Workshop: I Nocturne: Flame Blossoming Like Balsam Petals

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Name of Completed Thread: I Nocturne: Flame Blossoming Like Balsam Petals (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30868-I-Nocturne-Flame-Blossoming-Like-Balsam-Petals)
Name of Authors: Wings of Endymion
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 10 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: April 16th 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Fill yer boots.

[SirArtemis]

Plot

The underlying story here was really, really wonderful. There was certainly plenty of history left out, but just enough information given for me to be able to deduce a foundation upon which this story goes. The pacing suffered at times and I will touch on that more in prose, but your understanding of Althanas and its history as well shows in your writing. I have no idea what much of it is, but I can tell you did your research and the passing references I do get show a character that truly and fully lives in Althanas, and isn't just a character plastered into this world. I think you have a very elegant narrative and have a pretty solid ability to paint a vivid picture. My qualms will come later.

I will say that my biggest issues were the first post and the ending. Maybe that's a bigger issue than I'm giving it credit because I'm still not sure how exactly the ending happened as it did and why, and how exactly this realization of being manipulated into doing this makes sense. Why exactly did they want her to do this and get him as a spirit? Was that really planned that in depth? I'm at a bit of a loss.


Character

I really enjoyed learning about Kayu as a character and the few voices scattered throughout the story all had a unique voice and persona. I enjoyed the monologues of Angelus, though I found myself wondering how much of that was data dumping, which I have been advised against. I also found myself lacking information that I wanted on Tsuru and Kratos, as they seemed very minor supporting characters in this that are important in the bigger picture. This is always the struggle with writing threads that are not in the place of an entire book that I can read all at once. All the same, I think this too is a place you have a lot of strength in. There was a moment early on that confused me:

"Her mind froze, as white as the sheets of ice encasing the rock crags."

Her mind became white? Or her mind froze? If it froze, why would it freeze white? That just makes me confused. Her mind maybe blanked white? But if it's freezing like something, it's not freezing like a color.


Prose

I think you have a tremendous talent in writing and an ability to be exceptionally vivid and eloquent in your writing. But quite frankly, this is where I had some beef with you so to speak. Your mechanics are fine, though not immaculate (close enough). Your technique seems pretty robust as well, but your clarity drops for me a good bit. And this ties back into the story bit. I felt like at points you try too hard. It gets to the point where I felt like, particularly in the first post, I was wading through a marsh of language. Especially early on in the story, I wanted to build momentum and desire to read the story but instead I was hit with what felt like a lot of words I didn't know (perhaps my own fault for being ignorant) and a degree of description that felt like I had to machete my way through thick jungle brush. You don't have to do so much. You have a wonderful story and a wonderful way of telling it, but the voice of the narrator bogs it down at times and that not only affects clarity and pace, but it affects reader's engagement/investment. If I feel too stupid to read your writing, I won't; does that make sense? Not everything needs an advanced adjective to emphasize the point. I'm sure there are simpler words out that. Sure, sometimes you want something super particular, but how often?

Examples of my ignorant self include: scree, acrid, obfuscating, zephyr, capricious, cloying, wan, undulating, knoll.

These were all from going back and skimming the first post, and though I can deduce meaning from some of them, I felt disconnected when I read them. Maybe someone else would scoff at this comment of mine and say "then you should read more," but quite frankly, fighting through words I don't know in such volume in the first post of a thread could be really demoralizing. And strangely, you weren't guilty of this throughout the whole thread. The first post was the biggest offender, and then there were only a few stray moments throughout the thread. It's almost like you went overboard in the first post trying to make the ultimate beginning, and instead it ended up over the top and lost me.


Wild Card

I admit I enjoyed the work and this was my first time reading a full thread of yours. I can deduce you're probably British or something thereof. And there were some spelling variations that I wasn't sure were wrong or just different. And you have a legendary status as a writer. You clearly have tremendous ability. I just wonder if sometimes you're a victim of your own standards and go a bit overboard in presentation/expectation. A good piece of writing isn't defined by the density of it. Quite the opposite in my opinion. Making a piece vivid while still accessible is something I aspire to. I think you can make it far more vivid than I with a tremendous use of language that gives life to your work. But be wary of your tendency to overdo it. Again, not everything need be so descriptive. Sometimes you can step back from bringing life to everything and let some of the bits be bland and transitional. Again, just my view. Hope you found this helpful. PM me with any questions.

