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[Lachan]

I couldn’t believe it, I was in a different realm! How was I supposed to get back home, at least the people here are pretty friendly. I was sitting at the bar of the nearest saloon I could find and some random stranger just pulled up a stool next to me, glancing in my direction he said, “Seems you’ve run into a little bad luck, friend.”
I sat in silence for a few seconds wondering if it was worth it to bother, eventually I decided I was bored, “You could say that, I was just maliciously banished from a different realm into the depths of hell, and after expending all my energy, I escaped it and opened a portal here.” I said with a wry grin, “Beat that.”
My new ‘friend’ was staring at me like I was crazy, then after looking me over, noting the singed armor said, “it does look like the hell part is true, but you do sound about as crazy as that old hermit that lives in the woods.”
He laughed like it was a good joke, but my interest was immediately piqued, “what hermit, what do you mean?”
He looked a bit surprised but answered anyways, “Yeah some old fellow came through here about a year ago spouting nonsense like you, ‘cept he had the decency to throw some dragons in with the hell part.”
I couldn’t believe it, had someone else done what I did and escaped to this place, I had to find him, “Could you tell me where this person lives, I would like to hear his story.”
I got a laugh from that request but he told me, “Sure thing crazy, he lives in the southern part of the forest west of town.”
“Thanks, friend.” I was exhilarated, maybe this guy knows how I could return, hopefully he can help me, and hopefully he isn’t just some crazy old hermit in the woods. As I walked through the western gate there was a spring to my step that wasn’t there before.

[Lachan]

For an experienced battlemage I couldn’t believe myself, I was on a hunt for a hermit, and all my information was from a drunkard at the bar, I couldn’t believe it. But it was to late to go back now, I had already reached the edge of the wood and I had more reason to proceed that to go back, so what the heck.
As the last farm ended and the first of the trees loomed over my head I smiled, even if this is just a wild goose chase, I always did like walks through the woods. I was walking on a game trial and after a few miles of walking I was getting annoyed at the deers circuitous path through the forest, they really need to walk straight. I guess it beats using my sword as a machete though. Once my aggravation started to die down somebody stepped onto the path about ten feet in front of me, it surprised me so much I jumped back a little, then dropped my hand to my sword hilt.
“Oh no need to do that, just give me your money and call it good.” The bandit was holding a long dagger in each hand, but looked like he didn’t expect to be using them, well he was in for a surprise. I ran forward drawing my sword and making a sweeping slash at his chest, all in one fluid movement, unfortunately he was fast. He dropped back into a fighting crouch and hissed between clenched teeth, “now you die for that.” Only then did I notice the line of crimson running from his hip to shoulder, apparently not that fast. Then he lunged for me, I didn’t know what he was expecting to accomplish against a man with a full length sword and as I slashed at him again I found out he had no idea what he was doing so when he fell dead to the ground I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him... then I remembered he was trying to rob me. All the sudden I felt an arrow thump into my left shoulder, sneaky little bandits, was all I thought as I turned around a rushed to where I could now see the archer He knew he was about to die and instead of running he just nocked and loosed another arrow, this once glancing off my side, poor fool. Then my blade entered his chest and he knew no more. I least against a nearby tree to rest, then the pain hit me, I had kinda forgot about the arrow protruding from my shoulder, fortunately my armor had stopped most of the force, but it had still managed to pierce my skin, so I reached back a tugged a little, waves of pain washed over my body, barbed arrow. I wasn’t going to pull this one free so I merely broke the shaft off right above my armor then I very slowly and carefully managed to remove my cuirass so I could move my shoulder, but I didn’t want to just leave it. When I looked at it I knew I needed a new one anyways, so I dropped the burnt mess to the ground and set off once again.

