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Shinsou Vaan Osiris
03-22-16, 01:17 PM
Name of Completed Thread: Beyond Death For Love (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30900-Beyond-Death-For-Love-%28solo%29&p=262621#post262621)
Name of Authors: Krugor
Type of Thread: Solo
Thread Length: 10 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: April 22nd 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Wings of Endymion
03-22-16, 06:44 PM
Greetings! I have just a few jots for you tonight!

Despite a few elements that bordered on the ridiculous - ostriches? where in all the heavens did they come from? - I found your overall story quite compelling. The whole 'necrophilia' thing had me quite aghast for a while, since again it appeared in your plot from nowhere, but you did take the time to explain it later on. Numerous minor details stood out to me in a positive way - for example, Talidus's father's personality described as forged by the Salvic climate. And then the twist at the end - nicely executed!

Unfortunately, I felt a little let down in clarity and in mechanics - in short, I had some difficulty actually reading your story, not only because of the numerous formatting and grammatical errors littered throughout, but also because you have a tendency to change tenses without warning and in the middle of your sentences. Don't be afraid of one-line paragraphs, particularly when weaving your story around dialogue!

But it was a fun and zany read, and it got a couple of giggles out of me when Krugor got involved. I'm not quite sure how the locals can act as though a walking, talking, happy-go-lucky skeleton with a sense of humour and the absurd is nothing out of the ordinary! Much obliged ^^.

SirArtemis
04-05-16, 09:48 PM
Plot

I think you have the potential to do great things with story. I feel like reading your work that you have a lot of fun and passion in telling a story and sharing that with another person. Keep working at it and keep those playful creative elements involved. I'll keep this brief, as I want this section to be sort of left to your own. The one thing I will say is that I would encourage you to think about your setting and remembering to actively try to show the setting rather than to simply say what it is. For example, you could say that there was water that was ankle high, or you could talk about the character's discomfort at having wet socks from the ankle-high water and it giving him blisters. Just an example.


Character

I like that the characters seem to have had their own unique identities and it came through with certain behaviors and dialogue choices. I would note here to also try to use the opportunity to build your character through action and setting rather than describing things. You have a tendency to be very direct and sometimes putting in a bit of attention toward the flow of the text could work wonders.


Prose

I would recommend avoiding the use of idiomatic language. Many idioms are cultural and based on locality and this could lose readers who are reading the language but don't have the point of reference you would. Examples are things like a "smack ton of money" or saying something "did the trick." I think your choice of language and mechanics can use some work. I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I would really encourage you to take some time to actively read some published work and to pay close attention to the language they use and how they use it. Keep an eye on the mechanics involved, from capitalization to punctuation, and see what you can learn.


Wildcard

You have a lot of potential and a storyteller's mind, but you still have a very basic set of tools to paint the vivid pictures that you have swimming in your head. I want to encourage you to keep going and to not be discouraged. Look at what other writers do well and start to notice the nuts and bolts of the English language. Think about not only what you are saying, but how you are saying it, and if it is as clear as you want it to be. Learn the rules on an intimate level. Understand homonyms, pronouns, punctuation regarding dialogue and quotations, etc. The body of the text isn't always effective if told in the manner you would tell a story in person. Dialogue is meant to be dialogue, but the narrative needs to be a proper engine. So pick up some books, or revisit ones you love, and start to notice.

I truly hope that helped. I did enjoy your story, and that's the part that is harder to teach. The presentation you can learn.

Rayleigh
04-29-16, 10:15 AM
This workshop is now closed. Thank you to all participants!

Rayleigh
05-03-16, 01:44 PM
Thread: Beyond Death for Love (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30908-Workshop-Beyond-Death-for-Love)
Type: Workshop Rewards

Wings of Endymion receives 500 EXP, 40 GP, and 2 AP.
SirArtemis receives 625 EXP, 40 GP, and 4 AP.

To compensate for your wait, and thank you for your patience, and additional 25% EXP and 50% GP have been added.

Rayleigh
05-03-16, 01:45 PM
All rewards have been added.