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Philomel
09-09-15, 02:35 AM
Name of Completed Thread: The Diary of a Star (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29923-Diary-of-a-Star/page3)
Name of Authors: Star Strike
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 8 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 08/10/2014 (8th October)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Bard
09-17-15, 09:13 AM
Author’s note: Please understand, the use of numerical ratings has no impact on the individual, whose thread is being reviewed, but merely reflect the scores I would give if I was judging this thread. It should also be noted, that the nature of Althanas Day could lead an individual to write somewhat faster than normal and lead to errors that might not appear otherwise; having said that, I shall approach the mechanics section as though this was a typical workshop for me.

Storytelling:
7 out of 10

There is a natural limitation with diaries, Marcus Benten has said, which deals with their inability to be pinned down in time and place. At times I kind of felt that for this story. It wasn’t always easy for me to make the logical leap from one event to the next. To see the connection between events, if you will, beyond than these things occurred in the life of your character; there is definitely a core theme here, or rather your characters connection with Vincent, and to a lesser extent of the character’s coming to terms with what it is now, over what it was, but seeing how all the separate entries play into that isn’t easy.

Setting:
6 out of 10

While this story did have a basic setting, and while the setting was briefly described, it was very transitory.

Pacing:
9 out of 10

Your pacing was slow and steady throughout the thread. At no point did it drag on unnecessarily, or speed up to quickly. The ending wasn’t abrupt and was a clear ending that was a part of the change in social dynamic between characters.

Communication:
6 out of 10

While for the most part solid communication is expressed, in both language and in emotional content, the shortness of some of the entries weakens the communication at times. While I know this is supposed to be slice of life, having some of those slices is a bit larger and thus, more expressive would have helped.

Action:
9 out of 10

The action here was both natural and well explained, I had no questions as to why what happened, happened. It fit well within your theme.

Persona:
9 out of 10

Like action you reveal the inner thoughts of your character very well, and express the major issues involved with this thread with a strong clarity.

Mechanics:
6 out of 10
There were a few errors in spelling, “realalize” should be realize, for example. Still these errors didn’t really take away from the overall content.

Clarity:
9 out of 10

As mentioned with action and to a lesser extent with persona earlier, this thread was very clear in what was taking place, and for the most part you remained true to the overall theme.

Technique:

This was more or less a straight narrative style. Not much technique was utilized here beyond that format, and while that format was used faithfully, the absence of any other form means that there’s not a lot I can say here

Wild Card:

Overall this was a cute and funny story, but the shortness of some of the individual entries didn’t give your audience much at times. On the one hand, I understand why this occurred, but on the other, I would have liked a chance to see the character in somewhat greater emotional depth. Things I really liked, the reference to planets far away from their star, and the regular endings of almost every entry with Twinkle, Twinkle, put a smile on my face. I hope to hear more about your character soon. .

Philomel
10-12-15, 08:41 AM
Thread is now CLOSED. Rewards will be posted in due course.

Philomel
10-13-15, 03:26 AM
Workshop Commentary Rewards:
Diary of a Star (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29965-Workshop-Diary-of-a-Star)

Bard (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18394-Bard) receives:
120 EXP
20 GP

Lye
10-17-15, 12:24 AM
EXP & GP Added!