Workshop: Bringing Big Street to Little Country

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: Bringing Big Street to Little Country (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30097-Bringing-Big-Street-to-Little-Country)
Name of Authors: Storm Veritas, Taische & Karuka
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 38 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: March 17, 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for additional rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful, but the judge must approve this request.

[SirArtemis]

Story: (21)

Storytelling: (7)

This was enjoyable to read and it was nice to change things up from the often “epic” storyline focus of writing I find myself reading/writing. The overhanging plot was pretty easy to pick up on early on with “A Day with Uncle Storm” as the central focus. However, at times it felt like the writing from one author to the next contradicted/conflicted with the other author and it caused things to break focus.

Setting: (7)

Overall things were pretty vivid for me, and whether that was due to an in depth description by your writing or just giving me enough to fill in the blank matters less than the general feeling of having enough to go by. There was some interaction with this as well, especially early on I remember the references to the smells of the market or later the attention given to the smoking pipe, but nothing else really resonates with me thinking back. That’s not to say it wasn’t done, but perhaps myself as a reader, I just wasn’t able to feel as connected to the environment beyond visualizing.

Pacing: (7)

I think the pace of the thread overall was done well. There were points where it sort of felt like it was dragging on, mostly between transitions, but given a thread of this length for a single day babysitting, I imagine it was hard to do.



Character (26)

Communication: (9)

This was an area I think you both excelled in and what gave the story its true life and color. The unique voice and personality of Storm and Tiasche and the struggle between the two of them as they felt out boundaries and responsibilities was believable and engaging. There were points that I can say I felt were off, but how does one truly say right and wrong in a case of a 9 year old savant magician? Even Karuka’s brief appearance was very lovely, in place, and maternal, and I got a good sense of her in her brief time in the post as well. The references to her throughout the thread helped.

Action: (8)

This was another way in which you both did well, however some parts felt smooth and others clunky. I really liked the section of the cinnamon sticky bun, and Storm’s faking of the poison. I like how that in some way foreshadows the smoking of the pipe and the poison there. I liked his general scene smoking and the description of how he lit the tobacco with his magic as well as how Taische cleaned up. However, the juggling show felt… odd to some extent and out of place. And the scene with the yo-yo in the fight seemed difficult to follow, but also the contradiction between the yo-yo display at the end from Storm’s post to Taische’s felt conflicting.

Persona: (9)

This, much like the communication, was something I thought was done well and also really enjoyed. I think this area in general as a strength for you both as the individuality of the characters, as well as the NPCs, was done quite well. The little boy who worked at the tailor’s, the tailor at the cart, the boys fighting Taische, Karuka, even the horse, all had their own persona.



Prose: (19)

Mechanics: (6)

For the most part you both were solid but it did feel as though there was a pass on the mechanics overall. I took screenshots on my phone while reading and have 16 pictures, and I did pass some over as well. I have touché instead of touch being used by Storm, I have “enjoyed”. Instead of “enjoyed.” I see a your instead of you’re. I see yoyo being used soon after yo-yo was used for lack of consistency. I see a capital where it shouldn’t be where it says “her uncle had already had Enough”. At one point the reference of “it was clear that his hanger had resonated with him” felt odd, as I thought there should have been a her rather than a him. Things like this stood out but weren’t major and given the size of the thread you did well overall.

Clarity: (7)

The thread was pretty clear and easy to follow less the contradictory comments/writing of one author going against what the other had previously said. The combat scene with the yo-yo was a bit tough to follow, but not terribly so, only because combat in general is difficult for me. I’m not sure you could have done much for me in that case.

Technique: (6)

As I usually mention, I’m not the best judge of technique. I did note some foreshadowing and the writing definitely had its own style. The use of formatting and italics and the introspectiveness was well done and believable, though it did get at time redundant on Storm’s end.



