Round 1: The God Mother's Children v Super Awesome Fun Time, Best Pals Go!

[Logan]

Round 1 pits The God Mother's Children (Dilah and Ridge) versus Super Awesome Fun Time, Best Pals Go! (Revenant and Hysteria), and will begin on Tuesday, March 15th at midnight EST.

[Hysteria]

By Yedda’s blue sky, I have a bad feeling about this…

The air was filled with the sweet smell of cotton candy and sizzling pork. Children ran this way and that, streaming incomprehensible sugar-fuelled babble from their mouths and snot from their noses. The sky was a brilliant blue, dotted with a few clouds to add to the dazzling sunlight. Yes, the fair was out in all its glory today. There were shouts of laughter, the jingle of coins swapping hands and more food that one would normally see in a week. This was the perfect place for a young family to come to escape the monotony of life, or even a young couple, seeking to capture the best out of the finest weather that the port city of Scara Brae could offer up.

It was perfect, but for Talen, it was too perfect. Dressed in this long dark cloak, the child-like Talen was already overheating. He was torn between taking it off and maintaining what little disguise he was able to get away with. The best he could do was walk with a twisted grimace on his face from one shady spot to another. If it wasn’t for his particular reason for coming to the fair today, Talen would have been first in line for the pork BBQ skewers dressed in his finest summer attire.

The reason that drew him to the fair, dressed in his auspicious cloak, was a personal one. Since the fall of the Ixian Knights and the disappearance of its leaders, the youth had little to do with his time other than get into trouble, or try and seek answers to his own history. It was the latter that caused his blue eyes to scan the crowds for a particular man, one rumoured to manipulate an unique dark energy that didn’t adhere to any of the major schools of magic throughout Althanas. What was more suspicious was that Talen hadn’t been able to find out much about the man, despite his contacts normally having at least a shred of information. For now, all he knew of the man was a rough description that scars adorned most of his body and that he seemed to be somewhere in Scara Brae. Given the popularity of the fair, and the lack of anything better to work on, this was the best Talen could do.

The youth plopped himself down on a free bench under a large oak tree. The leaves dappled the sunlight, but Talen was still hot. He pulled back the hood and let the cool air brush his loose black hair. He was frustrated by day three of his stakeout, be doggedly determined to continue. He eyed a kid run passed with a large ice-cream in one hand and a balloon in the other. It was a very primal spark of annoyance that rose in his stomach.

[Revenant]

“You know, the last time I was here was because Duffy needed my help to kill some giant, rampaging beast,” a familiar harsh voice snapped the shadowmancer from his reverie. “For the life of me, I don’t know how it managed to get loose in the center of Scara Brae. I never really thought to ask.”

Talen was on his feet in an instant, his body loose, fluid, and ready to strike. The boy had been a promising but inexperienced Ixian Captain the last time William had seen him. Now he radiated a sense of quiet competence and strength which made William believe Talen could almost face him in combat as an equal. It was impressive.

But then, William thought, Sei always seemed to have a knack for getting his subordinates to realize their potential. Just look at what he turned me into.

“Not here,” Talen warned in a voice far too dangerous to be coming from so young a body.

“You were always a smart kid,” William said, holding up a placating hand. “Do you think that all of this would stop me?” William jerked his head to indicate the crowd around them. “If I meant to kill you I would have just attacked you. And seeing as you haven’t attacked me, I’m going to assume you at least want to avoid as many civilian casualties as you can.”

An awkward air had stolen over the fairgoers who were near enough to hear the exchange. Wisely, most of them decided it was a good time of day to be anywhere but near the two cloaked strangers with the bad blood. William nodded approvingly as the space around them cleared a bit. He hadn’t been lying when he’d said the threat civilian deaths wouldn’t stop him. But despite that, William didn’t really want to have to deal with the mess a full scale fight would cause. Local heroes could get downright ugly when you started indiscriminately killing their people and he had more pressing matters to attend to.

“I’m honestly not here to fight you,” he said, once things had quieted back down. “Look.”

He held a folded piece of paper out to Talen. Something in Talen’s stance changed at the sight of it, albeit only slightly. Once he felt like an unprovoked attack was no longer imminent, William reached over and picked up his obsidian warscythe from where he’d left it leaning up against the back of the oak. It had been hidden so as not to appear threatening, but was still close enough at hand if the need for it had arose.

“Corporate contacts gave me a place to be, a time to be there, and told me I’d be paired up with someone when I got there. The rest is a mystery to me. Since I don’t see anyone else around that I recognize, I figure you’re it,” William said.

“So if, like you said, you really don’t want to throw down right now, why don’t we just have a bit of a discussion about just what the hell we’re doing here?”

