Workshop: Death's Construction

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: Death's Construction (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29727-Death-s-Construction-(closed-to-Aurelianus))
Name of Authors: Tshael & Aurelianus Drak'shal
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 13 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: March 4, 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Whispers of Abyssion]

Comments after a quick readthrough of the thread.

Story:

Tshael, I'm afraid your opening post failed to grab me - it told rather than showed, read passively rather than actively. Aure's first post did a great job of introducing the tiefling and his House, but it wasn't until Tshael started to interact with Aurelius that her story picked up pace.

The following line in Tshael's opener intrigued me most: "So, she’d bought a warhorse. She’d bought winter furs. She’d killed a deer and kept the antlers, selling off the rest." When I read it first, I had no idea what to make of it in the context of the rest of your opening. Would it have helped to weave it into the narrative a bit more? When I looked back on it after reading post 7, though, I appreciated what you were trying to do in seeding later elements of your story.

Overall I enjoyed the tale - it was well woven, with development in both characters. It was clear by the end of Tshael's first post what the story would entail, but you kept the journey interesting with well-written interaction, intriguing scenery, and vivid description. The payoff was that by the end I felt poised on a precipice... even though these characters have parted ways, what are they going to get up to next?


Background:

Aurelianus had home-ground advantage in this thread, and did a brilliant job of bringing his den of sin to life. The mood, the setting, the underculture - all were very well written without overwhelming the reader with vice. Tshael, you focused more on what concerned your character directly, which made your posts feel a bit terse in comparison but paid particular dividends in post 9. I got shivers as you immersed me in Tshael's fevered suffering as Aure operated.

Both of you have unique angles to Althanian lore (dranak and tiefling) and did a good job of integrating this into your writing. Tshael's journey between countries and her history with Thoracis, and Aure's mention of Maddy and the Order, added a touch of history to the thread. The end result felt vibrant, alive. Again, well done.


Characters:

Aure's home-ground advantage also allowed him to introduce and expand on a diverse cast of characters, which he used to great advantage by to reflect his tiefling's personality and aims. Tshael interacted with them well, and you collaborated together on a memorable penultimate scene with Gimmel. I always enjoy a story with memorable side characters, and this was one such thread.

I don't have much else to say - both main characters were also handled well. Tshael, your introduction came across perhaps a bit rushed? I might have liked to see it spaced out more, not dumped on me in the first two paragraphs. You do a great job of teasing out the nuances of your character in your writing, though. Aure, you have an amazing grasp on not only your character, but also on how he affects everybody around him. Rarely have I seen moral corruption written so well.


Technique:

I have little to comment here. Tshael, I might suggest that you break up your posts more, perhaps by placing more emphasis on her mental one-liners - aesthetically it can be difficult to read through a succession of four-line paragraphs. Your writing is very stream-of-consciousness, flowing from one sentence to the next. But I sometimes found your individual sentences difficult to parse for a variety of reasons: run-on phrases, missing commas, duplicated words, etc. I lost the flow of Tshael's thoughts when I stumbled on these, which unfortunately disrupted my reading of the thread.

Aure, I might point out that you use dashes quite often. In some places I thought it might read better to properly break up the sentences instead. Otherwise I found your writing a joy to read (Aure-rated content aside).


* In closing: What does Tshael intend to do with her new body? What new horrors will Aurelius inflict on the world? Watch this space...

[Breaker]

I took the time to read Whispers' comments and I agree with most of what he said, so hopefully I won't repeat anything here. Doing this as a condensed rubric because you're both advanced writers and there's no need to go deep into every single category. Overall I enjoyed the read; I read most Althanas threads out loud and this one's vocabulary was great. Thanks for making it such a pleasure to post a review!

Story

Tshael: The one thing I think I disagree with Whispers on his your narrative hook - it grabbed my interest right away. Although I didn't immedieately know why Tshael was journeying to Salvar I got a strong sense of a dark, dreaded purpose, and you set Aure's entrance up beautifully. A little more background might have helped but since I'm already familiar with Tshael I didn't personally miss it. You really drove the story as it moved on, since it was Tshael's need/desire creating the action, and did a great job of giving just enough backstory to justify her actions without getting too hung up in the past.

