Workshop: Picking Up The Pieces

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread:Picking Up The Pieces (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30132-Picking-up-the-Pieces-%28Closed-to-Red%29&p=259287#post259287)
Name of Authors: Cards of Fate and Redford
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 11 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 19/02/2016 (19th February)

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[Otto]

Think about and play with your dialogue's punctuation. In some instances it is lacking, so that speech reads like it's come out as a Hawking-esque drone. I also noticed it was cloned a bit in your first post, which makes Vince and John sound like creepy twins:


“...It’s made of...iron?” John mused. Normally swords of legendary status were made of sterner stuff.

“Looks can...be deceiving?” Vince replied cocking his head to the side.

Grammatically correct punctuation is less important in dialogue, where it should be used to show the inflections, pauses, and rhythm of a persons' speech (but it's a bit more important out of dialogue, which is another area that could be improved). That said, you do give your characters some good, strong lines and action - it could just benefit from a bit more.

Not sure about the quotes. Maybe a little out of place, or maybe this thread feels fun enough to pull it off.

The time/location transitions could be much stronger, too. Cards had a nice setting laid out for the cave in Salvar in the first post, and the second could have quickly and strongly illustrated the change in time and environment by describing the meeting's location. But the transitions are weak here and elsewhere (i.e. the the third post).

Not too sure what the context is here, either:


John’s near-eight foot hulking mass shifted to turn around and look at Vincent.

“Logan will die.”

Chameleum, as a new substance, is introduced without any pomp or flair. It sounds like a fascinating mystery: a highly inferior substance which requires huge amounts of magic to create, and you've had three days to cover the research. And how about experimenting with this new, unknown material before the major work? But none of those angles are really played up, which feels like a missed opportunity.

It'd be neat to get a feel for the forge/workshop earlier on, too. How's it built? How advanced are the tools, how clean or dilapidated is it, and so on. With the PCs spending so much time in there, it'd really set the thread up.

Post 8: "making fists with his hands" is kind of redundant.



I apologize for focusing almost solely on the negatives so far. I definitely thought the two PCs had an interesting, easygoing work dynamic with their own distinct personalities made clear by both of your writing styles, and it was a pretty enjoyable read. It's also great to get an in-depth creation process for these spoils threads, as well as some meaningful reason/story behind them. Good on ya!

[The Mongrel]

Picking Up the Pieces

Before I start, please keep in mind that none of what I'm saying is meant to be an attack. Take or leave my observations and advice as you will; I'm just trying to give you things to think about for your future writing.

Storytelling: First of all, much respect for just how integrated your posts are with each other. If you hadn't taken the time to write together in a gDoc (I gDoc, I can see all the signs), and if you hadn't been generous in permitting bunnying, this thread probably would have been about 25-30 posts, but most of those posts would just have been filler and wouldn't have had much in the way of content. I've always appreciated a thread with so much natural and organic (read: co-written) interaction.

Finally, as I'll say down in Pacing, I feel like this thread wasn't enough for what it was trying to obtain. The way you hyped the blade in the story says that it's supposed to be an incredibly powerful, incredibly momentous sword, and you got it via a series of montages. You wouldn't want Arthur to get Excalibur without being able to go through his trials and triumphs with him, so why would we want any less from Vince and John?

Setting: On the whole, I would say that you guys did a decent job with setting. You described your areas and didn't forget to interact with them, but it felt a little flat. I would have liked to see fogging breath in the ice cave, I would have liked to hear the snow - is it crunchy half-ice snow, or is it that creaky styrofoamish snow, or is it just that super annoying puffy powder you get when it's intensely cold? I would have liked to see more detail about the Tarot areas, and I would have liked to see you both sweating bullets in the forge. Red did interact with the heat a little bit, but I didn't see either of you being terribly inconvenienced by either of the extremely harsh environments you put yourselves in.

Post 10: Football sized training area. Erm... football field? I dunno if you could get most of the Tarot into a space the size of a football.

Pacing: I have a few things to say here, because the pacing of what was written was very well done, the actions your characters committed flowed neatly one into the other. However, your transitions were almost all extremely rough. It was pretty jarring to go so suddenly from the ice cave to the House of Cards in post two, and then I wasn't really clear about how Vince and John went from being in a Tarot meeting to being all on their own, the transition to the second Tarot meeting also seemed sudden, and the thread ended pretty abruptly. I would have liked to see more of the struggles in Salvar - how did having to skulk through his homeland affect John's mental and emotional state? How did they get back to the House of Cards? How even did Vincent know about this artifact?