[Hysteria]

Beneath leaves of the tree the bright sun was forced to peer through tiny shifting spots at Talen and William. The much smaller form of Talen took the note that was presented to him and turned it over in his fingers. His cold blue eyes studied it with forceful focus as memories came flittering back. The texture, the writing, even the slight musty smell was all identical to another piece of paper that had come into his possession many years ago. Just then then, the situation had been clouded by mystery and shadowy plots. Back then he and another member of the knights had attempted to find answers, but an attempt was all it had become. Whatever had happened last time seemed to be happening again. Perhaps this time the outcome would be different. After all, whatever had dragged the Revenant out into Scara Brae wasn’t going to just end so simply. The youth was brought out of his thoughts with a snap as a white raven descended through the tree and landed on Talen’s shoulder.

“Snacks can’t find the man I was told would be here,” said Talen simply referring to his pet. “Let’s suppose there was never any man here for me to find. Let’s suppose that I was brought here, to this spot to meet you.”

With the scythe in hand, William looked far more intimidating than the average fairgoer. However, even with the weapon the tension between the two former knights had lessened. The pair no longer emanated the dark aura they did moments ago. The few people that had eyed the pair warily before shifted back into their normal tasks.

“Are you hungry?” Asked Talen, breaking the topic suddenly, “When this fair comes together they have food stalls from all over Althanas. Besides, if this is what I think it is, we might want to enjoy a final meal before it starts…. Or perhaps it’s already started.”

[Ridge]

What would you do if you found out your daily activities were determined by another? Would you be angry? Would you try to deny and renounce the claim? What if you did not even know the identity of your puppet master? So many of us dance to the tune of a band that nobody even recognizes. We all find ourselves pawns in someone else's twisted game.

The smell of sweet foreign delicacies drifted across my nose and caused my mouth to water. This event, a 'fair' as it were deemed by those that spoke the common tongue, teased the senses with a mixture of food and body odor. The crowd was thick today and every step I made threatened to cause a collision with some city dweller or another. The breeze caressed my bare chest as I reached out in the crowd and touched the small shoulder of the clansmen that was supposed to stay with me.

"Ouch, Ridge!" Dilah's voice spoke out over the mundane talks of the Scara Brae folk, "not so rough, I was just looking!"

"Dilah, we are on a mission to find out what happened to the God Mother," I reminded the youth of our motives, "I think that coming here may have been a mistake. I can barely keep track of you in this crowd, let alone find someone as benevolent and gracious as God Mother." I quickly stepped to the side as a small child ran past me, his ball of stress and worry most would call a father behind him in a panic. I smiled at the scene and turned my head to the space Dilah once filled to find myself once again with my eyes upon an empty space.

"Ridge, over here!" Dilah shouted as she raised her hand in the air and waved me over, "I found a new game we could bring back to the village!"

My curiosity was piqued. I raised an eyebrow and walked over to Dilah, who stood in front of a hastily assembled booth. The man behind the booths counter wore a red vest and a small straw hat to keep the sun's rays out of his eyes. In his right hand, he held a cane that pointed at a stack of ten steel milk bottles. "Step right up sir," the man said with an accent that was decidedly not Scara Brae, from what I gathered of the country's people, "knock all the bottles down and win a prize!" The man's left hand held a small ball covered in animal hide and stitches, and he tossed the play thing up and down as if to taunt me.

I prepared myself to deny such a fools errand when my attention was diverted to the two arms that tugged at my arm. I looked down to see Dilah with a huge smile upon her face, as if I agreed to play the game. I tried to gaze away from the youngling, tried to stop myself and my words. I failed. "Alright, I will play."

"Fifty Gold Pieces for three balls!" The man said as I placed the money down at the same time he set down the toy in his hand. I quickly picked up the ball, tossed it twice in the air to try and determine it's weight, and threw the object with all my might towards the bottles. The ball slammed into the containers and bounced off. The top jug wobbled and fell off from the impact and while the others wiggled, there was no other sign they would budge.

"Wow, is that it Ridge?" Dilah said with what I could only think of as disappointment in her voice, "I thought you were much stronger than th--"

Before she could finish the sentence I threw the second ball, this time with a little extra 'oomph' of The Burden upon the object. The extra weight must have worked, for as the toy impacted the bottles, they exploded against the back of the wooden wall to both Dilah and the vendor's surprise. I smiled as I awaited my prize, yet could not help but notice the clear film around the planks that secured the bottom row of bottles. I looked back at the vendor, my eyes narrowed as though I were looking at tonight's dinner. "I want her prize and our money back. Now.



((Apologies for the delay gentlemen. A family emergency came up and rendered me unable to post. I am back now and hope I don't get punished too severely for the lateness. I still want to try and finish this! Also, bunnies are approved between myself and Dilah from this post on.))

[Dilah]

It was wonderous. The whole world seemed to be in the square. Heavenly scents filled the air as a soft wind pulled her in this direction or that. Laughter filled the air and it all just seemed so full of possibilities. The village had held at most fifty kids at a time, and from her limited memory, the one before had not been much larger even including the adults. There must have been hundreds bumping against one another as they hurried toward their next adventure.