[Lachan]

I’d been walking for hours since my encounter with the bandits, and dusk was soon approaching, I couldn’t help but chastise myself once again, not only did I get my information from a non-reliable source, but I didn’t buy any provisions, and I was wandering through a forest half naked, with a broken arrow sticking out my back without any food. I really need to find this guy...if he exists. My shoulder was really starting to ache and darkness was falling, maybe I can find a cave then try to make a fire. After another hour of searching I stumbled across a small cave opening on the side of a hill, blessing my good fortune I quietly approached, hoping there were no current occupants. I was disappointed, as soon as a got close I heard...footsteps? It sounded like something walking towards me, but strangely wrong, like they had to many legs, my curiosity didn’t overpower my caution, I swiftly hid behind a nearby tree and what I saw exiting the cave thoroughly shocked me. It was about five feet tall, and arachnid, I couldn’t believe it I hate spiders, especially the ones that could eat me. I didn’t think it had noticed me, I really do hate being wrong though. The spiders huge head swivelled to face my tree, then it charged. Being a trained warrior does have its advantages, even though I was scared stiff, my instincts took over, I hurled my body to the side and rolled to my feet, the arrow sending pain lancing through my body, then I swiftly unsheathing my sword, and turned around to face my enemy, it was a bad mistake. The spider was now standing on my hiding spot, it completely uprooted the tree. This beast is not to be taken lightly, damn if only I had my magic, it would be roasting by now. I needed a way out, the spider didn’t seem to smart, but its strength and speed more than made up for that. I quickly scanned the area for anything that would help and was cut short by another charge. I ran, barely fast enough, and escaped to the shelter of a different tree, then an idea struck me, I swiftly sheared a lower tree branch into a living spear, then stood in front of it, just in time for the spiders next charge, This better work. Was all I had time to think before it came crashing towards me, it was within arms reach when I flung my body to the side, hoping my ruse would work. As I heard the beasts pained cry I knew it had, then its foreleg grabbed me, it knew it was dying, but refused to go alone, and even as I sank my sword into it’s abdomen its fangs tore into my left arm cutting straight through my bracer and piercing my skin. I should have stayed in hell, were my thoughts as the spider died and dropped me to the ground, I lay there twitching as the spiders venom took hold of my body. It felt as if I was changing, but I couldn’t concentrate and as I sunk into oblivion I knew I would die.

[Lachan]

My eyes opened to a poorly made wooden roof, I was thirsty, hungry and felt as if I had just been trampled by a score of horses. Then I realized I wasn’t dead and was surprised at my apathy, then I tried to sit up, I couldn’t. My shoulder and arm freshly bandaged, still hurt like hell, and I was to weak even sit up. So I fell back and slipped into unconsciousness once more.
I woke with a pained moan, someone decided it was a good idea to touch my arm, it felt otherwise.
“So you decided to wake up sleepy head.”
The voice was male, and slightly familiar. “Where am I?” My voice however didn’t sound familiar, I could barely make a sound and it came out so hoarse that I felt like I might still die.
“You’re in my house...Lachan, now what are you doing here?”
His voice had taken on a steel tone, “I, came to find...” and my voice gave out.
“I’m sorry where are my manners, here drink this, you’ll feel better.” The stranger gave me a bowl of hot broth and helped me sit up, I drank it like there was no tomorrow and felt much better for it.
“So is there anything else I can get for you, O wise battlemage?”
I finally looked up at my savior wondering who he could be to know who I am, I almost died of shock, “Murdok? You’re here? I thought we banished you.” Understanding hit me, he escaped just like me. Suddenly I was on my guard, I was the one who took down this criminal and made sure he was punished, now I was helpless before him.
“Well, well, you remember me after all. It seems the great Lachan has fallen quite a ways, to be banished I wonder what you could have done.”
He thinks I’m a criminal, well I won’t prove otherwise. “They say the bigger you are the harder you fall, but back to the present how did I get here, wherever here is?”
“Luckily for you I live near the spot you fought that spider, if you stay away from them they usually don’t attack, you fool, what the hell were you thinking, especially with that arrow in your shoulder half naked. You should be dead right now, a spiders bite is death, and you’ve resisted its venom rapidly and completely, how?”
I was just as confused as he was, “I guess I just got lucky,” I looked down at my arm, then I realized just how wrong I looked. It was...bigger, I’ve always been wiry but my arm...I looked over the rest of my body, I sure as hell wasn’t wiry anymore, my muscles were ripped and flexing them I felt so much stronger. My look must have shown what I was feeling.
“What the hell is wrong with you man, you look surprised at your own body.”
“I am surprised with my own body, I’m...bigger, stronger...what the hell happened to me?”
esat there musing for a while, then slowly said “I think I might know what happened, let me do a test.”
He then walked away, reached onto a shelf and grabbed a bottle. He came back to me and told me to drink it, I’d already cheated death once today, so I was feeling lucky, so I downed the bottle. It dropped from my hand as convulsions took over my body, the bastard poisoned me, and for a second time I slipped into unconsciousness thinking I was going to die.

