Volunteers

[SirArtemis]

Hey all,

So this is a request but I'm not sure if anyone is going to be willing to take this on. Still, I thought I'd ask. Unfortunately, this isn't a sanctioned anything so I can't give you rewards beyond what I have, which at best may be some gold (assuming they let me disperse gold even).

So Orphans and I have completed and submitted a thread that was part of a four-part story (The Exodus Storyline). The last thread is here. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26006) At the top of the thread are the threads that preceded this, mostly Orphan's writing and other co-authors, culminating in this final thread.

If anyone is willing, you have two options. One is to read the 4 part series and give feedback, and the other is to read all in order and provide feedback, on the whole storyline. I'm not looking for mechanics or depth of technique, though feel free to comment. I'm interested more in the big picture. How were the characters? What fell flat? What worked well? What did you want more of? What were plotholes that you saw? etc.

I'm not sure if Orphans would divvy up any gold so I won't make any promises but I can do my best. It's really all I have to give other than my gratitude. I was only involved in the 4 part story. Please let me know if you have any questions.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Hey all,

So this is a request but I'm not sure if anyone is going to be willing to take this on. Still, I thought I'd ask. Unfortunately, this isn't a sanctioned anything so I can't give you rewards beyond what I have, which at best may be some gold (assuming they let me disperse gold even).

So Orphans and I have completed and submitted a thread that was part of a four-part story. The last thread is here. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26006) At the top of the thread are the threads that preceded this, mostly Orphan's writing and other co-authors, culminating in this final thread.

If anyone is willing, you have two options. One is to read the 4 part series and give feedback, and the other is to read all in order and provide feedback, on the whole storyline. I'm not looking for mechanics or depth of technique, though feel free to comment. I'm interested more in the big picture. How were the characters? What fell flat? What worked well? What did you want more of? What were plotholes that you saw? etc.

I'm not sure if Orphans would divvy up any gold so I won't make any promises but I can do my best. It's really all I have to give other than my gratitude. I was only involved in the 4 part story. Please let me know if you have any questions.

I'd love to take this on. No reward required.

I'll read the four parter and then go back to the preceding threads.

[Eylana]

Passing this along to Bard.
I know he's done this for others. So he'd be willing to do it for you.

[Bard]

I'll do it for free, just know that'll take me a while.

[SirArtemis]

To those who volunteered, thank you, truly. I know that an investment like this can take an immense amount of time, and we both get that. So take your time, and do it as you will. If you want to do rubric based on the 4 part series, by all means. If you want an overview of the whole series, that works too. As I was personally only involved in the exodus storyline, I have little to gain from the other parts, but Orphans definitely does of course. It'd certainly be interesting to see how the characters/writing changed over time too.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

To those who volunteered, thank you, truly. I know that an investment like this can take an immense amount of time, and we both get that. So take your time, and do it as you will. If you want to do rubric based on the 4 part series, by all means. If you want an overview of the whole series, that works too. As I was personally only involved in the exodus storyline, I have little to gain from the other parts, but Orphans definitely does of course. It'd certainly be interesting to see how the characters/writing changed over time too.

You're very welcome!

I'll probably approach the overview for each part as I would do a condensed judgement, but just without the formality and with a lot more personal opinion. I'm looking forward to reading this all over the weekend, as I just finished reading the Green Mile and need something else to read now.

[Revenant]

Ok, deep breath, aaaaaand ….

Note: This judgement is for the whole Exodus Saga story.

Story: 16

Storytelling – 6

These threads provided an interesting story, and one that kept me engaged as a reader, but ultimately it felt like an outline of a fuller story. The first two threads did a good job of setting everything up, but I felt that once you got to the third thread you were simply throwing the story out instead of taking the time to flesh it out in a more natural way. And the fourth thread was more than a little hectic and really felt like you just wanted to finish the story just to get it done with. Part of the niceness of having a foreigner is that you can use him as a plot device to tell your story in a more realistic way. People throughout Sel’utia are taking about events in a normal way, just referring to things without exposition, but as a reader who doesn’t know what those all are, it’s really confusing at times. Artemis and Sophia should have been used more as devices to play that backstory out for the reader.

