Workshop: An Unpleasant Awakening

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: An Unpleasant Awakening (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29845-An-Unpleasant-Awakening)
Name of Authors: Storm Veritas & Logan
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 19 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: April 22, 2016

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[Wings of Endymion]

Greetings! Again, I shall endeavour to keep this short and sweet.

Your first paragraphs, Storm, certainly hammered the title home! Admittedly it didn't get too much worse than that until post 5, but I really enjoy the way you use Storm's inner thoughts to punctuate his emotions, particularly whenever he encountered Logan. The fact that you handicapped Storm's lightning magic also made for an interesting read. In the meantime, though... Force? Star-Stories...? For shame, Storm, for shame. He also still needs to come up with his personal curse (lemons!).

I didn't get as much from Logan, particularly outwith his interactions with Storm, although that might have been because you wrote him as the antagonist this time, and let Storm and his emotions (and his ruthless actions) drive the story. You did a great job of building (alongside Storm) the atmosphere and setting of your confrontation, though, which I enjoyed.

Another polish would certainly have ironed the kinks out from both of your writing, but nothing major stood out to hamper my read. All in all, quick and definitely fun, although quite bloodthirsty as well.

The ending, though... "And what could possibly go wrong." Well, judging by the teams that actually did sign up for the LCC...

Thank you for the read!

[Rayleigh]

I will extend this workshop until next Friday, May 6th.

[SirArtemis]

1.) I'm glad this was extended as it gave me time to read this without fear of not having time to post feedback.

2.) Storm, punctuation for quotations goes inside the quotations. Example: "They ran." -- you always throw the period or comma on the outside it seems for whatever reason.

3.) This line actually made me laugh out loud on the train: "Aren't they all? God-damned bitches."

4.) I'm very confused as to why Logan is constantly about to vomit. Does he have a disorder? Does he just have a weak stomach? You revisited this so many times but you never explained the source or anything so it left me sort of confused.

5.) You mention the inn was a single-story and perhaps this was just my own bias/assumption but I envisioned this as having a stair leading up to the second story where rooms where and the main floor was the inn. May have been my oversight but it confused me when I read it as Storm jumped the window.

6.) Logan, you inhaled for a full ten seconds in a moment that felt very urgent. Ten seconds is a very long time. It felt like the situation was a lot more pressing with Storm about to leave after setting the body against the door. Counting to ten was almost like you were playing hide and seek and giving him quite a head start.

7.) Be mindful that each thread is independent, and with that comes the fact that I have no idea who your characters are or what they look like. The attention the succubus got for her appearance was more than both other characters combined. Logan has swords, a big black cloak, and is huge. Storm is lanky and has cuff links. Did I miss anything?

8.) The "friend" that was supposed to be the partner of Alexia was literally just for convenience. He basically never made an appearance and was only in referenced in passing. It leaves me sort of wondering about the benefit of adding him or his place to the story, especially given the abrupt ending that the thread was meant to serve (though isn't Storm with Rayse anyway?). It just leaves me wondering if maybe a meeting place for the two to talk that didn't involve additional characters would have been beneficial. Or maybe just referencing that this is his home is enough. Still not quite sure why it was so poorly up kept either.

9.) For two characters that the Tarot supposedly had some sort of investment in, Logan's complete dismissal of the death of the two brothers seemed a bit strange and out of place, both emotionally and logistically.

10.) Storm, I like how you described the fight scene with the first guy and using your assassination move. Very clear and vivid.

11.) Still have no idea what is going on with Storm's magic, where he lost it, how, what the intention is in getting it back, etc. Any brief or passing reference to shed some light into the issue would be helpful. It just seems like erections make it work better.

12.) If Logan is a psion, it begs the question why he utilizes his ability so little. Maybe a question worth answering to the reader as you write. Do you need to see the person you're using your telepathic link to? Can you sense thoughts? Is there a limited range? Is it draining? Do bad odors affect your psionic abilities?

13.) All of this could be completely invalid as I may have missed something. Please contact me with any further comments/questions. Great thread!

[Tobias Stalt]

2.) Storm, punctuation for quotations goes inside the quotations. Example: "They ran." -- you always throw the period or comma on the outside it seems for whatever reason.

I should interject here and point out something that is not well known. This particular punctuation rule is not a hard one, even though it's what we're taught in the United States. The UK has been punctuating outside of quotation marks for longer than we've been a nation, and they're the origin of the language to begin with. Neither side is technically right or wrong, because let's face it, English has more rules with caveats than any other language in the world. The US has several other strange notions as well, including not adding the vowel "u" to certain words- humour, honour, valour, colour, for example.

These are all rules that Americans modified, possibly in an attempt to diversify the language and seek cultural autonomy in the wake of the American Revolution. Whatever the reason, this History lesson is actually one you don't get from most folks at a high school level, and I only learned it because I took high level college English courses on language rules and grammar. (Why I invested so much time, but don't have a degree, please don't remind me.)

[Rayleigh]

This workshop is now closed. Thank you to all participants.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop: An Unpleasant Awakening (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30907-Workshop-An-Unpleasant-Awakening)

Wings of Endymion (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?13606-Wings-of-Endymion) receives 760 EXP, 40 GP, and 2 AP.

SirArtemis (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14322-SirArtemis) receives 950 EXP, 40 GP, and 2 AP.

Congratulations!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!