You Sunk My Battleship!

[redford]

(Closed to JDD)

The familiar sights, smells and sounds of the Citadel greeted John once again as he walked through a gated arch of black stone into the courtyard. It was midday, and awnings were spread out wherever there were people. Stalls, gambling pits, and the monks’ booths were all shadowed by cloth spread on poles. People crowded around the shade like birds to a tree, squawking over wares, wine, and wagers. The metal giant spotted brother Jor, one of the Ai’Bron monks who had taken a liking to him.

John was confident that if Jor knew any better, their friendship would quickly deteriorate.

“Ah, John! Just the man I wanted to see!”

Jor approached quickly, clapping him on a shoulder, producing a mild clunk off his armor. As Jor turned quickly, John noted that he had been training a lot. Gone was the slight pudge below the jaw and around his waist, replaced with a sharply featured face and slimmer robes. He began to walk toward one of the glowing portals, calling after John, who followed.

Jor was one of the people who knew John best, though that didn’t mean much considering how many people knew him at all. Jor spoke excitedly.

“Remember the other day when you said you needed a change of scenery, all that fighting in arenas was really narrowing your style you said? Well have I got the space for you!”

Jor finished with a flourish, gesticulating toward a glowing blue portal.

“Fresh off the noggin of yours truly!”

John had to smirk a little at Jor’s excitement. Ever since he’d been promoted to his latest station, he was allowed to create arenas by himself, and had lately been showing off his creations. He looked down a little at Jor, who was smiling broadly, and the giant couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth upturn a little.

“I’ll tell you how it is,” He said, and disappeared through the blue glow.

John popped into existence, and was temporarily blinded by the sunlight of a cloudless sky at midday. As they adjusted, the giant felt the near-oppressive heat of the sun, smelled salt air, and felt the motion of a ship. The glare came from both sun and ocean as John tried to get his sea legs, eventually finding the rhythm of the ship and adapting to it. He stood on the bridge near the bow, just beyond the wheel.

Now to wait for another flash of blue.

[jdd2035]

Cain had spent most of his life on the ocean and so visiting the Citadel was a very uncommon, he had seen the structure from his ship wile in the harbor but he had never went up to it. He didn't have land legs as one would thing. He enjoyed the architecture of the building it seemed different but couldn't quite figure how it was different had the building been on the water he would have noticed instantly but he was on land. There are certain things people did to say they did it and for Cain fighting at the Citadel was was one of those things.

He stepped in and looked around and heard the clamor of the gamblers, stalls and such these were familiar the monks were not. Finally greeted by a monk who's name Cain did not catch he was asked "How may I help you sir?"

Cain paused a moment and thought how to word things "I'm not much of a fighter...well not on land but with a ship on the other hand. Any way I'd like to try out your services."

The monk nodded and smiled replying "We have just the thing for you. Rather or not you win is entirely up to you."

Cain nodded and allowed himself to be lead to one of the Citadels surreptitious doors.

'Stepping through' Cain found himself in a very familiar place the roll of the sea, the smell of salt on the air, the cool spray coming from the bow wake made him smile and filled his body with confidence.

Taking a moment to check his gear he found that he was still properly armed he had his harpoon with fifty foot of hawser line, and on his side was his cavalry saber. He took in his surroundings and saw the giant who would be his opponent. A big honking unpleasant looking giant "A tough nut to crack" Cain said and nodded. He was positioned on the quarter deck and ideas were already running through his head and the two biggest were up and down.

Up the ratlines and into the ships rigging where the giants weight could hinder him greatly or down into the ships bowels where his great sized would cause more harm than good. "Good luck!" Cain shouted and readied himself for unpleasantness.

[redford]

"I am John," the giant stated quickly in response, jumping over the handrail down to the weather deck, landing with a dull but resounding thump that preceded a cracking of a beam beneath him. John smirked a little through his scowl, noting that boats usually weren't built to take men as large as he. He sized the man up and down, noting the harpoon and rope at his side, as well as a saber on his hip. He had a bright, keen look in his eyes and a smirk that appeared ever present, as if all the world was a merry game, and he the only one who knew it.

