The crew is coming together........Pt.1

[The_Black_Pheonix]

((Open to all. Just looking for some people to RP with.))

It is a bright sunny day on the ocean. A ferry is coming in to dock at Scara Brea. The ferry wieghs anchor and lets the passengers get off. A behemoth of a man in all red with penetrating blue eyes is walking amongst the people. He turns as he ferry ad waves at the sea. "I will see you some other time. For now i must find crew mates." He turns and walks into the city.

"Boy this place sure is crowded. I should be able to find a lot of crew mates here." He sighs and takes a step forward into the crowded city.

[The_Black_Pheonix]

He continues to walk around in search for somewhere to stay and looks for a while until he comes to a small inn. He walks in the door and gets the usual stare from all of the customers for a second before they go back about there bussiness. He goes to a empty table near a window and sits down, Trying to relax. He notces a cloaked figure walk in and sit at the table next to him.

[MaxBlade]

(All right, I can tell you how you can get more members, so let's brush up on RPing together. For starters, pick up on your english even write your post in MSWord before posting, I have noticed this helps. You might also want to give better descriptions, you can't say "Boy this place is crowded" and not describe how crowded it is same for your character.)

Fareron, was tired, his faerry ride was long from where he came from, GUA was very far from here. He wanted to just go to sleep and have a half decent meal. Some of the places he saw were very beautiful but they were also shabby. Groups of people stood around talking making friends and starting adventures.

He dusted off his white cloak and sighed his white skin glinting from the oils he wore in the sunlight, pursed lips layed peacefully on his face his light brown eyes and hair matching almost the color of his skin.

He shook his head slowly looking for a place to starte. Fareron needed to find a very good adventure in Scara Brae, and quick. The sun beat down on Fareron's back and he was greatful for his control over wind.

He wrapped a collection of breezes around his skinny person. The winds came dutifully to his call, having become so much apart of him in his wandering travels that they no longer rebelled. He called on them because they were his comfort.

A bar, maybe he could find an adventure here. He walked forward puffs of dust coming up with each step and racing into oblivion. A man wearing all red walked into the bar, the red was all he could catch really. Fareron waved his hand real quick to ask him a question but it didn't catch his atention. Looking through the dusty window he the man sit down, a large figure with intense blue eyes. Sailor no doubt

Fareron casually walked in and sat in the table beside the man, he orderd a drink of water and slwoly turned his head to look at the man. The man looked at him and he quickly turned his head back. He then looked at the man again, and this time spoke. "You wouldn't happen to know you way around here would you?"

[The_Black_Pheonix]

(( First of all I post here at school and my computer doesnt have that. Secondly you could use to put more commas in your writing some places.))

He turns his head and looks at the thin man. "No, I do not know my way around here. I am from Gaia and Just arrived a short time ago. I do not know my way around any better than you probably." He grabs his head and turns it sideways slightly and cracks his neck, his unkept hair shaking around. "I miss it though, the ocean i mean. I have a bond with it like that only a sea-creture could have with it."

[Special Forces]

Leo walked into a crowded bar after his long walk. He looked around the crowded bar and saw no open tables. He then walked to a less crowded table with two strangers. He sat down and said "Hi, I'm pri... Leo Milner." He then raised his right hand for them to shake. While his hand was raised he ordered a glass of cold ice water.

[The_Black_Pheonix]

Jack looked at the man as he walks over and sits down. After he offers his hand and orders a drink jack Grabs his hand and firmly shakes it. "I am Jack, nice to meet you Leo." He releases the hand so he doesnt make Leo feel uncomfterble. He turns and looks at Max to see what he is doing.

[Special Forces]

When Leo's water comes he hands the waitress a gold coin and said "Keep the change." He took sips of the water not wanting to seem in a hurry. He looked up and said "You look like a sailor.Do you own a ship? Because if you do I'll join as a tactical adviser or anything you appoint me."

[The_Black_Pheonix]

"I am a Pirate Captain but i need to find my crew again. I had a ship and crewmates buit we got split up." He looks at him and nods. "If you want you can be a part of my crew."

[Special Forces]

Ichigo nodded and said "Good what crewmate will I be." Ichigo then ordered ale three glasses of rum and said "Drink up."

