Critic's Corner [Archive]

Tobias Stalt

09-17-15, 10:58 AM

Shout out to Fez for the idea.

This is an area for people to receive tips, comments, criticisms (constructive only, don't be a dick) on their writing, and hopefully improve their style and overall skill. Post a link to a thread and ask for either specific advice or a full lookover of the content, and either myself or someone else will give you feedback. If you want a specific person's input, please specify them by name in your post.

If you want feedback from anyone/everyone, state that as well.

Happy writing!

Bard

09-17-15, 11:05 AM

Fez_The_Kid

09-17-15, 11:15 AM

Tobias:http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29995-The-Rise

Also, comments from everybody else are appreciated.

Ashla

09-17-15, 11:25 AM

Throw comments my way! I'm Fewicity. http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29551-A-half-breed-in-a-strange-land-open-to-all

Logan

09-17-15, 11:40 AM

Space reserved for me to post my solo here...

Storm Veritas

09-17-15, 12:08 PM

If anyone wants to hammer on one that's still in progress, you can take a look at this one.
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29550-Drumheller-through-another-s-eyes&highlight=Drumheller+through+another%27s+eyes

If nobody's interested, I'll understand that too. Thanks for anyone that spends the time.

First: I'm really impressed! This was very clean reading and quite interesting. I'll be staying tuned in!

There's much, much more good than bad here. I really like your writing, and have to nit-pick to find flaws. I will point out only the things that seemed "off" to me, since I presume that's the type of feedback you're seeking.
- Some paragraphs (particularly in the first post; it gets easier) are tough on the eyes. Lots of lines with few breaks, long stretches of narrative. The format makes the post look structurally attractive (6-7 lines, break, 1 line, break, 6-7 lines, etc.) but I found some a little long and could use slightly more frequent breaks.
- Pronouns can get a little confusing. A few times you toggle "he" to "she" or "he/his" 4-5 times in a row. Since all the content is new to me, I have to go back to check on pronoun agreement. Again, you aren't wrong here; upon re-reading I figure it out and there's nothing grammatically incorrect. I'm nit-picking, for sure.
- Description is sometimes too rich (for me, anyway). Consider the sentence:

She had spent nearly half an hour looking at that desk, and the stacks of neatly ordered papers on it, and in the doors, the dark cherry wood panels carved to resemble a series of waterfalls and the handles looking like fishes, located at either end.

This was a little tricky for me. You went from "desk" to "doors" to "panels" to "handles". Lots of great images, but I genuinely got a bit lost. Is it a door on the desk? Did you mean "drawer"? Are the panels on the drawer, or the door? Are the handles on the panel, or on the door, or on the panel of the door? Are the fish-handles on either end of the panel? Door? Desk? I think a couple times your imagery gets so detailed that it really takes a lot of focus to envision the picture you're painting.

You do a fantastic job setting the stage, wherever I can follow. I actually have the same problem with Tolkein, so consider the possibility that I'm just too dumb to get it. With the really interesting description choices, I NEED to see your vision, and the layers you apply sometimes make that difficult.

Overall, I -really- have no truly bad things to say; you did a great job here. Keep it up!

Logan

09-17-15, 12:21 PM

Haha, Storm, you should note (as I found it hilarious) Drum is actually physically blind (the writer, not the character). So the statement "I NEED to see your vision" is...rather hilarious. Drum will agree, I'm sure. But it just made me laugh.

Storm Veritas

09-17-15, 02:47 PM

Logan

09-17-15, 03:10 PM

It really was about the most perfect thing you could've said in this instance. I still get a chuckle over it. I suspect this might end up with an award come Althies time.

Sulla

09-17-15, 03:43 PM

http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29903-The-Never-I-Know&p=253740#post253740

Hopefully fresh eyes can give me some better idea of why it all feels wrong.

Bard

09-17-15, 05:59 PM

If there is an award for the perfect one liner, Logan, than Storm clinched it.
Wait. Did he just compare me to Tolkien... Nah.

Thanks Storm, will work on the areas you mentioned, particularly the wall of text, and the description, which will probably end up being longer.