A boy with a strange floating ball tied to a string rushed past. It was just the type of thing Dilah was looking for. Something new, something exciting, something different! She tried to follow him but was soon cut off by an elder gentlemen with a unkempt mustache and a disregard for proper hygiene.


"Wortch where yer goin kid." He grumbled as he brushed past without making eye contact.

Dilah brushed herself off and scanned the area, but the boy and his strange contraption were gone. She stomped her foot grumpily and turned back toward the game where she'd left Ridge. Except, at this point she wasn't quite sure where that game had been after all.

She truly did intend to seek him out, but something about the smell of sausage on a stick just wouldn't let her focus. Her stomach growled eagerly and the young lady follow its urges. She took her place in the line and pushed herself all the way up to her tiptoes to see over the shoulder of the nicely dressed man in front of her. Three others stood in the line, not counting the girl in the lovely dress that adorned the fine man's arm. Dilah lowered herself back to her heels and waited as patiently as she could. She ran her fingers through her tangled red curls, played with the torn hem on her cutoff shorts, hummed an old tune, and finally counted the strangers that passed by.

Finally it was her turn. The teen stepped up to the small booth. "I'd like one of those meat sticks, please."

The elderly lady who manned the window gave her a strange look, but turned to retrieve the treat. "That'll be twelve gold, ma'am."

Dilah frowned. She hadn't thought about the payment. Ridge had taken care of the money on the trip and honestly the girl didn't quite understand how it worked. The children had all showed up at the village with a bit in their pockets, but there was no need for it back home. Until this trip Dilah had never considered its necessity in the bigger world. "I'm so sorry, I haven't got any money."

The woman gave her a stern look before returning the item to the bin behind her. "Next person in line please!"


Dilah sighed and stepped out of line as she searched the area for a sign of Ridge. Perhaps he could buy her a meat stick. She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned, expecting to see him standing there with that look of disappointment he always seemed to have nowadays, but instead there stood a baby faced man with his arm held out. In his hand was the delicious smelling prize.

"I couldn't help but overhear. I couldn't let a lovely lady go hungry now could I?" His brown eyes sparkled in the sunlight. "Care for a cup of ale to wash it down? I know a pub nearby that isn't too grimey."

Dilah thought for a moment. Ridge might worry, but he wouldn't let her try ale. It seemed harmless enough. She would find him soon and all would be well after a heated 'discussion'. It would be a story to tell God Mother once she was found. She would laugh and stroke the girl's head while she listened. The young girl sighed. "All right."

[Revenant]

I was right, William thought excitedly, the boy knows something. He reached out, snatched the note from Talen’s hand, and unceremoniously shoved it back into a pocket. Someone way playing him, it was obvious now. William and Talen had been intended to find themselves reacquainted, and he would’ve bet everything that Talen’s reaction meant there’d be trouble because of it. Now, all that was left was to figure out who was pulling their strings and why.

Being the destructive sort that he was, William tended to hate everything. But the one thing he hated above all else was being a pawn in someone else’s game. It was a struggle not to simply grab the shadowmancer and shake him until explanations fell out, but he managed. That wasn’t the way to get answers, he knew, and would simply lead to more problems. Instead, he gestured at the closest group of street vendors to indicate that Talen should lead the way. The boy shrugged and started pushing through the crowd, making sure the odd bird on his shoulder kept one eye on William and the other on his gold pouch.

“Fallien spiced kebab sound good to you?” Talen asked, lining them up in a queue for the dripping skewers of meat. William grunted noncommittedly, but found his stomach grumbling as the scent of the foreign spices caught his attention. He’d spent the last several weeks living off of ship rations, and while passengers received decent fare, it was less enticing than the exotic flavors of the fair.

“So what do you know?” William grunted after a few moments.

“Not much,” Talen admitted. “I received a similar note a few years ago. When I followed its instructions I found myself paired up with someone else, just like you.”

“Paired up for what?” William asked. There was a commotion in front of them at the head of the line and William and Talen stepped forward.

“Vagabonds,” the vendor spat at them before Talen could respond. William frowned at her, feeling a surge of frustration that his answers were once again being delayed. “Just cause it’s fair time don’t mean I’m just giving my kebabs away.”

Talen had shifted gears and was talking with the woman, ordering them something and producing a handful of coins to ease her wrath, but William didn’t hear any of it. His attention had slipped as he’d followed the vendor’s gaze and caught sight of the young woman slinking away from the cart. There was something about the girl that tickled at the back of William’s mind, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was.

Suddenly, William’s hands were filled with a warm, wet mass and for a moment the revenant thought that he’d shifted into his war form and stabbed someone, but then the smell of spiced cause filled his nostrils. He looked down to see two large kebabs dripping sauce over his hands.