[Storm Veritas]

I really enjoyed reading this, as I don't think our writing styles could possibly be more different. With that said, I find your writing both beautiful and fascinating.

First, there is an obviously professional polish on your work. My limited language abilities found the grammar, spelling, and formatting flawless, so any criticisms are purely driven by personal taste rather than observation of clear flaws.

Your writing is incredibly immersive, a really valuable tool that allows the reader to fall deep into the stories. Conversely, following the trials and tribulations of Kayu and Angelus was very difficult for me at times, because the references were EXTREMELY layered. I felt like I should have printed out an official canon for reference to square up everything at times. I'd consider this with a grain of salt. On one hand, if you look to eventually create full-length novels, you clearly have the ability to pull the reader deep into your own universe, like many prolific (and profitable!) fantasy writers. On the other hand, the level of immersion is a barrier to entry for casual readers, since you need to really commit yourself to understanding the universe at large to digest the story.

The second element I'd look to as a component to consider is what I'd call "fantasy extremism". I've never read anyone here who can paint a picture more beautifully than you, however you occasionally toe or perhaps cross the line into "thesaurus porn". Your vocabulary is SO immense that it broke continuity for me a few times, since I literally had to stop to look up a few words in order to make sure I didn't miss anything. The exchange where Kayu meets Angelus again with his two whores really stood out as an example here. Generally you do a good job of alternating very obscure word choices with grounded analogies and using effective metaphor, but there are occasions where it gets a little thick.

You've mentioned it on podcasts before, but GOOD LORD at post length. I'd consider this a thirty post thread that was presented to the reader in ten chapters. For me, it makes it harder to read you because I need to devote such a significant amount of time to each post. Shorter posts would allow the reader to more easily take bites of this beautiful work.

The only surprising decision I saw here, literally the ONLY thing that stood out as questionable was the lack of response to Kayu crashing through the inn roof. I'm not sure if I missed why the two (presumably) normal prostitutes weren't shocked/scared by this, but it seemed like they were just super relaxed with someone randomly landing a few feet from them. I may have missed something - perhaps they were high/drunk?

Overall, your writing is absolutely spectacular. I'd like it to be a little easier to digest, although I'd understand if you don't want to dumb it down for the plebeian class. ;)

[Good for Nothing Captain]

Story: (23)

Storytelling: (7)

Very well done. Even though we were brought into the story in the middle of events, I never felt a sense of loss or confusion. All relevant details were given to provide a full understand of the circumstances (except maybe the avalanche and why they were atop the snowy mountain to begin with, but in the long run, that didn't really take away from the story). You took me from point b to the end marvelously, and I was excited to read more with every climatic conclusion. Possibly because the story took place immediately after the end of another (if that's the case), I felt like maybe the there wasn't enough story (or maybe I just crave more).

Setting: (9)
As with just about everything else you did, the description you put into the world Kayu found herself in was poetic and beautiful and flawlessly detailed. Well done!

Pacing: (7)

The pacing was good, but I felt like the story was all climax. The story was short, and maybe that didn't give much time for exposition , but the feeling that I was dropped in the middle of the end of the story which, as awesome as it was, left a little more to be desired.



Character (26)

Communication: (8)

The communication was well done. Between characters and between the author and the reader, I never felt confused or mislead.


Action: (9)

So good. From the drop off the mountain and the seemingly certain death which awaited bellow, to the all but certain death which followed Kayu through the thread, I sat on the edge of my seat hoping she'd be safe. Well done!

Persona: (9)

All the characters were immaculately voiced and refined. I loved the way they interacted with each other and I kinda loved all of them, even the ones I should hate.



Prose: (25)

Mechanics: (8)

I should mention I suck at mechanics. I noticed a few typos, which were a tiny bit distracting but the story was otherwise an easy and understandable read. Honestly, they might not have even been typos or misspellings, but at some points I had to pause and go, "huh?"

Clarity: (8)

The very first post had my imagery a little muddled, but otherwise I did not have a problem following the story at all.

Technique: (9)

Beautiful. I loved reading this thread. I was excited to read every well strung word, and every flowing prose. Well done!



Wildcard: (8)

Really cool story with vivid imagery and great action. If I had a little bit of a better idea of what was going on, I probably would have given a higher score here, because I felt I was missing some exceedingly awesome stuff.

