Workshop: Your Move

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread:Your Move (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29726-Your-move-%28closed-to-BlackAndBlueEyes%29l)
Name of Authors: BlackAndBlueEyes
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 12 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 17/01/2016 (17th January)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Philomel]

Suggestion: This thread will remain open for a further two weeks to encourage commentary.

[Flames of Hyperion]

I begin with the caveat that I don't read what I might term 'classic battles' very often. I'm not overly fond of how viewpoint characters keep switching every three paragraphs, and how participants tend to leave their moves hanging with qualifiers such as 'if this guy didn't move out of the way' (post 4), 'hopefully' (post 5), 'hoping' (post 6), 'hoping' (post 7), 'once my opponent showed himself once more' (post 8), and 'hope' (post 9). It's a drawback of this form of competitive battling that, for me, completely destroys the pacing of what is meant to be a fast-paced and action-packed read. That said, I read through this particular battle on a whim and felt that I should comment on it, so I understand if you feel dubiously honoured...

BaBE's strength with the first person and his experience as a competitive writer gives him the victory both in character and - to me - out of character as well. A lot of my commentary that follows is thus focused on what he does well, and how Redford could have worked to close the gap. I may come across as harsh in my critique, for which I apologise in advance - your storytelling instincts are great, Redford, it's just the final bit of polish that I feel is lacking.


Story:

I'll be honest, the battle itself pretty much panned out as I expected it to. The problem isn't that Maddy is overpowered, it's just that a 'normal' character has few ways to deal with her particular talents (five of my seven characters, for example, would stand little chance in a straight-up brawl). For all that, then, I would have liked to see a twist in the tale. I would have liked to see John come up with some way to threaten Maddy more than a single hit-and-run blow.

Failing that, I needed to see more of John's personal fight to match up against one of the most dangerous characters on Althanas today. I'll address that more in a moment.

From Maddy's point of view, the story wasn't so much in the fact that she defeated John than in the fact that she found it "so unfulfilling". The question I was left with was how much of it was Pode's influence and how much of it was her own 'growth'. As part of an ongoing character arc, this is a great realisation; in terms of this particular story, though, I was left wanting just that little bit more in terms of clarification.


Background:

Redford, I wanted to like the way you cast the Citadel. Unfortunately you were let down by using too many unnecessary words in your descriptions, which diluted the picture that you were trying to paint. For example:


The citadel itself was baking in the afternoon sun, wafts of hot air coming off of it in waves, giving it the appearance of a mirage of blackened stone, a shadow against the brightness in the landscape.

Some beautiful imagery there, but it's lost amongst the weak verbs ("was baking", "coming off of it", "giving it"). How about:


The Citadel baked in the afternoon sun, a shadow against the bright cityscape. Hot air wafted from the mirage of blackened stone.

Now, if you so desire, you can add further descriptors (i.e. "an ominous shadow") to set the tone, and additional phrases to make use of non-visual setting (i.e. "The contents of emptied chamberpots festered in the gutters. Rats chittered to themselves in the alleyways, the weather too hot for even them.").

BaBE does a great job of using just as much scenery as necessary (although I think one or two non-visual cues would have worked here as well), and keeping it up throughout the thread. He also does a great job of tying his story into the greater Althanas lore. Just in his first post, he writes about the unique experience of the Citadel, the Ai'Brone monks, and Salvar (not to mention ruilserk vines and the Briarbane parasites, both of which are unique to Althanas lore but are introduced in such a way as not to confuse the reader).

Redford, I can see where you tried to use your surroundings during the battle, to show how it affected John, and to touch on greater Althanas. A lot of what BaBE did really well - for example his referencing of Pode - can be attributed to his experience in the setting. Keep building up Redford's character within Althanas - including the fine details of what he notices in battle, what he feels and looks out for in an opponent, etc. - and soon enough this will all be second nature to you too.