John grunted. "G'luck to you too."

There was a series of clicking sounds, and John's armor flowed like liquid down his arms, covering his torso as well, studs forming at his knuckles. The sunlight glinted off of his shiny armor, the color and shine of polished silver, but the strength of titanium. The giant bounced his fists on each other as he took two large leaps forward with all his speed, stumbling on the third as the uneasy sway of the boat caught him off-guard.

The last stride was good, though, and John lifted a knee, planning to crush his head.

[jdd2035]

Cain at one point in his life had seen a great whale breach the water and as it came back down landed upon a boat he not too recently occupied. The boat shattered and the whale didn't even notice. This particular situation reminded him of that and a great lesson 'run like hell' came to his mind very quickly.

The giant had began plodding towards him causing the entire ship to rock against the waves that lapped against its hull. He saw the brute transform into a golem and very nearly trip. Cain was vastly out of his league he knew he had very little in skill or abilities to answer for this enormous creatures might; he was going to lose and if it were not for the monks tender mercies he would feel it for quite some time after. There was one thing for it "give him hell!"

Hefting his harpoon in his hand Cain took one step one was enough for momentum and threw it at John. Not even looking to see if it struck home Cain pivoted on his foot and made a beeline for the stern and leaped over the rail. Fell a moment grabbed the boarding netting and swung into the gunnel for one of the ships stern chasers. The violence of the landing nearly knocked the wind out of Cain but he was running on pure adrenaline now.

Cain had never had been happier that the ship he was battling on was not cleared for action. Hammocks were still strung from the ceiling fore and aft swinging gently with the roll of the ship.

Knowing he had about a nano-second before the giant would find him Cain cut the trunnion rope holding a cannon in place and let it roll on its trucks where it may.

[redford]

John had just enough time to tilt his head to the side as the harpoon came whizzing at him, faster than he supposed possible. It struck, just above his right eye, and deflected, but cut into his armor, carving a bone-deep gash into his forehead before bouncing off into open water. It snapped his head to the side, and for a moment he lost sight of his opponent.

Damn, now he's got me guessing!

John growled in anger and pain, feeling his cut bleed a small curtain of red tint over his eyesight. His armor came up to cover the gash, preventing it from bleeding. He wiped his metal eye with a metal hand, glimpsing his opponent as he swung into a lower deck.

There was one easy way to get there.

"C'mere!" John shouted, plunging a fist into the deckboards, splintering one of them. He grabbed the ones on either side, tearing them from their nails and tossing them away. In a few seconds he'd broken enough boards to fit through, he dropped down the seven feet, crouching to stand in the lower deck. Just as he did, however, a cannon would prevent his pursuit.

It rolled toward him, pinning his leg to a mast just as he saw his opponent sprinting to another end of the ship. John intended to follow, but only after he got the damnable gun off his leg. It hadn't broken anything, thanks to his armor, but he couldn't pursue unless he could get free.

[jdd2035]

"And this was such a beautiful ship not five minutes ago" Cain gasped as he worked out his next move. Thoughts crossed his mind ~get to the galley blacken my face and body and hide in the dark?~ it was a passing thought ~ the beast would tare the rest of the ship apart looking for him. But the thought did trigger another thought ~powder charges~ those wads of paper filled with very fine grain powder about twice the size of a mans finger. If he could touch them off at close enough range and he could temporarily blind the brute of an opponent.

Cain had a window of opportunity to exploit if only a small one before the metal, giant what ever thing he was facing would very nearly throw the cannon pinning him against the mast. Grabbing a slow burn match Cain held his breath and scrambled towards the box of charges nearest the behemoth. At the very last moment Cain closed his eyes and aimed for the box of charges.