[The_Black_Pheonix]

Jack, being glad he found a crewmate, picked up his glass and drank. "You can be my tactical advisor, I need one." He finished his glass of and set it down. He crosses his arms and leans back a little.

[Special Forces]

Leo stood up and said "Aye aye sir. My first advise is that we drink." He then ordered two bottles of rum and said "Drink my captain."

[The_Black_Pheonix]

Jack ponders at why this man is so eager to try to get him drunk. He laughs "Good Advice." He grabs one of the bottles and takes a swig from it. He smiles at the thaught because he knows that Leo doesnt know he is a Drinking Champion on his ship.

[Special Forces]

Leo sat back down and poured him another glass. He then said "What about this fine gentleman? Is he going to join our crew captain." He then pointed to the other gentleman.

[The_Black_Pheonix]

"I do not know, we just started talking when you came in." He looks over to Max. "SO what do you say Max? Wanna Joinj?"

[Atzar]

Yay, first judgment!

Alright, I’m going to be honest with you right from the start. This thread will score low. However, I would like to emphasize that it is lack of effort and activity, rather than lack of skill, that brought this thread such a low mark. What I saw of each of you as writers was by no means bad. The lack of description in your posts, however, along with the fact that this quest was nowhere near complete when submitted, will drag this score down.

STORY

Continuity: 2

Category synopses are stolen shamelessly from one of AdventWings’ judgments…

The "Continuity" category basically deals with how the story that happened here played out in respect to your overall character story. Even in random "Open" threads, the writer should know what the character was to get out from the situation in the end that will either continue to affect their character's history or to remedy (or worsen) the past doings that were done.

The only reason that I understood Jack’s actions is because I looked over your profile and realized that he’s a pirate. Otherwise, I would have had no idea why he was looking for a crew. There are many different types of ship crews: fishing ships, merchant vessels, pirate ships, warships that are employed by some rich duke… the list goes on. You never make it clear what Jack’s real business is in Scara Brae, and the fact that this thread ended so early doesn’t help that.

Fareron’s purpose wasn’t too much clearer. You mentioned that he was looking for an adventure… why did he need an adventure so badly? Again, it’s entirely possible that you planned to tie this particular fact in later on, but you never posted again.
Leo had the same flaw as the others. I had no idea why he was in Scara Brae or what he was planning to do there.

This can be resolved by taking the time to put yourself into your character. “I’m a pirate… why might I be in Scara Brae? What am I doing? Where would I go? How would I act to other people? What would I be thinking?” Once you stick your character in its environment, then you can write a much better post based on the information you just created.

Setting: 2

Setting is, in a nut shell, not just how you describe your surrounding. It is also ways that you sensed and interacted with your surrounding that makes the reading experience unique and interesting.

You guys were in a bar, and it’s crowded. That’s basically all I really learned from this quest. Was the bar brightly lit, or dark and smoky? Were the patrons quiet and well-behaved, or raucous and troublesome? How was the bar laid out? What did the bartenders look like? Was the floor wooden? Any and all of these details would have been very useful to include.

Black Phoenix: your mention of how everyone’s heads turned when your character entered the bar was good. Try to include more environment interaction like this in the future.

MaxBlade: you did the best with this category. I got an idea of what your character looked like, but you still could have done better with the setting that he was in. When you wrapped the breezes around Fareron for comfort, why didn’t his robes ripple and sway from the wind? Little details like this can go a long way towards bringing your environment from “static and dry” to “realistic and lifelike.”

Special Forces: you seemed to be the only one that remembered that you were in a bar. You made use of the bartender, and that was good. Try to remember that everything around you doesn’t vanish when Leo does something. What was going on while you and Jack were talking? The environment just vanished completely at this point.

Pacing: 0

Pacing is basically how the story flowed from start to finish. It is also the how in a story - How one action led to another and How the story moved around from one event to another.

This quest showed early signs of getting somewhere, but then erupted in a flurry of two- or three-line dialogue posts. My suggestion here is to communicate with your fellow writers via PM or IM and coordinate these conversations. It’s perfectly acceptable to bunny another character as long as you have that person’s permission. I think all of the dialogue would have fit nicely into one post, two at the most.

