Call to Arms...

[MaxBlade]

This is open just letting you people know. Some one can be the wierd women walkig down the road or you don't have to be it can go either way thank you.

The Northern Kingdoms had fallen within days, leaving few survivors to tell the tales of their destruction. Rumors flew: Wolf riders and vampires had resurfaced in force; Demons were rising up out of the earth; The Undead was walking again. But what the Rangers that patrolled the Frozen Wastelands spoke of something much more ominous: The Elemental Councilor were fading or turning to evil altogether, leaving only the Rangers, border guards, and the surviving soldiers from the Northern Kingdoms to fight the push south. The guards spoke of a monster that traveled with these adversaries one that might rival the underworld-god himself.

Those that lived in the South disregarded the stories, counting them as only rumors and myths. Even those that believed them had their doubts. After all, the last time something like this had happened was centuries ago. The evil wizards that had unified and lead the normally chaotic legions of Undead, wolf riders, and vampires had waged war with the entirety of civilization. The Demons had joined in, sensing that their ultimate goal, the destruction of Order, was within reach. The once fertile Dwarven Mountain Kingdoms had turned to ice, snow, and sleet. The Dwarves, Elves, and Humans formed an alliance and held the raging hordes at bay, while an elite team of wizards, Rangers, and warriors penetrated the Ice Warlocks'(as they come to be called) fortress. In a climatic battle that cost many of the team's lives, they destroyed the Ice Warlocks and banished the Demons to the Netherworld. As the Horde lost their leadership, so too did they lose their cohesion. Leaders tried to keep pieces of the Horde together, but a combination of brilliant Alliance generals and their own insurgents destroyed them utterly. Now history was repeating it’s self.

Fareron sighed as the owner screamed at him. “THAT IS IT…I have had enough of your magic practicing and plates breaking, you have no idea how much this is costing me, you will be paying the debt in full too….now I said get out you better get out!” She punctuated the last two words with a kick aimed at Fareron shins. Quickly he dodged out of the way and powered walked right out of the inn. He sighed and then cringed as the inn owner screamed out loud. “Geesh, a tough lady that one is” he said to himself more then anything, he ran his strong hands through his thin brown hair, the light reflected off his light brown eyes, “Ehhh…where too now…huh” In the distance he heard a roll of drums. A boy of about fifteen came skipping down the road. Fareron ran towards him white robes billowing out behind him.

The boy tripped as soon as Fareron got over there and Fareron helped him up and dusted off the front of his shirt. “May I ask you young man, what is going on up yonder?” The boy looked at him quizzically and then spoke…”You don’t know? Obviously you don’t…It’s the remainder of northern army marching down to get reinforcements from the south, their going to the council of the south now to ask. Big celebration coming, I got to go tell my father.” The boy broke away and started running down the streets. “Wait what do you mean they need reinforcements what happened to the whole army?” “Monster’s” The boy shouted the quick reply and kept running. Fareron shook his head, the northern army was the biggest army of the country, and how could they lose? “Monster eh? Well let’s go check this out shall we.”

With that Fareron walked down the street to the city council, he bumped into a woman on the way there saying a quick apology he walked on but there was something strange about her?

[Reiko]

Doji walked as if her kimono weighed a ton, though the Sifan cloth that made it was light and soft as silk, while being nearly as strong as woven iron. No the problem today was that the nine tails was hungry, she hadn’t as much to eat as she should have since the hunting outside of this town was rather pathetic and inside the town was no better, since the vixen was dead broke.

There was a large gathering of soldiers down the street. Even from that distance the nine tails could smell the blood and mud along with the despair. They lost the battle and were licking their wounds, probably preparing for revenge. Guess they like they’re revenge served hot. That thought made Ki’s stomach growl. “Please don’t remind me that I’m hungry. I know I am and I’m working on it.” Doji protested to her belly, maybe it was making her think about offering some services to the troops or some merchant afraid of whatever sent the troops packing. Heck another day of this than some lucky person could take the nine tails to bed for a pretty coin. The thought made Ki’s tails shiver; she probably would rather die first or become a thief or a bandit.