“What’s wrong?” Talen asked, following William’s gaze to the young woman. A slick young man with a grin like a hunting cat was now talking to her, generously offering the broke young woman his company. “Do you know her?”

“No,” William admitted, though the tickling sensation at the back of his mind continued.

[Hysteria]

Talen turned his gaze bak to William with a raised eye brow. The much taller man had been pulled into something Talen hadn’t thought about in a long time, and now the boy and the man would likely face something neither of them expected, nor understood. Talen’s eyes snapped back to the girl as Snacks lifted off his shoulder and took flight. The unique bond between Talen and Snacks connect him with everything around his pet. The girl, the strange little man she was talking with, everything was conveyed back to Talen. It wasn’t the girl that caught Talen’s attention so much, it was the strange man that was a short distance away that seemed to be looking for her.

“The plot thickens,” said Talen with a wiry grin, “Back me up.”

Without another word Talen disappeared. The youth travelled the distance between himself and the girl in an instant, appeared in a blink of an eye in front of her with the same grin as when he had disappeared. The sudden shift happened before the girl could be lured off with the strange short man. The youth’s hand snapped out and cracked the baby-faced man on the neck and he fell crumpled on the ground. Two other men nearby suddenly took off the moment their colleague hit the ground. The bait and grab… silly girl. Talen’s eyes followed them for a moment, but he decided to leave them be for the moment. He turned his eyes back to the girl, looking up into her young face.

“I haven’t had the best luck with redheads in the past, but I’m a betting kind’a kid. I’ll bet that you’ll be much more accommodating for a few questions,” he said.

Talen paused to take a bite of his kebab that had been safely held in his off hand while striking the would be kidnapper.

“Sh’pose y’ur friend be come’n?” spat the youth through loose bits of meat.

He referenced the larger man nearby that she had been travelling with. Both the girl and man seemed far from home, and Talen hoped they would be able to shed some light on the mysterious note.

“It always seems to be the same pattern,” said Talen, “two pairs of people meet in strange circumstances, and only one pair gets any closer to the secret at the end of the maze.”

The crowd hadn’t taken too much notice of what Talen had done. There had been no overt violence, at least not enough to shake the people of Scara Brae. Throw in a few more broken tables, a drunk orc and pissed off vine-woman and then you’d have something to write home about.

[Ridge]

What if I told you that everybody lies about something? It could be as minuscule as the denial of an eaten cookie or huge enough to start wars. What if someone close to you held such secrets under the pretense of 'protection' that the very pain they sought to keep you from? The entire world lied, that was the simple truth of the matter. Nobody is ever safe from the wrath of dishonesty.

The snake of a game master no longer drew my attention, as a simple turn of my head revealed Dilah no longer by my side. I quickly turned my head to the left and right to make sure I simply did not overlook the lass only to find that the girl was indeed no longer in my presence. I cupped my hands around my mouth and took in a deep breath of food flavored air.

"DILAH!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. The boom in my voice overpowered the jovial festivities of the fair and caused many a head to turn in my direction. My posture slouched as I tried to become level with the smaller townsfolk. I kept an ear out in hopes that I would hear my companions soft but distinct voice in the crowd, a silent prayer said on the off chance that her accent would give her away. The familiar sound of a body as it slammed forcefully upon the ground quickly caught my attention, and I quickly directed my attention towards the ruckus.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that Dilah was unharmed. She stood with a child, a small lad who seemed to be unfazed by the still form of the grown man before him. My mind wondered if Dilah was forced to use her magic to almost drown the mysterious figure at her feet, or if there was something more sinister afoot. My eyes darted between the child and my tribesman for a few seconds. God Mother once told me of people who appeared to be more than what their physical attributes would lead one to believe. I bit the inside of my lip as I lowered myself to nearly the childs level.

The eyes of the little one appeared to be dead, the mark of someone who saw one too many tragedies in their life, or perhaps experienced them first hand. As I knelt there, I did not even notice the group of ruffians behind me that called the knocked out man their friend approach us slowly. If I paid better attention, I would have realized that their hands slowly reached for their weapons as they crept towards the three of us.

"Is there something the matter here," the question was aimed at neither person in particular. I figured if the child were indeed deceiving me, he would let his intentions be known rather quickly. It was better to be lied to and hurt than to not allow one the opportunity to reveal their true nature. After all, I of all people knew that we all held secrets, we all held lies.

[Dilah]

Dilah looked at her guardian with a somewhat tilted head. Ever since the two tribesmen left their village, the elder of the two seemed much more protective of the girl than he ever was in the past. The girl opened her mouth as if to speak up for herself when a small light flashed into her eyes. Dilah quickly closed her eyes and shook her head before she regained her composure and saw the source of her temporary blindness; the reflection of the suns rays upon a metal knife.

