Workshop: First Time Along the Promenade

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread:First time along the promenade (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30035-First-time-along-the-promenade-Open)
Name of Authors: Sage, Vendredi and The Mongrel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 32 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 13/11/2014 (13th November)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Gnarl & Root]

I honestly wasn't sure where this was going to go at first, but it actually kinda flowed nicely in the end. It's probably a different type of story I'm used to enjoying, but I guess that's my personal preference, either way this turned out a fun read. I haven't done anything like this for along time, so I'll just give a few opinions that I hope are a bit helpful.

Story/Character side of things

There was an awful lot of personally that came out through this story for all characters, and for me probably the strongest point in the whole thread. I particularly enjoyed Illara(The Mongrel) who I thought wrote beautifully and brought me into her character very quickly.

Sage you certainly have a fun character, one that could get yourself into some amusing situations. You came across well with lots of internal thought and strong personality that you didn't drop throughout.

Having said that, I wasn't very convinced with your character worrying about the Illara. It felt a bit skipped/rushed to progress the story after you had so strongly portrayed his reasons for stopping Firelis Tvyern in the first place. That could be a bit picky though, as your decisions helped direct the story where otherwise it could have lacked direction.

My biggest issue with anything here was the setting, I felt everyone lacked some serious description of where they were. Not to say I didn't understand you were in a tavern or the alleyway. But no one really described Scara Brae, besides being in a tavern I didn't have a real sense of what it looked like. It was all kept fairly simple.

Mechanic's side of things

Everyone was very different here. Sage suffered a fair bit, I feel you'd have lost points in a detailed review from a Judge on this.
Again it's only my opinion, but there was a lot of simple stuff that could be polished up with some re-reading. Example from post 24:

She had not needed their help, never did, and when push comes to shove sage was starting to doubt that they could have even given the woman any kind of aid, more like they would have severely hindered the woman.

Your name is Sage, it should always be a capital. It's also a long sentence, that felt a little difficult to read. That's not to say your actual English here is wrong. Yet it could read easier with some better structuring/ use of grammar.
Additionally, there were a lot of missing full stops, and when you use internal dialog, you shouldn't use speech marks "example". Especially when you're already using them for actual speech. I realize you also used italic, but this wasn't consistent and confused when reading. I think just a bit of re-reading over will clear most of these issues.

Vendredi, you were pretty solid and were easy to read. If I was going to be picky, I'd say that you sometimes used very short sentences when you didn't need to. For me it broke the flow when I was reading, and at times jumped a little when I felt I wanted to read some more description. Example from post 20:


He bit his lips. He frowned. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. The ocean wind brought the smell of salt and fish. The sun was hurting his eyes.

I wanted some more free flowing description here, and honestly it felt like it shut me out so you could get to your next point quicker.

The Mongrel, I found it hard to not like your writing. It flowed beautifully and I ended up wanting to read more from your posts. Example post 6:

I stepped up beside the two males, soft as a shadow. If either of them were adults, it was only just. The pick-pocket was only just learning his trade, and was just smart enough to let his prize go when called on it, like a fox fleeing at a raven's caw so he doesn't run afoul of wolves.

There were some great metaphors and similes and I think I flew through your posts sometimes. Your strong character left a imprint on this thread that worked well against Vend and Sage's weaker/younger characters. Her decisions felt more in sync with her personality and you didn't break character just to keep your characters together.

If you want me to be picky, as I mentioned earlier in this thread, you didn't go so much into your scenery. The first post felt devoid of it. Some posts were stronger than others, and while there's no need in describing everything for the sake of it, I would have liked to have seen more. This did however come out a bit more during your fight scene(Post 23), which I liked very much.

Honestly though, I enjoyed this short story and I hope that nothing I've said there comes across badly, I'm hoping you can find it somewhat helpful and constructive.

[Rayse Valentino]

Hello.

Sage:


“I’ll be fine, father, should be
"I'll be fine father,"

Always take note of what a piece of dialogue would sound like if you read it out loud.


His father nodded in reply “I want you back by sundown, no later understand?” he spoke sternly.
Suggestion:

His father nodded, "I want you back by sundown, no later. Understand?"

When you add pauses, punctuation, and intonations in your dialogue, then you don't need to qualify the tone outside of it.

These types of things crop out throughout the thread, these are just a couple of examples. I think dialogue, spoken or unspoken, is the most important part of the thread and it's often how the reader is brought into the scene. You need some sort of punctuation when you're moving between dialogue and non-dialogue as well.

When I read Vendredi's post, I thought for sure he just stole from Sage. It would've been perfect. Sage reaches for his money to buy some books, but there's nothing there. While his altruism is commendable, Sage's personal involvement would've felt more compelling to me. If Illara wasn't such a cur then I would've suggested she be the one to notice the thievery and inform Sage, but that plot development is reserved for do-gooders.