[Lachan]

I woke looking at the same roof, feeling great. That surprised me so I sat up with a start, wasn’t I just poisoned?. Then the second shock hit me, I’d just sat up with almost no pain, What the hell is going on here? Just then Murdok came into view, “What’s going on, I thought you just poisoned me.” With a murderous glare I warily watched him approach.
“You’re right I just made you drink a vial of a giant spiders poison. And just as I thought you’re immune.” A slight grin appeared on his face, “now comes the interesting part, it seems that the reason your body seems different to you is simply because it is, apparently you, for a lack of a better word, absorbed, the spiders power. That’s why you’re immune to the poison, and have bigger muscles, I also have a feeling that your vision has suffered quite a bit, is that true?”
I was sitting there in shock, how did this come to be, I’ve never had this happen before. Then realization hit me like a hammer, and it left me reeling. My loss of magical power, now my innate magical strength manifested itself in a completely new direction. I laid back down trying to come to terms with my new revelation, then I noticed Murdok had moved to the far end of the room, and he was right my vision had suffered.
“I guess you’re right, I can’t see you in much detail.” A long silence stretched for what seemed like forever, then I said, “so now what.”
“Well I was gonna ask you how you got here.”
It took me a second to remember what he was talking about, then I slowly sat up again and told him my story. He didn’t seem to be very surprised, when I finished my tale he sat there nodding his head musing.
“Well now I guess it’s my turn, I was banished to the same plane as you were, except I lacked magical power, so I wandered for days, my path was monotonous except for the occasional dragon that flew overhead. Eventually my strength began to fail me and I collapsed, I laid where I fell in a fevered haze for what seemed like an eternity, then a great voice came to me in disgust, it refused to have my body pollute its realm, and with a burst of fire it expelled me and the next thing I knew I was laying on a bed being tended to by an old lady. After summarily being kicked out of town for being crazy I built my hut and have lived here ever since.”
Then it was my turn to sit there musing, the dragons of the fire realm had the power to send people into other realms. Well it seems I know what to do next, find a dragon.

[Lachan]