The owner of the weapon was an inconspicuous man of average height and slim build. When he smiled, the two front teeth were strangely gone, and the mop top of auburn hair did a good job to conceal his viper green eyes. Beside him were two more men of black and blonde hair color. To his right a blonde gentleman about the size of a teenager with a more chubby frame with a crooked round nose. The final stranger was a raven haired tall fellow with brown eyes and three strange blades attached to his left hand. The approach of the trio worried Dilah, and so she acted on instinct.

In an instant the world slowed down much like it does when someone is faced with their death. The woman's hands reached out to grab both Ridge and the kid before they were put in more danger, as well as turn them around. The effects of Tiny Dancer only lasted for a few moments so Dilah knew she had to make the most of the precious time she had. She turned her partner towards the sneaky threats before them as time quickly returned to normal.

The very second Ridge realized what happened, the older warrior sprang into action. In an instant, a black swirled mass was thrown by the elder into the chest of the toothless man. As the stranger began his next step, his body failed upon itself and he slammed hard into the ground. Ridge did not hesitate as he threw his arm out and grabbed a glass of water from one of the unaware passer-byes and slung the iced contents towards the second man. "Dilah!" the deep voice man shouted.

In an instant, the airborne water became a solid block of pure ice. The object flew threw the air and slammed into the face of the smaller threat before the third man of the group could even see what happened to the first. Dilah looked to her friend as if to ask what they should do next. "Get out of here," Ridge replied without ever looking behind him, "take the boy with you!"

Dilah nodded and looked to the child in strange clothes. "Let's go!"

[Revenant]

William rolled his eyes at the scene unfolding before him and bit a hunk of meat from one of his kebabs. The sauce was light and fiery, something to really grab an unsuspecting consumer’s tongue in a vice. It was unfortunate that more people weren’t going to be able to sample this particular delicacy. Chewing thoughtfully, William let his eyes wander back to the action.

So it’s going to be like that, is it?

While Talen’s initial take down had drawn a couple of interested eyes, it had largely been ignored by the larger crowd. And who could blame them? He wouldn’t have been the first stumbling drunk to take a fall in the middle of the fair. But instead of taking their failure with good graces, the idiots had drawn steel in the middle of the crowd. There were a lot of weapons being carried around, it was Scara Brae City after all, but most of the people at the fair were simple unarmed civilians.

“Aw, hell,” the old kebab saleswoman muttered as she quickly closed her money box and started stuffing her wares inside her cart. All around them people were starting to push and shove to get away from the melee, and there was more than one call for the city watch.

And then, as if the naked steel wasn’t enough to start a panic, the young girl and her accomplice started flinging magic into the mix. William frowned at the display. These two might have some skill, but they didn’t seem to be on the same level as either Talen or himself. Just what sort of information did Talen thing that he could get from these two? William pondered the idea of simply killing everyone present ad moving on with his life, but shoved the instinct down. He’d never get any answers that way. Instead, he did as Talen had asked and provided backup.

The remaining kebab whipped out with incredible speed as William threw it into the face of the final thug. Hot meat slammed into the man’s face with the force of a heavy slap and he reeled as his face was coated in spicy sauce. A horrid shriek filled the air as the raven haired man fell to his knees, wiping ineffectually at the spices burning his eyes. William was impressed that the man managed not to flay his own scalp with his bladed gauntlet as he flailed, though it would have pleased him to see that.

Nodding at his own handiwork, William pulled his cloak tightly around him and slipped into the churning crowd, watching Talen for the next move.

[Hysteria]

Things didn’t quite go as Talen had expected. Then again, they rarely did. The youth let his arm be taken by the girl as a bemused smile slipped onto his face unwillingly. It was a kindness that Talen had not experienced in some time. He was either a monster, or some street kid not worth two dimes. It was so much… so much like her.

“Dammit…” muttered the dark haired child.

Talen’s eyes returned back to their cold, dead blue. He had managed to forget, even for just a second what had happened. The memories of the lion-hearted Ixian knight came flooding back in full force in a far more abrupt way than he had expected. This situation was bringing back memories, and painful ones at that. For now, he’d find solace against the would-be ruffians.

“Yeaaaarg!” screamed the clawed man as Talen brought his boot down hard on his clawed hand and cracked more than few bones.

“What do you know of the golden tower? Of the lighthouse and the secret island?” said Talen, with soft words with an undeniably heavy edge.

The man continued to squirm on the ground, his free hand moving from his trapped limb to his burning face. Talen’s face hardened, and his anger took over. His arm lifted into the air and pointed a palm to the sky. Darkness bloomed into a swirling mass until his hand dropped. A fist, the size of the pinned man dropped onto his body with a sickening squelch and crack. The pavement under him cracked and broke with the force as man and ground became closely acquainted. The giant black fist twisted away into nothing, leaving just the broken man and cracked stone.