I would have liked to see more input from the other Tarot members who got cameos, because as it was they felt a bit more like props - pieces of the setting with dialogue. It would also add more impact and conflict to the thread. That might belong in action, but this is why I'm not a judge.

Basically, a ten-post thread just doesn't feel like it's got enough OOMPH for one of the major artifacts for as big a PG as the Tarot currently is. So I'd have liked to see more from it.

Communication: I'd say Redford is better with communication than Cards is. He's more prone to having little quirks of action, little pauses in speech, that differentiate what he's doing. I'd suggest putting in things like the cigar puffing (post two) in order to give more depth and flavor to your characters, instead of the repeated use of single lines of dialogue. Personally, I find that more subtle quirks - a shift of the shoulders, a dominant lean forward, a smug lean back - give more character to a character than just words do. Also, it could get very difficult to tell who was doing the talking in the he said/then he said bits, especially in scenes with more than one person.

Cards, this is also a mechanics note, but since it's in dialogue I'm putting it here. "The result of John and I's intense labour." As a little distracting aside, I'm not really sure why you spelled it with a u; I know good and well that both writers in this thread are American. More importantly, since Vincent is a scholar and would therefore likely be great with his speech, I can't see him using "I's." The correct usage would be "John and my," since you'd naturally say "My intense labor" if you were doing it alone.

Action: Uh. I've said most of what I had to say for action already, so here's the one comment I had left in my notes: Swords usually take a master forger at least a few days, so it seemed rushed to have the Emperor's Blade done all in one go.

Persona: I didn't feel like I got very much from Vince in this thread. He was a little flippant, made a few Earth references (that I would have liked to see the native Althanians around him look at him like he's a loon for), a little bossy, a little flashy, but I can't really say I got any depth from him. That might just be because you gave most of him through dialogue (other than the "show don't tell" faux pas of "something about his demeanor made his sharpest insults come off as mere jests." How? Does he smile and make a placating gesture? Is it in his tone? Does he just have one of those chubby little good-natured faces?)

Since Red makes John a more "man of few words" type, he relies more on other means to give his character presence. Quirks, actions, a little introspection. It just makes him feel more real.

Mechanics: I'm only going to give some notes, just to give you a feel of what you need to work on. As I always do, I'm going to suggest you both proof read and have someone you trust grammatically go over your threads if they're willing, just to work out the kinks.

Cards:
Post 1: the lines of dialogue that are separated out into paragraphs should end with appropriate end punctuation, such as periods or question marks. If you're separating something out from the rest in literary writing, never end with a comma or semi-colon. On very rare occasions, a dash can be acceptable.

Half a year was leading up to this very moment. This is a weird sentence, mostly because of the "was [verb]-ing" thing. I think you meant "Half a year was spent leading up to this very moment," which is also a little weird. Consider: "Half a year's efforts had led to this moment." I excluded the "very" in my example because very can be a weak word.
Post 3: John grunted, glaring - mind your punctuation.

Red:
Post 2: Make sure that if you've got a proper noun (House of Cards), it's properly capitalized. Also, nondescript is one word.
Post 4: Mind that you don't capitalize a random word mid-sentence. "At the top the symbols were crude and jagged, Yet the lower..."
Post 6:
John wondered absently what Vincent was getting that was so secretive as he grabbed a wire brush off the table, one of the only tools he couldn't fashion, whether the armor or his skill limited him he did not know; and began to clean the inside of the holes and the top of the anvil. It would keep scale from forming on the sword as it shaped up. The first sentence is a run-on, and I would suggest:
"John grabbed a wire brush off the table. It was one of the few tools he couldn't fashion - whether the armor or his skill limited him he did not know. He began to clean the inside of the holes and the top of the anvil to prevent scale from forming on the sword while it shaped up. As he worked, he wondered absently what Vincent was getting that was so secretive."