Being desperate was no fun at all, and that’s why Ki came here for some fun exploring and see someplace new, wandering the streets with hunger. She was the weirder of the Onitachi and a great swordswoman; she shouldn’t be in this kind of mess. The vixen barely sighed before someone accidentally bumped into her and Ki was rather amazed she could stay up, though it did put things in perspective, she wasn’t starving yet and the hunger was just a minor annoyance. One day without food and it already had her becoming desperate. Kadenzaa, one of the kitsune’s that fused into the being known as Ki, had gone through worse, perhaps this feeling came from the younger Inari side that rarely ever had to deal with hunger.

“Um excuse me…” Ki apologized to the robe figure that brushed against her. He looked like a mage, the kind that dressed like that so people would go ’he’s a wizard!’ Ki didn’t think very highly of the dress, though it might be her lucky break, maybe he could help, he could at least afford a meal. But the vixen wasn’t sure how she could get any coins from him. The cunning that was often attributed to her species was not a virtue that the woman possessed. Still once she got to know the man she might find a way to make him useful. “Um good sir, I’m sorry for bumping into you, I’m a little lost and new here. You think you could help me?”

[MaxBlade]

“Um good sir, I’m sorry for bumping into you, I’m a little lost and new here. You think you could help me?”

The sun which was still high in the sky was hiding behind Fareron, when he heard the shout he turned around quickly to see who had called him. He was new here he didn’t think many people knew him? At first he slightly frowned but then he quickly changed the frown to a grin.

It was the weird lady, he couldn’t really distinguish her figure in the light seeing as the sun was now in front of him he shaded his eyes and walked forward each step bringing a puff of smoke. The thunder of drums came louder still, and Fareron wanted to get to the city hall before they did to see what was happening. He knew after they got there, there would be no place to sit or stand.

“Can I help you?” He said slowly as he approached the lady, he was still kind of wary talking to strangers in this region of the country of Althanas but he knew he could protect himself if necessary. The lady was pale a very pale person, She must not get enough sun I wonder how I could help her. He had money but he didn’t really want to give any up, he never gave money up for free, he would buy things or get what people needed but never did he give money up.

The thunder of drums came closer became louder, the pebbles on the ground started to shake, and the first brown soldier hat poked up over the hill. Before the lady could say any thing else, he spoke “Come let us go, I will get you what you need but we need to get out of the way of hungry soldiers!”

[Reiko]

Ki looked rather perplexed when the mage looking type pretty much just returned her question. Hopefully he was asking how he could be of service to the fox girl and not being sarcastic. But before Doji could be absolutely sure, the battered army marched down the street like angry bulls that would rater trample any that got in their way before even thinking of slowing their pace.

Every one had to move out of the way, though the nine tails hated the idea about clearing a way for the soldiers, they should be more considerate to the people, no matter how bad it was going. That little fact tempted Doji to stand her ground in protest, just to see the soldiers try to take her down and then find the strange furry girl could best any of them with a blade.

But that wouldn’t fill her belly and was really a stupid thing to do anyways, so the ronin followed the mage closely, glad he wasn’t trying to lose her. Once they were out of the way of the army, Ki felt she could speak. “I thought you looked like the kind of person who could use a bodyguard. And I’m a pretty good with a sword and need a job since I couldn’t get anything put there with all the animals in hiding and I don’t know the plants around here as well as having no gold right now. So I was hoping you could hire me for modest pay and some food or at least point me to someone who could use my service.”

That was quite a blow to the kitsune’s pride when she said those words to a stranger that might not have a need for her or able to afford what she needed, maybe she could save face with a proper introduction. “I guess I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Doji Ki, wandering swordswoman.” The fox girl curtsied as she swished her tails nervously and hoped he would return in kind.

[MaxBlade]

“I thought you looked like the kind of person who could use a bodyguard. And I’m a pretty good with a sword and need a job since I couldn’t get anything put there with all the animals in hiding and I don’t know the plants around here as well as having no gold right now. So I was hoping you could hire me for modest pay and some food or at least point me to someone who could use my service.”