Maybe this is a personal issue, but when posting with others you want to maintain a sort of cohesive flow between posts, especially if they're all interacting with each other in the same scene. Vendredi had that centered formatting and Mongrel was first person.

I liked how Vendredi's writing felt like character narration. This reads well when done properly. Although I do wonder why he didn't just slip into the crowd immediately. The whole... boyfriend situation... felt a bit unpragmatic for a thief.

As said before, I didn't really have a good idea of where any of this was going on. There were mentions of things happening around them but only when it directly pertained to them.

Personal preference: I don't like dialogue repetition. It probably requires collaboration to avoid, but it still bugs me a bit.

Aside from that, the conclusion seemed a bit anti-climatic. They all go 'well then' and peace from the mass murder scene. I would've liked to know the fallout of that situation. The tavern scene felt a bit dragged out as well, which hurt the pacing. This might be an issue when you have 3+ writers in a thread, you end up getting the perspective from each of them in turn, which may involve repetition or a lot of multi-character introspection for one scene. This is one of the reasons why writing with so many people is difficult.

The characterization was good and I could tell each character apart by personality, Mongrel in particular, maybe due to the first person perspective, spent a lot of time explaining the motivations for her actions. Sage also had believable fits of rationalization and like I said before, Vendredi's character narration helped give him a strong persona as well.

[Sulla]

I'm a bit late, so I'm fine forgoing any rewards for this.

Plot

Story

There’s something to be said about a classic story about a naive youth caught in the middle of a new and dangerous situation. It’s a fairly common tale, though perfectly acceptable and applicable to Sage. Away from home with his father for the first time, he’s off to find himself some book of spells, only to be caught up in the sordid mess that is Scara Brae. The story here worked fairly well from three perspectives, which I enjoyed a lot in contrast. You had a novice, adept, and expert all thrown together in a seedy little underworld story, with most of the conflict created by the expert’s reputation. To be honest, it dragged a bit in the beginning. It seemed listless and unsure of where it was going, but I assume that’s the nature with many open threads. By the time everyone had left the bar, things started to kick into action, though the climax seemed rather short and inconsequential, and the ending came too quickly.

I want to echo Rayse’s comment above, about being sure that Firelis had nicked Sage’s coin purse at the beginning. That would’ve allowed more cohesion, as well as quickening the pace of the thread from the beginning. Illara could still play her same role as the mildly amused knave looking on at a young thief’s craft, and Sage and Firelis could start off with a more cemented relationship, albeit a more hostile one.

There was also a bit of shallowness to the fight itself that left me wanting more. The enemy came in two waves to attack a well-known leader of the Unfounded as if it were a videogame. Instead of a nine on one fight, we got four against one, and then one and a half (we saw you hiding in the shadows!) against five. And, instead of the bartender, who seemed to be aware of Mongrel’s identity from fairly early on (according to the dialogue overheard by Sage) poisoning the drink he’d had served to her, they attack in a sort of disorganized melee on the streets they know very well, without any sort of attempt to bring missiles of their own to counter the ones she wore slung to her side?

The reason I bring this up is you did a fairly good job creating tension prior to this. Mongrel’s world’s to Fii about the danger he and Sage were in, the constant looks over her shoulder, Sage’s apprehension at leaving her - these were done fairly well. And it just highlighted how much better the main event could have been with a bit more planning.

Setting

I enjoyed the grittiness of Scara Brae when it was described, again, by three different people caught in its mire. Thieves like Fii and Mongrel saw the crowds as opportunity and the shadows as haven. while Sage was just a fish out of water to it all.

But I have to admit, it changed so rapidly in the beginning that it was hard to keep track of how things had gone. There didn’t seem to be enough time to describe things in depth as we went from the docks, to the streets, bookstores, taverns outside of taverns, down away from taverns, and also down poorer district alleyways that the watch is not present in, but would afford less chance for her enemies to strike (I’m looking at you, Mongrel). A thread at this length can take its time to breathe and paint a bit of a scene for the viewer, I did enjoy some of the play with the setting, though Mongrel leaping up a wall and landing on debris with such grace conflicted a bit with the decrepit alley I pictured, where the crates were so worn they’d grown under more than the weight of a rat.

Pacing

There were serious issues with pacing from the beginning, but I enjoyed how you made the tension rise inside the tavern. Sage and Firelis’ little charade of boyfriend and boyfriend was an interesting idea, but it fizzled out so quickly that it was hard for me to understand why it was even included in the story. The same with the bookseller, which could have been used later in the thread to tie things together.

Mongrel and Vendredi, I really enjoyed the foreboding in when your characters interacted together, even if I don’t think the atmosphere really paid off in the end.

