Workshop: Observe, young one, the stars above (open)

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Name of Completed Thread: Observe, young one, the stars above (open) (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28767-Observe-Young-One-the-Stars-Above-%28Open%29&p=262466#post262466)
Name of Authors: Mordelain, Philomel, Shinsou Vaan Osiris (cameo)
Type of Thread: Battle
Thread Length: 18 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: April 17th 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

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[Breaker]

This was a light and enjoyable read, and a nice change of pace since we don't see battles here in WW all that often. Since you're both advanced writers I'm going to use the condensed rubric, and I'll give individual advice as needed.

Story

Both of you did an adequate job of incorporating your characters' backstory into your introductions. You also both did a decent job giving me an idea of what's coming next for your character, although Mordelain's was extremely minimal and most of Philomel's came from Shin's cameo. While incorporating story into battles is often hard, I'd encourage you both to put a little more effort into it next time. In particular I found Mordelain's use of the NPC Suresh fairly confusing; he often seemed to be in two places at once, leaving the "word picture" of this thread somewhat fragmented.

Seguing into setting a bit here, I'd have really liked more from both of you. If not for the image Mordelain started with, I wouldn't have had a very good idea of what the arena looked like. For Mordelain's part, if you're going to keep posting pictures I'd encourage you to still give a proper description of the setting and add things that aren't in the picture in order to make the setting your own. For Philomel's part my advice is not to let your opponent's lack of description limit you. Although it's typical for the first poster to describe the setting in Althanas battles, this is by no means a hard and fast rule and in fact, if your opponent gives a limited description, they've essentially granted you licence to take over. Last thing I'll say here is I would have like a more grounding initial post from Philomel. Your description of the coin rolling over her fingers was intricate and interesting, but it didn't tell me where she was, how her body was positioned, what she was wearing, or any of the important things that would have situated me in the scene. If you're going to start a scene with a micro action like that I'd recommend seguing naturally into some more macro actions (or lack thereof) so that the reader can build a mental image as quickly as possible.

Character

Philomel's character blossomed quite nicely over the course of the thread, whereas in Mordelain's case I found myself getting caught up by the use of clichés in dialogue, and the jumps between what Suresh was doing and the action. Incorporating NPCs into a battle can be an easy way to create opportunities for dialogue and lore references, and Suresh served this purpose I feel like he took away from the thread more than he added to it. Circling back to what I said earlier, by using clichés in the dialogue I'm referring to things like "buy me dinner first," or "let's dance", reminds me that I'm reading a fantasy story written by a human from earth. If you can find a way to change the clichés to make them more Althanas-y that works, but I'd much sooner read actual original dialogue. Overall you both wrote strong character's, but Philomel's more appropriate use of dialogue and her NPC made her posts a bit more of a treat to read.

For the most part the action was well described, but I would have appreciated more specificity from both of you, and there are a number of reasons for this. With the exception of Veridian's bite which was targeted at the calf, most of the attacks seemed extremely vague and generic, a swing of a sword or a stab of a spear. Here's three reasons you should ALMOST ALWAYS include a specific target in the attack. Firstly, if your character is a trained fighter, they wouldn't just swing their sword. They would swing it in a specific way, at a specific target, with specific intention. As a reader when I don't get any of that, it takes away from the believability and immersion of the scene. Second, by targeting your attack you empower your opponent to make a realistic counter, and this will create a vivid word image for the reader. If one combatant swings a sword and the other blocks, I don't really know what's going on. Thirdly, targeting an attack allows you to control certain aspects of the battle which are otherwise outside your control.

Prose

You both have solid prose with some beautiful imagery, I found it easy to become immersed in most parts of this thread (excepting the aforementioned jumping around of Suresh, and the fact the arena was not overly well described). I'll mention Mordelain's use of clichés here again, because it fits this section and I think it's a very important step in reaching the next level of your writing. Even if this weren't a fantasy setting, overusing clichés (even in dialogue, where they can at times be appropriate) is representative of truly mediocre writing, which is odd when the rest of the work is fairly advanced. There weren't any metaphors that were so beautiful they stuck in my mind, but I do recall you both creating some strong, if somewhat fleeting impressions in my mind, so kudos.