Things were not quite what they seemed, as the man’s broken body twisted up and latched onto Talen’s leg. The youth found himself flying through the air, collected the ground with a thump and rolling several more feet. The broken body of the clawed man pushed itself up into a standing position. The man’s skin was twisted around exposed pieces of metal. Each twisting movement seemed pulled by invisible strings as he staggered forwards. The man’s companions seemed suddenly triggered by the events of their other being revealed. Semblance of humanity dropped leaving the twitching and fast moments of automata.

Talen started laughing as he pushed himself to his feet. He was sporting a large cut down his forehead, and his movements were clearly groggy from the impact.

“It’s all lies…” he said, pointing at the two tribal-kin, “whatever quest you two think you’re on, it’s all lies. This story, is being run by someone else. Someone who takes away what you love as soon as they’d dish it out.”

Talen straightened as the wound in his head closed, leaving only the trail of blood down his face. The baby-faced man he had downed before the chaos had erupted pushed himself to his feet with the same jerky movements of the others. It seemed destiny, pitching four automata against the four searchers.

“But I’ll kill whatever they send against me. I’ll not be controlled again.”

[Logan]

Revenant
Plot 15/30
Story - 4/10
There are elements to the building of a story here, but unfortunately that is really as far as it goes. The story falls flat, but this can be obviously attributed to the rushed nature of the final few posts, and the lack of a true conclusion. I appreciated the backstory in the early posts, and how it wove itself through the second set.
Setting - 6/10
There was a setting, and without it this chance meeting of the competitors would have never taken place. In that regard, I applaud you. Usually, in rushed threads like these the setting tends to go unutilized or becomes just a backdrop. At the very least, you incorporated it, and I assume with more time or more posts could have fleshed it out far more.
Pacing - 5/10
The pacing of the thread felt right on with what I’d expect, but obviously without a conclusion it suffers. The action rose and then just sort of died as quickly as it began, especially with the whole spicy sauce to the thug’s face bit. Just like the previous two, I’m certain a solid conclusion would’ve done wonders for this thread.

Character 18/30
Communication - 7/10
The dialogue between all parties felt natural and as close to character as I would expect, but this is especially true of William. As you’ll note in how I read William’s first set of dialogue, he read like a gruff veteran of combat, and it came out in how I read his voice - which I will add was entirely natural feeling. Again, I’d need a conclusion with some extra William commander speech to really seal this one, but well done here.
Action - 5/10
Far too little, far too late. The thread doesn’t really pick up until the kebab stand, and then it just ends right after that. I gave you an extra point here for the spicy sauce kebab maneuver. Clever trick that.
Persona - 6/10
I get William’s character. I especially get it in the early post, but then it does sort of fall a bit flat. He still sort of commands things, but in time it seems like Talen kind of becomes the de facto conductor of the team. For one reason or another, the team feels more natural with William at the helm and directing/guiding Talen around. It felt, at the end, their team is more like Talen is Lassie and William is the little boy going “what is it boy? Timmy fell down the well?”

Prose 18/30
Mechanics - 7/10
There were mechanical errors, but they were few and far between. A typo here, an oddly formed sentence there, but nothing that overall detracted from the thread. Well done.
Clarity - 5/10
Again, this thread suffers from a lack of a solid conclusion, and really the more I’ve read over it, it needs a truly longer and more in-depth middle. Everything sets up nicely for a fun little time, and then it just sort of ends. This is like the roller coaster reaching the apex of the first hill, and then never going over the top.
Technique - 6/10
What technique you did use, you used well enough. That is as far as the technique goes, though, which is why the score is what it is. Your posts read like a young adult novel, which is neither bad nor good, and in turn provide a decent flow and read. Still, I’d like to see just a bit more literary technique thrown in here and there, but overall it was fine.

Wildcard 10/10
In this tournament, I am using the wildcard score as a means to offer tangible bonus to those who post within the first 24 hours of an opponent. This is to encourage all participants to post quickly to hopefully see more completed threads. While this one did not reach that mark, it was certainly not your fault. Good job!

Total 61/100


Hysteria
Plot 15/30
Story 5/10
This thread just sort of happens. There is backstory early on, and I could see you trying to tie it in via the whole “secret at the end of the maze” bit. The problem is, much as I described for Rev above, it just falls entirely too flat. I need more than a build up with no payoff.
Setting 6/10
As I noted with Rev above, this thread could not have taken place anywhere else. It necessitated use of the kebab vendor, and the fair itself. Still, though, it needed a lot more to really deliver on use of the setting, and instead just incorporated it enough to make the setting more like backdrop to a performance than an actual setting.
Pacing 4/10
Your score was hurt here by the sudden dispatch of the would-be kidnapper, and as noted below it felt forced and far too jarring for comfort. The thread still flowed relatively well, but the lack of a middle or conclusion really hurt all of you here.