Wildcard: (8)

Overall this was an enjoyable thread and it certainly helped that it was different. There was a lot that happened in a single day but it did feel a bit odd for me at the end with Karuka ending the relationship after a month of seeing one another and a single day babysitting Taische. It felt almost unfair of her to task him with babysitting, not giving him any guidance, and then being disappointed when he tried to give her a fun day of exploration. And it’s already tough enough to date when with a kid, but to throw in a savant and then be let down when she does everything she can to make it hell for him, admits it as such, and still reject him? Maybe I’m being too critical. I would have appreciated more of an ending with her being more understanding and giving him a chance to do better rather than saying “you should go and come back when you have your shit together.” Seems judgemental for a month long relationship.


Total: 74

[Wings of Endymion]

Story: As Sir Artemis says, the nature of the thread was easy to pick up early on - "A Day with Uncle Storm" - and it was quite a refreshing read. I agree that there were some contradictions / conflicts in transitioning between Storm and Taische, but in many ways I found that they served to emphasise the differences between the two characters and were of interest in themselves. I don't think I noticed a scene where the plot itself changed between posts (the mood certainly might have!). The one thing I might say is that people quickly forget any conflict that occurs in Radasanth's central market, don't they! No watchmen on duty? Nobody recognising the troublemaker from earlier in the day?

The story itself felt slow but rich, until it picked up out of the blue for the span of a single post (post 17) to get rid of Clara and take Storm and Taische to the tailor. It then slowed back down to a gentle meander until post 30, when it probably got a bit too slow before Karuka showed to wrap things up.

With regards to the ending, I wonder whether you thought about depicting further reflection on Taische's part on the events of the day, beyond "Oh. Well... can we get a puppy?". Would she explicitly tell her mother about Clara? Equally, it would have been interesting to explore how visiting the market might begin to affect her in the longer term. That said, Karuka's appearance and reaction made for a powerful ending, and brought a sense of closure to the story for both Storm and Taische - good work there.


Background: Storm, your opening paragraph sets the scene beautifully - I love the use of scent and sound as well as surroundings. In particular, great usage of food porn to describe an entire culture by what they eat (or rather, perhaps, what their market food stalls sell). The little details really stand out ('These fabric merchants typically owned tailor-shops in town, but hoped to make smaller margins during low hours selling excess scraps to the self-made seamstresses about town.') and make it clear that you're thinking of the market as a living, breathing entity rather than just the backdrop for your tale. To nitpick, I would have appreciated just that extra little bit of fantasy to set your story on 'Althanas' rather than 'some vague Earth-like city': replace 'citrus fruit' with a named Coronian delicacy, for example, or weave some low-level magic into how the markets keep their customers cool and comfortable and thus spending. Unfortunately in the next paragraph, the use of the term 'French-cuffed' breaks immersion (although it does gain personality points for Storm).

This trend continues throughout the thread. The contrast between how Storm and Taische see the world around them always proves entertaining, bar the occasional immersion-breaking comment from Storm (i.e. 'Gods... oh no...'). I'd definitely have liked to see more originality / Althanas-icity in his cussing, both spoken and thought.

Overall, though, I felt that you did a great job of exploring the market throughout the thread and bringing it to life, from thoroughfare to alleyway, wine merchant to tailor. You populated it with a myriad cast of characters and places, and your use of small props - cobblestones, wheel nuts, yo-yo, pipe - allowed the characters to interact with it in interesting ways. Well done.


Characters: Who is Storm that he needs to think about disguises while walking through a crowd? This was the main question that I had after the first couple of paragraphs, and you left the question hanging until post 23. Even then you leave it ambiguous as to how he left his path of killing, robbing, drinking, and screwing to end up walking the markets with a little girl (although you do hint at the why very well, with your statement about 'his lone desire had once been fame'). I'm not saying that I would have liked his life history laid out on a plate before me, but I definitely would have appreciated a hint or two more throughout his interactions with Taische.

"Well, she’s going to have to thicken that street skin sometime. Better to rip the bandage straight away." <- a lot of the thread rides on this opening sentiment, at odds with the 'inclination to console her' from the previous paragraph and with a lot of his actions that follow. Why the faux tough love approach - would he have acted differently if Taische was his child? Throughout the thread you do a good job of presenting him as not quite knowing how to deal with her - he can't discipline her for her lack of manners, though he calls her a 'little shit' in his mind (!); he showers her with presents despite the fact that 'it was rare of him to give an authentic present to anyone' (why did you tell me this rather than show?); he loses his temper with her and then regrets it almost instantly; he panics again over losing sight of her and then picks a fight that he shouldn't have; and so on.