Characters:

With regards to your character, Redford, I think you're a bit guilty of telling rather than showing. I have a soft spot for the introspective bruiser archetype, and the opening sentence of your first post is grand. But your second sentence rather spoils it. Assume that we don't know John, "of course". Give us a hint of what exactly it is that he longs for, and describe it to us - is it a voice, a scent, a touch? This is of far greater importance to us, as readers, than the action of the monk leading your character into the depths of the Citadel. Especially in a battle like this, when you have only a couple of paragraphs to firmly establish John in the eyes of the reader, it really pays to show this more vulnerable side. A good opening, a hook, is one of the most effective writing devices you can employ.

Note how BaBE begins with three sentences that establish Maddy as a character, then embellishes it with the next few paragraphs before depositing her directly in the arena. No wasted actions. Just character.

John's persona doesn't really come through during the battle, either - Redford, your posts are more concerned with the mechanics of the battle rather than the person who's taking part in it. I didn't get a sense of grit and determination as he forced his way through Maddy's techniques (which are - let's face it - on the terrifying side for Althanas), or a sense of zen as he realised he was outmatched and that she would kill him. The point where he thought "this fight might be winnable after all" (post 11) came across as almost comical, I'm afraid, especially right on the heels of his earlier hint of fatalism. If I'm honest he just fought and died, but I didn't get a sense of that doom from him either!

As I mentioned above, Maddy's character really shines through between BaBE's writing style and her character thread within the battle. The only thing I would say is that she came across as a bit overly temperamental in her reaction in post 8 ("I don't have time for this, you coward!") given her coolness when he broke her jaw, and that she resorted to drawing on Pode's power with little hesitation despite "hating it" (post 10).


Technique:

I've included some comments on technique above, but I'll throw in a few more tidbits here that I noticed as I read along. In particular, Redford, I would highly recommend proof-reading your posts. Give them a day or so after you've put them up, then go back and check for grammar, formatting, spelling, etc. Even something as simple as capitalising "Citadel" all the time makes it much, much easier for the reader to follow your writing.

To tie together all of my previous commentary, let me give you an example of how you could use advanced writing technique for both setting and character. For example, post 11:


fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, he thought as he landed, rolling into a standing position to face the girl. It was then that he heard the hissing, and noticed the steam billowing from his arms. He brought his forearm up to see the armor pitting and reforming, the liquid metal covered in the strange substance he flew through a moment ago. It would have likely killed him had any exposed flesh come in contact with the acid.

Capitalise the first "fool". Then notice that you've spent three long sentences - in the middle of the most important part of the battle, no less - describing acid on his armour. Notice also that you've given the reader nothing about John's personality in the process. Compare with:


Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, he snarled, baring his teeth at the stench of acid on liquid metal. Steam hissed and billowed from the pitted armour as it reformed to protect his flesh.

Bearing in mind that I've probably butchered John's persona here, note that we have some characterisation ("snarl") now to go along with his thoughts, and that we have the phrase "stench of acid on liquid metal" as setting. Without sacrificing any content we've increased the tempo of the paragraph, giving us the opportunity to leap into the next action.

BaBE, there were one or two places in the thread where errors slipped through your proofreading process as well (i.e. post 8: "I opened my eyes again, my gaze fixed on a place far away from the Be a bunch of darlings and flush him out, will you?", post 12: "The bored through bone and tore through muscle..."). The thing is, I don't find these mistakes as distracting as constant grammatical and formatting errors, particularly in a fast-paced thread like this, so for me they're actually easier to forgive.


* In closing: as competitive battles go, I quite enjoyed it! I would have liked to see how the thread would have panned out if you'd worked together more closely to craft the story - i.e. stop "hoping"!

[Kryos]

Alrighty, here we go. Feedback for Your Move. Bear with me, as this is my first feedback in a long while. I have decided, for this battle thread, to follow the general categories of the Rubric, with some modifications.

Story elements:

Overall, I quite enjoyed this battle. It is the first battle I have read in a long time, so I applaud you both for including elements such as the Ai’Brone monks and explained their role in the citadel, especially since I myself have never battled at the Citadel before. I especially enjoyed the detail that Maddie has never “gotten along” with the teleportation magic. That detail was quite enjoyable.