Total: 82

[Kryos]

Good evening, Wings. Let me start off by saying that this is going to be a shorter workshop with just the things that popped out most at me. Going through post by post, here we go:

Post 1:
I loved the simile here: “Never once disturbing the curtains of obfuscating cloud, it coiled around her like the living incarnation of a spring zephyr.” Yeah, kudos there.

Post 2:
“Drenched from head to toe by her journey through cloud and mist, the breeze that stirred her layered robes tickled a sneeze from her lungs.”

I really appreciated how you constantly keep setting in mind. Namely, that after Kayu had flown through some clouds in the tundra, she would be soaking wet. This continued throughout the entire thread as hypothermia and shock set in. Many have commented, myself among them, that you are a master of setting and descriptions. I love that, but also that you take it to this extent. That you constant can see how your characters have been affected by the setting, and that you can describe it without eloquent descriptions all over the place. For the most part, your descriptions, in this regard, were simple and clear, which balances the times that you flourish you mastery of English.

Post 4:
“Fell winds danced in fitful fancy through fallow cabbage patches.” I loved this line. Great alliteration.

“A shrivelled pippin fruit fell from her nerveless fingers, landing in the mud-churned snow at her feet with a suppurating plop.” Nerveless fingers. I like it a lot.

Post 5 & 7:
I loved what you did with these posts. There is sooooo much backstory that is playing behind the scenes in this thread, and so many people and names that I am unfamiliar with, and many that I am. Thus, because you did such a good job with these posts, the unknowns and questions that this story raised are satisfied through the backstory here. The ancient history revealed by Angelus, as well as how you tied that in with Kayu’s personal history and dealings in Nippon and during the Corpse War, served to bridge the gap between past threads and this one. While this thread didn’t answer all of the questions raised about backstory, it answered enough that it doesn’t detract from the quality of the story.

Categories:

Plot: You have such a way of crafting stories, that I feel that this thread is just a single chapter in a book that is part of a grand series. The fact that you are able to explain so much so that the reader can understand what is going on decently well is impressive. I wish I had enough free time to go back and read Kayu’s entire story, and as it is I am looking forward to seeing what other spirits she can gather for her cause. Like most of your writing, I don’t have many complaints in terms of plot.

Character: I have not read anything of Kayu aside from the fleeting mentions and appearances she has in Nanashi’s story. At least, I think that she is the one he was seeking during the Legion of Light, or maybe I am totally mixing your characters up. Either way, as this is the first major exposure I have to her, I feel like I have a good understanding of who she is, what drives her, and her goals and desires. She is definitely relatable, which I appreciate a lot. Great job with all of the characters as well. You have a way of fleshing out NPC’s that I am envious of, but no doubt that has come through writing with the NPC’s over multiple threads.

Prose:
As always, you have such mastery over this aspect that it almost hurts you when it is read by others, as some of the other feedback has mentioned. However, because of this, the thread, while it is very intimidating at first glance especially considering post length, just flows. It is hard for me to stop reading, and the posts just fly on by. Your extensive vocabulary, as well as great usage of literary techniques, blends together to form a wonderful tale that I am usually able to watch in my mind, rather than read. It is only when I run across a completely alien word that I get jarred slightly.

Also, slight note, your spellings of civilisations really threw me off. Had to double check that. Never seen it spelled that way before, haha. :P

Last Thoughts:
It was such a pleasure for me to read this. It has been about 6 years since I have really sat down and sunk my teeth into one of your threads. It brings back a lot of great memories on the Legion of Light, and reminds me of why I wanted to write with you back then. The details included in here make me want to continue to work with you as Althanas strives to pull itself back together after the Corpse War, and perhaps I will have the privilege of doing so in the future. I am also pleased to see how you have improved your craft over these years.

I Nocturne was such a pleasure to read. The length was appropriate and the plot and developments were wonderful. You did not fail to disappoint in delivering a quality thread that was enjoyable to experience.

I am looking forward to seeing where Kayu goes next.

As always, my friend,
DFTBA

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Thank you for all your feedback. This workshop is now closed and rewards will be posted shortly!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Feedback Rewards

SirArtemis receives 450 EXP and 4 AP
Storm Veritas receives 650 EXP and 2 AP
Good For Nothing Captain receives 250 EXP and 4 AP
Kryos receives 250 EXP and 4 AP

Thank you all once again for your contributions!

[Rayleigh]

You also received 20 GP!

All EXP, GP, and AP have been added!