"He'd had to be Storm Fucking Veritas." <- Karuka's words, but I nodded when I saw them. You both did a good job of convincing me not only that this was why Storm had got Taische into trouble, but also why Karuka dumped him in the end. I think you wrote him well, to the point that I daresay many a reader will empathise with what Storm's going through. He has his baggage (don't we all...) and is struggling to deal with it, and the fact that his is heavier than most (through nobody's fault but his own) has caught up with him for now. I didn't like Storm, but I did like how you wrote him.

Taische - good job of writing from her point of view, striking a balance between wide-eyed wonder and insufferable world-weary know-it-all. Her second paragraph, where she talks about pushing boundaries, sets her tone of being remarkably self-aware for her age (backed by her noticing that Storm didn't believe her story, for example), but also a young kid. The end of her initial train of thought, where she asks 'was he the sort who would hit a child if he got too mad', hits quite hard. As does the way she unburdens herself of her story, even though Storm hasn't asked for it. And then she mistakes 'tropical' and 'topical' ^^. Her affinity for animals was well depicted - you took the time to show it in all its facets, not just tell it. Finally, the contrast in her respect for Storm and Karuka was well done - her mother obviously still has the ultimate say in what Taische thinks is right and wrong! 'Even without her magic, the daughter of Karuka O'Sheean knew how to fight.' <- a great line.

Karuka - her brief appearance at the end sealed the thread for me, although like Sir Artemis said her shadow hung over both Storm and Taische throughout. You feel for her strong-willed but fair-minded personality: she can understand Taische without even trying, and she puts her daughter first and foremost. You also made her actions quite memorable: the way she handled the situation when she realised that Taische had been injured, and how she sent Storm off to sort himself out before something worse happened, despite 'wanting to give him instruction, to teach him better'. Kudos also to Storm for accepting her decision gracefully and mostly as a gentleman.

A final round of props to the NPCs, each of whom you coloured just enough to stay interesting but not to overshadow the main characters. I loved the interaction between Storm and the tailor's apprentice in particular.


Technique: I note that you made little to no edits of your posts, so I'll try not to judge too harshly. I'd just like to say that one round of editing would have done wonders for this section, and possibly propelled the thread into JC territory for me. So too would the removal of the OOC notes from your opening post!

Storm, I'll focus on your opening paragraphs if I may. You painted a beautiful picture of setting and scent, but unfortunately you let me down somewhat with your technique. I feel that you could have continued the wheel analogy throughout the first paragraph (for example referring to spokes instead of 'stretched radially away'). I stumbled over a number of sentences due to: weak phrases ('which served as', 'seemed to be clustered in similar areas'); awkward structure; minor inconsistencies (should Center be capitalised or not?); spelling / word choice ('wrapt'); repeated use of passive actions ('As he strolled', 'As she closed'). Previously I mentioned the choice of 'French-cuffed' which broke immersion; now I'll add 'remaining ninety percent' as an example of an unnecessary phrase. The reader knows that Storm has only taken one bite out of the bread he's just bought. You could easily accuse me of nitpicking here, but I'm afraid I do notice these things ><. Minor niggles continue throughout thread, although to be fair I notice them less over time as you hit your stride.

Taische - perhaps your opening monologue felt a bit chunky? That said, the way you write her flows from thought to speech in a very natural and child-like manner, and you introduce more introspection in your later posts that does the trick. You also have a way of filtering your writing technique (primarily metaphors and similes) through Taische's eyes in a way that enhances her personality (for example: 'like a herd of gazelle after a crocodile's strike'). Neat trick of declaring the pronunciation of Taische's name, by the way, I appreciated that!