Fareron stared at her, and then spoke one word “Animals?” The lady ignoring what he had said went on to speak. “I guess I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Doji Ki, wandering swordswoman.” Very nervous lady Doji Ki is…with a tail, probably a mercenary, or a samurai no doubt. Fareron smirked at thought he couldn’t protect himself. “I’m sorry but I don’t need a bodyguard really I can fight.” He scratched where stubble was starting to grow and then spoke once more… “If you come with me I will help you with lodging and give you food. Here’s an apple for now though, you’re probably hungry.” He reached in his robes and produced an apple which he had stolen just before he had been kicked out of the Inn.

He decided that both of them could become mercenaries, by helping with the upcoming war, be a spy maybe? His pockets weren’t exactly full. It would be good to earn some extra money and experience. The soldiers, who were walking past them, walked on oblivious to Doji Ki and Fareron SilverStone. Except for four officers who had been in the back tipping the bottles amongst each other, they saw Doji and swaggered up to the two figures standing there. They wore the regular attire of soldiers, brown trousers and brown shirts, the wagons behind them must carry their chain mail and armor. They were obviously ranked low in the ranks. One that had scruffy red hair walked up to speak, with a heavy northern accent and big muscles. Not that intimidating to one’s that had studied magic half of their life. “Well look what we got here, a little pretty. Mah god I couldn’t wait to get to the south to see some country women.” At the sentence the soldiers fell out laughing. “Listen pretty one. How about you come to our quarters…tonight?” Fareron shook his head in disgust and spoke “You guys are sick, get out of my face before you have no face.” The guys started to laugh and mocked Fareron, pretending to be scared. “Go ahead and do it, little one!” Said the man, standing up erect at this point he was about six two and Fareron could still beat him.

Fareron made a weird smirk and then walking in front of Doji so that she could not see his face, his eyes turned yellow, as a moon. He slowly turned the smirk into a smile and the man who stood in front of him had a pained expression on his face. The man then fell all six feet two, to the ground, a bloody knife protruding from his back. Fareron felt no anguish in killing the man he couldn’t stand people like him, and knowing the armies, he would not be missed. Fareron slowly wiped the blood on a patch of grass sticking out of the dirt and slowly spoke as if making the soldiers understand. “Any one else wanna play?” he said this with eyebrows arched and face twisted into an evil grin. The three army man confident from the drink they had, walked up with balled fist enraged that the man had killed their friend. “Well Doji looks like we got trouble, that’s how it is when you hang out with me though.”

(All right so do what you want, kill one of the man I kill another one, we take the other in for questioning.)

[Reiko]

It was hard for Doji not to be disappointed in the stranger’s declaration of ‘I can fight.’ He was probably right to claim he could fight but having the feeling that she wasn’t needed was a little discouraging. Well she just had to keep looking then. But before Ki could turn to leave the robed figure, he offered her food and lodging, a strange charity to the nine tails, but that apple looked really good.

“Thank you!” Ki said with mouthful as she took a bite of the apple, hunger making her manners disappear temporarily. Still it was definitely a gift appreciated with the vixen swishing all nine of her tails happily as she ate the fruit and it might just be the best apple that the girl ever had, likely because Hunger was the best spice.

Ki ended up following the man in wizard robes since he decided to help her out with food and lodging, even though the apple tasted so good the girl couldn’t help but wonder why he was being helpful. He was clear that he didn’t need Doji to fight; maybe he was trying to charm the furry woman.

But that was unlikely though there were others that came for the ronin and it was truly because the fox girl had caught their eyes. A quartet of rugged soldiers had come with patronizing words toward the vixen, as if acting like she was stupid would charm the kimono off her, which she wouldn’t even if she was in heat. But before a no came from her lips, her companion made the first move, a remarkable assassin like maneuver that left the man dead on the ground with a knife in the back.

Ki sighed. That move while impressive was uncalled for and only meant trouble. “I, I could handle this. You didn’t need to jump in.” Ki flustered as she looked to the soldiers, drawing swords for a fight to the death, guess she would at least know the truth about whether the strange man could fight like he said; he already could kill. Doji took another final bite of her apple.

“Bitch, this is your fault!” The shorter of the soldier’s yelled, his short blond hair was clinging to his face from moister, likely sweat. Doji was his target as he brought his long sword in an arching swing to gut the female furry. But Ki was too quick for that trick and nonchalantly stepped out of range of the blade while littering the apple core to the ground.