Aure: It can be difficult to create intrigue when your opening post is basically an ordinary day in the life of your character, but I thought you handled it quite well. You did an excellent job of creating the setting and maintaining it with thoughtful details throughout the thread. You're also extremely mindful of Aure's impact on his surroundings (such as the bladed armor scraping/shredding everything) and I really enjoyed that.


Character

Tshael: I haven't got much to say here... you write Tshael incredibly well, and stuck with her while letting Aure do most of the work on the supporting cast. In theory I'd like to see you use other characters more, but in the context of this thread it made sense and worked well as is. The few times that you did play Aure it felt consistent with his own writing.

Aure: Overall your character work was excellent, although I feel like making it a little less busy in the beginning may have behooved you; it didn't seem as though it was necessary to have so many of Aure's underlings involved in the opening scene, although you did use them well. Also be careful when switching third person limited perspectives such as here

Val - her full name, though rarely used within the House, was Valyrmen Senesca - raised a wine glass to her lips and sipped. She wiped an errant drop of ruby red from her lips coquettishly, leaning back in the chair. The Raiaeran was used to Aurelius losing his temper, but she was comfortable in the knowledge he understood her true value. Readjusting the immaculately tailored velvets she wore, the pale-skinned madam spared a look at the two other men standing in the room. Gimmel, unable to return the glance, stood statue-still, hands clasped behind his back and head cocked to listen to everything going on. His body was hidden beneath layers of tight-fitting leather, buckled and strapped in place in a manner akin to his chosen master, but Val could see the tension writ large across his frame. He was not as used to being on the receiving end of Aurelius' anger, and she admitted to herself, there was something vaguely adorable about his kicked-puppy demeanour.
I didn't pick up on the fact that this paragraph was being written from Val's perspective until about halfway through, which caused a significant interruption. If you'd introduced her full name with something like "Valyrmen Senesca, as her brethren had called her back in Raiaera", or even just noted the taste of the wine rather than simply stating that she drank it, I would have known immediately this was coming from her perspective. I can actually draw a better example from the same post

Cadin, alone in the group, sighed internally. He had been entrusted with this duty, this responsibility, a few times before and every single time, it had left him a nervous wreck. People generally didn't get to disappoint Aurelianus Drak'shal twice. But, at the very least, this time there were two other stooges he could blame if the unthinkable happened.
This could have been a little stronger, but as soon as I read "sighed internally" I knew this paragraph came from Cadin's perspective. Having something like this at the beginning of Val's paragraph would have strengthened you opening considerably.



Prose

You're both excellent writers with great technique, and the mechanical errors that exist here are likely just the result of insufficient editing, so I'm going to (try to) pull a few advanced examples where things could have been a little better.

Tshael: I've probably said before that you write some of the best imagery on Althanas, but it can be ruined at times by a lack of editing.

The tiefling gave nothing away, just as the viper in the fallen leaves stared the same in rest and tension. Whether because of word order or choice or maybe a typo, this simile doesn't quite make sense, and it ocurred in the middle of a string of metaphors which were otherwise pretty much flawless. The result was that I read it serveral times trying to make sense of it, effectively ending my immersion in the thread. I think all you need to do is give a post a read through the next day and you'll eliminate most of these errors.

Aure: You interupted a few really nice phrases by switching from active voice to passive, such as here

Strolling across to the drinks cabinet once more, the alabaster-skinned warlock poured himself another measure of vodka and let loose a low whistle. His tin mug was filled once more, and another was poured for the potential client.
I'm not saying all of these changes should have been made (really just the two in the last sentence), but here's how this can be rearranged into active voice.

The alabaster-skinned warlock strolled across to the drinks cabinet once more. He let loose a low whistle as he refilled his tin mug and poured another for the potential client.

Ordinarily when describing Aure's actions you write in active voice nicely, so I figured this discrepancy might be worth pointing out. Aside from reading better, this also creates more opportunities to add detail. Here's another less crucial example from the same post

"What'd you say your name was?" he smiled, finally moving back over to his desk and laying the drink in front of the woman. His own was thrown back in a single swallow. He had heard it, of course - he just liked to wrong-foot people.
This one actually reads quite well as is but I think it sounds more natural as "He'd thrown his own back in a single swallow." It's a small adjustment, but when you have two or three of these in a post it can really break up a reader's flow. If you're up for a challenge I'd invite you to try doing an entire thread where you strive to write all of Aurelius' actions in active voice. With all the great content you create, it deserves to be sewn together in the strongest way possible.