Character 13/30
Communication 5/10
Talen’s dialogue shifts between a still green soldier to a headstrong, borderline obnoxiously cocky teenager, and in theory this is as intended. However, the final dialogue of your second post just didn’t seem to fit his discussion only moments before. Perhaps it was just how I read it in particular, but it didn’t mesh and it hurt you.
Action 4/10
Talen’s karate chop move to disable the would-be kidnapper held no validity for me as a reader. He may as well be the Flash given both his insane speed and near perfect strike. The lack of anyone, other than the poor sod’s friends, noticing also lent to a moment that felt uncomfortable to the reader, and entirely too forced. The thread needed more action, and the most offered in your posts was this singular moment, really, thus the heavier point deduction.
Persona 4/10
In Communication above, I took note of the dialogue shift for Talen, and it plays into the lower score here as well. It just felt so unnatural and so out of place, even for a teenager with Attention Deficit Disorder, that I couldn’t ignore it. Further, “Back me up” is so overly cliche, and for one as talented as yourself I certainly expected more. Still, it wasn’t all that bad, and I absolutely loved the introductory thought line “By Yedda’s blue sky”.

Prose 18/30
Mechanics 6/10
There were a few notable spots where a word choice leaves the reader confused. Particularly of note in your first post - “more food that one would normally see in a week.” Proper use is more than. I figure this was just a typo. Another noteworthy mechanics flaw - “He was frustrated by day three of his stakeout, be doggedly determined to continue.” Proper use would be “, but doggedly determined to continue.” There are very minor mistakes, and thus nothing too heavy on point deductions.
Clarity 4/10
There were a few clarity issues, and most of them are just due to odd sentence structure or a strange choice of wordings. In your second post, “Just then then, the situation had been clouded by mystery and shadowy plots,” leaves the reader with an uncomfortable pause, and doesn’t really make sense upon first reading. The most egregious, however, is when Talen takes a bite of the kebab and speaks with a mouthful of food. His next dialogue, only moments later, he speaks perfectly. Did he swallow the food? Did he spit it out? It leaves the reader a bit unclear, and is a bit on the jarring side.
Technique 8/10
Your use of alliteration intertwined poetically with the rest of your writing in this thread. In the first post, “sweet smell of cotton candy”, is so eloquently woven into the introduction and really does well to set the scene. Further in your second post, “forceful focus” is used and again it doesn’t detract from the reading, but enhances it quite a bit. I’ve seen other writers try this technique, and they use it so much it becomes forced and unnatural. You never reached that point in your technique and it showed. Very well done.

Wildcard 8/10
As noted in Rev’s Wildcard above, this tournament is using wildcard to help incentivize quicker posting. Your first and second posts were fine on the time limit, and your third was just outside the 48 hours. For every 24 hours a post is delayed following an opponent’s post, a wildcard point will be deducted. It didn’t hurt you here, but it will be worth keeping in mind going forward.

Total 54/100



Ridge
Plot 13/30
Story - 4/10
Admittedly, I am intrigued by the whole God Mother shitck, but beyond that there was very little in the way of story. I like the concept of Ridge and hope you’ll stick around beyond this tournament. The story and pacing really were hurt most by the lack of a true middle and conclusion. Read my comments to both Hysteria and Revenant on this above.
Setting - 5/10
Your early inclusion of the carny style booth worked quite well, however, it just sort of ended due to the way your opponents didn’t really play with it. Beyond that, there isn’t much setting to point to. The story needed more use of the setting, but the rushed nature of tournament threads really hurt all of you here.
Pacing - 4/10
So there is a beginning and...welp, that’s about it really. The story just kind of takes place, and the pace is far, far too hurried. Then it just dies abruptly. I do attribute this entirely to the nature of the thread, but two weeks should reasonably be enough time to finish a full thread. More thought into how to tie elements together to form a reasonable conclusion would’ve helped you tremendously here.

Character 18/30
Communication - 6/10
Ridge as a character is interesting enough to hold the reader, and his dialogue feels natural for the most part. Ultimately, being a newcomer, one of the toughest things to nail out of the gate is dialogue for a new character. Eventually, you’ll find a good sense of who Ridge is, and he won’t feel quite so Brock from Pokemon-esque.
Action - 6/10
I gave you credit for Brock, I mean Ridge, ducking down a bit within the crowd when trying to keep a low profile and simultaneously find Dilah. Much like for Revenant and Hysteria, however, this thread needed more. A lack of a conclusion is just hard to overlook in this one.
Persona - 6/10
While I do keep making the joke about Ridge feeling a lot like Brock from Pokemon, but it is the archetype he most resembles, for good reason I assume. With time and some character development, he can become his own flavor of Brock, and hold some real depth. I absolutely love his sense of duty to protect Dilah, and it certainly won you a point or two here.