Sage and Vendredi, while it might make sense as you’re writing to repeat dialogue and action that occurred in your partner's previous posts, it is incredibly jarring to read. The scene kept moving forward two steps, and backward one. Try to minimize the amount you repeat and I guarantee you’ll end up creating a much tighter pacing for the thread as a whole. Even a simple sentence in narration, or better yet, simply some reactionary dialogue or thought from your character can address what just occurred without going over it in a short synopsis.

Character

Communication

Sage, I think you did a wonderful job creating a character that did not fit in the environment they found themself in. While some of Sage’s choices were questionable, it’s easier to understand them as the lack of experience in any type of stressful situation. One thing I could recommend to try to tie it further into your character type, is maybe having Sage’s plans and ideas spring up from things he’d read in books. You played with this a little in the boyfriend bit, but someone whose first action is to peruse a bookstore in a new city, and is more accustomed to murder novels than actual murder, could relate more things happening around them to scenes from their favorite novels or historical texts.

Vendredi, I loved how you communicated the cocksuredness in Firelis’ words, and juxtaposed a certain self-preservation not just in thought, but in action.

The Mongrel, I loved and loathed your character, but only because you were so successful in creating a rogue. She pretended to be more uncaring than she was, and even when she went above and beyond her creed, still managed to be condescending about it. There’s an art to making someone so unlikably likable, and a large part of that is a good dash of biting dialogue.

Action

There was a charm to the thread that was hidden just behind the scenes, and it was that every character had a certain amount of uncertainty about them.

Sage was full of it, even as to his own gender in the eyes of others. The choices he made were reckless and well intentioned, something you don’t usually find in Scara Brae. While to details as to why he didn’t just drop the matter are a bit hazy, I feel like emphasizing his morality just a tad more would make everything come together.

This is the second thread I’ve read through with Firelis, and much like the first, I enjoyed that impetus tempered with cruel reality and terror. It seemed a bit odd, but I can imagine a character like Fii taking some joy in playing the boyfriend role, if only for his own amusement, and especially when he no longer has a chance getting caught. But much like the first thread I judged of yours, I really liked that moment when he was frozen in fear. There’s something real about it, something the reader can relate to, and I’ll freely admit I got a bit giddy when he finally decided, if only on instinct, to stab out from the dark.

The Mongrel, I never had any doubt Illara would come back to help them, if only because I couldn’t imagine two writers killing off their characters so quickly. But you did make me hesitate for a moment when she was on top of that roof.

Persona

Honestly, I think all three of you had a solid grasp of your characters, though that’s no surprise for The Mongrel considering she’s had hers for a much longer time. I’d stick to the strengths you displayed in this thread, because it made them seem fairly real, even if some of the NPCs felt a bit flat by comparison.

Prose

Mechanics

Sage and Vendredi, you both had a few errors on this front that could have easily been picked up by a quick proofread. I will always recommend asking either your thread partner or another member to give it an extra look over, though. I find my own often replace a glaring mistake for what I had originally intended, so an additional set of eyes proves invaluable.

Clarity

Sage, one big point I have to make for you is how you structure your stories. When the same character continues to speak, make sure not to create a new line of dialogue for them.


“I think you just missed her” he answered honestly, eyeing one of the bodies still twitching.

“I can’t say that I knew she was an elf however”



“Sorry ain’t good enough you little bitch!” The leader spat out in anger, gripping the dagger in his hand even more tightly

“He ok?” he ordered one of the others to check.

When you do a line break like that, the reader assumes someone new is speaking. For some odd reason, this problem became especially apparent during the climax, which made things all the more confusing to try and follow. Just be mindful of it in the future.

Technique

The Mongrel displayed a refreshing big of technique when she used those animal analogies to describe the other player characters and the situations they found themselves in. I don’t think I’ve come across them too readily, and it was delightful to see it in action.

Vendredi, especially in your last posts, I really enjoyed a bit of your repetition and theme when it came to Fii’s thoughts. Things like -


Oh encapsulated nearly half a dozen thoughts, including her back looks bloody and fuck, dead bodies and the hell did I come for, along with Gods save me andshit, I’m tired, but mostly shit, I’m tired.

really give a sense of youthful energy in the way they shoot out almost rapid fire.

Wildcard

All in all, I enjoyed the somewhat muddled nature of the story, I just wish it had a bit more structure to it, and a better resolution. Sage’s reunion with his father was the closest to real closure the reader came to, and I think Firelis and The Mongrel deserved a bit of that.

[Philomel]

This will stay opn until Tuesday evening to allow for additional last commentary, then it will be closed and rewards posted.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary Rewards: First Time Along the Promenade (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30109-Workshop-First-Time-Along-the-Promenade)

Gnarl&Root receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18306-Gnarl-amp-Root)
480 EXP
65 GP

Rayse Valentino receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?4242-Rayse-Valentino)
2240 EXP
65 GP

Sulla receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14778-Sulla)
480 EXP
65 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!