I was ready, I had a goal, and when I have a goal I reach it, always. So when I made up my mind to find a dragon, my mind...settled, all the stray thoughts drifted back to the corners of my mind, and my mind focused on my self appointed task, unfortunately I didn’t know much so my mind wasn’t focusing on much of anything, but Murdok seemed to know what I was planning and when I stood up, uttered a gruff thanks and strode to the door I was thankful that Murdok was in a helpful mood.
“Lachan ” He yelled somewhat surprised, when I looked back at him I was merely irritated, “what.”
“Well its just that with your, uh, transformation, your clothes all tore apart and if you hadn’t already noticed you aren’t exactly wearing anything, not to mention your sword is still leaning against the far wall.”
His words took a second to sink in, then with a sudden rush of embarrassment, I too noticed my stupidity, “Well I guess that would have been dumb walking around unarmed.” Then I walked over to my sword picked it up and realized I didn’t really have a place for it, so I just threw the belt part over my shoulder like a bandolier, then adjusted it so I could reach the hilt, “Thanks, now I’m ready.”
When I once again strode towards the door Murdok’s surprised yell turned me around again, “Lachan Where are you going, you aren’t even wearing anything, and where are you going?”
I just looked at him like he was dumb and replied, “Well I don’t have any clothes so that’s why I don’t have any on, and I’m going to find a dragon.”
Murdok just laughed, “You proud fool you could have just asked for some clothes, but lucky you I get really bored around here so I’ll do even better.” Then he walked over to what appeared to be a scrap heap. “As I’m sure you remember I used to be a mercenary, a pretty good one to, but nowadays I never fight, and with a few alterations I made my old armor big enough to fit you.” And as he hoisted up the helm, I couldn’t think of any objections, and put it on, it fit well, "alright, where's the rest?"
All in all, my new armor consisted of a steel cuirass and vambraces, black leather leggings, steel reinforced knee high boots, and a steel 'bucket' helm. I was standing near the door with a slight smirk on my face feeling pretty optimistic, “Well this is definitely the best present I’ve gotten in a while, now, do you know much about dragons?”

[Lachan]

He didn’t, but he did know of someone who might, Murdok couldn’t even give me a name. He just knew of an ancient wizards tower that supposedly had an extensive library, luckily for me it wasn’t even that far away, and he gave me provisions…well, that’s a bit generous, he gave me two sandwiches, but even so, I left his shack grateful.
After a hard, tiring march through miles of forest, one sandwich, and gratefully no surprises I arrived at my destination…a decrepit looking tower. It was probably five stories at its prime, the uppermost section having collapsed, leaving only three and a half. Made of gray stone, half covered in ivy, I was expecting to find it haunted.
I was surprised when I went in, although nothing was in good condition, it seemed cared for, curious I went exploring. After going through the bottom floor, and finding no signs of life I was a little dispirited, but after I climbed the staircase and gazed out onto the second level I cheered up some, it was the library, and it was vast…the entire circumference of the towers wall was floor to ceiling with books and nothing but tables and support pillars in between, and even better three nun looking women reading at a table. When I strode over, removing my helmet as I went, they noticed me, two immediately swung their right hands towards me, and the third just looked surprised. It took me another two steps before my newly degraded vision could make out the glowing glyphs and fireballs slowly coalescing in the two womens hands. My hand flew to the hilt of my sword as I yelled “Whoa! Don’t shoot! I’m friendly.”
The two witches glanced at each other quickly, not letting their guard down one said, “who are you and why are you here, and if you try anything you’re cinders.”
I gave a slow sigh of relief, a week earlier and I could have swatted them both like flies, being left so vulnerable wasn’t something I was enjoying. “I’m Lachan,” and with a quick grin, “and I’m looking for dragons.”

[Lachan]

It took quite a few minutes for the two sorceresses to let their guard down, but after a quick barrage of questions and another quick recounting of my recent adventures, they became almost cheery, and introduced themselves as the great sorceresses Mogora and Soliel, with Isuelt as their apprentice. The two ‘great’ witches then decided to ramble on about their many achievements and awesome skill in all the arcane arts, I decided they would keep talking until I died, so I nodded to the apprentice who gave me a sympathetic look, and then randomly let out a quick shriek, startling everyone, and effectively silencing the other two. “Sorry, but what can we do for you?” Isuelt asked nicely.
“Actually I’m trying to find a dragon, maybe you’ve heard of one around here?”
They laughed, “oh boy have you come to the wrong place for that. There aren’t any dragons around Scara Brae, it’s practically a training ground for novice adventurers, and they don’t go looking for dragons.”
I was shocked at their laughing at my request but recovered quickly, “well where should I go then?”
“Boy how good are you with that blade, you wearing special armor, or do you know any powerful magic? Someone of your obviously low caliber would be roasted before getting near a knowledgeable dragon, they aren’t exactly nice.”
I just stood there taken aback, how could she talk to me like that, but after a minute of thought I realized she was right, with the loss of my magic I wasn’t much better than any common mercenary. “Fine than what do you suggest I do, forget about going home, or go live in a hut down by the river?”
“No, no, I didn’t mean to insult, but maybe for now you take some jobs around town, make some money, maybe some allies, then get yourself some decent equipment and then look for your dragon.”
I was adequately mollified, “you’re right, I guess I should just go back to town and see who could use and extra sword, thanks.”
“Oh ho, don’t go running off just yet, if you’re gonna take my advice I can give you a job right now, get ya started.”
I was confused, wasn’t she the great and powerful Mogora, “what could I do that you couldn’t handle yourself, o powerful mage?”
“Actually it’s quite simple, there’s a cave nearby with a few giant spiders living in it, and they’re resistant to magic, so I need someone like you to get rid of them for us. I’ll even give you this sword I’ve enchanted for killing them, it cuts through even the hardest carapace with ease, just be careful it’s only made of iron and can still be broken.”
I couldn’t help but give a small smile, already almost had one almost kill me, and she wanted me to go kill a few. Things could probably be worse was all I thought to myself as I told her I would do it in the morning.