One loud crack followed by a second than more and more rapidly the entire box of charges set off in a rapid series of blinding yellow and white flashes in the relative dark of the gun deck. The box splintered sending piercing hot fragments of wood into Cains shoulder, neck and face. Nothing lethal but it more peppered him but good. The sleeve of Cains shirt was singed where the box went off and his ears were ringing. Not so much as if the ships entire broadside had just went off but they were still ringing.

Cain stood ready to see what his opponent would do next his saber low and kind of in a crab like stance to give him that much maneuverability knowing the innards of a ship like he does.

[redford]

As John began to push the cannon away, aided by the ship's rocking in a favorable direction, his opponent darted beside him, carrying a match. He seemed to know quite a bit more about being on a ship than the armored giant, and as John wondered if he was simply lucky enough to get this arena, a flash burned his eyes with white. A split-second later and the sound cracked upon his ears, and he felt the heat of the gunpowder explosion. His vision went black in the darkened cabin, and John swore violently, swinging an arm out at where his opponent was a moment ago. He connected with something, And swung round again, his arm sailing through empty space.

The giant began to take short steps back, raising both hands in front of him.

Hopefully I'll get my sight back soon, He thought, attempting to hear beyond the ringing in his ears, trying to discern where his opponent was.

[jdd2035]

Cain had no time to think, flash blindness didn't last very long. All of a sudden he felt a powerful hit to his body specifically the area between his shoulder and pectoral muscle, one time in his past Cain was hit by a cannon ball, it had been fired at a distance skipped several times and then struck him but still he was hit in by a cannon ball. The glancing blow by this giant golem creature felt quite similar. It knocked this wind out of him that was for sure and he wondered if he had any broken body parts. He gave him self a momentary once over and then let his mind go to work on the next problem which was the giant becoming unpinned from the loose cannon.

Cannons probably weren't loaded so shooting the brute was out of the question and the fact he alone couldn't turn a cannon around in enough time for it to work. But there was the shot... Twelve pound shot should be felt even through John's bio metallic armor. Cain picked up a round of twelve pound chain shot. Two twelve pound balls connected by a short chain used to cut rigging. Now to make his one second of his opponents blindness really count. He didn't aim for the ribs or for sweet chin music on the very off chance that he might knock the big guy out.

Cain twisted his body for torque and aimed for the knee of the giant. Even a mild tap to such a spot could bring even the toughest people to tears....He hoped. There was a lot of hoping in Cains mind.

[redford]

John's vision returned gradually, and he saw a shape careen towards his leg, and a dull pain as his knee was jerked to the side. The half-giant was lucky, his knee was bent and it only drove his knee to the ground instead of bending it sideways. His vision cleared further, and a silhouette appeared, and John struck at it.

Two spikes formed at his fist, and he jabbed forwards, aiming to crush his opponent's chest, and if not that, then hopefully he would buy enough time to regain the rest of his sight.

[jdd2035]

The hit was direct and Cain felt the metal spikes tare through his coat, shirt and finally his flesh digging into the bone. Cain had expected this and accepted that this would happen. He had nothing that could answer the behemoths strength, speed or what ever power was manifesting its self at present. When fighting an action against a far superior ship one can only do so much use every ruse, every caper, every way to amuse the opposing force but A captain, a good captain will acknowledge when he has been beaten and for the sake of his crew, and of course himself will strike his colors. Today was such a day taking a breath Cain shouted "WAAAIIITTTT" loud enough to be heard over the din of an entire broadside being set off.

In the pause Cain returned his cavalry saber into its scabbard and stated "My good sir. I have no answer to you and your prowess in combat. I can give a good show, but I will only be delaying the inevitable. I here by humbly strike my colors to you under honorable conditions." With that Cain removed his hat from his hear and bowed to the giant. "In landsmen terms I surrender."

[redford]

Well, at least he knows when he's beat.

