Workshop: The Falling Star's First Day.

[Tobias Stalt]

Name of Completed Thread: The Falling Star's First Day (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29032-The-Falling-Star-s-First-Day-%28Opening-Post%29)
Name of Authors: Chaplain, Atrina, Zack Blaze
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 14 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: (30 Days from Workshop Posting)

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Kryos]

Feedback after a quick read:

Story:

This was there area that I had the most difficulty with. The start of the thread was well done, with a decent establishment of setting and character by Chaplain, although it took a bit to understand you were in the tundra of Salvar. However, the fact that Holly is clueless as to what she is doing, who/what she is as well as Jackie, made it unclear what was going on. Throw a very forgetful druid into the mix, and the pacing and overall storytelling took some hits. Also, I felt as if the thread didn’t actually end, and it would have been nice to see some new goal or course of action that Holly would come away with.

Things did get better when Zack Blaze entered the mix, with new motivation and purpose that then progressed the story forward through the act of teleporting and breaking his finger, not in that order of course.

Characters:

Your characters were the strong point of this thread. Despite the fact that a “fallen star” with no memory is tricky to deal with in terms of storytelling, I felt that you did a wonderful job portraying how utterly clueless she was. She was very relatable in that way, asking questions about Jackie, the holes in her arms, the snow, all of it. My favorite line that is very relatable was in post #2:


Holly continued to mumble and march her way through the woods.

That was wonderful and something that I could see myself doing.

Next is Atrina. I absolutely LOVE your character idea of an extremely forgetful druid. It was a little hard to keep reading the same thing over and over, due to how often she forgets things. But, I was very excited to read the line that explains how she deals with it by writing things on her arm.


Atrina's arm was marked with crossed out items from her list of necessities, and she happily bounced towards the edge of the village where she might return to the icy home she had made for herself in the woods.

Not only was that a wonderful insight into your character, but it was written very well and showed us what she was doing in the town.

Zack, I don’t have much to say, as your character was the only one who had a grasp on his surroundings and purpose in character. I tip my hat to you for making me laugh with this fantastic line:


. . . though internally he wanted to beat a puppy with a sack full of window panes.

Prose/Technique

While not the strongest, overall, your prose and technique didn’t pull away from the story or characters. Anything that I did notice would be caught by reading through it after the initial writing. As a rule of thumb, always go back and re-read things at some point; even after you post it is okay. I will mention this line, which was very impressive to me in terms of creativity and how it was worded:


“I suggest we head towards where the stars seem to fade, that usually happens around civilization.”

Overall, well done for completing a thread! It was a fun read, if a little confusing at times. Thanks for a fun time. As always,

DFTBA

[Breaker]

I can't think of anything clever to say... this was a good thread, and I encourage you all to keep writing here.

Storytelling

Chaplain: You got off to a shaky start with vague mentions of Holly being a shooting star, but stuck the setup of the black hole in her elbow nicely and took off once I got comfortable with the idea of Holly being a human lost in the wilds.

Atrina: I would have liked to know more about Atrina's background; being a forgetful travelling druid is convenient but causes the character to lack the kind of substance that would make her more memorable. One easy example of a way to do this would be having Atrina compare the snowy land to the place(s) where she was raised. It takes only a moment and tells tons about the character and their past.

Setting

Chaplain: You showed strokes of brilliance and yet faltered often with word choice and order. While this technically falls under mechanics, when it is severe enough to impact the reader's perception of the setting most judges will deduct points here. What you want is to make this kind of description

Up ahead, through the edge of the forest where the trees thin in their dispersal, the first signs of civilization can be seen. The backs of wooden buildings, shingled roofs layered with snow, smoke coming from the chimneys. The hung clothes lines, forgotten garbs partially covered in what must have been last night's snowfall.
read more like this one

the pale disk of the moon had reached the end of its journey and the golden rays of the sun started to shine,
Even in the first example there are flashes of great writing, but they get lost due to errors that seem attributable to a lack of editing.

Atrina: You barely mentioned the setting and while I understand and appreciate that you opted for a more "roleplaying" oriented approach, you can still bring the setting to life without writing flowery descriptions. For example the way Atrina had her shopping list written on her arm was excellent because it gave me a physical description while also telling me something about her character. Try to think of similar unique ways that she might interact with the environment and you'll be on the right path. You also missed opportunities to explore the setting with things like referring to the jacket in post #7 as "winter-weather" rather than stating what the jacket was made from.


Pacing

Chaplain: Since your character's only real goal in this thread was survival, I would have liked to see that be more difficult. Her only real obstacle was sore feet, and if not for the comic relief that would have caused the thread to fall a little flat.

Atrina: You were direct and to the point almost to a fault, however that can be a good thing in this category and I appreciated your brevity.

Communication

Chaplain: Dialogue felt incnosistent with the overall narrative at first, but it all became cohesive toward the end of the thread. I might suggest trying to gear the internal conversation with the gun more toward what's happening next, to make it a bit less repetitive.

Atrina: You painted a picture of a silly easygoing young woman with internal dialogue, however I could have used more actual dialogue as Atrina's fox Fen appeared out of nowhere at the end of your first post. Also, I thought Fen was a dog. If she'd said something to the fox earlier it would have given the entire post more integrity.

Action

Chaplain: I would have liked to be able to see more of Holly's specific actions, especially her reaction to the cold in the first half of the thread. I didn't get much sense of the cold at all other than when you stated that she was cold, so I would have liked to see Holly shivering, and what the ice and snow would do to bare feet other than cut them up and cause blisters. Realistically she probably would have had or been close to frostbite, and that would have impacted her movement.