[Lachan]

I woke up with a headache, I thought it was probably a bad omen. I’d slept on the floor of the library, the three witches having quarters in the third floor. So when I woke I had some time to myself, first I mentally complained about the predicament I was in, after a good thirty seconds of that I got to my feet, put on my armor and began inspecting some of the countless books. There was everything you could imagine, from ancient myths to horse breeding. Not to mention the hundreds of tomes related to everything arcane. I made a mental note to return if I ever recovered my magical potential. When I went to go sit at a table I realized how stupid I could be sometimes, I already had…sorta. So I began to search, after a good half hour I had a nice stack of reading material to flip through, I was lucky the sleeping beauties weren’t early risers. Unfortunately it didn’t matter, I didn’t find any reference as to how my power could…shift like it did, or of anyone else who could ‘absorb’ traits of slain enemies. Great for me, I was running blind, with no knowledge of my newfound magical affinity.
“Good morning, sir Lachan.”
All three of them had quietly come down the stairs and decided to startle me, I was really looking forward to leaving. “Hey, so where’s this place you want me to go?”
Mogora decided to respond, “now, now, did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed? How about some breakfast first, or maybe we could…”
“I’d really like to get this done with.” I didn’t think she would ever stop unless interrupted.
“I guess you aren’t a morning person, but very well, it’s two miles due north, right at the base of a big hill, which is actually the beginning of the big mountain range, and that place has some really nasty monsters lurking in the…”
After the two miles north part I just left, she didn’t notice at all, the rest was just slowly fading chatter. When I looked back from the top stair, I say Isuelt quietly giggling and Soliel with a slight grin, and with a smile in return I went spider hunting.

[Lachan]

The walk didn’t take long, and by midmorning I had arrived at my destination. I stood just within sight of the cave mouth. It was about ten feet high and wide, with a nice 20ft clearing around the front, I was hiding behind a nice hefty tree trunk. I didn’t exactly trust Mogora’s ‘enchanted blade’ so along the way I had carved three crude spears out of some nice oak saplings, I’d also quietly hacked a horizontal limb on the cave side of my hiding tree, just in case. Then I carefully adjusted my two sword belts, both around my hips, with Mogora’s blade at my left and mine to the right, and attacked. I left one of my spears at my tree and slowly stalked to the cave, halfway across the clearing I was detected, two of them appeared at the mouth nearly identical to the one I had fought before, of course this time I noticed the nice slightly pearlescent shine of their carapace. That could make some nice armor, if I don’t die. I took a step to the right one and hurled my spear as hard as I could, unfortunately, I didn’t know my own strength, and it flew wide and rocketed into the cave. The throw did surprise them, and gave me a few precious moments to readjust and throw my second. I got lucky, the point entered right at the base of its head burying half the shaft in the creatures body. Then I drew my sword, took a two hand grip, closed the gap to the other one and leapt for it, raising my sword high over my head I brought it down with bone shattering force, straight onto the center of it’s abdomen. My blade sunk in, but nowhere near as much as I’d expected, the blow was fatal, but not instantly, and in the spiders last few moments it sort of reared up and sank it’s fangs into my left shoulder, pumping me full of poison. Before I crapped myself, I remembered that I was immune, and slowly, painfully I extracted the dead spiders fangs, and limped back to my tree, and fell face first into the ground half way there.