For all his scampering around the ship and making his trickery, he put up surprisingly little of a fight. John wondered briefly if he was simply in a different class than his opponent.

Perhaps he was just too used to fighting to the death, but if you weren't prepared to fight to the death, then you weren't prepared for the citadel.

His head still rung, but it was too easy, and John was already thinking of his next fight as he formed a hammer in one hand, striking down his opponent as he bowed, surrendering.

A dull crack filled the interior of the ship, and Cain lay motionless as the world warped and twisted around him, and he appeared back in a dimly lit hallway, standing before Jor, the recently promoted Ai'Bron monk. He spoke, frowning.

"Well, that was mean of you."

John grunted in response. "There is no mercy on the battlefield, Jor."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean you have to be rude."

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Judgment

Story

Redford: 12/30

I have said in prior judgments (especially in your fight against Hailwing) that it can often be difficult to incorporate a story into a classic player-versus-player thread, and this was really no exception either. You got credit for highlighting the relationship between Jor and John at the beginning and giving the reader something to enjoy, but other than essentially “doing a favour” for Jor by testing out one of his arena creations, there was little semblance of any sort of story or building of a plot throughout the battle. I also felt the conclusion lacked massively and this hurt your score too.

Your pacing was your highest overall score in this category, and I felt you did a good job at keeping the momentum going, but you really came up short in setting. A short Citadel thread like this suffers when writers don’t pay enough heed to the surroundings, and I felt there was something of an opportunity missed at the start when you arrived on the ship. The description of the Citadel was good and for the life of me I can’t understand why you didn’t carry that through to the arena itself, which was rich in both content and potential for utilisation. Sadly this was a problem that was consistent throughout your posts (especially post nine). I don’t like to be too critical, but I expected far more from you here and feel the need to impress upon you the importance of attention to detail when it comes to setting in Citadel threads. If you work on this area, your scores will improve.

JDD: 15/30

As I mentioned in Red’s judgment above it can often be difficult to tell a story in a classic player-versus-player thread, but this was an area I believe you made a good attempt at for a first battle whilst not really pulling up any trees. It wasn’t as much an underlying story which earned you points in this category, but the little flashbacks and snippets of history accompanying your posts that added splashes of colour to your battle. I point to posts four and eight as examples of when Cain recalls an experience and applies it to his current situation, giving the reader some small insight into his past adventures. Whilst not top tier storytelling, you deserve credit for the work you did here and should be encouraged to carry this type of technique into future Citadel threads.

I felt you also did a relatively good job at keeping the pace of the thread steady to a point, but Cain’s surrender seemed glaringly out of place and very sudden so this hurt your score here. I felt that the battle could have gone on longer, especially considering the momentum Cain was carrying. However, your main strength in this bout was in your setting, and use of it. Your knowledge of ships (as picked up on in The Lambs Fight Back) is quite evident and you do a good job of using that knowledge to bring the arena to life. Where I was most impressed was your use of both the cannons and the powder charges to try and get the upper hand on your brutish opponent, knowing that going toe to toe would be a bad idea. As Logan once said: “creativity is the way to a judge’s heart”, and I am no exception in this regard. Well done here.

Character

Redford: 13/30

It is no secret that John is the strong and silent type, and prefers to do his talking with his fists. Whilst communication suffered a little as a result of your lack of character specific dialogue, you scored on persona for presenting John the way he was intended: a no-nonsense brawler who focuses on getting the job done. I’ve said this to you before but I still believe an area for improvement here in future Citadel threads would be to treat the reader to a little more of John’s thought processes by introducing more internal dialogue where external dialogue doesn’t quite fit the scene. Whilst nobody expects John to be reciting monologues during a fight, he’ll still have various thought processes or bits of colourful dialogue he can use that will align with his persona.

