Workshop: The Bounding Tankard

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Name of Completed Thread: The Bounding Tankard (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?30944-The-Bounding-Tankard-A-Gentle-Greeting&p=266156#post266156)
Name of Authors: Itinerant, Of Two Minds, Josette, Redford and Mutant_Lorenor
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 20 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 10th August 2016

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[SirArtemis]

Storytelling:

There wasn't too much story to wrap around here other than an evening in the tavern. Jacques was the main man of course with guests coming and going. Of Two Minds and Rosette were very passive in their posts and didn't add much. Coming in and then doing nothing more just makes the post seem empty which detracts from the feel of the scene. On this note, it was nice to come back to Redford a few times and Lorenor once more, as they were characters that gained some depth (within the capacity of this short thread). The one thing I was left wondering were the references Jacques made that, though he owned the place, he didn't expect to get any of the money from Lorenor's purchase. There was something strangely suspicious about him running the show, as though this were all a performance and he was a stand-in. It reminded me of a character named Kvothe, if you've read the stories.

Setting:

This was a very vanilla setting to be honest and it wasn't brought too much to life for me. I know there were a lot of people, somewhere between two and three dozen by what I gather. I am confused on why there are so many fires burning, as six fireplaces seems excessive and the place doesn't sound massive. It was mentioned there was a lot of noise and laughter and music but none of you opted to strain to hear anyone or to lean forward to make sure someone hears you. Or to wait for a pause in the music or something. Even maybe breaking off your dialogue as someone drunkenly interupts you.

Pacing:

The pacing felt like I was fast forwarding through a night at the tavern, which isn't terribly bad but it could have benefited a bit from slowing down a bit and added a few more events that took up time/space but weren't directly related to the characters in question. It doesn't help when people jump in and out right away but that's the nature of these things. The ending with the tavern's last call seemed a closing of the curtains but at 9 in the evening seemed early for a tavern for people to drink. Why would the barkeep close his bar so early? Is it just people need to go sleep for work the next day or something more subtle?

Communication:

I feel like Jacques and John didn't quite understand each other. John came off as a man of few words and subtle gestures, whereas Jacques seemed to understand the meaning yet be confused all the same. It was a strange contrast. I'm also still trying to understand why Lorenor decided to drop 10 crowns on a round of drinks for everyone in the hope of work when he's clearly the one with the money.

Action:

Again I feel like with such a lively and active environment there could have been more interaction with the setting, whether by the characters themselves or even an observation of it. Maybe someone gets on a chair and starts doing a jig and Jacques has to settle them down. A broken glass. People dancing and bumping into each other.

Persona:

I feel like I got a good deal from John and Jaqcues, a bit from Lorenor as well, and very little from the other two that passed through. The introspection of John and reflecting on his past and how it shaped him was pleasant to read. I am still at a loss with Lorenor's character and I think it pertinent to mention that it's hard to write under the pretense that nobody knows anything about your character. Some references were clarified, like N'Jal being a Thayne that betrayed you. That you're an Ixian Knight and Paladin and that something about you is from another timeline - but that's unclear. It almost sounds like you're a time traveler.

Mechanics:

I wasn't paying too much attention to mechanics but I will say that I noticed for Lorenor that there are times you repeat yourself, as though you forgot you just wrote that thought a few sentences ago. It's a bit jarring. Also I'm not a fan of using "a lot" at all in writing. You also don't have to say he thought something to himself. It's a thought so it's pretty clear it's to himself.

Clarity:

There were some points where I got caught up on clarity, particularly the overlap of character behavior. For example, Lorenor was standing around waiting to be seated, and it seemed like Jacques came over and he was already sitting somewhere and he set the water down. Slight disconnects like this were my only issue.

Technique:

There wasn't too much room to work with here. A bit of reflection and flashback was nice. But I didn't notice much else within the story. Admittedly the fast pace of the read and one pass through may have caused me to miss some. As there was no real story to wrap around here, techniques like foreshadowing sort of fall flat as well.

Wildcard:

This was definitely a unique thread to judge given the round-table and open format. All the same it was nice to just observe an evening at the tavern. I would have liked more from the first two visitors as they were introduced but dropped out. Redford's size and scars are interesting enough and the thought of him being the "burned man" was somewhat amusing. I found myself imagining him sitting next to Artemis, who is heavily armed and marked with tribal tattoos, at a bar laughing and joking together and what people might think. Lorenor is a character that has tremendous history and information to pull out, but finding the right things to say at the right time seems also hard.