The setting of the actual battle was very clever, and I loved how it played into the title of the thread and some of the dialogue, but I was a little disappointed that the chess pieces didn’t serve a more unique purpose. They may as well have large rocks or trees, as they were basically just objects to take cover under, or to leap off of. At the very least I was hoping for some cool imagery that the White King piece falls to the ground at the end when John died. I feel that the setting could have been utilized a bit more since it was described so specifically, and is such a good idea, but in the end failed to play a role.

That being said, the pacing was wonderful and believable considering the match up.

Rough score for Story: 13/20 (Not factoring in storytelling, as this is a battle. As BaBE mentioned, the reason is for some good, wholesome violence. Not much story present.)

Character:

I give praise to Redford. Prior to this, I hadn’t read a single thing with John, and I didn’t take time to read your profile beforehand either. Coming away from this battle, I feel that I have a pretty good idea who John is and what he is capable of. Good work.

The communication was believable on both ends. It was limited and realistic given the setting of a citadel fight. Even more important than actual spoken words were the thoughts that I was given insight into during the battle. In particular, I enjoyed Redford’s memories of his teacher’s sayings. It added some nice depth to his character. In addition, I enjoyed the ending lines by BaBE, about her feelings of the battle and the Citadel in general. That gave me opportunity to see a bit more into who Maddie is becoming, that she is constantly changing and growing. So from me, at least, excellent work for a battle thread to both of you.

Love the action. Well done. My only complaint is that, since a chessboard is very symmetrical, I had some difficulty figuring out where John was at some points. The part where the wasps went after him and her ran and flanked Maddie at the same time (who, I believe, was not in the pieces but more in the middle of the board proper), I thought that he went to Maddies right, but then the next post clarified that it was to her left. Not a big deal, but the symmetry of the setting made it tricky to track. Well done, though, to both of you for being able to adapt your tactics as the fight continued. Loved the liquid-metal-armor Redford.

Persona looked good. I have not much to say concerning that. Solid.

Rough score for Character: 22/30

Prose:

Mechanics were generally good. Redford, there were a few places that missed some easy punctuation. Here is one instance, post #9:

John smirked. The words of an old teacher rang in his mind.

“Beware the man who knows he’s going to lose, for to him there are no consequences”

Missed the period at the end of the teacher’s saying. Also, and it may be different person to person, but if this is an internal thought looking at back at the saying, you might consider not using quotation marks. The earlier quote from John’s teacher in Post #3 only used italics, and not quotes. If anything, being consistent will help.

BaBE, you were good as well, with one glaring exception. Post #8:

I opened my eyes again, my gaze fixed on a place far away from the Be a bunch of darlings and flush him out, will you?

Yeah, that line didn’t make much sense. Couldn’t quite figure it out, but the meaning was pretty obvious. It jarred the post though.

Clarity and Technique were good. I don’t have much to comment on. I was able to follow everything well. Good work.

Rough score for Prose: 16/30

For this review, I equate Wildcard with my own personal enjoyment, and boy did I have a good time reading this battle thread. The action took off right from post #2, and played out in a great fashion. The use and descriptions of weapons and abilities didn’t bog down the pacing, and there was some good character insight/development, and that is what I love seeing the most.

Wildcard: 7/10

Rough total: 58/90 (Then again, what do I know about judging and giving feedback, haha.)

This thread is very memorable for me, for two reasons. First, you both did a fantastic job allowing me to see and understand your character, in ways that I could relate to them. I felt like I knew what John was experiencing when he was going all out after he figured he would lose. And I also could relate to Madison wondering about the point and purpose of going to the Citadel at the end. The second is the very clear, descriptive action that took place, from the unique utilizations of redfords metal, to the wonderfully descriptive, gory, and quite unpleasant death of John as written by BaBE. Many thanks for a wonderful time.

As always,
DFTBA

[Rayleigh]

Thank you to everyone who participated! Rewards will be tallied shortly. As of now, this workshop is closed.

[Rayleigh]

Congratulations!

Flames of Hyperion (Workshop: Picking Up The Pieces) receives:
780 EXP
25 GP
5 AP

Kryos (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?2672-Kryos) receives:
300 EXP
25 GP
5 AP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP, GP, and AP have been added!