“It wasn’t me, I didn’t kill him and I didn’t make him ask me out.” Doji complained as she drew her sword, the dark Onitachi. She started to offer a way out of this fight but she didn’t get a chance as another sweep of the long sword came and Ki simply blocked the blade. The two traded attacks while not gaining any ground; the other two were likely focused on the one that killed their buddy.

Ki found little time to counter, her attacks seemed to end in a parry and a dodge, the little fighter was actually pretty good, a novice would be dead by now. Ki made a swipe that was dodged or parried and Ki didn’t have enough momentum to break the blade. But Ki was still the better fighter and she wasn’t sweating yet, though she should have had a quick win, maybe she was still hungry. Doji thrust her blade at the quick soldier who tuned her blade to the side, but Ki was tired of the fight and done with goofing around, she quickly retracted the blade and made an upward slash, causing the fighter to fall while clutching his gut. Ki smiled a little at her victory, though the fight just wasn’t needed. “I don’t mind trouble following you, it does me too, but I wish you wouldn’t invite it like that.” Ki felt sorer from the fact that he didn’t let her defend her honor than from the fight, which wasn’t much even though it was a little longer than it should have been.

[MaxBlade]

Fareron finished the third guy off quickly, he took his knife, and threw it at him and surprisingly the man deflected it. He shook his head, and his eyes glowed, a pure shade of yellow, he then swept his hand down and up, using the wind as a guide for this spell, tripping the man up. He then ran up, and hit him between the two temples, not killing the man but effectively knocking him out. He slowly picked up his knife and the last man noticing that the battle was over begin to run, Fareron quickly flicked his knife in that direction and the man with his back turned had no chance, and he fell to the ground with a loud thud.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“I don’t mind trouble following you, it does me too, but I wish you wouldn’t invite it like that.”

Fareron shook his head, and smiled, this reminded him of what happened about three weeks ago before he left for Althanas. He and his friend Darius had been practicing in the field off of the forest, the day was nice with little breezes, and the sun was hidden behind the trees at the edge of the field.

Darius: “You’re getting better Fareron, but are you good enough?”

Fareron smiled, when he said that, it was an old joke between friends. Him being an Arcane Mage and Fareron being an Aeromancer, Darius always had the upper hand in fights. “I don’t know Darius, maybe you’re starting to slack off, I think I’m starting to see a little chub right there in the middle of your stomach” He punctuated the end of the sentence by jabbing at his stomach with the daggers and sword they were using, though they were blunted they still had the power enough to hurt, anyone in close enough range. Darius laughed as he dodged to the side nimbly but Fareron had stopped laughing he dropped his sword and fell to the ground flat, Darius knowing his friend did the same and scooted up towards him. “What’s happening?” “Goblins, on the west side of the field, there head this way, big cart.”

It was Goblins, they were about five hundred steps away, they had obviously not seen them yet, to occupied with the cart they had, pushing and heaving, heaving pushing. It stood about ten feet high, and was about seven feet wide; the wheels were as big as the sword Fareron carried. They were singing an odd tune to go with their march.

Eat her up, eat her up, and suck on the bones
Kill the girl, kill the girl, and dip her in blood like scones.

There was more to the song but Fareron couldn’t stand to hear the rest. “Listen Darius, I’ll distract them and you go free the girl.” He said, Darius face went slack and he looked at Fareron like he was stupid, “you’re actually going to do that?” Before any more words could come out though, Fareron bolted like an arrow from a bow, light brown hair flying in the wind. “Hey you goblins, you guys suck,” well you can imagine what happened next, but in the end they saved the girl and defeated the goblins though they were badly wounded.

“I don’t mind trouble following you, it does me too, but I wish you wouldn’t invite it like that.”

And those were the words that Darius had spoken on that day.
~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s all right, it hopefully won’t happen again.” Listen, I think, we should go in the bar until everything settles down. Regenerate and try to get some information later on at the city hall.” He shook the sweat off of his face and wiped his light brown hair out of his eyes. With slow strides he walked to the bar that was not far down the street, avoiding the bar he had just come out of with the mean lady, he was tired, need shade, a place to sit down, it was hot. Maybe he shouldn’t have given that apple up. He should have kept and left the lady, maybe there would have been less trouble. No he was lonely anyway, he needed the company.