I'm a big fan of cameos, so props to both of you as well as Shin for giving it a try. Shin's post was solid in and of itself, but it could have been made stronger by some sort of foreshadowing earlier in the thread. As it was it seemed like he just showed up for plot or possibly power group reasons, or because neither of you felt like posting a proper conclusion. Things were left a little dangly without it, with the only reference to what might happen in the future being Mordelain's mention of showing Philomel another world. That was interesting, but a little too vague to make me overly curious about what happens next.

That's all from me! I hope this provided each of you with at least some small amount of help. Feel free to PM me with any followup questions.

[SirArtemis]

Story

This was a fun and fast read, but perhaps a bit too fast. The action felt so quick and brief that it felt almost like filler. Admittedly this is a difficulty for me to be critical of because realistically, true combat often times lasts seconds. All the same, good or bad, the pace of this thread flew by. I did have a qualm with the setting though, because from everything that was described/implied, I was very confused when there was a reference to dried leaves on the dais. Aren't you at a very high elevation in Fallien, an arid desert climate? Nothing lead me to imagine trees anywhere nearby. I was surprised no one used the sandy surface as a means to perhaps slip and lose traction.


Character

I only got a taste of your characters, but things still overall felt a bit... disorienting for me. Perhaps again it was just the pace of the thread, but it felt as though I had very little time to get to know the characters in any way. Perhaps this is the consequence of a battle thread, but all the same, I would have liked some glue to bind it all together. With respect to the action, overall it's difficult for me to follow combat scenes. So I can't really speak to that. However, one thing that really threw me off was that you speak to how honorable Philomel's character is, and yet the whole time it was a sneaky 2v1 battle; doesn't seem that honorable to me honestly. I also often get thrown off personally when dialogue is repeated, though I do understand it for the purposes of a battle. Some of the characters reactions though seemed so unexplained that I feel like I have no idea of why they do what they do. It was about as distant as could be, as though I were quite literally just watching this battle through the scrying device among the gamblers and am detatched. I'm personally not a fan, but again, battles.


Prose

So I'm gonna focus here a bit because I feel like this is consistently getting undervalued by a lot of writers I'm coming across. Mechanics and clarity are things that I really feel need to be nailed down early and I get the feeling that you two didn't put much into going back for edits. Personally, knowing Duffy, he didn't; I don't know how you are Philomel. Honestly though, every time I see a misspelled word, a homonym, or just an incorrect word entirely, I feel like the momentum of my reading gets knocked back. It affects the pace, action, and clarity substantially for me and can overall change the entire experience of the thread. I can tell you both have tremendous creativity and writing potential, in story and in depth and character. But if you can't get the presentation right, a lot of the beautiful work you try to do will get lost in misunderstandings. I literally backed out of my browser on my phone to open my dictionary app and make sure "vacinity" was "vicinity." Having to do that mid read is clearly pulling me out of the story and an unfortunate consequence. Referring to blood less at one point instead of blood loss is also a simple thing to catch. I hope you both reconsider the attention you give to the nuts and bolts of your writing. Sure, that's what editors are for, but for now you don't have one as far as I know.


Wild Card

I really liked the cameo at the end honestly and though it was completely out of place it was intriguing to lead me to ask who Philomel is, who Shin is, and why this all matters. Still a bit confused about the original exchange between Mordelain and the dad figure. Was he in the arena originally and then vanished to go to the scrying room? I am not sure, and I guess if I have to ask, I may have missed something or it wasn't overly clear.

Hope you find this helpful! PM me with questions.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Thank you for your contributions. This workshop is now closed and rewards will be posted up shortly!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Feedback Rewards

Breaker recieves 1440 EXP and 4 AP!

SirArtemis receives 810 EXP and 4 AP!

Once again, thank you for your contributions!

[Rayleigh]

You both also earn 40 GP!

All EXP, GP, and AP have been added!