Workshop: The Rise

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Every The Rise (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29995-The-Rise)
Name of Authors: Fez The Kid
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 4 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 28/11/2014 (28th November)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Gnarl & Root]

I like monster hunting type quests, I imagine I’ll really enjoy the boss battles when we get into that. So after reading the start of your first post I got excited, I even get a little biased on these if they are done well enough.

The skavians had acquainted us with the story of a rabid troll, calling one of these summits home. “Zalma,” said one of them, “has slain scores of travelers, and members of her own kind alike.”
Troll hunter!

Story Side of things

I enjoyed the story, albeit a bit short. It all read and felt rather slow, the reality of doing what they were doing, and their dislike/distrust to it and each other came across. It all felt that bit dark and depressing, I knew death was coming.
I enjoyed “the chief” but while I got some feeling like there was a bit of the father figure, I wanted more, a longer story would have helped.

I also expected a bit more out of the final battle. It still read well, but after it was all building up to it, it all ended so very sudden.

Truthfully, I think it was a good premise and I would have liked to have read a bit more into it and the characters.

Mechanic’s side of things
I think you had some really good writing in here, and I enjoyed some of your descriptions.
Post2:

I feel a tingle pirouette up my spine.

Some of it worked lovely, such as the above. Simple but effective!

However, I did find issue with some of your characters thought mixed in with the speech. I found it confusing to read.

Post2

“Go with her; the kid’s coming with me.” Oh, gods.

Post 4

The cave then comes into sight. I must face her here. “Why do you run?” Damn you, you bastard. “I only wish to speak to you. Your friend has surely enjoyed my company. Ha! Ha!” Her guffaw is as hideous as her jaws.

The quote from post four, I had to read it a few times. I feel this could have been structured, or written clearer. I just got bit tangled with the speech and his own inner dialog.

Setting

You brought me in so well at the start of this story, especially the first paragraph. However in the second post the setting, which had changed from the first post, was non-existent in comparison. I wasn't sure where you were for a while, and while this did improve a little later, I feel I missed out on some beautiful description that you showed me earlier.

Otherwise, the start and later on, everything was clear and while I wanted more, worked well. Don't take that badly, I was enjoying it so I wanted to read more of it.

I do look forward to reading some more of your adventures. It was a good story that, by my opinion just needed more bulk to enjoy more of it. Otherwise your vocabulary and techniques were great to read.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

I do enjoy reading stories of this nature, as I find it quite refreshing and like a break from the sometimes monotonous third person approach. Anyway, I've had a good read of this short story and very much enjoyed it. I hope you find my feedback to be helpful!

Story

I really enjoyed the plot here. It has obviously been written with the intention of it being a short story, of which there are few around, and I actually disagree a little bit with Gnarl here on his opinions on the length. I didn't feel as if I were left short-changed at the end, but I would, however, agree that the pace was probably your biggest problem here. The length of the final fight could have been extended a little, and Burkhart's death, also, seemed a bit sudden. However, that said, it is always possible to go too far the other way and end up over-killing a final battle to Dragonball Z proportions. I, for one, thought that you showed a lot of promise in this area and I enjoyed the premise of a "beast hunting" expedition.

Setting

Early on, you set the story off on the right foot with some wonderful descriptives ("Conifer trees jut out in the foreground of my sight, their dark silhouettes resembling that of the prayers of many struggling souls, beholding the heavens and supplicating for the gods’ mercy") but, like Gnarl, I struggled to follow exactly where everybody was until it was explained a little later. It seemed as if you had chosen to flesh out the story and connections between your characters at the expense of the setting. My advice on this is to try and keep the setting and the plot on the same footing throughout your adventures - more often than not, the setting and the story can be co-dependant, especially in environments outside of the Althanas canon. Otherwise, though, when the setting was attended to it was written well and I could visualise the areas the party were traversing without a problem.

Character

I think that the first person writing style you opted for on this thread really helped you here. One problem for most people when writing first person is "how do I convey my character?" and by using little bits of slang in your dialogue you really help to bring your personality out. Talking aside, you spend a lot of time conveying your character's emotions and feelings through short but powerful description ("I take a step back, staggered, shocked, confused. My brows raised, I try to respond, but I am robbed of speech" and "I rise once, again, wiping tears away with the flat of my hand. The storm’s over. It’s only me and you now, horse. Two lives ended today, but the world did not.") and to me, the reader, this really helped to put me in your shoes and understand the feelings behind each event.

Mechanics

On the whole, the mechanics were probably the weakest part of your thread, but it is nothing that a bit of proof reading wouldn't fix. Some of the grammar (see below) was a little clumsy and when I was reading through this was enough to have to make me stop and re-read the sentence to try to understand what you meant.

In paragraph two of post one, there is an example of where a bit of sentence restructuring could have made the story a lot easier on the eye. "Where more, grave dangers linger under the full potential of the moon." should really have been "Where far graver dangers (lingered / lay) underneath the full potential of the moon". I use (lingered / lay) as either of these could have been suitable for the descriptive, so delete as appropriate.

Later on, when Tucker wakes you up, your sentence states "I partially meditate on how my face’s looking at the time". Here, it should have been "I partially meditate on how my face is looking at the time". Saying "Face's" brings your face into the possessive, which is incorrect in the context of the sentence. Again, a quick check on grammar through a word processor would sort that out, but it was something that stood out a bit.

The above aside, there wasn't a lot wrong other than the odd spelling mistake. A quick press of F7 in Microsoft Word will have that sort of thing fixed in a jiffy, and I would definitely recommend using it to type up drafts of your posts before you actually post them. By spending just a minute or two doing this, you may score yourself vital points in the mechanics section in a full rubric judgement where you might have otherwise missed out.

