Workshop: A Test Of Strength

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread:A Test Of Strength (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30547-A-test-of-stregnth)
Name of Authors: Cards of Fate and Redford
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 12 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 18/02/2016 (18th February)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Wings of Endymion]

Nipping in with just a few comments.

The spelling error in the title is quite noticeable. Just saying...

Post 4 - thoroughly enjoyed the running battle with the tortilla. "Perhaps this food was meant to teach patience." <- good line.

John works better as a character when he has somebody to play off. This isn't a bad thing, not at all, but perhaps start thinking about how he would act when he's on his own? He seems to have a thing for protecting others, but not necessarily himself - work this conflict into any solo battles you get into?

Your scene transitions are good, and your action snappy. It's clear that you worked together to tell this story seamlessly. Kudos.

Otto mentioned this in his review on your other thread, but do work on your dialogue punctuation. It's an easy thing to get wrong, and a small thing to get right, but to readers it can make all the difference in how they perceive your characters. Work also on the punctuation around your dialogue (i.e. when to use commas to segue into 'he said'). Some minor errors in this category stood out a bit more than they should have.

I liked the thread overall - it was paced a bit slowly to begin with, but hit its stride by post 5 and didn't look back. It gave me clear insight into the workings and goals of the Hierarchy without coming across as exposition-heavy, which is a difficult thing to pull off and that you did well. Your characters worked well together, and you breathed life into the Ai'Bron golem with just a few lines of dialogue, which was well done. I might have liked to see a bit more fallibility from Vincent, especially during the trial - he came across as a bit too all-knowing, all-powerful - but by now I'm just nitpicking.

Thank you for the enjoyable read!

[The Mongrel]

A Test of Strength

Right, I came to this right after I finished the write up on Picking Up the Pieces, so I'm going to do my best to refrain from repetitive commentary. Like I said before, none of what I'm saying is meant to be an attack. Take or leave my observations and advice as you will; I'm just trying to give you things to think about for your future writing.

Storytelling: Over all, I felt like this was almost a Redford solo, with Vince as mostly an NPC, and I feel like Red should have been the one to post in a couple of situations where Vince wasn't even there.

Setting: The dust in post 1 was a nice touch. In post 2, I would have liked to hear the sound of the hammer reverberating, and the scents of hot metal and magma wouldn't have gone amiss.

Like I said in the other workshop, you guys did an all right job with setting - it was certainly there -, but I would have liked to see more from it. More impact, more effect, just more, but it was largely set and ignored in favor of the character interactions.

Pacing: This story feels a bit rushed, like there's too much happening for the number of posts and word count, but in this one I can feel the history behind the two characters (instead of just seeing montages) and see that there had to be something leading up to this moment. I would have liked to see more, but it worked for what it was.

Communication: The communication felt fitting for the thread, but I noticed that the very vast majority of your communication was in dialogue. John would do better as an emotive guy, I feel, and Vince could also use body language to really make himself stand out. In the future, I would like to see you guys try out gestures, expressions, non-word sounds, postures, and movements to get your points across. People communicate more to each other non-verbally than verbally, and I think it would help your writing to shine if you guys utilized that.

Action: In post 6, I'm not sure how Vince has enough strength to knock someone as big and heavy as John "a couple hundred yards." Even if he could, his weapon ought to snap at the force of the required blow. I think the physics in your game are broken, dude. Ah, it gets explained in post 7. Vince is just a filthy cheater.

There was a good variety of action in this thread, and certainly more than I could fit into twelve posts. You go from research to metalworking to eating tacos (I get to the tacos again in the misc section) to fighting, to talking, to making and sealing a solemn vow very well. Good job, guys.

Persona: I noticed that John's thoughts go to Jamie a lot, but there's no indication as to who they are, either in this thread or in the other one. There's not even a reference to gender. I think it would help enrich John if we got a little bit of a glimpse into this NPC he cares for.

I have to say that I like how you portrayed John in this thread. He's full of determination and dignity, a man of compassion despite the sins he feels weighing on his soul.

As in the other thread, I didn't get much from Vince, either in his actions or his words. I think that having some introspection would open some insight into who he is and what he stands for, and make him feel more real.

Mechanics: Just as a reminder, proof your posts. A good once-over here would improve this category immensely.

Clarity: Post 6: Uh... what happened to the shield?
Post 10: Try to keep John actions with John dialogue, and Vince actions with Vince dialogue, just to keep things in easy-to-place groups.