[Good for Nothing Captain]

Story: (22)

Storytelling: (5)

I thought that there were moments in the writing where the author's were, almost, fighting to assert the perspective of their characters versus the other's. I don't know if that was intentionally done to show that they just weren't seeing things the same way and was a source for the conflict and disagreement, but it did make things a little difficult to follow. It seemed, if the varying perspectives were unintentional, that the two writers didn't discuss or plan out how they would tell one story, together, as opposed to one story from different perspectives. Otherwise I really enjoyed the easy but engaging read. It was very enjoyable to take a peak into a day-in-the-life of an infamous veteran, and see him from the perspective of a innocent child.

Setting: (9)

I thought the setting was very well filled in. I never had a problem imagining the characters in the environment. I also loved that it was almost like looking at the same scene through the lenses of different colored glasses. Innocence versus cynicism; trust versus suspicion. Delicious food versus delicious smoke. Well done!

Pacing: (8)

I enjoyed the pacing. It didn't feel too long or too drawn out. It seemed like things had just enough time to settle (and the characters had some time for intro and retrospection), before they went wrong again. I also thought that, while there were a lot of posts for a single day's babysitting, it was still an easy and light read.



Character (24)

Communication: (7)

Like I mentioned before, there were times when I thought the voices of the writers conflicted. The characters did agree on things and their unique perspectives were good, but the direction from the writers to the readers seemed to conflict which threw me off a few times. The voices of the other characters in the story were unique and stood for themselves (or not at all for the voiceless or the faceless but appropriate in all cases). The ending scene was a big twist for me (I didn't get the impression that he did that bad of a job (maybe I'm just not a very good parent figure either)) and maybe there was more that could have been said about that.


Action: (9)

The action was well dispersed and well done. I don't think this thread called for an overabundance of action and I thought the little that was put into it was very appropriate. Even the parts of the story without any direct conflict (like the ringing of the bell and the juggling scene) had action, but it was within the lines of an average day (if you can manipulate magnetic forces or... juggle... poorly). And the final scene with Karuka seemed to be the most (emotionally) action packed and I actually felt an emotional reaction to a character I had only heard talked about and a relationship I never witnessed. Well done!

Persona: (8)

I thought the characters were very well voiced and developed. The NPC's never really grabbed my attention, but they didn't have to. Karuka and Storm (though the interaction was super brief) had a very different rapport than Storm and Taische and I enjoyed the difference. It was refreshing. I might have liked to see more defined NPC's, but it might have taken away from the story. I wished Clara stayed in the story.



Prose: (23)

Mechanics: (8)

I should mention I suck at mechanics. I noticed a few typos, which were a tiny bit distracting but the story was otherwise an easy and understandable read.

Clarity: (7)

The contradictions in the voices of the writers was the only thing that bothered me. Sometimes Storm would talk about a fierce look in Taische's eye, but her writer had just finished talking about how sad she was for the boys who tried to rob her. Storm would imply an enthusiasm or energy that Taische would then contrdict. But any time the writers weren't mentioning the other's character the story was on track and I never struggled keeping a clear image of the events in my mind.

Technique: (8)

I thought there were as much technique shown as could be. Loved Storm's internal dialogue. Literally laughed out loud when Taische said, "You breathe this? On purpose?" and during the scene with the handicapped girl Storm mistook for Taische.



Wildcard: (9)

I really enjoyed watching a man do his best to create a fun and rewarding day for a child; and then I like to stand back and watch it all burn to the ground around him, while the only good thing in his life is taken away, leaving him empty and alone with a soon-to-be-glue horse. I didn't see a lot of this thread coming, which is always a pleasant surprise. Well Done!

Total: 78

[Rayleigh]

This workshop is now closed! Rewards will be posted soon. Thank you to all participants.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop: Bringing Big Street to Little Country (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30751-Workshop-Bringing-Big-Street-to-Little-Country)

A 50% increase in experience, and additional GP rewards were given due to the length of the thread, and the quality of the commentary provided.

SirArtemis receives:
2565 EXP
100 GP
5 AP

Wings of Endymion receives:
2280 EXP
100 GP
5 AP

Good for Nothing Captain receives:
1345 EXP
100 GP
4 AP

Congratulations!

[Rayleigh]

All EXP, GP, and AP have been added.