naturally ingenders sums up the characters mood and opinion faultlessly. This is not the only case where this happens: the crossed arms at the beginning; the part where he flops down when they finally call a hault;are just some examples of this. So too with the other characters as well, the actions of Eduard, time and time again, his easy-going nature comes through, with the salt for sugar, in the dealing with the head man, in the scenes in the woods. Still, the battle scenes hint that there’s something serious about Eduard, and he can go from easy going to compatent fighter with the flip of a switch.

Persona:
10 out of 10

I’ve touched on this earlier, for the most part with communication, so I’ll merely say, you did a fantastic job at describing internal personality with your main character, and demonstrating aspects of the personality of others through their actions and conversations.

Mechanics:
3 out of 10

At the risk of being the pot that called the kettle black, I noticed a number of spelling and grammatical errors here. Nothing gigantic for the most part, but there were a few that I feel require some comment.

” Fii pursed his lips and shifted in his stance. The raw gratitude in the village head’s eyes unnerved Fii, and it made him feel small and guilty. He had spent seventeen years traveling in a nomad band of whores and mercenaries. He was used to suspicion and distrust and being libelled against.” I believe the word you want here is libeled.

“…I’m a damned masochist, Fii decided somewhere between the first and the sixth village they had passed through. Damned masochist for sticking with this fool.” I’d have made this all one sentence, as the last part is a fragment, as it currently stands. To put it another way, the two thoughts are part of the same subject, with elaboration in the middle.

“The village head’s two children stolen away. A number of livestocks. A horse. The blacksmith’s young wife. “ This is a list, thus, it would have been better to give it “;”s instead of sentences, as one, it doesn’t convey the information as well, and because as it stands most of these are also sentence fragments. This next is an easy one to make” livestocks”, its just livestock, no “S”, since Livestock is itself a pluralization. Also there should be a had, “the village head had two children stolen away.
Clarity:
8 out of 10

Even considering the items mentioned in the mechanics section above, the read/ listen was easy to follow enough, only once really did I stumble over a section, and that was a rather brief affair.

Technique:
9 out of 10

As I’ve said before you build tension well, and provide your audience with plenty of hooks to keep them interested. Secondly, the conveying of tone and attitude, something that this narrative wouldn’t have been the same without, comes across with considerable strength. I am referring to both the use of sarcasm, and desperation. The passage about how the main character met up with Eduard, is dripping with sarcasm and more than a bit of self-loathing. Plot twists, in which this narrative has a couple, was another strong point, which further added to my enjoying of this work.

with Wildcard:

All I’ll say here is that I enjoyed this narrative considerably. There are areas where I can see improvement, but equally, there are many areas of mastery. I look forward to later chapters involving these characters, and seeing what has happened to the children.

[Philomel]

Thread is now CLOSED. Rewards will be posted in due course.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary Rewards:
The Rustling Whispers of Trees (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29950-Workshop-The-Rustling-Whispers-of-Trees)

Bard (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18394-Bard) receives:
210 EXP
30 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!