Atrina: Overall this was one of your strongest areas; Atrina's actions kept me entertained and gave me insight to the type of person she is. Once again I would have liked to see more interaction with the fox, as Fen's entry was a complete and confusing surprise.

Persona

Chaplain: It took awhile for Holly's persona to settle and sync up with the way she talks and behaves, but once it did it felt fairly natural. One thing I do need to mention is the fact the gun started off as "Jacky" and ended as "Jakey"... definitely sort that out.

Atrina: If you choose to continue with the constant amnesia backstory, I would recommend at least hinting at it in your first post. A stronger hint, I mean. When you referred to her as "forgetful" in post #3 it seemed like you were just opting out of describing who Atrina was and where she'd come from.


Mechanics

Chaplain: Please, please proofread your work. You show the ability to write excellent prose and yet it is so rife with errors I couldn't enjoy most of it. Punctuation and and switches from past to present tense were the two largest problems, but there were also issues with word order, selection, and other problems a spellcheck doesn't catch. With a little work in this area I feel like you could be writing with the proverbial big dogs around here.

Atrina: Very few issues that I spotted, other than a few typos which an extra proofread would probably catch. Well done.

Clarity

Chaplain: The poor mechanics of your post marred the clarity considerably, and overall I think a good read-through or two before posting would solver a significant portion of your problems here as well.

Atrina: Your posts provided a breath of clarity that was much needed, despite the fact that your character's thoughts were constantly muddled by recurring amnesia. Well done.

Technique

Chaplain: You had some great standalone imagery, but before you can dial that up and work on blending it with the rest of your writing you need to iron out the kinks in your mechanics. I want to tell you to start pushing the envelope with your technique because you really did write some beautiful metaphors here, but they will be lost in translation if you don't sort out some of the things mentioned above.

Atrina: I didn't notice much advanaced technique from you, and with the solid fundamentals you showed I really encourage you to dive into imagery headfirst with your next/current thread.

Wildcard

Zach Blaze: It's Ai'Brone, damnit.

[orphans]

Story:
It starts strong but then it kind of stops. It's the good start to a story and there is definitely room for more. What is there paints a picture of a beginning at the edge of civilization. The mention of people watching was good to help with what was happening, but maybe some bits and pieces of what was said could be thrown in as well. Or even what they look like in terms of dress, facial features and such. Seeing patterned outfits vs bland outfits could hint at the culture in the area.


Character:
Atrina was consistent forgetfulness and Holly was consistently clueless. That being said, Fen seemed to just pop into existence as an afterthought. Jacky becomes Jackey, so be careful with inconsistencies. I got the sense that Zack was a very loud sort of personality. There was mention of "not hiding his identity," but as a reader I never understood why it would be important or not important to do so. I figure it might have come up if the story continued.


Other Stuff:
Be sure to edit for errors in words usage and clarity. Made it difficult to read in most parts and I found the overall flow to be more rapids rather than a stream. Some of the imagery also confused me, such as "blizzard like bazaar."



Ending Comments:
It was an interesting read, but I feel bitter because it's like seeing things getting interesting and then the outro music starts with a "see you next week!" thing.

[SirArtemis]

Story

Honestly I don't feel like there was much of a story here, but by that I mean that there was no real underlying goal binding all of this together. This felt more like things were just happening. I began to get the feeling that Holly was an outsider, but that wasn't explored very much. I'll also note that I have zero idea of what any of your characters look like, and though there was a bit of an attempt at setting and interaction with it, it was very limited. The pacing was fine, but unfortunately it felt like it was on pace to go somewhere and didn't, thus ending abruptly.


Character

This was immensely confusing. Whereas I understand the notion that Holly may have lost her memories, what I don't understand is whether she was always a human being. There's implication that she is a fallen star, but then her reaction to a physical body seemed . . . I suppose out of place. If you were thrown into the body of a leopard there would be a lot of unfamiliarity and learning to move your body in a very different way than you're accustomed. I also feel like amnesia is one thing, but it wouldn't likely de-age Holly and make her behave childishly. As for the healer, I'm still trying to figure out the source of these memory lapses. Does she just suffer from short term memory loss?

Zack, I don't even know where exactly you fit into this. Just a dude passing through looking for a healer who decides to help the trio get out from an uncomfortable situation.


Prose

There were inconsistencies and typos which I think could be caught with a reread. Some instances of homonyms. The one thing I'd say to focus on though is to pay attention to tense. There are things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. Stories are typically written as though they had happened, or on occasion as though they are happening now. It's rare to see a story told in the future tense. Dialogue can have references to future and there are some exceptions, but within the writing there were some jumps to other tenses even though the majority was past tense.


Wildcard

Overall I'd say to start your focus on figuring out what story it is you're trying to tell, and maybe making an outline. And then trying to catch yourself with keeping it in a single tense, probably past tense because it is generally easiest. Once you start to build that foundation you can move on to developing your characters more depth and adding more color and detail. Even referencing your fox without telling me it's a fox for a couple more paragraphs can leave reader feeling lost and with a lack of clarity.



Hope that helps!

[Rayleigh]

This workshop is now closed! Thank you so much to everyone who contributed feedback. Rewards will be posted soon.

[Rayleigh]

Thread: The Falling Star's First Day (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30682-Workshop-The-Falling-Star-s-First-Day)
Type: Workshop Rewards

Kryos receives 440 EXP, 60 GP, and 4 AP.
Breaker receives 1400 EXP, 60 GP, and 4 AP.
orphans receives 625 EXP, 60 GP, and 3 AP.
SirArtemis receives 790 EXP, 60 GP, and 4 AP.

To compensate for your wait, and thank you for your patience, and additional 25% EXP and 50% GP have been added.

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added.