[Lachan]

My mind was all foggy, I couldn’t remember where I was…then all of the sudden it just hit me, SPIDERS! And I instantly jerked upright…well more like I got a knee under me and almost fell back down. Hardly any time had passed I was feeling a bit groggy, and my chest stung like hell, my armor had taken most of the blow and the spiders fangs had only just pierced my chest so I wasn’t bleeding badly, and nothing else had come out of the cave. After a few seconds of assessing my situation, I got to my feet and went to retrieve my sword, I looked at the creature, so much for making armor outta him. After struggling for a while I managed to wiggle my sword out, and found that it was broken, snapped halfway down the blade, after further inspection I realized that it wasn’t even mine, I’d put Mogora’s where mine usually was, and managed to break it…great, oh well, she didn’t need it anyways, guess I should make sure I got them all though. With that thought I retrieved my last spear and entered the cave. The cave wasn’t deep and when I found myself looking at the back wall I released a loud sigh…I guess I don’t die just yet. I walked back out and decided I really did want some spider armor made, it was even a slight blue color, it would go really well with my eyes. So after some minor butchering, the removal of my spear and the construction of a travois I was ready to return. It was definitely one of the worst walks of my life, the spider was heavy, and my chest felt like it was going to explode, but with frequent rest stops I managed to get back to the tower, Isuelt was sitting at the door waiting for me. “Hey, it sure took you long enough…did you really kill that?”
I gave her a look like ‘are you serious’, and just replied, “yeah.”
“Fantastic, you’re awesome, Mogora thought for sure you weren’t gonna come back.”
That soured my mood considerably, sending me off on a task I wasn’t expected to survive didn’t sit well with me, “Isuelt please, go bring her down here, if I have to walk up any stairs I might collapse.”
“Of course I’ll be right back.”
After way to long of a wait, Mogora and Isuelt finally came down to see how well I’d done, Mogora instantly skeptical, “Are you sure you got them all, tell me exactly what happened.”
I was in a bad enough mood as it was and was not gonna let a half-rate witch give me a hard time, “I killed the giant spiders that were at the cave…exactly what you told me to do.”
By the look she gave me, I figured she wasn’t expecting me to have any backbone, so she just said, “oh, I see…why did you drag that carcass all the way back here then?”
“See the big holes on my cuirass, I’ll need a new one made, and that thing is pretty tough.”
She became pensive for a moment then said, “I see, and it’s a blue no less, brown and black are the colors of most common giant spiders, but the blue ones are more aggressive and have a stronger carapace. Too bad that’s gonna cost you a pretty penny in town…but how about as your reward I’ll get a friend of mine to do it for you?”
I wasn’t so sure about the expensive part, but this place isn’t exactly my home, so I decided to just agree and hopefully be on my way, “it’s a deal, how long should it take, I’d really like it before I take another job.”
“Oh not long at all, probably just a few days. Tomorrow morning I’ll have Isuelt go back to town with you, she knows who to talk to, I’ll even pay for an inn, until it’s finished.”
She was being…nice, I was confused, but didn’t feel like worrying about it, I was on my way to becoming stronger, and soon I’d find my dragon, and when Isuelt and I left the next day I was finally hopeful.

After I left Mogora and Soliel stood at the doorway watching us walk away, “Trying to bribe him to leave I see.” Soliel snickered.
Mogora just stood there for a few seconds in silence, “You felt it too, that man, I saw great power in his eyes, if he wanted, we’d be dead right now and you know it.”