This was an enjoyable and at times, intense read... well done both of you, and thanks for choosing the Writers' Workshop!

[SirArtemis]

Plot (20)

This was definitely . . . different to say the least. Quite the hook to just say "rated aure" at the start. I was intrigued, though perhaps for the wrong reasons. I didn't expect something so gruesome. I'd be hard pressed to say the setting fell flat given that I'm pretty grossed out, so there was a solid foundation of interaction there, from the smells to the audience at the showing at the end. The story and pace are the bigger focus for me, and the pace was definitely solid. What I will say about story though is that what would have helped me as a reader is to understand more about Tshael's motives for having this massive operation done. I figured she had experienced some loss, but mourning is one thing; giving up your soul for a war-like body of vengeance is another. Maybe I just missed it, but who is it exactly she wants to go after and why? I'm also super curious about Aurelius' ties to Lye. He mentioned some relationship that sounded like it could be interesting but left it up to the dark.


Character (21)

There was definitely a bit more for me here than anywhere else. Aurelius has his personality for sure. Unfortunately, it felt like he took much more liberty with this thread than Tshael did. Her motives, though strong, fell a bit flat. Her reaction to the deal was quick, without hesitation, though again I couldn't understand what could cause that strong of a drive. She did little to interact or have any quirks or traits that I could discern, or at the very least remember. I just wish there had been more there as the character, given that this entire thread was to serve her needs. The other big issue I had was with the actual procedure, and I confess it gets difficult here. On the one hand, it's clearly fantasy; on the other hand, you tried to integrate science. The disconnect there can sometimes catch a reader off guard, or at least me. For example, you tried to fuse arteries together between a horse and a human. I would have rather you articulated perhaps creating new circulatory structure entirely to integrate the vastly different anatomies. Almost like a spider weaving an intricate web, but using your magic to do so internally and create that sort of structure. The same goes for the central nervous system and somehow integrating two brains and nervous systems and spinal columns. A spine beginning in the human's back and merging into that of the horse would be crazy intricate and would need a lot more fantasy than science. There was also a contradiction where at one point he doesn't care if she dies because it wasn't part of the deal, but later it was. This could have been dealt with by articulating that Aurelius was maybe far too invested in his masterful creation to let it go to waste in death, rather than contradicting an earlier comment he had said just hours earlier.


Prose (20)

There were few mechanical errors that I noticed and the majority of your work was clear and well written. I do think, still, there was some confusion when fantasy clashed with science. And there did seem some contradiction with the plant and the eyeless minion (I thought the plant would have to die and dry in his body before you could harvest the seeds). I can't speak to technique so I pretty much just give a six for this score, but overall this was pretty solid.


Wild Card (6)

This was definitely different. It was a quick thread, a fast pace, with some interesting characters. I will confess I felt I got more content and interest from Aurelius' writing, but not for lack of possibility. I get the feeling Tshael sat back in her own thread and there was plenty of opportunity to do more with the character, from both an introductory standpoint to an introspective and reflective stand point. One thing I always ask as a reader is "why should I care?" In the case of Tshael, why should I care if she dies or not in this operation? What drives her? Where can I find compassion? What can I connect to, whether love or hate? With Aurelius, I get a half demonic flesh crafter who is driven by a strange personal moral compass while simultaneously embodying a general weal of selfishness, greed, and pleasure. It is a strange juxtaposition of good and evil traits within a single being, so the reader has a hard time deciding on whether to hate or love the character. But with Tshael, I feel nothing. Perhaps there's more to explore there? I hope that wasn't harsh. Apologies if it was.


Total: 67

[Rayleigh]

This workshop is now closed! Thank you to all participants. Rewards will be posted soon.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop Rewards: Death's Construction (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30686-Workshop-Death-s-Construction)

Whispers of Abyssion (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?15607-Whispers-of-Abyssion) receives:
325 EXP
30 GP
4 AP

Breaker (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?97-Breaker) receives:
1040 EXP
30 GP
4 AP

SirArtemis (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14322-SirArtemis) receives:
585 EXP
30 GP
4 AP

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added!