Storm Veritas

09-17-15, 06:38 PM

Tobias:http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29995-The-Rise

Also, comments from everybody else are appreciated.

I'm going to try not sticking my foot in my mouth again. I will still sound like a know-it-all jerk, since there is a lot more good than bad here.

In short, I really liked it, but feel the first person style has some limits. I personally steer away, because it is hard for me to keep from disagreeing between thoughts of the character and omniscient observations. As a reader, your character seems like a hybrid of the character you've created and yourself, as though your writing isn't committed to full immersion to the Althanas world. Using very timely phrases (specifically "said no one ever") is funny, but feels out of place in the Althanas landscape.

There are also a few times that I'm not sure you used the right word.

“Still awake?”---the words startle me, and I proclaim though as I awake with a start.

I'm confused here - what did you say specifically?

I sit up, cramps tugging at the back of my head.

I can't relate. I've had headaches and hangovers, and even a head injury, but "cramps" are typically muscle fatigue. If it truly -IS- a cramp, it would help to explain how you came to have one in your head muscles.

As much as I enjoyed his company, I must say watching him hunt is awful hideous.

Grammatically, I think you'd go with adverb "awfully" here, since it describes an adjective (hideous).

Aside from these little items, I enjoy your pacing quite a bit. It's a smooth, easy read that made me laugh and want to keep reading.

Fez_The_Kid

09-18-15, 02:09 AM

Hi Storm. Thanks for your time.

I'm happy to explain. 'Proclaim' here is used as 'declare' or 'show,' meaning I showed the NPC that I was startled.

If I remember correctly, 'awful' here can be used as an adverb. E.g., "We're an awful long way from the main road." But I suppose I used it incorrectly.

As for the cramps thing, I am not sure what I was thinking.

Also, I'll be editing out that last part, hehe.

Karuka

09-18-15, 06:54 AM

The sentence as a whole doesn't make sense. It might just be that you're trying to expand your use of English (Storm, Fezzie is an Egyptian high school student), but proclaim isn't the word you're looking for.

When you proclaim something, it's bold and generally public. Did you mean something more like...

"Still awake?"

I startle of my doze at the unexpected voice, dazed expression showing that no, I hadn't been.

And I can relate to cramps in the back of the head. Sit up too fast or move wrong, this muscle pulls that muscle, which pulls that other one, which then says "I don't move like that!" and then there are cramps.

Fez_The_Kid

09-18-15, 07:30 AM

Well, looks like I was wrong, because that's what I was meaning to say, yes.

The cramps, really, are just my failed attempt at describing the irritation on the back of your head when you lie on a rough surface for a long time. Guess I need to start choosing my words more carefully.

Storm Veritas

09-18-15, 07:46 AM

Let me just stress again that I really liked it. If English isn't your first language then I'm genuinely floored, because you're close to complete mastery here.

Vendredi

09-18-15, 07:58 AM

Hit me up, good sirs and m'ams.

http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30016-the-secret-dreams-of-bones-solo

Bard

09-18-15, 11:08 AM

Vendredi's Avatar it should be latter not later. in your last post, more to come.

Medeia

09-19-15, 02:56 PM

Medeia

10-28-15, 09:42 AM

~Rolled a large rock through the thread to bump it.~

Storm Veritas

10-28-15, 07:58 PM

I'm way behind on a few threads and have some work to do, but am bumping this in hopes I can finish and get to read that for you.

Medeia

11-05-15, 10:38 AM

~Rolled a slightly larger rock through. Someone would be squished. (Probably me.)~

Medeia

11-06-15, 01:24 PM

Thanks, Storm! :D

Rayse Valentino

11-06-15, 03:12 PM

If anyone wants to read over our unfinished thread, that's be great! We don't get a whole bunch of time to write lately, but we'd love some feedback. :D
Here (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29090-Evanescent-Genesis-(Closed-progressive-storyline-RP-between-Medeia-and-Garron))

Your first sentence has a single subject but uses 'their lives'. If you're talking about both Garron and Medeia in this sentence, then introduce them together or just say 'his life'. You also said he 'strode along', but nothing else is mentioned about the setting in the paragraph. I don't need to know anything about the setting if you begin with a thought, but if you bring it up then at least finish it.