There was some good action here from John throughout the thread. In particular, I liked the way he ripped up the floorboards on the top deck to get to the lower deck early in the thread, and the way John generally stomped around the ship like an unhinged monstrosity. I also liked the way you weren’t afraid to have John take multiple hits, giving the battle a realistic feel. However, I was hoping for some more creativity when it came to the use of John’s armour, which felt a little bland given the possibilities. You have a very unique ability there and I believe you haven't drawn out anywhere near its full potential in this battle, which was a shame.

JDD: 15/30

Your communication score was higher than Redford's as I felt you gave me a better insight into the workings of your character through dialogue, and your persona fit with what I believe you wanted out of Cain's character. It's quite clear that Cain is wily and commanded the arena in a way that complimented his character well - The Peregrine's captain using his maritime knowledge to turn the resources of this entire ship to his advantage - and in that respect I was suitably impressed. Cain's resourcefulness when it came to keeping John on his toes helped score vital points in the action catagory, but again I must point to his sudden surrender as a big negative here. It did not escape my attention that you were trying to be realistic, and that's a sentiment that I can always relate to and appreciate, but I felt there was much more to come from you than ever made it to the final posts and I was disappointed by this. My advice here is to try and see the battle through to a satisfying conclusion, especially if you have already invested so much effort into your strategy.

Prose

Redford: 18/30

Mechanically, there was very little wrong with your posts. There were almost no spelling mistakes, aside from a few typos, and sentence and paragraph structure were correct and concise. The same can be said for clarity too, although there was one occasion where I had to re-read both yours and JDD's posts to understand how you got to the lower deck. Otherwise, you scored well here.

Your technique started well but suffered as the battle went on. Your opening post was probably the strongest in terms of description ("The familiar sights, smells and sounds of the Citadel greeted John once again as he walked through a gated arch of black stone into the courtyard. It was midday, and awnings were spread out wherever there were people. Stalls, gambling pits, and the monks’ booths were all shadowed by cloth spread on poles. People crowded around the shade like birds to a tree, squawking over wares, wine, and wagers. The metal giant spotted brother Jor, one of the Ai’Bron monks who had taken a liking to him. ") and making the reader visualise what John can see, pulling them straight into the battle, but as you continued to post this effort waned until it almost completely flatlined in post nine and your conclusion. It just seemed like you gave up at this point, and as a result your technique score was damaged quite a bit.

JDD: 15/30

Mechanically speaking, the thread seemed to be a mixed in terms of quality but I have to say you have improved a lot since your last judgment. Whilst there were a few obvious grammatical errors that couldn’t be ignored (consisting mostly of a lack of proper punctuation), you generally kept the spelling mistakes to a minimum and I only picked up a couple of typos. Clarity was actually your strong suite here and I didn't find myself struggling to understand what was going on at any given time, save for the occasion where you both made your way down to the lower deck, which as explained above I had to re-read.

With regards to technique, the improvements that had been made since your last judgment in The Lambs Fight Back were really evident in the writing, especially when describing your movement around the lower deck of the ship, but I felt you failed to pull the reader in as much as you could have done here (which in all fairness is understandable in your first Citadel thread). The only other point to note in this category ties in with what was said about the conclusion of the story itself. When compared to the rest of the battle, the conclusion was sudden, poorly written and seemed rushed. The key to a good piece of writing is to introduce, and maintain, a good consistency of technique throughout the entirety of a story from beginning to end and my suggestion would be to think about this for future pieces you may write, as was suggested in the last judgment.

Wildcard

Redford: 5
JDD: 5

I'm giving you both a five here. For Redford, your wildcard reflects both your willingness to take hits and your portrayal of John as the silent bruiser we have known him to become. For JDD, your wildcard reflects how I enjoyed your utilisation of the setting and your thinking behind your actions. Well done!

Total scores

Redford: 48
JDD: 50

JDD wins!


JDD receives 1500 EXP and 50 GP
Redford receives 450 EXP and 25 GP

Congratulations!

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added, and the appropriate AP has been removed.