Clarity: In the first true paragraph of the first post, the second sentence is a long string of prepositional phrases, and was a little tough to unravel. Next time, consider something more like...
"The two men had crossed treacherous mountain passes and come to the top of the world in search of what was arguably the strongest artifact known to (either of them/their organization)." It contains all the same information (except shadowy organization, which is something better shown along the way instead of told outright) but is easier for a reader to understand.

Technique: I didn't see much attempted use of technique, outside of Vince's flippant "Pretend you're a pretty little elfmaid practicing her calligraphy so she can woo her husband on her wedding night." Try throwing in a few little things in your next thread to enrich your writing. Also, beware using the same word in rapid succession. "The cave" was used twice in the span of twenty-three words in the first post, for example, but there are other instances of awkward repetition in the thread.

Misc: How did Vince acquire raw Tap energy?
Is it Chameleum or Chameleonite? It's called both; I'm confused.

Uh, yeah. So, I hope you find my review helpful.

[SirArtemis]

Story: (16)

Storytelling: (5)

Though I did somewhat enjoy reading this, there was a sense that the story was being fast-forwarded. There was some reference to the importance of this relic but it was done in passing without much depth or preamble. There were so many characters as well but I had little sense of who was who. I just recognized some names as a writer here but that was it.

Setting: (4)

There was some occasional reference to where I was, but for the most part, these characters were floating between places. At one point I conjured up the image of a door as it was referenced, a bed being lifted, and a cubic forge being used. But otherwise, things were lost on me. I was even confused as to why John seemed to utilize his armor to protect himself from the forge's overpowering heat while Vince just casually worked beside him turning away with tongs completely unphased.

Pacing: (7)

The pacing was quick honestly but I didn't mind. I read this during my commute to my girlfriend's on the train and it felt like the entire thread could have fit into a vignette mentally. It was a brief window of time. However, I will note that the mention that in three days you mastered some long lost technique seemed to be a bit farfetched and lost me a bit. You could have even fast forwarded a longer period of time and let that do the job.



Character (18)

Communication: (6)

I liked the unique voice of John and Vince and got a little sense of who each was, as well as glimmers in passing references to other characters. However, again, it felt very rushed.

Action: (5)

Some of the actions themselves seemed out of place or purposeful only insofar as to achieve the intended goal of the thread. I know sometimes writing is done with just that purpose, but it impacted my reading of the thread. There was some lovely emphasis on the forging scene but it was somewhat lost to me due to clarity and lack of understanding.

Persona: (7)

As I mentioned, I did get a bit of a sense of the characters. John, though intentional or not, is basically Wolverine - cigar and attitude and self-conjured weapon included. Vincent, though no particular reference comes to mind, seems like the eccentric leader of any brigade - almost like a more mature Luffy from One Piece.



Prose: (14)

Mechanics: (4)

You guys lost me a lot here. Whether it was missing or incorrect punctuation, typos, structure, etc. - I think a good reread of this would have captured most of it. Again, I think this was sort of a thread of purpose and less of an attempt at a masterful thread, so I'll let that be as is. I'm sure you two would have captured most of it with a second sweep.

Clarity: (6)

Most of the thread was pretty clear, but the lack of setting to place things within and any overhanging deep storyline to weave around the events, I was sort of just bounced between scenes of finding, fixing, and presenting the reforged weapon.

Technique: (4)

I simply think this was a consequence of not having much content to work with in the first place. With such a brief thread, utilizing technique and creating depth is difficult to do, and that showed.



Wildcard: (5)

I still enjoyed the thread honestly. I think if this had been done throughout a longer thread, with more history of the relic being presented as well as a more robust cast, could have been the basis for a really compelling story. Maybe detailing more of the research toward producing the reforged weapon and understanding the chameleonite material better, I'd have a better sense of things. Where he got the concentrated tap is also sort of just out there. And worst of all, I basically have no idea what any characters even look like! I just imagine John as an 8 foot tall wolverine and Vincent as Kael'Thas. My brain filled in the blanks.


Total: 53

[Rayleigh]

Thank you to all participants! This workshop is now closed, and rewards will be announced shortly.

[Rayleigh]

Congratulations!

Otto (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?16653-Otto) receives:
495 EXP
25 GP
2 AP

The Mongrel (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17739-The-Mongrel) receives:
330 EXP
25 GP
5 AP

SirArtemis (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14322-SirArtemis) receives:
495 EXP
25 GP
5 AP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP, GP, and AP have been added!