Unfortunately, this quest was ended before it really even began and this category is going to take the biggest hit because of it.

CHARACTER

Dialogue: 3

Dialogue basically concerned whether or not the words in each characters' mouth corresponded to their being and their temperament. This category also includes internal dialogues and monologues that the characters may have.

Most of this quest was dialogue, but more effort could have been put into making it creative and unique. Why didn’t Jack or Leo speak in pirate brogue, if they are both pirates? I think of pirates as crude, rough savages who resort to violence at the first pretense, yet Jack and Leo possessed none of these qualities. Furthermore, there was no given reason why: a pirate doesn’t always have to act like a pirate, but there should definitely be a reason why he’s not acting like a pirate. The conversation was meaningful and advanced the plot, but it was bland and did little to give me insight into your characters.

Action: 2

Action is the way how your characters act and react to the different circumstances they were faced with which all depends on their motives, upbringings or merely experience. That is what will decide their involvements in the situation at hand.

Unfortunately, not enough happened to allow me to give you advice on this section. Everything seemed logical, although a little cliché – pirates do belong in bars with drinks, after all. MaxBlade, one inconsistency: if your character was so tired from his ferry ride, why did he set out immediately to find an adventure? Also, see my comment in Dialogue about how the pirates didn’t really match their stereotypes.

Persona: 1

This category deals mainly with how well the characters' personalities are presented in the story and how well they evolve or change over time. Consistency is also taken into consideration though that can always be moved aside for change. With IC reasons, of course. This should also influence the other two categories mentioned above - Dialogue and Action - though sometimes people tend to not associate this with the two that deeply.

There really wasn’t any emotion or thought at all. What were all of your characters thinking or feeling while this was going on? This is the hardest of the categories to master, since it can’t really be accomplished by the use of more detail and description but rather by knowing your character. I’ll refer you to my earlier list: “I’m a pirate… why might I be in Scara Brae? What am I doing? Where would I go? How would I act to other people? What would I be thinking?” You really have to get into your character in order to receive a high score in this section. The more you know who you’re writing about and how he would act in any given situation, the better you will be.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics: 2

Mechanics is about the way you put words together - Is it arranged in correct English grammar? Are the t’s crossed and the i’s dotted? Well, since this is typing, you won't have to worry about [i[those[/i] two. What you need to worry on is the way you put words and sentences together to make an enjoyable story.

I saw a number of typos from all of you. Phoenix, you might try rereading each of your posts. Even if you don’t have MS Word, a simple read would have caught many of your spelling errors. Max, you use commas too often and have too many run-on sentences. Special Forces, see Phoenix’s comment. Also, you referred to “Ichigo” instead of “Leo” in one of your posts…

Technique: 0

Technique is what we call "The Use of Literary Machines" in the story-telling format. Alliteration, Fore-shadow, Simile, Metaphor and the likes are what add flavor to stories and keep the readers wanting more.

I didn’t really see any techniques used here. Things like imagery and allusion can really spice up a thread, making it much more enjoyable and readable.

Clarity: 3

Clarity deals with how easy it is to follow the story and how well you can convey your thoughts to the readers. Do the actions and reactions to the situations make sense? Is it clear what was being done or how you used ambiguity to add spice to the literature piece? That is answered here in this category.

As far as it went, the thread was easy to understand. At one point, however, Special Forces referred to Ichigo instead of Leo, which left me confused until I realized that it was a typo. Some of the mechanical errors drew my attention, as well.

Wild Card: 2

The Wild Card category is basically... Well, a Wild Card. This is where the judges as myself can add their insights and intrigue about your story and give you some feedback on how your written pieces show us a few things we are impressed with.

Once again, I believe that this thread scored low due to lack of activity and effort. Put a lot more description in your posts, get to know your characters, and read over your posts when you finish to check for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Final Score: 17

The_Black-Phoenix receives 110 EXP.
MaxBlade receives 35 EXP.
Special Forces receives 85 EXP.

Feel free to PM me if you need clarification on anything at all about this judgment, or if you just want some advice.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!