Setting – 6

You set up a really cool world with Sel’utia. It was neat to see how someone from Althanas would deal with higher advanced technology, but ultimately it all just didn’t matter. You put out things like Mana Knights and the mobile gun platform and simply left it at that. The first two threads were, again, the most consistent with providing a good setting which made the story feel alive. The last two sort of felt like you were just going “here is what’s around” and then moving on. What I’d have really liked to have read more of is what exactly the confusion about Artemis being a grezick and what that entailed. All I really got was that it was annoying to Artemis. If this is a land of isolation and prejudice like it seemed to be, I would have liked to have seen it shown more in reactions to Artemis.

Pacing – 4

This story jumps between threads, but what really got you here was the difference between the developmental pace of the first two threads and the beginning of the third thread with how rushed the end of the third thread and the last one was. The last thread in particular just seemed to jump like “this is happening, done, now this is happening, done.” It felt like all threats were resolved within a single post. The urgency that is felt in the final thread isn’t really explored before then. Nothing is done to set it up in earlier parts of the story. The last thread in particular really just felt like one big rush and it detracted from the overall story.

Character: 20

Communication – 8

Your communication was great throughout the story. It really felt like the driving force behind the Exodus Saga. But there were times when the dialogue was written more as an exposition dump instead of a natural flowing conversation. Particularly with Artemis on the gun platform at the beginning of Matriarch’s Wish. Still, it was a single part that didn’t really detract from the whole story, which had great dialogue.

Action – 6

I really liked the action in your first thread. There was so much going on but it didn’t feel confusing. The second thread was also good, with a nice easy pace that really emphasized the overall atmosphere. And in the third thread I really enjoyed Oswald’s parts. What detracted from this the most was your forth thread, and in particular Artemis’ part. For the first half of the thread nothing really happened. There was a lot of exposition dump and that’s it. Then in the second half of the thread things just get mashed together. Then it’s over. Also, the combat scenes gave a good strength to the story but you should focus on tightening them up a bit. Particularly the battle of Arfezeria, which was really confusing and on my initial read through I had no idea what was going on. My biggest disappointment though was Ghemora. Finally, here was a chance to show something awesome. The characters talk it up like it was going to be this huge thing but simply “bang, boom” and done.

Persona – 6

First thing, there were a lot of characters in your story and you tried to give them all some screen time. This worked both for and against you as “cool each character really has a personality” but then “man these characters feel really one dimensional.” But there were a few really good points. Artemis had a lot of really good development in this thread. I really enjoyed reading his “what did I get myself into” parts. But his introspective “I don’t want to have to kill anymore” then going right into being a murder blender and being smug about it in He Who Waits was somewhat jarring. What I didn’t really get a feel for through the thread, up until the very end, was anything about Sophia. For three and a half threads she was just there, sort of. And while I understand that the people of Sel’utia are somewhat superstitious, they are pretty openly talking about her being a Skalu Hudie and from all the time she’s there she picks up nothing about it? From her actions in the library in He Who Waits she obviously is interested in her heritage and yet nothing develops from these people seeming to know more about her than she does.

Prose: 16

Mechanics – 7

Nothing really jumped out at me here on my first read through as off. You obviously made an effort to proof-read and go over your writing. Aside from that, there were areas where your language was really gripping and times that it seemed really simplified. This mixes in a lot with the other categories. Overall, I found more that I liked than not.

Clarity – 4

In a lot of series books the first chapter is used to repeat the basics of the story and setting that’s been established so far. While it can be a little tedious to repeat the same things over and over again each story, you have to assume that whoever’s reading your thread hasn’t read through your whole saga. If I were to just come in on your last thread as a judge, I’d be completely lost. While it would be nice of me as a judge to go back and read through the entire story, I shouldn’t have to. Part of this goes back to how quick paced the last thread was, as if you just wanted it done with, and that really hurt. Your combat scenes also need work to clear up the details. Try to focus on one action at a time.

Technique – 5

You had a really interesting premise with this story. The beginning really set up something that the finale just didn’t carry through on. Once again, I think this is mostly due to the pacing at the end. It really felt rushed and that dumped all the careful rising tension that you began with. The foreigner in a strange land concept was cool but drastically under-utilized. Likewise, Sophia was really more of a plot point than a character, which as the destined one she shouldn’t have been.

Wildcard: 5

TOTAL: 57

Ultimately, I think that Matriarch’s Wish just didn’t live up to the potential that was set in the previous threads. Even the end of He Who Waits, after the team has set off, just felt rushed and bland.