Workshop: Yesterday Can Only Get Better

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Yesterday Can Only Get Better (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29779-Yesterday-Can-Only-Get-Better/page2)
Name of Authors: Hu
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 12 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 26/11/2014 (26th November)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Karuka]

Cyd, I enjoy your writing as a general rule. You can be funny, charming, witty, endearing, and utterly entertaining. I want to say that first and foremost, because none of that applied to this thread. On the whole, it felt like something you rushed through, and then at the end got bored of and decided not to resolve.

Plot:

I wasn't sure that there was a story until the last two posts, when a plot started to kick in. You had a hook in the first and second posts (ignoring the picture), but then it just never got mentioned again. This John guy shot or shot at Hu, and then she just forgets it? Or did that happen after the events you were building up to? Then, just as things were beginning to ramp up, the thread stopped. It didn't end, it just... stopped.* Setting was probably your strongest writing category, because you went out of your way to describe things like Hu's clutter and Shanghai's traffic, the bleakness of the future and the nostalgia of the past, but they were just mentioned, they weren't given enough time to come to life. Pacing suffered because of the long buildup and the abrupt cessation.

Character:

What communication there was was effective, with characters interacting realistically with each other, the environment, and the cat. As a reader, I couldn't really connect with those characters. They just weren't given enough screen time, even your main character. The thread was so busy hopping around from point to point that we never got to get to know anybody. There wasn't much action, probably because the posts themselves felt like outlines of what they were intended to be. Putting in more, more context, more subtext, more everything would have really helped this thread.

Prose:

Your prose was the strongest part of this thread. With the exception of a few misused words and typos ("wherever" instead of "whether" in the second sentence of the thread, "of" and "own" for "if" and "down" in post six, "focussed" instead of "focused" in post eleven, and "you oath" instead of "you oaf" in post twelve), your mechanics were very clean. There wasn't really an appreciable use of technique, but you didn't try using technique that fell flat on its face, either. The posts themselves were clear, but the use of time disparity created some jarring transitions, and the lack of context left me with no idea what was happening or why.

Wildcard:

With this thread being set in a couple different time periods in speculative China, I have no idea why the story was posted on Althanas. There's not a connection I could find, which made the thread feel completely out of place.

Again, I know you're capable of really good writing. I've seen it. This thread had the bone structure for it, if you will. It just didn't have the muscle tone.

[Gnarl & Root]

Bah! I actually started on your last two posts first after Phil's link directed me! *Shakes fist at Phil*

Anyway.

Plot/ Setting things

I really struggled with the actual story here, things jumped back and forth a bit when you switched time zones, but like Karuka I didn't get what it was until the end.

I do like sci-fi and the futuristic genre, but it all felt a bit in parts to understand where exactly you were. I mean on a base level, it was there, but it all felt rushed and done with as little information as possible.

For me, I felt the best bit was actually posts six to eight. It came together better there, but everywhere else felt like it needed much more attention.

Character things

Your strongest category! The speech and general character of Hu came across well. Again, posts six to eight did this best for me.


“I hope you saved some for me,” she joked as she bent to scoop him up into her arms.

I felt the interaction with the cat and generally what you did in the apartment brought some life into the character and the story.

In fairness, all the characters were generally explained well, who they were and what they were like personality wise wasn't a problem. However, I never got a clear image in my head to what they actually looked like.

Mechanics stuff

Everything was actually easy to read. While I struggled to understand the story/plot, your writing flowed well and I didn't find anything particularly difficult to read, nor did I have to re-read any sentences.

I did struggle with the transitions a bit, but again I feel that came down to, what appeared a bit rushed.

There was the odd misused word, I think Karuka pointed most of those out, but one thing I did pick up on that bugged me from post 8:


After what seemed like decades of isolation, she had decided that a confident, someone in whom she could trust and turn to for support was the only way to make the endless aeons of tedium seem bearable.

I think you meant 'confidant' here.

It's a shame, I'd probably like to see more, Hu interests me, but I feel she needs some more attention. Also I hope my opinion doesn't sound too horrid, I haven't read any of your other stuff before like Karuka, but despite what feels like a harsh sounding review it hasn't put me off.

[Philomel]

This thread will remain open until the end of the week (Sunday) and then EXP and GP sorted.

Apologies for the delay in sorting these out. I have been super busy with my dissertation.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary Rewards: Yesterday Can Only Get Better

Karuka receives (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?2215-Karuka):
780 EXP
25 GP


Gnarl & Root receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18306-Gnarl-amp-Root)
180 EXP
25 GP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added!