[Crystal Suncrest]

Crystal was having the time of her life. She was flying through the city at top speed. Never in her life had she felt so free. She was zipping through the streets when she happened to hear a ruckus going on at the bar. She quickly made her way in to check it out.

Crystal looked around. It didn't take her too long to realize that what she had heard was two drunks going at it. She calmly headed over to them, She almost felt that it was her duty to break it up.

Crystal got between the two drunks.

"Ok you two. I would like to be able to grab a drink without having to worry about getting smacked around, so if you two would kindly...." Before she could finish her sentence, one of the drunks somehow managed to hit her across the room.

Crystal quickly got to her feet and wiped herself off. She was lucky enough to have been able to cast 'Crystal Shield' just before she was hit, but that didn't stop her from breaking a wing when she hit the wall. In a flurry of rage, Crystal shot out three sets of her 'Crystal Shot', purposely missing by the smallest margin each time. The drunks both got scared away and rushed / stumbled out the door. Crystal looked over at the barkeep as she lay against the wall.

"You have anyplace I can stay the night? My wing needs time to recover."

[Reiko]

Ki looked at her partner’s handiwork and was rather scared. The mage seemed to be rather adapt at killing and had little qualms about murder and the worst was he resorted to violence before Doji could even protest the advances of the soldiers. Now there were three casualties, two of which were dead and in the middle of town.

The ronin had to think of something or she would be stuck in the gallows with her new friend if she couldn’t convince any of the guards that she was in self-defense and it was a hard sell. But there might be a way.

“A bar, yeah that would be a good hiding spot. But I have to do something to make sure they don’t end up looking for us.” Ki’s tails shuddered as the fox girl realized that she was covering up a murder that was most likely unnecessary.

The nine tails started with conjuring an image of a man that had a similar look to her friend but a few key differences so the fake man wouldn’t look the same, which strained Ki’s mind and took longer than she would like. “Stay close, I’m going to keep us from getting arrested.” Ki walked away from the soldiers and made the illusionary mane crotch near them as if reaching into something. “Guards! Help!” Ki called bringing a couple of sleeping guardsmen awake and coming to Doji’s Calls.

“Miss what’s the matter?” One asked while rubbing his eyes to chase away the sleep.

“Murder,” Ki whined, pointing at the dead men and the phantom while willing the illusion to run into an alleyway and disappear, the guard ran after the false murderer and when he went into the ally he came back.

“I’m sorry miss but I couldn’t catch him. He got away. Is there any other way we can help?”

The ronin faked a few sobs and shook her head. “No, I’ll be fine. My friend will take care of me.”

After that Ki ended up looking around to see the mage had walked off, and for some reason Ki went to follow, catching up the man just outside a bar. “I think we won’t be in trouble now.” Normally Ki probably would giggle at being successful with a trick but the thought that those men didn’t need to die stole her good mood.

But the sight in the tavern made Ki forget some of her worries. A strange little winged creature was leaning against the wall looking rather dazed; she seemed female and looked like a winged doll. Ki went closer to investigate the tiny creature while perking her ears and twitching her tails in a feline nature to show how curious she was.

[Crystal Suncrest]

Crystal looked back up at the creature that was staring at her. She had never seen anything like the creature she was staring at, but she could tell that it was friendly.

"Um... Who might you be, missy?" Crystal asked as she used her fork as a third leg in order to get to her feet. It was obvious that her wing was all bent out of shape. "My name is Crystal Suncrest, by the way. I wish that I didn't have to ask you this, but do you have a place I could stay? I would stay here, but there are way too many ruffians and drunks... Heck with it, I would pay you 20 gold if you could just help me out here." Crystal paused for a few seconds and then said one last word. "Please?"

[Vorin]

Well MaxBlade, this was your first quest on Althanas and this is my first time judging. We're virgin buddies! Because you're new, I'll try to give you as many helpful hints and as much constructive criticism as I can. But, It's 2:30 AM in the morning, so it could be limited. Of course Reiko and Crystal, I'm not forgetting either of you. You'll just get a tiny bit less, since you've already been through a few of these.