You threw a lot of exposition at the start without any events happening. It was a bit heavy for someone that didn't know anything about your characters. As I read on, the deceptively long descriptions didn't stop... is this what they call purple prose? I've never identified it in the past but I think this is it. I tend to get to the point so maybe it's just personal preference, but lines like these are what I mean:

Lapping heavy against dark rotting barnacle laden support logs of the slightly uneven dock-line bathed in lichen, the majestic great ocean sent in her white-capped sentinels in waves of battle-lines, forever battering into the shields of her eternal landmass enemy under late morning, vastly clouded azure skies.

Seems unnecessarily... melodramatic? Not sure if I'm articulating myself well enough here.

Large sections of your posts are in italics. I do not understand why. If you have a flashback, make a separate post for it. Do not put the whole thing into italics. If it's in the past, start it off by stating that it takes place in the past. You also have to be careful in sticking flashbacks in the middle of your plot, your pacing takes a hit.

You also have a bunch of ~~~~~~~ stuff. Why not just make new posts? More paragraphs? It's always good to split things up, make it easier on the eyes for the reader. Especially the dialogue. Make a new line when someone else speaks. Have like one sentence max before a new speaker. In some cases you had an entire paragraph before the spoken line of dialogue. I'm finding it difficult to follow what's going on or who's speaking or how the events are transpiring with the unbroken blocks of text.

I had to look up what a faro game was. I think some small description about that would be nice.

Repetition:

As they passed, peering
They passed, making

There is also a lot of conflicting moods going on in a very short amount of time, and while you're explaining actions and dialogue, you're not showing any feelings. I know people are angry because they said something an angry person would say, but there's nothing in their body language or the way they speak.

As I read this, it seems rather... dry to me. This paragraph for example:

Decrulitlul's villagers looked like an undead bunch. One would think being in the sun for so much of their lives would appear somewhat healthier. It had been obvious the saltine spray of the ocean mingling with the breath-stealing humidity had taken their atmospheric tolls on these people. Their skin was like old yellowed parchment, seemingly about to peel or split at any moment with the wrong ping of movement, and their repellent body odor was something that could choke a worm. Garron wondered if any of these villagers knew what a bath was, but he knocked the thought off with the repulsive smell of his own days old unsavory spice wafting up striking his nostrils. He definitely needed a bath himself, and he hoped he could find one here, but he wasn't going to stake it feasible. Faded grey and brown burlap wrapped most of Decrulitlul's inhabitants, and their hair looked as if it were brittle and wired to their heads in tight scalp binding braids the length of their skulls, much like the irritating style Medeia braided his hair to fit in. It amazed Garron that once entered into the cool embrace of the parent ocean, the paper-like plebeians of Decrulitlul sprang to life.

Like a British traveler writing in his journal on a ship because he has nothing better to do than focus on the peculiarities of the grain of wood below him. You need to be careful that you're writing as a narrator, not just the private thoughts of your characters. You need to move the story along, and if you stop for too long you need to think of a good reason why. Also, Garron needs a bath, so he shouldn't judge them, that's what that paragraph tells me.

Why are we still talking about the town, anyway? I feel like we need to move on from that. Brevity I think is the theme of this review. I know you two can be descriptive, no one will doubt that, but excessive description will just cause people to skim through for some action. I noticed this more with Garron than Medeia.

That's all I got for now. Let me know if it helps.

Medeia

11-09-15, 09:19 AM

Any critique helps, and thanks for taking the time to read through our post! The italics and squiggly line things were suggested to me by some of the people from here. Normally, I caption such breaks with an italicized Two weeks prior... header (or the like), but as I'm still a sapling here, I wanted to make it evident that a flashback was my intent.

As for faro, shame, shame on you for not knowing it!! No, really, I had to look it up the first time I ran across it in a book as well. I figured context clues would suggest it a card game, and as its definition didn't directly affect the story, I didn't go into detail. (If you've ever watched Tombstone, the game they are playing in the Oriental is faro. ^^)