Technique: Red, you should put your thoughts in italics to set them clearly apart from ordinary narrative. Again, I didn't really notice any use of formal technique.

Misc: Cards, I kind of take issue with your use of "ancient Raiaeran" as a language, both in this thread and in Picking Up the Pieces. Before the Split, there was only one elven language, so "ancient elven" would be the tongue. In modern times, there's Raiaeran elven, Alerian elven, and the Concordian dialect (which is very similar to Raiaeran elven). I figure that's something Vince would be aware of as a scholar.

Post 3: ... dammit, now I want tacos. Post 4: You're supposed to put the salsa on the tacos. What is wrong with you? Are you a heathen?! Where is the sour cream? I don't like guac, but lots of people do. Where is the guacamole? Where are the sides of frijoles and arroz? ... definitely a heathen. You are tacoing WRONG! Stop tacoing wrong. As a Latina, I am appalled and offended. Mostly appalled.

Now, I'm sure this is something you're both fine with, but it's weird to see a post with nothing but John and interactions between John and NPCs get posted by Cards.

If Vince is half John's weight, Vince needs to lay off on the pizza. (Post 9)

Chalice of Cups sounds redundant. Just sayin'.

Aaaand... that's all I've got for this workshop. I hope it helped.

[SirArtemis]

Story: (19)

Storytelling: (7)

I enjoyed this story and felt engaged, but I felt like there was so much that was left untold. Maybe that's simply my preference, but I like to see how things relate to one another and why they are important. I can sort of gather that the Arcana are important, but no idea why. I can understand the symbolism of the fist for strength, but not the roman numeral. I don't know how a book of such importance could be so easily misplaced or poorly cared for as this legendary tome. I don't know why you'd test John but tell him first, instead of simply test him and later explain why. Doesn't someone typically perform more sincerely when they don't know they are being tested? Especially when testing character?

Setting: (6)

There was a bit more effort here compared to the other thread of yours I read regarding setting but it was still left mostly basic and I didn't feel like it was more than a cursory note. I know this is hypocritical of me as well, but as many others often say, engaging your environment and giving it meaning can go a long way. There were some nice touches where you interacted with the environment, but also some references that contradicted what I envisioned. When you launched John with a jolt a "couple hundred yards" do you realize you launched him two football fields? Because I didn't think the arena was that large.

Pacing: (6)

The pacing was quick pretty quick here as well and I read the thread on my commute back from my girlfriend's (sensing a theme for a good time to read?). However, the testing period here also felt somewhat rushed. For a position assignment that was implied to have a significant importance, it felt like the test was pretty quick. A five minute or so fight with a three minute conversation to mark you permanently and commit to protecting all of Althanas? I understand they've known each other for a while and Vince has gotten at least some idea of who John is as a person, but regardless, the test itself feels pretty quick.



Character (20)

Communication: (6)

I liked the unique voice of John and Vince and got a little better sense of who each was, as well as glimmers in passing references to other characters. It was strange because John seems vastly different than the character I fought when Red was still level 1, but that's fine. However, I would have liked to know a bit more of what each was thinking. I only got a bit out of Red, but I felt like Vince remained enigmatic.

Action: (7)

I felt that what you did made sense and mostly had a sense of realism. I liked some of the creative gestures like making a cup out of the armor and having the cider drip away. I liked the description of interacting with the old tome (though you should probably do something about that). Some gestures didn't make much sense to me though. I tried to visualize John throwing his tower shield over his head and that gesture was lost to me. And as mentioned earlier, the anime-like launch of a couple hundred yards also seemed odd. John should probably get some Dehlar-like properties embedded into his natural armor.

Persona: (7)

As I mentioned, I did get a bit of a sense of the characters. This time, John didn't seem as much like Wolverine to me, though still to some extent. He didn't have his cigar gesture and his liquid armor is still something I'm trying to visualize. I still have little reference as to what the characters look like though. I had a sense of Vincent's robes and his blue spark addiction, but nothing like hair or eye color or body type comes to mind. I still know John is a giant, covered in armor, but I don't know things like the color of the metal, the texture, his hair, eyes. It's clear he isn't from "Earth" but what exactly does that mean, and what does John look like if he's so different?