Prose 18/30
Mechanics - 7/10
I give you credit, while even though you were clearly rushed in trying to get out what posts you did, you still managed to maintain solid Mechanics. There were no glaring typoes or spelling mistakes, and nothing I found that really caused confusion while reading. Kudos. This is only made higher with a conclusion and middle.
Clarity - 4/10
The intro paragraphs for each post were jarring and uncomfortable. They totally removed the reader from the flow of the thread, and it was an unfortunate thing. Those deep thinking moments are best used as internal monologues or internal thoughts, and not as narrative to open a scene, especially in the midst of the actual story.
Technique - 7/10
The techniques you used were done well enough, but much like Revenant above you just didn’t go above and beyond what I would expect a middle schooler to offer. This isn’t a knock on your writing ability, but just a point of contention. For some readers, the best writing will never reach higher than a 6 or 7 in Technique, as use of it become too much and destroy clarity. It takes a fine balance, and I said I noted above the bits you did use worked fine.

Wildcard - 5/10
See comments to Revenant and Hysteria on how Wildcard is working for this tournament. The big delay really hurt you here.

Total - 54/100

Dilah
Plot 14/30
Story - 4/10
Much like for everyone else above, the story fell flat due to the rise of intensity and then the sudden slamming of the brakes. The backstory of the God Mother plays less for Dilah, but you interwove it gently. I’m hoping to get to read more of Dilah in the coming months.
Setting - 6/10
Your utilization of the setting is admirable. From the kebab vendor to the passerby’s glass of water, you wonderfully wove various tidbits of the scene into your posts. Never did it feel forced, but instead felt very natural and comfortable. Much like with Revenant above, I gave you a bonus point for your execution here.
Pacing - 4/10
I know I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but the lack of a middle or conclusion to this thread is very difficult to overlook. It absolutely destroyed any pacing you four were building to, and it left me as the reader feeling kind of empty. This thread needed more time, and I have no doubt with more it could’ve been much, much better.

Character 19/30
Communication - 6/10
You have a good grasp of who you want Dilah to be, and it shows in how you write her. Her dialogue, and the bits of Ridge’s you did, felt quite natural. Even her body language was right on with what I’d expect from a teenager. My major gripe here is there wasn’t enough dialogue, especially from Dilah, and much like everything else it would’ve been better with more time.
Action - 6/10
While the lack of a conclusion certainly hurt, I wanted to commend you on the excellent use of abilities within the confines of the thread. Your ability to interweave these supernatural movements into such a natural setting, and to do so without breaking any of the various “walls” for a reader, is something you should be extremely proud to have executed so well. Please keep writing on Althanas, I love your style!
Persona - 7/10
Dilah, much like Ridge above, needs more time. While she doesn’t feel as much Misty from Pokemon as Ridge felt like Brock, there’s still some of that same vibe. The difference is as much as Ridge feels like Brock, there is enough separation from Misty and Dilah that it actually feels like a different character. I think a lot of that comes from the use of Tiny Dancer within the thread. I would imagine with more time Dilah can become quite the character, and will be delighting readers for ages.

Prose 18/30
Mechanics - 7/10
All four of you were talented enough writers that the few very minor errors in the thread did not jar the reader too overly much. Your execution was well done, and much like with Ridge’s comments even though you were clearly rushed your capability to maintain quality mechanics is reassuring. Keep it up!
Clarity - 5/10
The lack of a conclusion, again, hurt you here. I found myself at times a bit attached to seeing what happened next, and knowing it was over so quickly made me quite sad as a reader. With this note aside, your writing flows nicely and doesn’t hurt you. With more time, you would’ve scored significantly higher here.
Technique - 6/10
While you didn’t throw in anything obnoxiously highbrow, you did manage to maintain a comfortable technique. Nothing was gaudy or overdone, and all of your posts were well-written as noted in Mechanics. Still, the lack of a conclusion hurts you here.

Wildcard - 3/10
See comments to Revenant and Hysteria on how Wildcard is figured up for this tournament, and please understand this is in no way a reflection of your writing or character. It is simply a means to reward those who post quickly, and to help mitigate delays as much as possible.

Total - 54/100

Winners - Super Awesome Fun Time, Best Pals Go!

Revenant receives 3300 EXP and 50 GP
Hysteria receives 3750 EXP and 40 GP

Ridge receives 1050 EXP and 25 GP
Dilah receives 1050 EXP and 25 GP


Special Note: Congratulations are certainly due to Rev and Hyst, but I want to commend the work Dilah and Ridge did in such a short timeframe. I would have loved for this thread to have a more solid conclusion, and obviously, more time. Due to the nature of tournaments, however, a deadline is necessary. Thank you for participating, and just know I'll be watching all of your stories unfold.

[Logan]

All EXP and GP added!