STORY ~

Continuity (5) ~
MaxBlade: Your little bold Historical introduction provided some good back story as to what was going on with the armies and the land. But you really didn't describe what the kingdoms were. Aside from that, What was Faeron doing there in that town, besides breaking some poor woman's china? Was he just traveling through? What was on his mind before hand? How did he know about the Northern Kingdom's army and how powerful it was? What had he been doing before hand? The introduction, along with other parts of the thread, give insight into a back story. You need to give reason why you're in your present location at that moment. Readers aren't going to simply look into your profile, you can't expect them to. It's up to you as the author to give the reader your character's motives. I saw some hint at it when the old woman spoke of practicing magic and breaking plates. Expand on that. How did he come to town? Why was he practicing magic? How was he breaking plates? I know you can do it, I saw the potential gleaming through.

On a side note: That poor woman...

Reiko: Ah, the hungry wanderer. A tad cliche? Perhaps, but it also has a timeless beauty to it. It may have been a simple reason, but it was reason none the less, and one we can relate to. I liked how you had Ki arrive, hungry and tired, feeling weighed down by even her simple garb. But it might've been nice to know what was going on in her life, even before she was hunting for animals. Maybe allude to your fusion story?

Crystal: Ah my dear, you came late to the game. Why was Crystal flying around the city? Was she really bored or something? You came from no where almost. Again, the hook of the past can be an excellent tool to reel a reader in, and I can tell know what I'm talking about.

Setting (3) ~ I'd like to give this a less harsh score, but the setting felt almost vacant to me. It actually kept changing in my mind with each new development. The Kingdoms could've been expanded on, but more then that, what of the city? Was it large? Urbanized? Was it a quaint village? How did it feel? Were the people friendly? There are many questions you should ask yourselves in these situations. I like to imagine myself there, smelling, tasting, seeing everything my character does. Not only that, but also "How does your character feel about it all?"

But setting isn't only about the backdrop? What of the props? Pantomime is a difficult art, let me assure you. You all need to interact with your setting more, even if it's as simple as leaning on a fence post or sitting down. In real life, I have the nervous habit of picking things up and chewing on them. Small ticks like these not only paint us a better picture, but also give insight into the character.

Pacing (4) ~ I'll be frank. The pacing felt off to me here. I couldn't really get a grip as to how it was all flowing. At first, with Max's post, I imagined something of an Epic story, filled to the brim with war. Although it felt a bit rushed with the first post, I thought it was going to be a fast build to a few battle scenes. Reiko's post slowed it a bit. A tad more somber. Then the soldier's came, and to be honest, the stakes were raised too soon. Death already? You were talking about hiding in the taverns? But there was a war going on!

(Yes, I know I'm melodramatic) Crystal's appearance changed the pace too, introductions usually do. Tension was sparse, although this suffered from a lack of climax or conclusion. For the sake of face, lets just call the soldier slaying a climax. One of the best ways to get pacing down to a science is to communicate with the people you're in the thread with. You're a team, remember that. It's real simple and I think once you try it, you'll never try anything else again.
MaxBlade: Please, please, pretty please, don't repeat dialogue already
used! It makes threads choppy. Just remember, your audience has already
read what you're re-writing.

CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (4) ~
MaxBlade: This includes all the NPCs as well. I felt that you had a
good grasp of basic dialogue. The best way to improve on this is by
reading the work of other author's, or just imaging how you'd react to
the situation under different circumstances. Saying goblins suck
doesn't really sound like Faeron to me. It lacks a certain arrogance I
know Faeron has, don't you agree?

Reiko: You've got a grasp on Ki's tongue. (That sounds a wee bit
dirty...) However, I'd watch out for some things. At times, it seems
like she goes from a dominant to passive voice. Nothing major, just a
little something. *Although this can be intentional, she is two
different people. I must however say I'm impressed with how you spoke
to Faeron after the murders. See below.*

Crystal: For some reason, I always imagined a fairy would talk like
that. But she did seem a tad naggy, maybe a bit too formal *even when
asking for help? I'd imagine a bit more pain in her voice. Although I
love the spoon bit ;) *. Nothing major.

