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Shinsou Vaan Osiris
03-29-16, 05:33 AM
Name of Completed Thread: Home Bitter Home Chapter I (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30913-Home-Bitter-Home-Chapter-I-Section-I&p=262837#post262837)
Name of Authors: Flamebird
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 13 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: April 29th 2016

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SirArtemis
04-29-16, 09:51 AM
I'm just going to give some general commentary as throwing this into a rubric format doesn't quite feel constructive. You also mentioned the goal of this was mostly to get your creative juices flowing so I will try to focus on encouraging and engaging that desire.

First, I will speak to my desire as a reader to engage with a piece of writing. For me, this is done in one of two ways and rather early on. The first is giving me a reason to care about the character and be invested in their journey and I'd say that typically comes from an emotional link built between reader and character. Usually this is touching on some sort of empathetic connection that people can relate to. In this case I felt it was the loss of loved ones, but the extremity of her loss makes it difficult to connect for me. I also am unsure how recently these events happened and her methods of coping/mourning. Maybe this is my shortcoming as a reader, but I didn't see much from her as a character to reflect how she was dealing with it. Perhaps this comes as a writer; I would assume you have not experienced the degree of loss she has so it may be hard to convey. If that's the case, maybe tapping into another emotion would be more constructive.

However, as an alternative to an emotional link to the reader, tapping into the reader's general curiosity/intrigue is also a robust option. It isn't that you care what happens specifically in relation to the character, but you do want to know what happens next. This could be done by scattering little mysterious items throughout the story that seem suspicious enough to be worth noting without giving too much information up front. A mix of both is also an option, but given the brevity of threads here it may be easier to focus on one.


The next thing I'll note is two points on the mechanical side of your writing (ignoring actual typos). If you intend to write dialogue for the character with a very particular lisp it is important to be consistent on the type of lisp. I appreciate you mentioning what it was right away as it helped, but I did notice some hiccups. Her pattern seems to revolve around the letters R and L, but her reaction to TH is also coming and going. I have no example at the moment, but if you extracted your dialogue and looked at words specifically, sometimes the lisp affects them and sometimes it does not. I know this can be the case in reality as well, as some lisps are triggered by various circumstances, but again it's something to notice. The other major thing I'd advise against is using idiomatic language. References that are cultural can be lost by readers of other cultures or over time. For example, a cup of Joe is, to my knowledge, a very American thing. References to a hyper nova may also be out of place given the world.


With respect to general writing, the first fight sequence seemed almost out of place and rushed, borderline needless; and the glossing over of Jack's death was a bit concerning. You didn't need to fight in this situation. You could have used the opportunity to see the body of the cat that another group has dispatched and taken the chance to build more about her history and connection with the homeland, with the plague, with the suffering of this land. As it stands, it felt as though it didn't fit. I also felt a bit confused when you wrote that the party had only been traveling for two hours but were half-paralyzed? I'm not sure why they were half-paralyzed.


In general I think you have a story worth telling but you may have to constantly remind yourself that readers aren't able to see in your head and we will not create the same story you do as a writer. Your responsibility is to give us as much as we need in order to fill in the blanks, and the blanks may be different in your mind than ours but they have to matter less. Every reference, sentence, even word, should serve a purpose; that purpose could be to illustrate behavioral habits, to paint the world, to develop relationships, etc. Just know that what is left unsaid, the reader has to fill in. And if you forget to mention something that matters a lot, even if you know it in your mind, it will be lost.

I hope this was helpful. PM me with any further comments/questions.

Shinsou Vaan Osiris
04-29-16, 11:09 AM
I'm going to leave this open until Monday 2nd May to give other people a chance to contribute!

Rayleigh
05-05-16, 01:27 PM
This workshop is now closed. Thank you to Artemis for your contribution!

Rayleigh
05-05-16, 01:28 PM
Thread: Home Bitter Home Chapter I (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30926-Workshop-Home-Bitter-Home-Chapter-I)
Type: Workshop Rewards

SirArtemis receives 650 EXP, 30 GP, and 2 AP.

Congratulations!

Rayleigh
05-05-16, 01:30 PM
All rewards have been added.