Prose: (15)

Mechanics: (4)

Same as before, I felt like you guys didn't really go back and proofread. Whether it was missing or incorrect punctuation, typos, structure, etc. - I think a good reread of this would have captured most of it. I'm sure you two would have captured most of it with a second sweep.

Clarity: (6)

Most of the thread was pretty clear, but a lack of a deep storyline to weave around the events, I was sort of just bounced between scenes of achieving the "goal" of adding John to the Arcana roster.

Technique: (5)

There were some attempts I think at using some basic techniques but nothing really stood out to me. Then again, I'm not the best judge of technique.



Wildcard: (6)

I enjoyed this thread of yours as well. I think this too could benefit from being a longer thread, with more history about the Arcana being presented. I know sometimes it's hard because threads are standalone stories and we have so many threads that comprise our characters' lives. But for a reader who has no idea what's going on, there's often a lot missing. What do your characters look like? What drives them? Why should I care? Aside from just enjoying their behavior as though I'm watching importance, what can a writer do to make me want to know more about these characters and their lives? Why are the Arcana so important? What's the significance of them? How does this massive crystal of the tap work? Has it been under threat? Why was the test so quick? Would there be a benefit to not telling John about it and testing him? Would that be too manipulative? How would John have reacted? And with gravity being four times the strength of ours on earth and pulling every atom of his body down, would his being reacted differently aside from just bones breaking? Would his muscles have torn under their strain? Would he have made it ten steps? Would he have failed otherwise? Etc. That could have been more a test of resolve perhaps.


Total: 60

[Mixed-blood]

This review is only going to touch on the storytelling category, or the first category, as it’s the only one that I honestly feel able to touch upon with any level of clarity. I’ve not gone over anyone else’s review, so if this seems overly redundant, then perhaps it will reinforce what others have already said.

Storytelling:

I got that this thread was mainly about John getting some kind of promotion in a group called the Tarot. I got that that the group that is called the Tarot is about the study of magic and protecting people from its abuse, which I’m grateful for you mentioning by the way. What I did not get is what exactly John was getting promoted to, why he was getting the promotion, and how the test in any way shape or fashion related to that promotion. I was therefore left with a fair number of questions by the time this thread was over with; questions that were unresolved, which I felt that perhaps if a little consideration was given to your audience, you would have worked those answers in, and a better overall narrative would have been crafted as a result.

Pacing:
Honestly this thread felt rushed, like you had something that you needed to have accomplished, but life circumstances, or something forced you guys to do it quickly. We jump from scene to scene so quickly, that I wasn’t always sure when things transitioned, especially at the end, that for a few moments I was left thinking, ‘where are we again?’ At the end it even required me to go back and re-listen to make sure where John was. In the future, you might want to linger on scenes a little bit more and gradually transition events, such as describe Vincent leaving his study and heading to the forge where John was, have them enter the training facility, and perhaps even have Vincent inwardly sigh about John needing a healer and think about how long recovery time is going to be, or something.

Setting:
This sort of ties in with the whole rushed feeling I got with pacing, or rather it helped in part lead to that impression, there was very little attention given to the character’s surroundings, except within the illusory arena. I have no idea what Vincent’s study looks like, save that it has a large bookshelf in it and a table, that’s it. I have no idea what the forge looks like either, save that it is apparently large enough for John, who is rather tall, to move about it comfortably, as for the rest of the compound, I only know that’s its supposedly underground, and that john has to duck when going through a door way and when walking through the hallways. The dining room isn’t described at all, and I realized that while they were eating I was supplying all the scenery with my own imagination. No, I get the idea of minimal description and then letting your reader supply the rest, but there’s a difference between minimalistic and utter lacking. You did a pretty good job in the fight describing the backdrop, which red even interacted with to a degree, and the thrown room was described well enough for me to get an idea of its layout, which frankly only made the lack of description everywhere else stand out all the more.

[Rayleigh]

Thank you to all who participated in this workshop. As of now, this workshop is closed. Rewards will be posted shortly.

[Rayleigh]

Congratulations!

Wings of Endymion (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?13606-Wings-of-Endymion)receives:
480 EXP
25 GP
2 AP

The Mongrel (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17739-The-Mongrel) receives:
360 EXP
25 GP
5 AP

SirArtemis (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14322-SirArtemis) receives:
540 EXP
25 GP
5 AP

Mixed-blood (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?18632-Mixed-blood) receives:
120 EXP
25 GP
4 AP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP, GP, and AP have been added!