Action (4) ~ Reiko, I loved how you played out the battle with the
soldier. It's so rare to see acknowledgment for NPC ability in
fighting. You made it believable, kudos. I didn't care much for your
illusion that tricked the guard later, however. Don't you think the
guard would continue chasing the man that just murdered several people
in cold blood in the street? Just a bit of a peeve. I did love your
reaction to Faeron's murder! Very impressive to see some remorse over
the battle. Ki pulled out her specialty swords here with a bit of
regret.

And what about the surrounding NPCs? Maxblade, why would the army leave
four of their fellow soldiers to fight a losing battle onto their
deaths. And why would you just stab that guy? I mean, death has serious
consequences, beyond the dead guy even. *And where did you get this
dagger? It's not in your profile*

Crystal, I found myself wondering why your character would just go into
a bar to break up a fight. You mentioned that as your main reason for
entering the tavern. I'm sorry if I didn't get much character from your
two posts. But I did like how you were swatted away.


Persona (6) ~ Ki, the romanticized Ronin. Love it Reiko. She feels real
to me, remorseful, a bit resentful, embarrassed when Faeron stabbed
that guy without giving her a chance to defend herself. Very fab.

Max, to put it bluntly, your character came off a bit psychotic when he
just stabbed that guy. It seemed a bit out of place for a personality
known for Hubris. But he did seem pretty likable towards the beginning.
I'll give you props for that, homes.

Crystal, still didn't get much. Your fairy seemed like a nice girl, and
I liked her little speech to Reiko, even if it did lack a bit of
emotion, it gave some good insight.


WRITING STYLE ~

Technique (5) ~ You all seem to have an average grasp of the English
language. There was nothing all too special.

Maxblade: Liked your little history lesson at the beginning. Expand on
it and you've got yourself a lovable nitch.

Reiko: You seem to become a bit personal in your narration. It can
grow to be hard to read, but most of the time it works very well.
Especially for a good, few placed inside jokes.

Crystal: You too had some personality thrown into the narration.

Mechanics (4) ~
Please, everyone, always re-read your posts. Even if it's a day later.
There were many simple mistakes in here that could've been avoided by a
simple re-read. I'm not knocking your abilities. Hell, I check over my
posts multiple times, the dyslexic I am.
A few examples, just for measure.

"But what the Rangers that patrolled the Frozen Wastelands spoke of
something much more ominous:..." This is a tad strange to read, even if
you do add the word was.

"..while an elite team of wizards, Rangers, and warriors penetrated the
Ice Warlocks'(as they come to be called) fortress." - Put a had in.
Don't worry, I forget words all the time.

You've also gotta' watch out for run on sentences. Hell, everyone does.
Best advice still? Read your posts over. Hell, read them out loud.

Max, PLEASE, whenever you start dialogue with a different person,
create a new paragraph or line. It's just confusing and poor mechanics.
This isn't a knock at you.

Clarity (5) ~ Max, when your stabbed that man, where did the dagger
come from? It felt like it just popped into your hand and into his gut
in a moment. Just describing your glowing eyes isn't the only part of
the action. Describe the dagger coming from the sheath. The feel, the
warm blood. Actions speak louder than words, my friend.

Max, you and Crystal both need to use other nouns. Crystal uses her
name too often, and your use He/him *leading to confusion*

Call Faeron, "The mage" "The Aeromancer" etc.

Crystal, you've got, "The fairy," "Pixy" "Imp" etc.

Use these to avoid confusion.


Wild Card ~ (4)

Chaotic and a tad confusing, but strangely entertaining. Hell, I even
threw in a point for Max mentioning his Five O'clock shadow. Oh, one
more thing. Althanas is a world, not a country. :)
An unfinished lil' read.

Total Score: ( 44 ) Good job!

Reiko Receives 880 EXP
Max Blade Receives 250 EXP
Crystal Receives 167 EXP

Spoils: *Even if not finished*
Ki got a hot meal and a free room when a gust of wind accidentally
revealed a bit too much under that Kimono. She found 50 gold pieces in
her room.

Faeron found 200 gold on one of the corpses of his victims, but was
forced to give up half of it to pay for the broken plates.

Crystal got a beer, and the 20 gold coins kept in the bottom of it.


Please PM or IM me if you have questions or complaints.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added! Reiko levels up!