[Storm Veritas]

I'm just going to blatantly steal Artemis's formatting here.

Storytelling:

This wasn't much of a story; the "tavern" cliche has been done to death for a reason - it's fun, simple, and a great way to introduce new characters and writers to the fray. I really enjoyed seeing several people weave in and out, and the management of the comings and goings by Itinerant was excellent.

Setting:

A lot of familiar tropes used with the setting here left me a little wanting, but I would have to say the acknowledgement of multiple senses (including scent) and a commitment to reinforcing the setting by virtually all parties helped develop setting effectively enough. I -really- liked redford's use of the link to music, however mind your coding! Next time, try this [*url=youtubelinkhere]"this song"[/url] minus the asterisk to link without having code in the story itself.

It's small, but I'd also add that if the giant was crushing cigars, that would quickly become the dominant odor in the room.

One component that felt like a missed opportunity was developing the crazy unique elements of the characters. Between "Of Two Minds" schizophrenia and John's gigantism, it felt like after a cursory nod, those elements passed by without wringing out sufficient humor.

Pacing:

Pacing was definitely a little quick for threads at Althanas, although I enjoyed a nice, fast read. There was plenty to expand on here, from character motivations to thought processes, interactions and plot development points. While the posts moved very quickly, not much was actually done during those posts, which was a bit disappointing. Perhaps I'm a hedonist but it felt like with that many wild characters jammed into close quarters, something crazy should have happened, or at least threatened to happen.

Communication:

This was also a bit of a struggle. I think Itinerant did a really nice job trying to roll everyone in here, but communication in this thread felt entirely serial in nature. Of Two Minds, Redford, Josette and Lorenor ALL failed to engage each other, and either spoke to Jacques or no one. This was VERY frustrating, since they are such unique characters, and would certainly catch the eye of an adventurer. John also missed a big exchange after being asked specifically what brought him into the bar.

Action:

The nature of the thread doesn't lend itself to much action, and that's not a problem. What -was- a problem for me is that there wasn't any nuanced action/ tension build here, either. It felt like with the exception of a few times Jacques, Redford and Lorenor worked to build a little activity in the tavern, the inconsistency in posting of everyone else was a death knell for activity here. Thinking back to my own college days when I used to hit bars, aside from the freakshow element I would have been bored by this bar. No crazy drunken activity. Some good music, but not a lot of dancing or bustle. Everyone sitting at their own stool and talking into their beer. This tavern needed a fight, some flirting between attractive people, something broken, a fire... ANYTHING.

Persona:

This was a strength of the thread. I definitely got a nice feel for the characters on a surfacial level. It would have been nice to get more depth into why they were drinking, or what their goals were for the thread (Of Two Minds mentioned this, but then ninja-vanished on the thread). It's very clear everyone here has the ability to develop a character and bring some interesting flavor to the thread, I just wish as a reader that there was more activity and people working with Jacques and John to help flesh out some action.

Mechanics:

No big problems for me, but I'm a notoriously bad editor. I didn't see many problems here, however I also didn't see a lot of sizzle. There wasn't enough plot development for components like foreshadowing or symbolism to come into play. Formatting idiosyncrasies with different styles employed by different writers is bound to happen in threads like this.

Clarity:

This became tough because I struggled to figure out where everyone was, particularly as characters abandoned the thread. An acknowledgement that characters left is helpful if you know someone like Josette isn't coming back, however reading this I doubt there was knowledge whether or not we'd see her again. When a thread is pulled together off the cuff, continuity will always be a struggle, and that was no exception here.

Technique:

Very simplistic, but often very tightly wrapped and concise. I really like the unique styles offered by ALL the writers here, with an exceptional commendation for Itinerant's commitment to managing a really challenging thread with people coming and going. Of course, I'd like to see more creative elements introduced, but this isn't a thread designed for depth and supposition. It was a fun thread, clearly written for fun's sake. Nice job.

Wildcard:

Completing a thread is an accomplishment in itself. Entertaining both the reader and the fellow writers is no small task. This thread had lots of flaws inherent in a thread made of this open structure, but was enjoyable and well made. I'll certainly jump to read threads involving Of Two Minds, Josette, and Itinerant in the future, and continue to enjoy the work Redford and Lorenor crank.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards are pending and will be issued by tomorrow.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Rewards as follows:

SirArtemis receives 1,100 EXP, 40 GP and 4 AP!

Storm Veritas receives 1,500 EXP, 40 GP and 4 AP!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added! Thank you for your contributions!