OOC
spoils-I'm planning to have the spider armor finished at the beginning of next quest, just replacing the steel stuff, so cuirass, and forearm bracers, and reinforced kneehigh boots, all slightly magic resistant. as for myself I absorb slain monsters traits good and bad, only works once per species, currently- giant spider, enhanced strength, minor magic resistance, reduced vision, smell and taste.

[AdventWings]

Story

Continuity - 4
I was... lost. For the most parts, what you outlined in the story was fairly minimal and your motives unclear. Asides from the "Get me home" overtone, that is.

Setting - 4
Much of the scenery and interaction was bare minimum and only narrative. There was hardly any active interaction with the surrounding, such as "plowing through the undergrowth" or kicking up dust from dragging the spider carcass.

Pacing - 4
I will simply say that this story was too rushed for the story to really have any lasting effect, almost as if it was merely an inconsequential encounter. Take your time going through the story and reinforce the storyline where needed. In this instance, perhaps more emotional details and interaction can help to slow down your story development.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 3
Rushing your story also meant you sacrificed many accuracies in writing mechanics as well as grammar and spelling. Misspells is rather common (such as "to" in place of "too" in almost all instances I've come across) and taking some time running your posts through a spell-checker can really help. Most word processor programs can readily do this, but don't always trust them. They can mess up from time to time (especially MS Word), but most of the times they are fairly accurate.

Technique - 3
While I see none of the usual story-telling techniques, you still have some semblance of wordplay and character perspectives. Try out some of the basic writing techniques such as Simile, Metaphor, Personification and Onomotopaiea. Try it out to spice up your writing!

Clarity - 3
Partly from ambiguous writing... Partly from the rushed story-telling. Much of the story just flew by without any real explanation than the well-worn (and all too convenient) "Wrong place, wrong time" machina. There was also no real explanation to Murdok's hospitality (seeing that it was Lachan who brought the criminal in for punishment) and the Witch Sister's reason of keeping him around. In the end, this is attributed to the story development not having enough details.

Character

Dialogue - 5
More or less acceptable. Nothing outrageous, but nothing memorable or noteworthy of the character persona as well.

Action - 4
For a Battlemage commander of the Queen's Army, Lachan appears too inexperienced to know a safe fight from a deadly gamble. This category also deals with NPCs as well - The bandits were too cliche and served more as a minor roadbump with no consequence (especially when none was intended) and the witches too hospitable for someone they deemed as a future threat.

Persona - 4
No offense, but the way Lachan was portrayed in the story painted him as a rookie mercenary. The ex-Battlemage Commander was portrayed as inexperienced and careless which clashed with his history serving in a very high-profile position. However, this does present an interesting predicament that you could exploit in the future.

Miscellaneous

Wild Card - 5
Not bad for a first try. Study some writing examples in your favorite literature and emulate their writing style. Moreover, find your own style that can capture the audience with and pull them into your story.

FINAL SCORE – 39!

((Rewards + Spoils))

Lachan receives 525 EXP and 90 GP. However...

I am a bit iffy about giving you the Spider Carapace armor without some limitations. Therefore, when Lachan finally received his custom-made armor, he found out that it was not a decent fit (the armor being a bit too loose for his liking) and only offered moderate protection against blunt force trauma. A sharp blade can cleave into the armor with some difficulties and its quality of construction would be deemed too crude to make any real profit in the Bazaar.

Giant Spider Traits: I will need to limit your enhancements to the following - Slightly enhances strength (about a little more than your common lumberjack), minor magic resistence, reduced sensitivities to smell, sight and taste. Also, as it was noted in the thread while you failed to note in the spoils, I am willing to grant you poison immunity against that specific breed of spiders. But it only works against that single species - Lachan will have no immunities against other types of poison such as Hemlock or Foxgloves.

Also, seeing that you have lost and gain equipments, I will note here what you have left - Your steel long sword, vambraces, leather pants, knee-high boots with reinforced steel armor.

Good luck on your next quest and remember to take your time writing!

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!