I also liked the structure of your paragraphs later on. You varied their lengths, and used a mixture of medium sized paragraphs and then small, quick ones with short sentences to emphasise an action or event ("I don’t--can’t move. I watch in horror, as Burkhart is swept up like a hair string, his head covered by her mammoth fingers." "Snaap!"). This really helps the reader "get into" your writing, as well as make it clearer and more concise for them.

Conclusion

All in all, an enjoyable and different read. I look forward to reading more of your work. :)

[Bard]

Having listened to this thread both as you was posting it, and then again before doing this workshop, I can tell you put a lot of work into it. It shows in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things that I liked immediately, some things that I feel that need some improvement, and a few things that struck me as I was listening. This last isn’t super important, just some things that you might want to consider when working on future threads, but aren’t actual improvements necessarily, but more on that when we get to the “Wild Card” area. Some of this might be repeating what Gnarl said already, since I’ve not listened to his comments, I can’t be sure; having said that, lets review this thread shall we.

Story:

All and all it’s a very good story: there is a definite plot that’s easy to identify with, a group of individuals must traverse a dangerous locale in order to reach a certain destination; there are a number of antagonistic plot elements that make matters difficult for the reaching of said goal; and there is definite overall linear plot development. What is more, I feel that the plot was nicely tied into character development.

Setting:

There were moments here where your descriptions were extremely vivid, such as in post 1:
“I lie on the ground, my eyes fixed on the night sky, stars and galaxies stippling it like the work of an old master. Conifer trees jut out in the foreground of my sight, their dark silhouettes resembling that of the prayers of many struggling souls, beholding the heavens and supplicating for the gods’ mercy. Overhead a crescent moon slices its way between clouds, shimmering light down and into my eyes. I turn to the horizon, where peaks of forlorn mountains roll out and away, for as far as I could see.”

And here,

“…Hail had evolved into snow, each particle the size of my thumb, clobbering at my skin and compelling my body to quiver like the blade of my sword. We had set up camp in a grotto that we’d had found during nightfall. Covered in layers upon layers of leather, we were. But it wasn’t enough; we were losing ground, both physically and mentally. The weather was draining up on our reserves, and our knapsacks -- often packed with Salvarian fare -- are nearly empty, only leaving behind the scent of food and rotting canvas.”

Naturally, not all your scenes have this rich a level of description, and I’ll admit, after the strong description of the first post the relative lack of description, by comparison, for several posts stands out a bit more. This is not a serious short coming, as I’ve already said, not every post can have a strong descriptive element, since one risks being caught up in description and forgets other aspects. Still, to me, this is one of your stronger areas.

Pacing:
You built tension into this narrative very well, the idea that something was going to go horribly wrong was something communicated from the first post onward. The ending though did feel a bit rushed though, and was a tiny bit anticlimactic, but I’ll discuss this more later.

Communication & Persona:
The dialogue was very believable; it feels as though this was a group of real people having genuine discussions. There were a few points where it wasn’t always easy to tell exactly where external dialogue ended and thoughts began at some points, and given that there aren’t italics in the text, it isn’t easy to tell in some instances. Having said that, the thoughts for your main character are consistent and provide a complete personality matrix.

Action:

For the most part, your actions for everyone in this thread made perfect sense, even your main characters leading the troll back to the cave. I have an issue with the ease in which the troll was killed, given the ease in which it was done sort of didn’t make sense given the description of everything up to that point. That is all in all, my only concern related to action; otherwise they fit in logically with everything you wanted to convey.

Prose:
I’m going to address mechanics, clarity, & technique here, at once, since I’ve touched on this to some degree in previous sections. With regards to clarity, for the most part things were mostly clear; a few things could have been expanded on, such as for instance:

“ Tucker, the food-bringer, or I should say, ‘hunter’ of our little group. He is often tranquil, and jawing away with the bloke was a warranted breather from Dalia’s on-going fits of temper. As much as I enjoy his company, I must say watching him hunt is awful hideous.”

As the reader/ listener, given that his task for the group is hunting, one has to wonder what leads the main character to think of his hunting skills as so horrible. Does he use a sling and our hero once saw him split the skull of a dear with it? That sort of thing.

With regards to technique, as I said previously, you build tension very well; it was noticeable, without being overly in your face. The problem is that to me, the climax didn’t fit well with the level of tension you developed.

Before discussing mechanics, I want to say up front, for a non-native English speaker, you did rather well here. Having lived in Korea and having written in that language, I can empathize with the difficulties of writing in a language that isn’t one’s first. Having said that, and admitting to the fact that on my first listen through I missed most of these, there are a few things that I need to mention, so that your writing can improve.

“He’d noticed my hardship, and decided to give up some of his own apparel to warm myself up; and, I dare say, it’s not enough.”

This is overly wordy, “Warm me up,” or “to try and keep me warm,” would have worked better. Another case is the phrase “awful hideous” Now, while I know you are trying to aid emphasis to how bad his hunting is, it does sound a little redundant.

Wild Card:

All and all, I enjoyed this story, while I feel it could have been longer, or at least part of me wanted it to be longer, it was a very good beginning. I am left however, with a curiosity in regarding some words utilized, but that is merely interest and not a criticism. I look forward to listening to future works, keep writing.

[Philomel]

This thread will remain open until the end of the week (Sunday) and then EXP and GP sorted.

Apologies for the delay in sorting these out. I have been super busy with my dissertation.

[Philomel]

Workshop Rewards: The Rise (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30167-Workshop-The-Rise)

Gnarl & Root receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18306-Gnarl-amp-Root)
40 EXP
10 GP

Shinosou Vaan Osiris receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18305-Shinsou-Vaan-Osiris)
40 EXP
10 GP

Bard receives: (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18394-Bard)
50 EXP
10 GP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added!